Thursday, 8 May 2008

Final Destination

I awoke the next morning to hear the front door creak open. Hooray! I thought. They're off! Sadly, when I got downstairs I discovered that they'd only gone outside for a smoke. How disappointing. However, Tazzy & Piggy's bad habit (one of many), gave me a fabulous idea to get rid of them once and for all...

When they came inside, demanding tea and toast, I suggested another quick tour of the city to see the bits we missed out on the day before. Car agreed to accept them into its interior and chauffeur them around once it heard my plan for Tazzy & Piggy's good riddance.

I cackled to myself as they wolfed down hot buttered toast, washed down with tea. Piggy sat on the settee, his legs dangling, little trotters barely touching the floor as he wrote part one of their take on their time in Norwich.

After a quick stop off at the docks, just so they could see the sight of my alleged 'other occupation', I led them - rubbing my hands together with glee (and also casting a powerful, protective hex around myself at the same time) - to what I hoped would be their final destination:

Norwich Cathedral! It seems our arrival had been foreseen, although we turned up three weeks early...
I stepped over the threshold feeling a not entirely unpleasant stinging, burning sensation - I should've cast a stronger hex. Still, my discomfort was quickly forgotten as I turned to see what would happen to the two dirty, filthy poofs in my wake.
To my horror, they crossed over into the cathedral entirely unscathed! No burning flesh. No bolts of lightning incinerating them. And no giant sandle-wearing animated foot descending from the heavens to squash them! Hmmmph.
Oh well, as we were here, I thought we'd better make the most of it and have a look around.

I would write about the magnificent architecture and all, but I really can't be arsed. I forgot my camera, too, so you'll have to rely on the pics from Piggy & Tazzy's version of events Part Two. If they ever post it.
Anyway, we stopped off in the cathedral shop and laughed at the hideous tat that was on sale. Although, the Yorkshire Poofs actually seemed to like some of it, strangely. What wasn't strange was the consternation they caused. Tazzy bought a Benedictine Monk Bear and said "Cheers, love" to the prim woman behind the counter as she handed it over in a paper bag. Well, she almost keeled over at the shocking 'Oop North' talk. It's a good job there were some Norfolk Lavender smelling salts on hand to revive her. At least Tazzy had the decency to to look ashamed at his lack of decorum.
Piggy, on the other hand, had no qualms about swearing in the refectory and eyeing up a plain-clothes transvestite as we sat having a coffee. At this point however, after nearly 24 hours in his company, I wasn't fazed by it.
I should mention that we nearly didn't make it to the refectory for coffee. It was only one level up, but Piggy insisted on using the lift to get there rather than wear his little legs down even more by tramping up the stairs. Well, we got in the lift, pressed the button and began our ascent. Only for it to shudder to a halt halfway up before plummeting down again. Oh no! I thought. We're on an express-elevator to Hell! We'd been lulled into a false sense of security and now were trapped. Luckily, the lift shuddered to a stop where we first got in and we were able to pile out safely and ascend via the stairs.

And now, thankfully, they're gone. I must admit, it was lovely to meet them in person, especially as they must have been on their best behaviour. There was very little uttering of the cunt-word, no farting (that I heard or smelt, anyway), plenty of blog-gossip and they didn't barge into my bedroom in the middle of the night. Well, not that I recall. If they did, the experience was so horrific that I've managed to blank out the memories.
However, I still haven't dared pull back the duvet on their bed for fear of what horrors lurk beneath. Well, you'd hesitate too if you'd heard their tales of pant-shitting and bed-wetting!

P.S. I've managed to post a picture of T&P on the previous post, now.


  1. Before I read your post, I just want to ask:

    What bizarre sexual position are they attempting in that pic on your previous post?

  2. I see you've placed a giant white throw on the settee to protect from Tazzy and Piggy stainage.

    I haven't been able to access their blog for the last hour. That can only mean they're trying to upload pics of your warty wand.

  3. Anonymous8/5/08 16:18

    Hmm. We noticed our site was down too.

    It (should be) works again now. But we're in Smunt country now, so unable to fix it if it goes down again until we get back home.


    Back to dealing with the horror experience of the smunts. Our part two of the Norwich experience will be much more truthful than the witchy account.


  4. Tazzy, is there nothing stripeless in your closet? Or did you show up to IVD's house nekkid and had to go into his closet of horrors?

    And big boys shouldn't wear horizontal stripes.

    Piggy, your blog works now though I don't know why I bothered as you haven't posted pics of IVD's wand on it.

    As for The Smunts, tell them I miss them terribly. Though not as much as I missed IVD when he was without his demon box. But almost.

  5. MJ: I dread to think what the outcome would have been if I hadn't arrived when I did. There was an awful lot of grunting and oinking going on.

    Yeah, that throw was a mistake. I knew I should've used the brown one...

    P&T: What do you mean "much more truthful than the witchy account"? My account is nothing but pure, sweet truth!

    MJ: I don't own anything with stripes wider than 2cm, I'll have you know. And certainly nothing that would make me look like a bowl of ice-cream! No, that attire was all Tazzy's.

    I can assure you that my wand was kept out of sight all weekend, too.

    ::hisses:: Thank you, MJ.

  6. Did you measure the stripes on your clothes?

  7. Certainly not, CyberPetra, dear.

    I got the house boy to do it.

  8. Thank god, a queen like you just don't do that sort of thing

  9. Anonymous8/5/08 20:37

    He lies! He gets a Thai boy to do it!

    In return for stale bread.


    We'll be posting new pics at the weekend. Until that point, you'll just have to wait, you bunch of impatient cunts.

    In the meantime, I rebooted the server. That's all I'm doing.

    We're on holiday, for fucks sake!

  10. I'm trying to see what shitty DVDs you've bought…

  11. I can't wait for Piggy Tazzy's interpretation of events.

  12. Perhaps you'd've had better luck at St John the Baptist Cathedral instead! The Catholics have an organization that specialize in exorcising the unholy!--no, not the albinos who get off on self mutilation and kill to protect church conspiracies, but actual priests with holy water and all...

    On second thought, all that pea soup would be a nightmare to clean up afterwards...

    Great pics!

  13. CyberPetra: A queen like me doesn't do anything unless I can possibly help it.

    P&T: Yes, and he'll like it, too.

    You may be having a holiday, but I bet The Smunts are being run ragged by your demands.
    Poor Steve and Carly...

    Tim: I'm surprised you can see anything from your cold, dark dungeon.

    Don't worry though. T-Bird and I will be along shortly to warm you up.

    Mwah hah hah hah hah ha!

    T-Bird: You know theirs will be full of despicable lies, don't you?

    Eros: Thanks for the advice, but you're right. Piggy & Tazzy are messy enough without adding pea soup to the mix.

  14. If they did barge into your bedroom at night, I hope they post the video.

  15. Dammit Tim made me interested in what DVDs you've got there.

    Too bad we can't see it. Could you take another one of the shelf please?

  16. Anonymous9/5/08 18:40

    We can tell you that his DVD collection consists of everything camp you can imagine.

    Brokeback, Priscilla, Tom and Jerry, Jane Fonda's Workout... you get the drift.

    Astonishing and shameful.

  17. Jane Fonda's workout?

    Oh dear.. how old is he anyway?

    He doesn't look old enough to have that in the pics on your blog Piggy


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