Sunday 30 September 2007

Lucky escape

You know how when you see someone you fancy in a crowded bar, and your friends say "Go and speak to them" and you say "But I don't know what to say" and they practically force you to, saying "But you'll know once you get their attention", well, that's bollocks! Don't listen to them. They know shit all. All that comes out of your mouth is utter crap - Well, all that came out of my mouth was utter crap, anyway.

I'm thankful, actually. Up close, he was a right mess!

Monday 24 September 2007

Why, I do declare...

this Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition is finally over!

I have decided on a winner. But before that, let's peruse the 'also-ran's'...

First of all, let's get MJ and SID out of the way. Not because they were rubbish - Far from it, in fact. No, their captions had me giggling like a school girl. Here're some of my favourites:

MJ said...
Bright legs at night, sailors delight.
Replacement for Portland Bill Lighthouse found in Norwich.
Tranny stuck in cranny.News at eleven.Smunty the postie is delighted to find IVD’s installed a new mail slot.

S.I.D. said...
RSPCA arrest man for trying to attract badgers for night time pleasures

IVD's parents congratulate themselves on their first attempt at precision shed dropping

Right. That's those two taken care of. Here are my favourite entries from everyone who isn't SID and MJ:

Krissteen's -
If I could just click my fucking heels I would be fine, but no.... some stupid twat made me drink the wretched fluid in the yellow tub and now I can't move at all.

Piggy and Tazzy's -
As dunking was out of the question due to yet another water shortage, the good folks of Norwich decided just to chop the skinny cunt in half with the garden gate with the rusty hinges.

The open mouthed kids thought it was much better than the planned Punch and Judy show.

Kim's, from Elf Shorts history on Ms. Mac's Behalf -
SID's 'Whore Trap' caught more than he bargained for.

Convict thwarted Frobisher with his limbo themed caption -
Anorexic Dorothy wannabe found dead in limbo tragedy. 

And Tatas left this -
One day a hydra was loosed
and elves had been seduced
The hydra, a terrible serpent
his demeanor ever so ferment

Heads six had he
and terrified me
seven inch fangs
and spittle that hangs

Truly a darkened day
when elves could not go play
The dark elves had trained them to kill
they laughed for it gave them a thrill

So I took up my sword and ran for the cave
trying to be, an elf that was brave
I swung my blade and off with a head
then I kept swinging until he was dead

So home I returned to my peers
basking in elfin cheers.

And finally, Coven member extraordinaire and teeterer atop the Hag Pillar, T-Bird, left this caption -
Host: That spell was supposed to give me a torso like a brick shithouse!
IDV: *snigger*

Now, this lot either don't want to win, or don't have a blog, so can't win. Idiots.

CyberPete's -
IDV came home a little bit miffy

Went to the henhouse and smelled something iffy
Thought the shorts must have gone a little bit whiffy
But not as smelly as his own little stiffy

He then realised his mistake, trying to rectify it as follows:

As for the little stiffy comment, I bet you are hung like a horse but you can't really tell from the picture. Please send evidence.

Personally I believe he is massive.

He's right.

While we're on the subject, Tim left this comment, which is just begging to be turned into a caption: 
 I just realised - this picture looks like a publicity photo from a low-budget straight to DVD sequel to Mannequin, in which Kim Cattrall's whory old dummy ends up at a branch of B&Q where she's subsequently crushed by fence panelling.

Good lord, by the looks of those legs, Kim Cattrall's really let herself go.

Tim's reason for not wanting to be part of the FGESCC? There is no way on Earth I am going to let those shorts get anywhere near my awesome man-parts. 
Well, Tim, we only have your word on your 'parts awesomeness. Perhaps I could inspect them to verify said awesomeness? I'll even give you a certificate.

The prolific and hilarious YNF, who could have won six times over, left these gems:
Dr Who season premiere: The Tardis lands in Oz.

Instead of welcoming committee, IDV thought he was asked to be the welcoming mat--still, many visitors enjoyed his spread.

More than meets the eye, IDV begins his transformation into Trailertron, the mobile home autobot.

To the dismay of CSI agents, the black light revealed the victims legs were completely covered in semen, creating a list of suspects thicker than the first 3 volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Deceptively coy, the insatiable Venus fly trap spreads itself wide open, eagerly anticipating it's next piece of meat.

I particularly like this ditty:

Ho, a queer, a fem-like dear
Ray, his legs bright as the sun
Me, I'm afraid of the shorts myself
Far, away I should run
So, they say he gives great head
La Femme Fatale he is they said
Tea bagging in his shoes of red
and that'll bring us back to
Ho Ho Ho Ho...

So, it gives me great pleasure to announce that the winner of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts is -

What the...?

Drat! I knew I shouldn't have extended the deadline for this thing. For there's been a last minute change. Someone snuck in and ruined this carefully crafted post that I'd been working on all Sunday afternoon. You see, I was not expecting any great epiphanies from anyone - I'd assumed you were all utterly spent. While that in itself has not been proven incorrect - Tim, I can assess you for this, too, if you disagree - the person in question changed their eligibility.

Although, in a way, I'm glad they did. You see, I was having great difficulty choosing a winner. I'd got it down to three finalists, and just became a big indecisive mess. I mean, I even started drinking at ten o'clock in the morning!

Suffice it to say:

SID, with: After six hours waiting, IVD realised that his desire to be poked by a munchkin, was highly unlikely

Piggy & Tazzy's: "Mummy! Mummy! Look what the cat's dragging in!"

First Nations, with: Dorothy recoiled in horror and backed away slowly....'Screw Auntie Em and the horse she rode in on, Glinda. YOU wear 'em.'

The commenter-formally-known-as-YNF, Eroswings, with:

IDV thighs,
IDV thighs,
Every morning you greet me.
Long and White,
Smooth and Bright,
You look horny to meet me.

Blossom among Hoes
May you Bloom and Glow,
Bloom and Glow forever.

IDV thighs,
IDV thighs,
Be STD free forever.

Congratulations Eroswings! You are the next wearer of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts, you stupid sod. Fancy getting a blog...

Phew! I'm exhausted now. Thank gods it's over with. Eroswings: It's over to you!

Clenched closed

I am relieved to announce that the orifice for leaving FGESCC captions is now tightly shut.

I will be announcing the winner later on, when I get home from work...

Saturday 22 September 2007

Just another day

Due to an inexplicable... Let's just say 'glitch', I've extended The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition* by 24 hours. So, you now have until 12 noon (GMT) Monday 24th Spetemeber to get your caption in.

I'll announce the winner later that day, or on Tuesday morning.

May your captions flow like wine.

* I've linked to it in case anyone is stupid enough not to scroll down...

Sunday 16 September 2007

Blast off!

Behold... The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition

Hang on. You may need these:


This is it! This is The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! Leave your captions here. For the rules etc, see the next post down.

Fly, my pretties. Fly!

Saturday 15 September 2007

Zero Hour!

1... Ignition

At last! Here’s your chance to enter The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! These rules and regulations are brought to you in association with that Infomaniac, MJ.*

“What do I have to do to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts?” you ask. Take a long, hard look at the photo above of IDV (that's me) wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts. Create a caption. Post your caption in the comments section. I’ll choose my favourite caption and post the winner’s name on, or just after, September 24th.

“May I enter more than once?” Enter as many captions as you wish, as often as you like.

“What happens if I win?” If you’re chosen as the lucky winner, I’ll send The 'Shorts to you. If you’re in another country, I’ll also send you a souvenir of my county & country; Norfolk, England, along with The 'Shorts. Bonus! Then it’s your turn to take a photograph of yourself wearing The 'Shorts and post it on your blog.

“I don’t have a blog or a website. Can I still enter?” No. You’re shite out of luck. Set yourself up with a blog because if you win, you must post a pic of yourself wearing The 'Shorts. We all want to see you make a fool of yourself like the previous winners have all done.

“If I send you my credit card number and access to my bank account, will you declare me the winner?” Bribery will not be tolerated. So far I have received bribes involving unlimited supplies of Boy Butter™, unlifelong membership of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Underworld, a gingerbread cottage and offers of sexual favours. Grovelling and begging is looked upon favourably but will not win you The 'Shorts.

“How long do I have to enter?” The competition closes at midday GMT on Sunday, September 23rd. The winner will be announced on Monday, September 24th at whatever time I get around to it.

“What if I don’t want to win The 'Shorts but I want to tell you how stupid you look in The 'Shorts?” If you don’t want to win The 'Shorts you can still leave a comment. Just be sure to let me know it’s a comment and not a caption.

“Are those stains removable?” No amount of scrubbing will remove the stains. And why would you want to?

“Will you wash The 'Shorts before you send them to me?” Again, why would you want me to?

“I’m new here. What’s this all about?” If you’re wondering what this competition is all about, read The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts at MJ the Infomaniac's.

Good luck, my pretties!

REMINDER: Submit your captions by midday Greenwich Mean Time on Sunday, September 23rd.

* Because I'm too damn lazy to do my own. Plus, MJ's are quite serviceable.

Friday 14 September 2007

The Final Countdown!

10... 9... 8...

"Anti-radiation gear to maximum."

"Bring air filtration units online."

"Run multi-spectrum antibacteriological sweep."

7... 6... 5...

"Lock and load tranquilisers."

"Antibiotic swabs on standby."

"Engaging light filters."

This is where The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts have been:

Where will they go next? If you desire The 'Shorts for your own perverse and nefarious purposes, and wish to inflict their filth and pestilence upon your area*, come back on Sunday 16th September to leave an insightful caption to go with the picture that will be displayed here. Whosoever leaves the best caption ensures The 'Shorts will soon be upon them - Mwah hah hah ha!!

4... 3... 2...

Oh, here's some more information courtesy of that slapper the informative Infomaniac, MJ.

* I meant the area in which you live, not your... Oh, I give up.

Monday 10 September 2007

Out of the woodwork

Well. Who knew showing a bit of leg could garner 32 comments in such a short* period** of time?

I won't be doing that again in a hurry.

Except for this Sunday, of course. Then that's it!

* No pun intended.
** Please tell me you didn't, MJ?

Friday 7 September 2007


Right! I can't take any more moaning, griping and complaining about the lack of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. I plan on posting the competition next week, commencing 16/09/07.

However, here's a little something to get those juices* flowing:

* That's 'creative' juices you perverts, and nothing else!

Wednesday 5 September 2007

Monstrously chewy

I thought of this at work today while on the phone to one of our offices in Barrow-in-Furness.

I wish I'd thought to ask the woman I spoke to if the bus depot has been rebuilt...

Tuesday 4 September 2007

"La Cenerentola"

It appears Cinderella works at, or at least visited, my place of employment today. What makes me certain of this? Why, this tannoy announcement:

If there is a female member of staff working here who has lost an item of footwear, please come and collect it at reception

I kept an eye out for Cyberpete, but as I didn't see him*, I can only assume that the footwear in question wasn't a Manolo...

* Or hear a screech of delight!

Sunday 2 September 2007

Gratuitous carnage!

This has to be one of my favourite bits of Malcolm in the Middle.

P.S. I'm not really dead.

Saturday 1 September 2007