Thursday, 8 May 2008
I awoke the next morning to hear the front door creak open. Hooray! I thought. They're off! Sadly, when I got downstairs I discovered that they'd only gone outside for a smoke. How disappointing. However, Tazzy & Piggy's bad habit (one of many), gave me a fabulous idea to get rid of them once and for all...
When they came inside, demanding tea and toast, I suggested another quick tour of the city to see the bits we missed out on the day before. Car agreed to accept them into its interior and chauffeur them around once it heard my plan for Tazzy & Piggy's good riddance.
I cackled to myself as they wolfed down hot buttered toast, washed down with tea. Piggy sat on the settee, his legs dangling, little trotters barely touching the floor as he wrote part one of their take on their time in Norwich.
After a quick stop off at the docks, just so they could see the sight of my alleged 'other occupation', I led them - rubbing my hands together with glee (and also casting a powerful, protective hex around myself at the same time) - to what I hoped would be their final destination:
Norwich Cathedral! It seems our arrival had been foreseen, although we turned up three weeks early...
I stepped over the threshold feeling a not entirely unpleasant stinging, burning sensation - I should've cast a stronger hex. Still, my discomfort was quickly forgotten as I turned to see what would happen to the two dirty, filthy poofs in my wake.
To my horror, they crossed over into the cathedral entirely unscathed! No burning flesh. No bolts of lightning incinerating them. And no giant sandle-wearing animated foot descending from the heavens to squash them! Hmmmph.
Oh well, as we were here, I thought we'd better make the most of it and have a look around.
I would write about the magnificent architecture and all, but I really can't be arsed. I forgot my camera, too, so you'll have to rely on the pics from Piggy & Tazzy's version of events Part Two. If they ever post it.
Anyway, we stopped off in the cathedral shop and laughed at the hideous tat that was on sale. Although, the Yorkshire Poofs actually seemed to like some of it, strangely. What wasn't strange was the consternation they caused. Tazzy bought a Benedictine Monk Bear and said "Cheers, love" to the prim woman behind the counter as she handed it over in a paper bag. Well, she almost keeled over at the shocking 'Oop North' talk. It's a good job there were some Norfolk Lavender smelling salts on hand to revive her. At least Tazzy had the decency to to look ashamed at his lack of decorum.
Piggy, on the other hand, had no qualms about swearing in the refectory and eyeing up a plain-clothes transvestite as we sat having a coffee. At this point however, after nearly 24 hours in his company, I wasn't fazed by it.
I should mention that we nearly didn't make it to the refectory for coffee. It was only one level up, but Piggy insisted on using the lift to get there rather than wear his little legs down even more by tramping up the stairs. Well, we got in the lift, pressed the button and began our ascent. Only for it to shudder to a halt halfway up before plummeting down again. Oh no! I thought. We're on an express-elevator to Hell! We'd been lulled into a false sense of security and now were trapped. Luckily, the lift shuddered to a stop where we first got in and we were able to pile out safely and ascend via the stairs.
And now, thankfully, they're gone. I must admit, it was lovely to meet them in person, especially as they must have been on their best behaviour. There was very little uttering of the cunt-word, no farting (that I heard or smelt, anyway), plenty of blog-gossip and they didn't barge into my bedroom in the middle of the night. Well, not that I recall. If they did, the experience was so horrific that I've managed to blank out the memories.
However, I still haven't dared pull back the duvet on their bed for fear of what horrors lurk beneath. Well, you'd hesitate too if you'd heard their tales of pant-shitting and bed-wetting!
P.S. I've managed to post a picture of T&P on the previous post, now.