Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Invasion


Perched side-saddle on Broom, I swooped out of the sky, narrowly avoiding the cherry tree's twiggy grasping clutches. Coming to a less than controlled landing on the lawn, I lurched forward in my haste to get into my house via the back door. If only I could reinforce the front door before it was staved in by the combined forces of the bestriped invasion force!

Too late!


Tazzy, looking alarmingly like neapolitan ice-cream in his stripey top, had battered the door down but was evidently not wanting to be first inside my delightful abode. Piggy, wearing a Cheeky Monkey t-shirt (although Moaning Cunt would have been more apt), somehow managed to push Tazzy in, despite his miniscule frame. Once inside, they plumped themselves down and demanded tea.
Contrary to their side of the story, the tea most definitely was not Tesco Value tea. As most of you will know, I only shop in Sainsbury's (Waitrose and M&S if I'm feeling particularly flush), so the tea was Red Label. I don't know if it's good or not as I don't drink tea, despite being British. Well, the odd cup of Earl Grey now and again. And then only when I have my monocle on!

Wanting them out of the house as soon as possible, I suggested a tour of Norwich before tea (the meal, not the drink). Now, the city centre is only a twenty minute walk from my house, but Piggy & Tazzy were adamant that they weren't going to use their stumpy little legs needlessly. So, instead of walking, I had to beg and plead with Car to accept the two interlopers into its plush interior. I couldn't possibly take them into the city on Broom as the poor thing would never have got off the ground! Eventually, Car relented and we were on our way.


Five minutes later and we were in the city centre. Word must have got around that Piggy and Tazzy were visiting as the streets were pretty much deserted. Only tourists remained. And most of those were stupid Americans gawping at the castle.
After a very quick tour (well, it was late on Sunday afternoon so most places were shut) we headed to Mambo Jambo's, one of my favourite restaurants, for a meal. Thankfully, they both behaved themselves so I'll be able to go back and eat there again without resorting to some elaborate disguise.

After the meal, we went home to freshen up before heading out to Norwich's premier gay pub/club: The Castle. In this instance, premier means 'the only one', unless you count the Catherine Wheel. But that's just a small pub and it's not exclusively gay. I hoped beyond hope that Piggy's renowned rudeness would offend a ginormous lesbian who'd pulverise him, enabling me to make my escape home, leaving him to it. Sadly, the monster he dubbed Bully Beef because of her frightful hair, didn't hear his insults and he left the Castle in one piece.

Before I end this post at the end of the first day of Piggy & Tazzy's visit, I think I may have an explanation as to Piggy's tiny nipples. While at the bar in the Castle, the two of them began squabbling. Started by Piggy, of course. Anyway, nipple tweaking ensued (I did not get involved in it, I'm happy to say), but because of Tazzy's greater strength and normal-sized hands (relative to Piggy's elfin trotters), he was the victor, as he is every time I would imagine. So, it's no wonder Piggy's nipples are little more than nubbins now!

Oh, I did take a few pictures, but I'm still working out how to resize & rotate them, so I'll add them later or tomorrow. Hopefully before I post part two.

22 comments:

  1. I imagine all your entrances and exits are via the back door.

    Did they leave stains inside Car?

    Why aren’t there pics of you in The Castle’s gallery?

    Thank you for explaining Piggy’s ridiculously miniscule nipples. It’s all clear now although I still feel that genetics must enter into somehow and I doubt his nipples and stature are the only things tiny about him, don’t you?

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  2. Well MJ, a good witch never uses the front entrance.

    Car is still quivering in horror - it hasn't learned to block out memories yet. Luckily, I had the foresight to scotchguard the interior and cover the seats with plastic sheets.

    You must've seen the horrors that lurk within the Castle - There's no way I'd allow a photo of myself to be put up amongst that lot. People might think I know them!

    I think the less we dwell on Piggy's 'tiny bits' the better.

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  3. First off, why would there be Americans in Norwich? Really...

    Secondly MJ can help you out with the photo thing. That's how easy it is. She taught me how to do it. I think I still have the email if you are interested.

    Word verification: aisjpg

    if that's not a hint for you to get cracking, I don't know what is

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  4. CyberPetra: Americans come to Norwich for the history, esp. the castle (big Norman building, rather than the gay pub). I've updated the post accordingly, although not with one of my own pictures.
    I used to be able to edit photos really easily with the software on the old Demon Box, but I'm still getting used to this new Panasonic stuff that came with the camera.
    I might be that I haven't downloaded it all onto the PC...

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  5. I have an idea.

    Try Photoshopping big nipples onto Piggy.

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  6. All the better for Tazzy to tweak them.

    At the risk of sounding like a tourist - that castle is very pretty.

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  7. For the history?

    *YAWN*

    It's just adding them in the blog post, you don't have to resize them yourself, blogger does it all for you mate

    The ones I've done I've added straight - or well not so straight - from the SD card

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  8. MJ: Nipples the size of dinner plates!

    T-Bird: As long as you only glance at it nonchalently, no one will ever know you haven't seen it like a million times already.

    CyberPetra: I tried downloading straight from the SD card but the pictures are about 3MBs each! Blogger had a fit!!
    I've managed to successfully resize and reduce MB to KB, but the photos I took in portrait format come out landscape on Blogger despite them being rotated.
    I hate technology.

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  9. Not to argue with T-Bird, but that castle is rubbish. It's all square and boring. Castles are supposed to have ramparts (insert your own joke her) and drawbridges, not look like they were designed by a bored speichul.

    On the other hand, though, that restaurant looks great. I am confused by what would constitute a 'chicken finger' though.

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  10. So when you mention that Tazzy looked like neopolitan ice cream, what you are trying to tell us is that all you wanted to do at first sight was to lick him all over, giving your tongue a marvelous work-out?

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  11. This sounds like so much fun. I can't wait for part two! And pictures.

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  12. Tim said...
    Not to argue with T-Bird, but that castle is rubbish. It's all square and boring. Castles are supposed to have ramparts (insert your own joke her) and drawbridges, not look like they were designed by a bored speichul


    I. Can't. Believe. You. Disagreed. With. Me.

    So, no tittywanks for you then?

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  13. T-Bird, you knows I still loves ya!

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  14. Did they try and barge in your bedroom in the middle of the night!???!!!!!

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  15. CP, speaking for myself, I enjoy looking at historical buildings. Speaking of buildings, is that really a Norman Castle or a Borg Cube?!

    Smunty was on to something when he called them the TazPig Collective; resistance is futile!

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  16. *huff*

    I'm totally flouncing around now in my big rampart-less castle!

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  17. Tim: The castle is magnificent, I'll have you know. And it was designed by a Borg speichul, as Eros quite rightly points out.

    When you visit Norwich, I'll take you to Mambo Jambo's. Then you'll experience a 'chicken finger'...

    Snooze: Sshhhhh! Shhhhh! Piggy'll get jealous!

    Dinah: It was fun. However, I didn't take many pictures as I left my camera at home both times that we went out!

    T-Bird: The castle has a dungeon. We can imprison Tim there for his contrariness.

    And our pleasure.

    Frobi: If they did, they didn't find me. I was hanging upsidedown in the wardrobe having preempted them.

    Eros: Perhaps the Borg travelled back in time, as they are wont to do, assimilated Norman, and then he designed the castle?

    T-Bird: Flounce no more. The dungeons await!

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  18. You poor, POOR witch.

    Condolences.

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  19. I'm not poor, Rimmer. Just monetarily-challenged...

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  20. The nearest castle to me is Windsor castle, and quite frankly it shits all over that overgrown paper-weight.

    I was once in close proximity to Roy Castle…

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  21. That dungeon idea is getting better and better.

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  22. How dare you sully Roy Castle's good name with your proximity, Tim.
    And I bet my castle could beat up your castle any day!

    T-Bird: I have the manacles all prepared.

    And the feather duster.

    Mwah hah hah hah hah ha!

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