Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Perched side-saddle on Broom, I swooped out of the sky, narrowly avoiding the cherry tree's twiggy grasping clutches. Coming to a less than controlled landing on the lawn, I lurched forward in my haste to get into my house via the back door. If only I could reinforce the front door before it was staved in by the combined forces of the bestriped invasion force!
Tazzy, looking alarmingly like neapolitan ice-cream in his stripey top, had battered the door down but was evidently not wanting to be first inside my delightful abode. Piggy, wearing a Cheeky Monkey t-shirt (although Moaning Cunt would have been more apt), somehow managed to push Tazzy in, despite his miniscule frame. Once inside, they plumped themselves down and demanded tea.
Contrary to their side of the story, the tea most definitely was not Tesco Value tea. As most of you will know, I only shop in Sainsbury's (Waitrose and M&S if I'm feeling particularly flush), so the tea was Red Label. I don't know if it's good or not as I don't drink tea, despite being British. Well, the odd cup of Earl Grey now and again. And then only when I have my monocle on!
Wanting them out of the house as soon as possible, I suggested a tour of Norwich before tea (the meal, not the drink). Now, the city centre is only a twenty minute walk from my house, but Piggy & Tazzy were adamant that they weren't going to use their stumpy little legs needlessly. So, instead of walking, I had to beg and plead with Car to accept the two interlopers into its plush interior. I couldn't possibly take them into the city on Broom as the poor thing would never have got off the ground! Eventually, Car relented and we were on our way.
Five minutes later and we were in the city centre. Word must have got around that Piggy and Tazzy were visiting as the streets were pretty much deserted. Only tourists remained. And most of those were stupid Americans gawping at the castle.
After a very quick tour (well, it was late on Sunday afternoon so most places were shut) we headed to Mambo Jambo's, one of my favourite restaurants, for a meal. Thankfully, they both behaved themselves so I'll be able to go back and eat there again without resorting to some elaborate disguise.
After the meal, we went home to freshen up before heading out to Norwich's premier gay pub/club: The Castle. In this instance, premier means 'the only one', unless you count the Catherine Wheel. But that's just a small pub and it's not exclusively gay. I hoped beyond hope that Piggy's renowned rudeness would offend a ginormous lesbian who'd pulverise him, enabling me to make my escape home, leaving him to it. Sadly, the monster he dubbed Bully Beef because of her frightful hair, didn't hear his insults and he left the Castle in one piece.
Before I end this post at the end of the first day of Piggy & Tazzy's visit, I think I may have an explanation as to Piggy's tiny nipples. While at the bar in the Castle, the two of them began squabbling. Started by Piggy, of course. Anyway, nipple tweaking ensued (I did not get involved in it, I'm happy to say), but because of Tazzy's greater strength and normal-sized hands (relative to Piggy's elfin trotters), he was the victor, as he is every time I would imagine. So, it's no wonder Piggy's nipples are little more than nubbins now!
Oh, I did take a few pictures, but I'm still working out how to resize & rotate them, so I'll add them later or tomorrow. Hopefully before I post part two.