Sunday 30 January 2011

Star Trek: Voyages That Never Were

Over the weekend, for reasons so long and complex I shan't bother to go into them here, I spent rather a lot of time thinking about the past. This ultimately led to me sitting on the floor on Sunday Saturday afternoon, ro
uoting through a load of old folders when I would've actually preferred to be doing something more productive like reading a book or taking a nap; I'm right into taking naps at the weekend these days-
Wait, wait, wait. You can't go through Tim's old post crossing out the bad spelling and the bits not relevant to you. Just get on with telling it your own way!
Thank you, Witchface! * tut * Anyway, so there I was, searching through some dusty old folders. I was actually looking for something specific, and after a while I foun-
What did I just say!?
Oh, ALL RIGHT! Jeez...

Anyway, I'm not sure who this post is going to appeal to - with the exception of Tim (possibly) - but, I found these:

I can't remember when I painted these. I know it was years ago, though. The image on the left was my interpretation of a post Next Generation Starfleet environmental suit, and the one on the right is of a utility suit. If memory serves, I'd traced a couple of models from aftershave/eau de toilette ads in a magazine, then drawn on the suits, transferred them onto (cheap) black paper and painted them with acrylic, or possibly gouache, but probably acrylic? Then I used a very fine permanent marker for the detail.

Here are the original sketches & notes, including a standard duty uniform, which really looks like a pair of pyjamas. Perhaps that's why I never painted it?

These are concept sketches of future versions of the rank insignia from The Original Series movie era (excluding The Motion Picture). Either that or alternate universe variants? Now that I've mentioned it, I remember devising a timeline of events which could have happened if the transwarp drive of the USS Excelsior had actually worked (and Torias Dax had not died in the transwarp drive test shuttle). I'll try and find it for a later post in this series.

Finally, here is a future - or alternate universe - version of the Starfleet insignia/communicator.
Oh, and a semi-naked (obviously couldn't be bothered to draw any pants!), devilish-looking crew member modelling it (traced from a magazine again). And, no, I don't know what that strange wing-looking thing on the right is. Maybe it's a wing?

So, that's that, is it? Aren't you going to explain to our readers why you created these concepts and designs?
I see. Then I will. The Host slaved over these creations because he was sad and lone-
OK! I'll explain. Years ago, when I was single, somewhat depressed and disallusioned with the really-quite-crappy real world, the Star Trek Universe was where I escaped to. Either through watching it on TV/DVD or reading about it, both the fictional novels and the factual reference books. Anyway, my imagination was always running away with me, so I started to elaborate on the established Star Trek canon and continuity. I'd get lost for hours extrapolating stories and technology treknology from snippets of information gleaned from the filmed or written adventures as these sketches show.
Eventually, I snapped out of it because I somehow acquired a life, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, and no longer had the time to indulge in the fantasy.

Very occasionally, however, when I find myself cross with the world-at-large and at a loss for something to do , I sometimes briefly revert to that time and let my mind wander in the Star Trek Universe.

Or doodle cartoons...

Continued in... Star Trek: The Voyages That Never Were II

Friday 28 January 2011

What the Wicked Witch Watched and Other Whimsies

This is the first of a new series of monthly updates that replaces my old Star Selections and also the book posts. I plan to use these to help compose the Coven Awards, as I never remember what I've watched during the year when I scrabble around on the 29th December desperately putting together a years worth of crap!

I was going to post this in a couple of days, but Tim's disgust at my little pun in the last post has made me want to move on. Quickly.

So, anyway, here's the post proper:

I probably won't create a magazine cover every month like this one. I only did this because I was inspired by Ask The Cool Cookie's handiwork, after MJ pointed out his other blog recently.
They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so, I'm sorry for this travesty, Cookie! It's no imitation at all - Not a convincing one, anyway - but, still, I hope you're flattered, all the same.

For those that have even the slightest interest, here are some links to my month's viewings, readables and audible pleasures - The ones worth blogging about, anyway:

TV - Being Human, Episodes*, No Ordinary family, Primeval
Books - Star Trek Typhon Pact: Zero Sum Game, by David Mack, USS Enterprise Owners' Workshop Manual, from Haynes
Music - Blade Runner Trilogy, 25th Anniversary, by Vangelis

* Not actually sci-fi, but I'm watching it all the same.

Wednesday 26 January 2011

When the chips are doom...

"What on Earth are you wearing under that mac?" I asked Lady Gaga superfan, reformed emo and vegetarian, Translucy, after spying what appeared to be tortilla chips all down his front between the fastenings.
"What, this?" he replied, opening the mac and displaying a corset fashioned from Doritos.
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhhhh!" I yelled. "It's the invasion of the bodice nachos!"

Translucy didn't appear to be amused.

Monday 24 January 2011

A rose by any other name...

Well, luckily, this rose is actually named Roses! And, yes, she does smell as sweet.
How do I know this? Why, let me tell you a story...

It was a Sunday afternoon. Yesterday, in fact. I had decided to pop into the city to purchase a present for SP - It's his birthday on 6th Feb, you see. However, knowing the parking is horrendous, I decided to take a chance and risk flying in on Broom in the hope that I could land surreptitiously somewhere and disguise my ride as a dead bush, or something.
I should have known it would never be that simple...

Everything was going swimmingly - or flyingly - until I neared the Lanes. There was sufficient low altitude cloud cover to obscure me from the commoners below, and enough chimneys and other rooftop furniture to allow me to descend into a back alley without being seen.
What I hadn't counted on was a flock of roosting pigeons being startled into flight by the sudden strident tones of a, frankly rubbish, busker.

Broom's bristles were soon overcome by the battering of desperately ascending pigeons, as was I. I must've looked like Tippi Hedren from The Birds except not on a boat. Anyway, Broom gave up the ghost and started a headlong plummet, luckily, straight into a deserted Old Post Office Yard which is right next to Frank's Bar. Unluckily, there was someone right where I hadn't intended to land.

"Ow!" she said as I clonked her on the elbow with Broom as I swerved at the last minute.
"Oof!" I said after hitting the trellis in the courtyard.
"What the Hell?!" she exclaimed, advancing on me while rubbing her elbow.
"I'm terribly sorry" I began in way of apology. "I didn't- Roses? Is that you!?"
It seemed I had the luck (she obviously didn't) to nearly land on Norwich's only other Infomaniac Bitch - Someone for whom I wouldn't have to make up a ridiculously convoluted story about why I hit her with a broomstick. Yay! I'd clobbered someone I knew!

Anyway, we found ourselves in Frank's Bar enjoying coffee, bread and cakes as we whiled away the afternoon and got to know each other. Look, here we are smiling and everything*:

Roses really is as beautiful as her name. And she's generous - She bought me coffee and cake, even after I almost squashed her!
It's my turn to buy next time, though.

You can read all about Roses version of events - scurrilous lies, the lot of it - here.

* Well, Roses is smiling. I think I'm muttering or something. Why I didn't stop when I took the photo I don't know!

Friday 21 January 2011

Bea Newman*

* claps hands like a speshul a la Tim *

Being Human's third series starts on Sunday, people. ON SUNDAY!

* No, I don't know who she is, either.

Tuesday 18 January 2011

MJ? Is that you?

Isn't the likeness uncanny?

[Discovered here]

No, not the beard, the crop wielding lesbo.

Saturday 15 January 2011

While the cat's away...

I was only away for a few days, but it seems SP's greedy eyes latched on to new prey within hours of my departure.

Remember Gathiir (scroll down to Thursday)? Well, it turns out that he's friends with our neighbour's son, Matt (not his real name, I'm protecting his privacy - and he's not this neighbour's son, he's from the other side and far too young), and also his friends Tarquast (an incubus), Jastreed, Thomjir (both of centaur stock*) and Gary (human, I believe). Now, SP's always had a 'thing' for Matt, but seeing him, Gathiir and their friends has mutated the 'thing' into a raging monster!

Every time male voices are heard from next door's front garden, or a car full of nubile young flesh pulls up, SP is at the window faster than Hilda Ogden at her nets after finding out Mavis Riley had not one but two men on the go at once!

I don't know if Matt and Gary know that Gathiir, Tarquast, Jastreed and Thomjir are not exactly normal. I mean, I know they know that we're not - Well, they know SP & I turned to the Pink Side long, long ago, but I don't think they suspect the witch and incubus bits. Although, Matt appears to have some latent ability, so maybe he's an emerging warlock? My crystal balls often pulsate when he's around, so, maybe?
I think the only reasons that SP hasn't initiated anything are that a) he knows Tarquast and the they don't exactly see eye to eye, b) he's too lazy, and c) the age difference. We are - well, our physical bodies are - nearly twice these young mens ages. I'd like to say SP wouldn't do anything with them anyway due to his love and respect for me, but his loins rule his heart (he is an incubus himself, after all). Luckily, his laziness/lethargy rule all!

I know I should mind, but all his voyeuring gives me time to stalk Tim blog.

* See here. The third & fourth paragraphs down.

Sunday 9 January 2011


* ring ring *

* ring ring *

* ring ring *

* ring ri- *

"Mmmph... What?"
"psssbtzt drzszpt sspszzt!" It was my sister, Inexcuseable.
"What? She did what?"
"shzzzbt zzp trssspzbzt dszcbl sbt hsssz." Apparently, something happened to our sister Indescribable.
"A House? When?"
"thpbbt zsspbbsz zzbt ffsspt fss!" Oh. Shit.
"I'll be there as soon as I can. 'Bye" and I hung up.

It appears that a dastardly Kansas girl turned witch-finder, who uses her tornado-creating ability to crush witches with houses and other large objects, has nobbled our sister. This... This creature goes by the nom de guerre Gale-Force.

Indescribable, who usually looks like Quentin Blake's version of Roald Dahl's Grand High Witch, only not so 2-dimensional, now looks almost exactly like her.
Luckily, she's pretty robust and managed to shrug off Gale-Force's attack, but she's understandably livid, so Inexcuseable and I are going to meet up with her to plan a strategic retaliation.
With that being the case, I may not be around much during the next few days, so just carry on without me. I'll pop in and out whenever there's a break in our war-games.

Saturday 8 January 2011


SP got me this for Christmas:

Yes, that's me modelling it - My head's in the washing machine

However, just because I am one, doesn't mean I like witches, never mind love them (The Coven notwithstanding, of course). However, it is a lovely T-shirt and probably my favourite Christmas present.

The only thing is, it's still too cold to go out just wearing a T-shirt, so I've been looking for something suitable to wear over it. Eventually, I found this:

There's even a matching bag. Although, I doubt if it's as capacious as Poppins'.

Thursday 6 January 2011

Lazier than a thousand Lazies

Because I can't be doing with all this squabbling about loofahs/body mops/nylon-netting-shower-pom-pom-on-a-string-thingamies, I give you this:

A Moom in her natural habitat

Hopefully, the waves of lazy relaxation that this Moom is emanating will bring calm and peace to you all, thereby allowing me to sort out some sort of prize/s.

But, beware! Don't stare too long, or Moom's hypnotic somnolent stare will take you under!

Wednesday 5 January 2011

Sifting through the remains

Yes, it's time to sift through the aftermath of the Barbara Cartland explosion and reveal the winner of Saturday's Items of Interest competition.

First, here's a list of what it wasn't:

A Barbara Cartland Hairnet®, as put forth by xl.
Angora throw? Plastic troll's hair? Mesh hair roller? The ever despairing guesses of Savannah.
A lovely new merkin. Yes, thank you, Princess.
A pair of your power fishnet stockings, and
The collar of your bathrobe/dressing gown, suggested by 'Petra.
It's your inner ear! Um, no, Tim.
Has Babs been eating Ma Beasties chick pea curry again? No, no she's had her rug dyed to match the curtains.. Another delightful 'guess' by Princess.
It's my scrunched up negligee...
...or it might be chicken wire for some very glamorous chickens?
On this occasion, Miss Scarlet, it's neither.
Neither is it Moom's blankie, Snooze.
Nor is it inside a furnace filter or the neural network of cotton candy, Tara.
Your colon after a particularly effective colonic irrigation? Back for another try eh, Tim? You needn't've wasted your pretty little brain...
And, finally: Is it the debris left after Barbara exploded? A pile of pretty pink ashes, another 'guess' from Princess.

So, here is what it actually is:

SP's, sadly broken, "nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamie".

And the winner is, with the first correct guess of: 
It's your loofah and frankly, it disgusts me to think where it's been, MJ
Congratulations! And I shall ignore your disgust because, as the photo caption states, it's SP's, not mine.

* pokes tongue out in defiance *

I shall have a prize of some description mailed out to you within the week.

The venerable runners up are:  

I think it might be one of those "nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamies" that old grannys make for their fundraising stalls. Just lather it up and your away (Princess),  
I know I know! Well, MJ actually got it pegged with the loofa ('Petra),  
It's one of those things!!! Erm... a body mop! Makes everything extra foamy... (Miss Scarlet),  
It does look like those loofah bath scrub/cloths or a special dishwashing scrub--I've one of those for cleaning nonstick pans! (Eros).

Thank you all for taking part, and jolly well done! Splendid show etc, etc.

Right, better be off - I do have other things to do besides blogging, you know!

Saturday 1 January 2011

Items of Interest: The explosion of Barbara Cartland

Ah, welcome to 2011. And the first post of this new year brings back my mildly successful Items of Interest theme.

For those of you who are new to this, or have forgotten what to do seeing as it's been just over a year since the last Items of Interest post, the rules are as follows:
Just guess what this particular photo is of and, if you're very lucky, win a prize (yet to be determined). When I say 'this photo', I don't mean the one on the left here as that's the logo image. No. The photo is the big pink one below.

As always, the photo is of something currently within Castle DeVice, so start your guessing. And if you really have no idea, just come up with something preposterous. You never know, you might get a prize for originality.

Don't bank on it, though.

Oh, and for those of you who haven't visited in a few days are bored and have nothing to entertain you, please see the previous post which is my end of year review. It contains lots of links and videos that should keep you out of mischief for a little while at least.

Good luck!