There are some things that one just does not want to see at hideously early o'clock in the morning. More especially, there are certain things that should not be seen no matter what the hour.
I'm talking about you, Spotted-Dick-In-Speedos.
I mean, just eww! If you're fat* and look like you've been mixed up with more than a handful of raisins, please do not wear Speedos. Ever. Not even as a joke, because it's just not funny.
My early morning swims just aren't what they used to be. Bring back the stubborn old lady, all is forgiven.
* I didn't want to beat around the bush and say 'overweight' or 'plump' or 'jolly' because we'd all know what was meant.
That dude was totally worth the money to freak you out.
ReplyDeleteAlternatively, stop looking at his junk!
ReplyDeleteSpeedos! Yuck. They should be banned. I know you are European and all, but still.
ReplyDeleteIt's a crime against junk. And eyes.
Tim: I might have known this was one of your dastardly schemes!
ReplyDeleteAnd I certainly wasn't looking at his junk. I couldn't if I wanted to as his belly was covering it up.
T-Bird: And sensitivities.
Speedos *should* be banned. However, there are an elite few who can carry them off, so perhaps special dispensation can be given in these cases?
My geology professor in college was around 70 years old and wore speedos while cycling. He had tiny, rear view mirrors on his glasses and he was very slender. An old professor stuffed in a complete body speedo is another thing one doesn't want to see in the morning, afternoon, mid afternoon or evening.
ReplyDeleteBut it's OK at night, Tara??
ReplyDeleteBet that stopped you working up an appetite.
ReplyDeleteWhere are these elite few you have seen? They certainly do not hang around where I am.
Oh no, definitely not. Although it is harder to see them at night. It isn't okay to see that kind of thing during any part of the day or night. How's that? :)
ReplyDeletePiggy in his his gym shorts is another thing we don't want to see at any time of day.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the Fat Bastard felt sexy that morning!
ReplyDeleteThis is your opportunity to make this man over! Call the troops! Isn't this the kind of crisis that gay fivesomes solve?
Speaking of an elite few who would look good in Speedos
ReplyDeleteheya Bingowings!
The picture you posted IDV is just repulsive - you eat that?
W*P*D: Well, I certainly didn't want my cereal with sultanas, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteThe elite few, are closer than you may think... Not me, I hasten to add * shudders in horror *
Tara: That's much better, thank you! You had me worried for a minute.
MJ: Oog, don't!
Eros: There are somethings that even the Fabulous Five can't do.
CyberPetra: You've got the idea. I can think of at least one other, too!
To put your mind at rest, No, I most certainly do not eat that vile glop.
I bet you do. Eat that vile goo, that is.
ReplyDeleteYou disgust me!
In a good way, Tim?
ReplyDelete*filth*
ReplyDeleteThe bloke who lives in the opposite house from us often wears his tiny Speedos in summer, even though he's really scrawny and about sixty. Now we seem to have acquired a neighbour who likes to spend time in the garden with his top off from March to October. These people don't even have the excuse of indulging in any sort of sporting activity. Make it stop!
ReplyDeleteBut people do eat that?
ReplyDeleteThe name always makes me giggle. The first time I encountered it I thought it was a typo. You know, spotted duck sounds more likely.
I was wrong. again.
It's bad innuendo, Pete. You can safely bet the Brits meant it that way, too.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think it's all just one massive "Carry On" film over there.
My dick's not spotted.
ReplyDeleteI hate raisins.
T-Birdy that would be brilliant!
ReplyDeleteOoh er! Carry on Pete!
ReplyDeleteI think I'd be a fan of spotted dick. I love raisins.
That was in no way meant to be smutty. I promise.
T Bird, I luv raisins, too, esp the chocolate covered ones! But I hate grapes! Go figure! I mean, I luv wine, I luv grape juice, heck even grape flavored drinks, but I hate grapes!
ReplyDeleteRaisins and Sultanas are the best! Do you guys get Sultana Bran?
ReplyDeleteMy absolute favourite - I look forward to breakfast when I have it in the pantry.
1. Cut a hole in the box
ReplyDelete2. Put your dick in it.
ReplyDelete3. It's my [beeep] in a box.
ReplyDeleteWrap that up in a bow and IDV gets a belated birthday present!
ReplyDeleteBetty: As soon as I find the right spell, I *will* make it stop.
ReplyDeleteCyberPetra: Yes, people do eat it. It's disgusting!
I'm not averse to cake with sultanas in, though
T-Bird: Half the time it is. The Carry On films are part of schools curriculums over here. And we get fined if you don't make at least one pervy innuendo per day.
Tim: You'd better let me check.
I hate raisins too - We've got so much in common!
CyberPetra: It is!
T-Bird: Oooer, missus!
Eros: I'm the same with tomatoes. Loathe actual tomatoes, but like them in sauce, bolognaise, dried, etc.
I also like sultanas despite disliking raisins...
T-Bird: I think we get sultana bran - We seem to have bran with prettu much everything & everything in it these days.
Rimmer, T-Bird & Tim: Why, thank you! How thoughtful! It's the nicest birthday present I think I've ever received.
In fact, I was so overcome with joy at my lovely present that I completely cocked up the second-from-last reply to T-Bird. It should have read "anything & everything" and "pretty".
ReplyDeleteStop this crazy talk! The Speedo rules. Most guys, even those with big bellies which are visible even in shorts, have great legs. So bring on the Speedo...
ReplyDeleteEveryone ignore Snooze. She's obviously delerious or something.
ReplyDeleteT Bird and IDV, I had no clue as to what a Sultana was (other than a female ruler of some Arabic country); so today, while shopping for groceries, I spent 20 minutes in the raisins section trying to figure out what the heck sultanas were; I didn't find any, but I did find currants, which are really just raisins!
ReplyDeleteWhen I got home, I googled sultanas, and it turns out, they're freakin golden raisins! Those, I've had, and those I've seen in the raisin sections, only they're labeled as golden raisins! And yes, they are tasty! But why the hell don't they just call them raisins instead of confusing us with these fancy names?!
Snooze, I daresay, why stop at men? I think women look hot in Speedos!
Each to their own, Eros.
ReplyDelete* tuts and sighs *
Why is it always the pretty ones that have no clue?
You will not silence me! [although I suppose you could delete me] My Speedo campaign will conquer the world. Anyhoo - you wore the freaking elf shorts. How much worse is a speedo?
ReplyDeleteYou have a point, Snooze. But can you at least give me some warning just before the Speedo conquers the world?
ReplyDeleteOkay, it's a deal.
ReplyDelete