Tuesday 29 September 2009


Happy birthday, CyberPete! Here's your cak-

* trip *

* splat *


~ ~ ~

I knew it wasn't going to be a good day when I tripped over and found myself flat on my face. I lifted my head to discover that things weren't just bad, they were worse... Not Brown Jelly Baby worse, thank gods. No, Cusp Interface worse, which explained the stinging sensation.
Grumbling, I attempted to get to my feet. A difficult task when the wooden floor I was sprawled on kept moving up and down. It was then I realised that it was going to be more difficult getting to my feet than I first thought. Because I didn't have any. Blast!
Instead of legs and feet, I had a good six feet of fish tail. Conger eel, if I wasn't very much mistaken. Tutting, I had a good look around. I appeared to be on an old fashioned sailing ship judging by the wooden construction and the alarming pitching and rolling. I slithered to my left and peered through a wooden railing. There, approximately 20 feet below me, was the sea. No, make that 10 feet. Actually, 17. No, 8. 22. 10 again.
A flash of lightning illuminated the surrounding water. Great. We were in the midst of a storm, complete with roiling sea and -Ow!- hailstones.
Feeling quite battered and sick, I slithered back to the railing and wriggled through it, plunging into the cold, heaving sea.
Surfacing, I watched as the great ship struggled against the storm. Men swarmed over the decks and rigging, attempting to secure the sails and batten down the hatches, or whatever it was that sailors did in these circumstances. Amongst all the to-ing and fro-ing stood a solitary man dressed only in chaps, a brocaded T-shirt and a cowboy hat. A cowboy-prince? He appeared to be directing the other men, pointing and shouting above the noise of the storm. His T-shirt was soaked and, distractingly, clung to his rather impressive body!
Beams of light from the portholes drew my attention to two or three objects bobbing up and down amongst the waves not far from me. Rather maddeningly, the lightning had ceased it's stabbing in the dark so I couldn't make out what they were. And one of the objects appeared to be singing Come Into My World by Kylie Minogue, and not altogether in tune! I waited as patiently as I could for some lightning to illuminate them - I didn't want to swim over in case it was something awful, like a siren-mine or a crazed fan. After what seemed like half an hour, but was more likely two minutes, I tired of being patient and resorted to witchcraft to summon the lightning. A spell guaranteed to bring forth the electrical force formed in my mind. There were no words, only actions: I threw back my head and gave an evil laugh, a la T-Bag.
The storm conceded and a bright fork of lightning coursed through the evening sky illuminating what appeared to be mermaid/man versions of 'Petra and Piggy & Tazzy! 'Petra (the singer - somewhat obviously in hindsight) was gooily ogling the buff prince while P&T also had their sights set on him, and were rubbing themselves disturbingly.

Unfortunately, the lightning struck the ship, igniting the gunpowder for the cannons, blowing it to smithereens. Oops!

I ducked under the surface so as not to be clonked in the head by ship-based projectiles and watched from the depths as bits of ship and man rained slowly down through the cold, dark water. Occasionally, a whole man drifted by. One of them caught the 'Petra-mermaid's eye - Well, I imagine the muscles and gold brocade caught his eye - It was the cowboy-prince. He darted after him and carried him up to the surface and away...

To be continued...

Saturday 26 September 2009

Poofiest Yorkshire

And we're back. From holiday, that is.

Here's where we were:

View Larger Map

Actually, we stayed in a lodge on the edge of Carlton Miniott, just outside Thirsk (scroll left on the map along the A170 and A61). The GoogleMap shows where most of the photos were taken. It centres on Low Town Bank Road, but we actually drove along the A170, up Sutton Bank and parked at the top before walking along a footpath that ran alongside a glider launch facility.
Here, look. I've snipped the map to show you:

Here're the pictures:

This is me and Moom. For continuity purposes I'm wearing the infamous striped top. Do your worst, MJ!

Between the trees is the aforementioned big cliff at the end of our walk.

This is our lodge. Actually, this is the one opposite ours - I never got around to taking a picture of ours. However, ours is the same as the one on the right, here.

Ah. Here's me in the hot tub outside our lodge. And, no, I hadn't been eating beans!

Sunday 20 September 2009

Hello, Dave.

We are going away tomorrow to Poofiest Yorkshire. I doubt even our presence will make it noticeably more poofy as these two seem to have it pretty much sewn up.
Anyway (Piggy's favourite word), I thought I'd let you know as I'll be incommunicado for the next five days. And before you start, I realise that you'll hardly notice a difference!

Just as a warning: I'm going to leave my trusty Demon Box overseer to keep an eye on things in my absence. Mind you all behave yourselves, now!

Monday 14 September 2009

Bookend (the one on the left)

Hello, and welcome to another entry from the book-type ingredients. I'm not doing very well at reading this year, what with one thing and another. In fact, up until a month or so ago, I'd only managed to read two books: Star Trek Destiny: Lost Souls, and Making Money (see the last Book-themed post). Oh, I am also quite a long way through Bone - I know I started it ages ago, but it's a very long graphic novel, what with being the collected works etc, and I find that I have to be in the mood to read it. It is very engaging, though.

Anyway, back to the update. I've got through five books in the last month. Pretty good going for someones with less and less spare time. They are, as follows:

Star Trek Vanguard: Open Secrets, by Dayton Ward.

It follows on from Reap The Whirlwind, by David Mack, which I have just realised hasn't been a part of my Book posts. That means that last year I must have read 23 books, not 22!

It continues the tale of Starbase 47 and the discoveries within the Taurus Reach. Even though that looks like the Enterprise ("N-C-C 1-7-0-1. No bloody A, B, C, or D.") on the cover, it is actually the USS Endeavour (NCC 1895) defending the starbase from a Klingon attack.

Star Trek Destiny: Lost Souls, by David Mack; Star Trek: A Singular Destiny, by Keith R A DeCandido; and Star Trek Titan: Over A Torrent Sea, by Christopher L Bennett.

Lost souls is the final book of the Destiny series - The one I was really looking forward to at the end of last year. The other two are set after the events of Destiny and feature the United Federation of Planets getting to grips with the devastation wreaked by the Borg, and the continuing exploration of the galaxy.

Star Trek: Countdown, by Tim Jones, Mike Johnson, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman with art by David Messina.

This is a graphic novel collecting the four prequel comics to Star Trek. Not a required read before you see the film, but it does give more information on why Nero is so intent on destroying the Federation. Plus, the Next Generation Crew feature to some extent.

Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding.

Need I say more? Actually, this is the first time I've read the book since seeing the film years ago. For a while, as I read it, I kept imagining Renee Zellweger, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth as the characters in their respective roles, but, thank gods, they were soon replaced by the original characters I imagined when I first read this book!

And that's it for now. I'll probably do the bookend on the right at the end of the year.

Wednesday 9 September 2009

Something something: Answer

During an unexpected lull at work today, I found myself sifting through ancient emails and I found this meme. It's one I discovered years ago at Tornwordo's not long after I first started blogging. I copied it and emailed it to a few friends then lost it amongst hundreds of non-work related emails. This afternoon, it made a triumphant return!
I've left my (the Host's) original answers in place (in white) so you can see what I was like back in 2005, and reanswered some of them as of now. Enjoy!

1) My mother once: turned me upside down and smacked my back to stop me choking on a mint imperial.

2) Never in my life: have I french kissed a girl. Or done anything else to a girl for that matter.

3) When I was five: it was 1980/1.

4) High school was/is: not very memorable.

5) I will never forget: that I am short sighted.

6) I once met: Pam St.Clement (Pat from Eastenders) when she came to the cafe where I worked in my teens. I made her a fried egg sandwich - glam, eh? Jonathan Del Arco, AKA Hugh Borg, in a lift in Leicester.

7) There's this person I know who: is the most ham-fisted cow I've ever met. You know who you are :)

8) Once, at a bar: I found a fiver.

9) By noon I'm usually: starving.

10) Last night I: had a quiet night in, bathing and reading. Actually, I did last night, too. I'm nothing if not predictable, it seems.

11) If only I had: immortality.

12) Next time I go to church/temple: I'll try not to burst into flames as I cross the threshold.

13) Terri Schiavo: Who? I still have no idea who she is.

14) I like: standing outside in the rain (as long as I'm not going anywhere).

15) When I turn my head left, I see: ivory woodchip. A wardrobe.

16) When I turn my head right, I see: a dining room in need of a make over. Out of the window to the trees encircling the park opposite our house.

17) You know I'm lying when: you catch me out.

18) In junior school: I tickled a boy so much that he wet himself.

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I'd be very surprised.

20) By this time next year I: hope I've done something to change my life. I hadn't, of course. Still haven't unless one counts meeting SP.

21) A better name for me would be: The Boy Who Wished His Life Away.

22) I have a hard time understanding: how people can be so thoughtless.

23) If I ever go back to school, I'll: stick out like a sore thumb.

24) You know I like you if: I spend time with you by choice.

25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: whoever supported me doing whatever it was that got me the award.

26) I hope that: I don't end up found three weeks later half eaten by alsations. As long as SP lasts the distance, this one shouldn't come to pass.

27) Take my advice: don't jump to conclusions.

28) My ideal breakfast is: one brought to me in bed by a half naked, sexy man - step forward Connor Trinneer. Or Jake Gyllenhaal/Eddie Cibrian/Seann William Scott etc... Oh, or SP.

29) A song I love but do not have is: Biology by Girls Aloud. Of course, being a fabulous Gayer, I own it now. A song I still don't have is: Liza Minelli's Losing My Mind. Perhaps I'm not so fabulous after all?

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you come and see me.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips and track stars: bulbs, intriguing, complicated and athletic.

32) Why won't anyone: do? what I say immediately!

33) If you spend the night at my house: I'll let you use the guest towels.

34) I'd stop my wedding: when the Rohypnol wears off and I realise what's going on. If SP pulls his face off revealing himself to be a muck monster from Mordo.

35) The world could do without: greed and intolerance.

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a roach than: burn to death. Again.

37) My favourite thing is: being outside on a really windy day and imagining the wind carrying me off.

38) Paper clips are more useful than: people give them credit for.

39) And by the way: when I say No, I mean it!

40) The last time I was (really) drunk: I ran around in my red pants! And I haven't been hideously pissed since that half-naked night.

41) My grandmother always: is. Used to say "Pig!" after she'd unleashed an enormous burp.

And there you have it. Now for the tags (if you can be arsed): Tim, Dinah, Eros, Beast and 'Petra. Knock yourselves out!

Friday 4 September 2009

You odious sea cow!

I have just watched the best episode of Ugly Betty.

Well, I say "the best", I am a little bit saturated with alcohol!

Anyway, I liked it a lot for the burgeoning respect that Betty and Marc have for each other, but I especially liked it for this line that Marc utters after Betty gets accepted into Y.E.T.I. (Young Editors Training Institute or somesuch) over him:

"Marc isn't in right now, but if you leave your name and number he'll never speak to you again, you odious sea cow, Betty! Beeeep."

(You only need to watch the first 12 seconds for the quote)

Next week, someone at work is going to be called an odious sea cow.

I can't wait!


Tuesday 1 September 2009


... by the invisible man.

And his dog!