Wednesday 31 December 2008

2008 in review

This year's ceremony will be rather rushed due to lack of time. Most of it is rushing away through the hole that Continuity Girl obviously bodged when attempting to repair it. Still, I'll make a quick start on what's happened here at Castle DeVice throughout 2008, beginning with the first three months of the year, then the Host will take over for the actual awards. Here we go:

January: French & Saunders go to the movies; A Jake Gyllenhaal interlude; MJ temporarily closed (not her legs or her gob); Six quirks were disclosed.

February: Beaky prepares for 'relations'; Snaps were given at a rubbish award ceremony; Valentines day was spent over the Cusp with Timothy Scissorhands; Chocolate snot; A miserable meme; Broom was temporarily replaced with a Poppins-a-like umbrella; Earthquake!

March: Juno at the cinema; A very disappointing Flash; Rear window jungle; Royal status confirmed; The beginning of Books; Visiting Cybertron; Sleeping Beauty over the Cusp.

The nominees for the most engaging film are: Cloverfield, Juno, Iron Man, X-Files: I Want To Believe and Wall-E. I'm giving this award to Cloverfield as it really drew me in. The shaky, hand-held camera work, the fleeting glimpses of the monster, the sense of fear and panic - All these things really made me believe I was there in New York as the monster went on the rampage.

Oh dear. These films really did nothing for me: Alien vs Predator: Requiem, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, The Dark Knight. AvP:R started off promisingly with an annoying kid getting impregnated by a face-hugger, but it all went downhill from there. Still, it was good for a laugh. However, the most disappointing film was The Dark Knight. I found it too dark and bleak with a convoluted plot and not enough of Arron Eckhart ( * ahhhhh * ) as Two-Face. Plus, what was with Batman's ridiculous voice?

My favourite TV show out of the few I've watched this year: Heroes, Grey's Anatomy, Pushing Daisies, Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty, goes to Pushing Daisies. It was a refreshing, funny, sweet and stylish show. Such a shame that the first season was cut short by the writers strike and that it has now been cancelled after the second season. I'm hoping that creator/producer Bryan Fuller is able to make a movie to resolve the plotlines.

April: A personal Q&A; Choosing a new Demon Box; April update after Demon Box traumas.

May: Invasion by the bestriped Yorkshire Poofs; A books read update; 'Five things' meme; Little cakes; Beakzilla!

June: The Frog Prince - Over The Cusp for T-Bird's birthday; Movie meme; A service for Broom.

My favourite book contenders are: Star Trek: Destiny series by David Mack, Star Trek Terok Nor series by James Swallow and S. D. Perry & Britta Dennison, and MODE - The Ugly Betty book by Ann Donahue. I have read an awful lot of Star Trek books this year, so it's no surprise to see that they form the majority of this catagory. The Ugly Betty book is a last minute entry from Christmas, but isn't good enough to see off the winner: The Star Trek Terok Nor series. I wanted Destiny to win, but I haven't received, never mind read, the final book yet.

I've only bought two albums (that I can remember) this year, so it makes choosing my favourite a lot easier. Between Seventh Tree by Goldfrapp and Out of Control by Girls Aloud, Seventh Tree gets it. It has a beautiful, modern folk-esque sound which I think will endure longer than Girls Aloud's sophisticated and feisty pop.

The best rediscoveries this year include: Hue & Cry and The Eels, both found on YouTube, and Most Haunted - with the spectacularly crap-haired Yvette Fielding - as reintroduced to me by SP. Hue & Cry have to be my favourites because I bought their 'best of' album.

July: Office dares; 400th post - A postcard from MJ; Growing dragons; More books read updates; Norwich - An actual city; The infamous orange T-Shirt.

August: Gorgeous gingers; Hot older men; Shopping with The Wiggler; How many Civil Servants does it take to answer a phone?; A week at the cinema; Have you seen this Blackbird?; A certain librarian's birthday over The Cusp; Male synchronised swimming.

September: Coven origins; Attack of the giant spider; TV as watched by IDV; Heavenly music; Another book update.

This was going to be the Sexiest Actor category, but Eric Dane would have won (again) easily, so I changed it to Most fanciable Male. The nominees are: Eric Dane (Dr Mark "McSteamy" Sloan in Grey's Anatomy), Zachary Quinto (Gabriel "Sylar" Grey in Heroes), Lee Pace (Ned the Pie Maker in Pushing Daisies) and Robert Downey Jr. (Tony Stark, aka Iron Man). As you have probably guessed, the winner isn't Eric Dane, but Lee Pace!

Best actress nominees are: Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully in X-Files), Jennifer Garner (Vanessa Loring in Juno), Anna Friel (Charlotte "Chuck" Charles in Pushing Daisies) and Chandra Wilson (Dr. Miranda Bailey in Grey's Anatomy). The winner - just pipping Gillain Anderson to the top spot - is Chandra Wilson for her feisty, commanding, yet sensitive, turn as Dr. Bailey in Grey's Anatomy.

October: Tour of Castle DeVice; How the witch became; Wonky-mouthed Beaky; Items of Interest; Margaret 2.0 - The cheeseplant from Hell.

November: The Princess and the Pee; Top Secret Tim - Dreamy in Speedos; 6 weird thing6; Mrs Beaky - The pest of a thousand decibels; Attack of the Smug Marrieds.

December: Explanation of the Sex Pest; Piloting with Goldfrapp; Elephants and a Phoenix; Introducing Audrey; Final book update.

The Hottest Sci-Figure for the third year running is Connor Trinneer (He's still appearing in crappy old Stargate: Atlantis as Michael Kenmore. I haven't watched it, but I don't need to - I know what he looks like)!

And that's it for another year! I hope you all enjoyed it? I've certainly had fun poking around your blogs this year, even if, for the past two months, my new status as a Smug Married hasn't enabled me to visit or comment as often as I used to. I'm sure this will wear off soon, and things will be back to normal in 2009.

Happy new year everyone! See you in 2009.

Monday 29 December 2008


I thought I'd better post one last book-themed entry now that the year is nearly out. Up until September, I'd managed to read a paltry 17.5 books this year.

I haven't really got a great deal to add, and I certainly can't be arsed to write proper reviews (not that any of the previous reviews were in any way 'proper'). Instead, you can just read the links if you're really that interested. So, on with the show:

18 - Fearful Symmetry, by Olivia Woods.

This book is a flip-book: The first half deals with part of Kira Nerys's life, and the second half - for which one has to flip the book over and start from the back cover as if it's the front - deals with her alien double's during the same time frame. It was supposed to be released last year but was delayed until spring of this year, then delayed again until summer. The UK was supposed to get it in August or September, but I didn't manage to get hold of a copy until October! During the final delay, I'd read some reviews that praised the first half but weren't so keen on the second. If memory serves, most reviewers mentioned that Iliana's story was rushed compared to Kira's. I'd like to report that I found the second half far more interesting than the first - Not that Kira's story was dull. Far from it. It's just that I'm already familiar with Kira's life from watching Deep Space Nine, so her Cardassian doppelganger's story was all new and thoroughly engaging. However, I do think it could have done with being a little more detailed, but that's the price one pays for having only half a book dedicated to each story.

19 - Gods of Night, the first Star Trek: Destiny novel by David Mack.

David Mack is my favourite Star Trek author which is the primary reason why I bought this book (and the following two in the trilogy). You see, the Destiny series also features the Borg - A vastly overused and, up until now, unconvincing foe for the Federation Starfleet and our heroes aboard the Enterprise-E. Luckily, the author has turned the Borg into the almost unstoppable threat that they once were in The Next Generation episode "Q Who." The second (and only other) reason for this purchase, was my curiosity about Ezri Dax's promotion to Captain of the USS Aventine. The last time we heard about her was 'back' in 2378 when she was second officer of Deep Space Nine, under Captain Kira and Commander Vaughn. The Destiny series is set three years later in 2381, bringing DS9 up to the same time frame as the TNG and Voyager novels.

20 - Mere Mortals, the second of the Destiny trilogy by David Mack.

Oh. My. Gods! The Borg are pant-shittingly terrifying. I've never been so caught up in narrative before that has made me so apprehensive and nervous. I simply can't imagine how Starfleet and the other races are going to survive following the cliffhanger ending.
I can barely wait for the final book to be delivered early next month.

21 - Mode, by Ann Donahue.

After the horror of the Borg, this magazine-like book (a Christmas present from SP) that accompanies the Ugly Betty TV series is a refreshing bit of fluff. It's packed with information about the show, the characters, quotes and more. Highly entertaining and a recommended read for Ugly Betty fans.

.5 - Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Watterson.

I've just begun re-reading the entire comic strip again, starting with the first collection. The reason for this is that SP hadn't heard of Calvin & Hobbes, so I thought I'd introduce him to it, but what actually happened was that he couldn't tear himself away from the TV, so I started reading it out of boredom (he was watching something crap). I've only read half of this book so far, but at least it means I can add it to the half of Marshmallows For Breakfast that I read earlier in the year making a whole book.
So, I've managed to read the tidy sum of 22 books in 2008, which is much better than the few I managed in 2007.

And that's your lot. I'm going to have a quick skid around Blogland before dinner, to catch up with what you've all been doing, seeing as I haven't been around for the past week or so. Hopefully, I'll have time to compose the annual 'Coven Awards' review for the 31st, but don't hold your collective breaths.

Um... Happy new year just in case I don't get back here before January.

Monday 22 December 2008


I shall be elsewhere for Crimbleene, probably over the Cusp, so I shall have to tell you all about it when I return. Presuming I'm able to return, that is.

I'm sorry I haven't had time to get around to everyone's blogs lately - I may be able to squeeze in a quick lurk here and there before the 25th, but don't count on a witty, topical comment. So, for those who do: Merry Christmas! For those who don't: Bah! Humbug! And for those who have yet to make up their minds: Meh.

For anyone who is confused by the leopard print swimsuit, I shall direct you to MJ's. Please click here and scroll down.

Friday 19 December 2008

An unexpected 'guest'

I've been trying to keep Witchface from SP - diverting all my mental energies to keep IDV and the SubCs under wraps. After all, I don't want to scare him off. However, a heretofor supressed SubC has come to the fore, taking advantage of my distraction.

Her name is Audrey.

She's a frightful snob and almost everything makes her pull a face. I can only describe her as a cross between Hyacinth Bucket and Margo Leadbetter. SP knows when she's about to make an appearance because I, the Host, become silent and a faint sneer appears. Audrey materialises in sneer-form first which lets SP know to change his behaviour.
For instance, last night, SP came home late* from a work party.

* cue wobbly soap opera-style flashback *

"Hello, my boyfriend" I greeted him.

"Aah, hello, my boyfriend.** Sorry I'm an hour or so late."

"Don't worry. I'm just pleased you had a great time - I really thought you'd be bored senseless after last night's work do."

"Not at all. The clients are so much more fun than the stupid work colleagues. I'm so hungry - I had to stop off on the way home and get some food."
Involuntarily, my hand reached out for the bag and pulled out a frozen pizza and a massive bag of chilli Doritos.
"Don't look at the ingredients!" SP almost shouted in a panic. But it was too late. I had been silenced and Audrey's sneer had arrived, followed by a gasp of horror.

"You can't eat these! The ingredients reads like a who's who of the periodic table, plus all their offspring and incestuous cousins." Audrey was aghast. Even more so when she clocked the E-numbers. "And look at those Es, SP - There're enough to supply an illegal rave!" At that, she promptly pulled out a doily, placed it on a chair and sat down, fanning herself.

* wobbly flashback wobbles out of existance *

I hope she's not planning on staying.

* We're not living together. Yet. I was looking after his dog.
** Feel free to vomit.

Monday 15 December 2008

Hot chocolate

Remember that phoenix egg I acquired a while back? And those tiny hot-footed elephants?

No. Neither did I until this morning. I'd gone outside to put some sultanas out for poor Beaky, not realising that I'd left the back door open. It seems the elephants - who'd set up a little colony amongst my plant pots - decided that this was their chance to get inside and hibernate in the warm.
I got back inside and discovered them kicking the phoenix egg around with their red-hot little feet. They'd found the egg in the nook by the radiator in the dining room, obviously deciding that the nook was where they were going to hibernate, and were attempting to kick it out of their way. The egg was covered with lots of hot little footprints and was glowing quite brightly.
Before I could stop them, there was an ominous cracking sound and a flash of light.


Drat. There go my eyebrows again. And half the dining room.

Now I have a massive, charred and blackened hole in the wall with a pool of molten radiator beneath it. To top it all off, somewhat more worryingly, the newly hatched phoenix flew off towards the gasworks at the end of the road. So, if you don't hear from me in a little while, it'll be because half of Norwich has been blasted off the face of the planet! On the plus side, I didn't have to make any sandwiches to take to work - I had crispy fried elephant.

- - -

And now for a Tim-style aside. Although, it's more like an end*...

For the last couple of days, I've had Kylie's Chocolate floating around my brain. I blame CyberPetra. You know how I like to share, so, here it is for your delectation:

* Not his end, unfortunately...

Thursday 11 December 2008


The other day, I was playing a game of Word Twist on Face Book and listening to a bit of Goldfrapp, when something caught my ear. A kind of clucking, chirping noise sounded regularly between the phrases of Ride A White Horse. I thought my ancient CD player had finally given up the ghost (I'm desperately waiting for it to break so I can get a new one), but then I realised that the sound wasn't coming from the stereo, but from somewhere else. It almost sounded like it was outside the back door. 

I heaved myself off my arse, switched off the stereo and had a look out of the dining room window. There below me, perched on the path facing the back door, was Beaky. It was him chirping away plaintively, knowing I was in having seen the light on.  

I'd already chopped up some sultanas and half unlocked the back door before I realised what I was doing. Beaky obviously had me in some kind of thrall using his insidious mind powers. Ah, well, I thought, I was up now. So I opened the door and dropped the dried fruit just outside in front of the diabolical bird. He started pecking up the succulent morsels as soon as they hit the ground, but didn't get through half of them before he, and I, were rudely interrupted. 

Mrs Beaky came tearing up, screeching and wailing - If she had teeth, I'm sure she'd have been gnashing them. A small whirlwind of feathers, beaks and claws almost took out my ferns before Beaky departed, harried on by his shrill wife. She quickly scoffed the remaining sultanas, glared at me (I did my very best not to flinch), then tore off after him. 

Poor Beaky. I'm almost of the opinion that I should have let him in the house to be out of her reach...

Tuesday 9 December 2008

We're pilots

I want a coat like Alison Goldfrapp's.

That's all.

Oh, and the the gloves.

Friday 5 December 2008

Sex Pest

Yes, the initials SP stand for Sex Pest. I'm going out with a sex pest. But a very lovely and attentive one.

While no one guessed correctly, there were two entries that were close: Snooze's Sexual Predator, and W*P*D's Sex Pervert.

W*P*D also came up with the superhero Silver Penis - Think an anatomically correct Silver Surfer. And the less said about Snooze's Sweet Pussy guess, the better!

It seems the green-eyed monster took hold of Tim once he realised my attentions were directed elsewhere, as he came up with the preposterous and insulting Sian Phillips and Sarah (Jessica) Parker respectively. And also, the bizarre Sexual Harassment Panda from South Park. Thanks for that, Tim.

Eros had me wanting my pipes seeing to by his Scandinavian Plumber, and a special delivery from his Swarthy Postman.

And finally, T-Bird, darling T-Bird, left the peculiar, but highly entertaining, Sexual Potato.

Thank you to everyone who took time out of their hectic schedules to guess what SP stood for (with the possible exception of BEAST and his disgusting Suppurating Piles).
Snooze and W*P*D: If you email me your addresses, I'll find a suitable something and send it your way. If you'd prefer not to disclose your addresses, I'll try and create a post just for you. You can email me here: ixxcat at gmail dot com

Sunday 30 November 2008

Only a little bit back

Hello! I know I said I'd be back at the weekend. Well, actually, I said "I'll be back at the weekend, I hope." Note the "I hope." Anyway, I have five minutes to reveal what the last post's Item of Interest is. But first, some wrong 'uns: It's not my colon (Tim - Ha. Oh, hang on, here comes another one: Ha.), or my epidermis as a result of wearing too much orange (MJ - I'm clutching my sides), or, in fact, the brain of a lava lamp (Tara - excellent suggestion).

In actual fact it's those red lights in the shape of what appears to be cubes ('Petra), all bunched up and plugged in (Ponita - Liking the new name), in a vase (W*P*D).

Yay for the winners!

Oh, as for the SP guessing - Snooze and W*P*D have come closest so far. Keep it up. I'll reveal what SP actually stands for next week.

I hope you've all had (or are having) splendid weekends.

Thursday 27 November 2008

Items of Interest: Oh, bugger off, The Police

Ah, here we are again with the third in my Items of Interest series.

As you have probably guessed by now, I have shit all else to post about, or I have, but have no time to do it.

Anyway, best get on with it as I have things to do.

By the way, I haven't ignored all those who left suggestions at what SP stands for (see the last post). Keep guessing, and whomsoever guesses correctly - or the closest - may win a prize (yet to be determined).

Bye! I'll be back at the weekend, I hope.

Thursday 20 November 2008

The Pest of a Thousand Decibels

I may owe Beaky an apology.  

Now, before you all gasp your last breaths and cast me out as a collaborator, let me explain: In the past, I may have suggested that Beaky deliberately screeched to high heaven outside my bedroom window of a morning, waking me rudely from my slumber. I may even have utilised such phrases as "Irritating little shit" and "Pest of a thousand decibels" to describe him.  

However, imagine my surprise when leaving the house (by the back door, naturally) particularly early one morning last week, when I discovered that Beaky wasn't the culprit.

I was walking down the path, chopped sultanas in hand (Ummm... to give to the other birds. Not Beaky.), when, from over the garage roof came the telltale and terrible shriek of a blackbird - Although, it could quite easily have been from a banshee. I instinctively ducked as a dark winged form hurtled towards my head. It landed in the remains of the infernal cherry tree and screeched in defiance as I turned and hissed at it, thinking it was Beaky. Then I noticed who I was hissing at: Mrs Beaky!  

I dropped the sultanas in shock, staring incredulously. She dove down and started wolfing down the suculent dried fruit, glaring at me the whole time. Backing up, I almost trod on Beaky who was cowering on the paysho near the rose bush. It seems he'd been skulking in the undergrowth waiting for his shrewish wife to have her fill before he could have a go at the leftovers. We both watched as the greedy cow scoffed the lot, before screeching once more and flying off over the road.  

Beaky looked at me forlornly. I

 couldn't resist his sad hen-pecked little face and promptly rushed back inside to fetch him some more sultanas. What's happened to me?

Tuesday 18 November 2008

Bitter Lemon

Despite being away for nearly a week, ErosWings still felt that I deserve the much coveted Lemonade Award, which, quite frankly, I have to agree with. I'm not so sure I should share it with 10 other Bloggers, but I didn't have much say in that decision. Ah, well...

1. Put the logo on your blog or post. There it is up there.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude. Oh, gods. Do I have to? I'm so lazy...

Ok, here we go:
T-Bird, Dinah, Tim, Dora (post-smugmarriedly), Spike, Snooze, Betty, WillowC, W*P*D and Skillz (wherever he is).

3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post. All right, all right!
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog. * sigh * I haven't got time - I want to get in the bath.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award. I've done it already!

~ ~ ~

On a different note, this Smug Married-ing doesn't half get in the way of Blogging. I promised myselves that, should this day ever come, The Blog would come first and the Boyfriend second.

Perhaps I should show him this blog? He's bound - as MJ put it - to run a mile, leaving me with time to spare. Something to consider...

Wednesday 12 November 2008

6ix more weird thing6

Darling 'Petra tagged me with thi6 meme here. I've done thi6 one before age6 ago here and here, but thi6 i6 a good opportunity to impart another 6ix weird fact6 about me/u6.

1. I'm hopele66 at 6ucking 6weet6. Really appalling. I can pop a Fox'6 Glacier Mint in my mouth and 20 minute6 later, it'6 6till there, barely di66olved, hiding under my tongue.

2. 6ometime6 when I'm walking through the office, I imagine I'm a 6hark 6wimming menacingly through the air to 6care my u6ele66 colleague6.

3. Occa6ionally, while on the verge of wakefulne66 in the morning, I unintentionally make the 6cary creaking noi6e that the gho6t boy from Ju On/The Grudge make6.

4. I dete6t 6limy food, but I will eat avocado, the 6limie6t of all unproce66ed food except for egg white (which I ab6olutely loathe).

5. Gold ring6*

6. I can't write - or type - the 19th letter of the alphabet today. I'm not entirely 6ure why?

There. That'6 that done. If anyone who ha6n't done it but want6 to, plea6e do.

* at lea6t 24 carat.

Monday 10 November 2008

Dreamy in Speedos

Now. Where is that file?

What have I done with it?
Oops! Wrong ones. Pretend you didn't see those.

Is it in here, I wonder?

No. Ah, well. I could stand to look at these a bit longer...

* sings along to the soon-to-be-a-hit Dreamy In Speedos *

Because heee's sooo
Dreamy in Speeedos.
He makes my heaaaart siiiinng
When he wears almost nothing.

Well, it's not in here.

It must be in this file, then.
Hmmmm... But where, though?

Hah hah ha! Metrosexual my eye - Tim really is soooo much further gone than Metrosexual. All that shopping, not to mention the uncontrollable jealousy if I so much as glance at anyone else. I'm sure Reeser, Kreuk and Stevens are just elaborate decoys.

Ah! Here's the data I was looking for...

Lawks! It's today!

Sparky Malarkey - Dreamy in Speedos, Jealousy and all 'Dreamy in Speedos' file photos
Eros Den - More jealousy
Skilleans - He misses me
And my good self - The Honeytrap and lyrics to 'Dreamy In Speedos'

Thursday 6 November 2008

The Prince(ss) and the Pee: Part Three

icking her heels up as she sat atop the specially prepared 20-mattress-deep bed in the guest room, the Queen Mother drained the last of the whisky from her bottle and, cackling, threw it down to the floor. The empty bottle narrowly missed the kitchen boy who'd been roped in to help put the princess's bed together. He flinched as it smashed to smithereens at his feet, then looked up, narrowing his eyes at the old baggage ten feet above him.

"Careful, MJ!" Prince Eros called up to her, using his pet name for her from when he was just a boy. He couldn't say 'Majesty', and so had shortened it. "You'd better get her down, Beast" he instructed, turning to the hapless kitchen boy. "Before she falls and either kills herself or one of us."

Beast sighed in resignation and moved towards the ladder leaned against the foot of the bed. Just then the bedroom door opened admitting the waiter who was carrying an enormous tray of exotic fruit and vegetables.

"You took your time, Mr Frobisher" Beast snidely remarked.

Before the waiter could answer, MJ screeched down from her lofty vantage point. "You were only supposed to fetch a pea! Where is it?"

"Well, your Majesty" the waiter began, "we don't have any peas. Monsieur Queynte's fastidiousness for the exotic has meant that all native fruit and vegetables have been stricken from the castle. Hence this selection of, er... Umm.." Frobisher withered under the Queen Mother's gaze.

"Get me down from here!" she shrieked.

Beast manoeuvred the ladder towards MJ's perch on the edge of the towering bed.

"Mind my bag!"

* pop *


Too late! The top of the ladder knocked into the Queen Mother's full colostomy bag, spectacularly bursting it. 70% proof piss flooded the bed, quickly soaking through the mattresses like Alien acid through deck-plates.
Displaying unusually quick thinking, Prince Eros scrambled up the ladder, secured MJ in a fireman's lift and slid down again as Beast and Frobisher started pushing the moist mattresses off the bed and out of the window, until they overtook the flood. The last, partially soaked, mattress was heaved out of the window by the two kitchen lackeys with a combined exhausted sigh.

"What will we do now?" Eros asked plaintively.

MJ hiccupped before answering. "I should think the three remaining mattresses will be fine. There's no way that princess is a proper princess. I don't even think she's a she!" She paused briefly to burp before continuing. "Put the pea under them and let's be done with this."

"We don't have a pea, remember?"

"Oh, yes" MJ looked confused. "What have we got?"

Frobisher held up the tray of exotic fruit. "These."

"OK, that'll do" MJ announced pointing at a banana.

Frobisher lifted the edge of the mattresses a little then shoved the banana underneath. Beast wandered over from the window and collapsed onto the bed. "Oh, I'm so exhausted" he whined as he lay on his back and snuggled down. "Ooh! This bed is very comfy."

"Get off there!" MJ yelled, waving a pineapple at Beast threateningly. He winced and slunk off the specially prepared bed. "Come on. Make that bed then let's go, Bitches. We'll find out the truth about Princess Petra in the morning."

~ ~ ~

Watching the scene below from their vantage point on a shelf were two stuffed toys, a puppy and a hippo.

When the humans had left the room, the hippo turned to the puppy and said "Can we anthropomorphise and gerrout of 'ere? It fookin' stinks of 'er piss."

"OK. Show's over now anyway" the puppy answered.

They both gritted their teeth and strained, becoming two almost human looking poofs sitting on the shelf. However, the puppy might have strained a little too much...

* thbbtpptbthbthpthbbbtppthbt *

"Fookin' 'ell!"

"Heh heh heh! Let's see how well this Princess Petra sleeps in that" the little man who was once a stuffed toy puppy grinned evilly.

The stripy man who was once a stuffed toy hippo tried not to gag as he jumped off the shelf and followed his companion out of the room. On their way down the stairs, they passed a very worse-for-wear young(ish) 'woman' just about wearing what once must have been a beautiful red dress. She was grasping an almost empty martini glass for dear life in her right hand. Her left was clutching the bannister as she made her unsteady ascent in dangerously high heels.

~ ~ ~

In the morning - Well, the early afternoon to be honest - the door to the guest bedroom was pushed open by the Queen Mother. Prince Eros waited outside as decorum dictated.

"Hello, dear" she said to the rousing Petra. "How did you sleep?"

"Oog... I didn't get a wink." Eros gasped in shock, then slapped his hand over his mouth to prevent anymore outbursts that might betray his position.

"What?" MJ demanded, a little too much horror evident in her voice. This drunken creature surely couldn't have felt a banana though one mattress, never mind three. It couldn't be a princess. It just couldn't. "Why ever couldn't you sleep?"

"Well" began Petra, rubbing his stubble and yawning, "it was the vile decor. I just couldn't sleep in such a badly decorated room!"

The end

You may well ask what became of Tim and the witches, suffice it to say that this story wasn't about them. Although, I'm sure we'll be catching up with young Timothy quite soon.

Only he won't be quite so young anymore...*

Mwah hah hah hah ha!

* Don't worry, Tim. I still would!

Tuesday 4 November 2008

The Prince(ss) and the Pee: Part Two

urprisingly, no one noticed as the huge mirror on the far side of the ballroom rippled slightly before three witches, in a delta formation, stepped out of the reflections and into the real world. Unsurprisingly, the witches were bickering.

"I can't believe you let him escape, Dinah" the witch on the right hissed, her long hair writhing.

"I only reversed the reflection to give him a hankie, T-Bird" the left witch hissed back. "His sniffing was driving me crazy. He must have caught a chill from being so... naked."

"Sssshhh!" I urged. "Timothy has had prior experience at escaping from our clutches, it's no surprise he managed to fool you."

"He did not fool me!" Dinah shot back, stamping her foot, frost radiating out across the wooden floor. "He just... Saw an opportunity."

The other party-goers had started to notice us. T-Bird surveyed the room quickly, assessing the situation. "We're drawing attention" she said. "Time to blend in." And with that, we seperated and faded into the background as we searched for our missing plaything.

~ ~ ~

The ballroom's main doors were opened by a couple of lackeys, revealing a young(ish) princess looking resplendant in a long blood-red dress. She was announced into the room by the butler.

"Prince-" the old butler hesitated slightly as he looked the young... woman up and down. With a raised eyebrow, he continued: "-ess Petra."

Petra grinned and sashayed into the crowd, heading directly for Prince Eros, who took 'her' proffered hand after 'she''d elbowed the gaggle of princess-wannabes aside.

"My lady" he greeted her, then paused as he noticed her not-so-dainty hand. Well, it wasn't so much not-dainty, as it was large. His ingrained chivalry kicked in before too much time passed, and he completed the action, kissing the princess's hand as 'she' giggled behind 'her' fluttering fan. "Have we met before?" he asked.

"Why, I do not believe so" Petra answered coyly, batting his eyelashes in a rather over-the-top way.

"Would you excuse me for just one moment" the prince asked and turned questioningly to the Queen Mother on the dais behind him. The Queen Mother narrowed her eyes at the newcomer. A seed of suspicion had germinated within her.

With the prince momentarily distracted, the dismissed princess-wannabes approached Petra with looks of seething jealousy slapped across their faces.

"I suppose you think you're All That" the lead girl hissed. "Well, you didn't even dress up. Or didn't you know it was fancy dress?"

"Of course I knew" Petra retorted.

"So, what part of the calendar have you come as, then?"

Suddenly, Petra had found his opportunity to be rid of these pesky Breeders. He smiled demurely and answered: "Why, I've come as The Time Of The Month!" Each and every one of the girls faces dropped. A collective "Eeewwww!" sounded before hands were clapped over mouths and the girls hurriedly ran off to the powder room. Petra was beside himself with glee - Now he had Eros all to himself.

~ ~ ~

In one of the castle's guest rooms, as the fancy dress ball was coming to an end, a bed was being prepared for the only remaining princess. The fact that Prince Eros thought there was something odd about the young woman, a feeling that he couldn't quite put his finger on, was neither here nor there. Nor was the fact that he didn't particularly want to put his finger - never mind anything else - upon her, either here, or there. After all, there were rules that had to be followed. If a ball was held for the Prince to find a bride, then the Prince had to find a bride, and that was that.

However, if the princess wasn't actually a princess, well, that was a different matter entirely!

To be continued...

Saturday 1 November 2008

The Prince(ss) and the Pee: Part One

long time ago, in a kingdom far, far away-

Oh, enough of the Star Wars crap - It won't make it any more interesting.

Yes. It's bad enough you couldn't get off your lazy arse and write this for Hallowe'en.

I had (and still have) Man Flu™!

That's as may be, but we all know Man Flu™ doesn't affect Gayers to the same degree as Breeder Men.

Yeah. Just get on with it.

Oh, be quiet!

* ahem *

ot so long ago - last night, in fact - a castle's kitchen was alive with bustle and swearing.

"Oh, forfucksakes! Get out there with that" the exasperated head chef hissed at the hapless waiter while pointing at a tray of complicated looking hors d'oeuvre.

"Yes, chef" mumbled the waiter.

"And you" the chef blasted, turning to face the flinching kitchen boy. "I want this place spotless when I come down to do dinner. I can feel one of my heads coming on, so you'll have to manage without me for an hour or so."

"Yes, chef."

"Don't fuck things up."

"Yes, chef" they both answered, trying not to cower too much.

When the highly strung and increasingly venomous chef had stormed out, they both sagged and turned to each other.

"Monsieur Queynte's in a right strop tonight. Did you break more dishes doing the washing up this morning, Beast?" the waiter accused.

"No!" the kitchen boy replied indignantly. "I thought you must've dropped yet another breakfast tray, Mr Frobisher?"

The two men glowered at each other through narrowed eyes before Frobisher flounced off with the hors d'oeuvre tray and Beast turned away with a sigh wondering where to begin in the untidy kitchen.

~ ~ ~

In the castle's grand ballroom, the fancy dress ball was in full swing. The guests were mingling, each dressed up according to their interpretation of the calendar theme. They made their way elegantly around the opulant ballroom, gliding from one group of gossiping party-goers to another, from the magnificent buffet tables to the dancefloor, and then on to the raised dais at the far end of the room to parade themselves before the royal family.
The crown prince, Eros, was surrounded by a gaggle of giggling girls. Not surprising really considering his costume. Or lack thereof. His fancy-dress consisted of a tiny pair of strawberry icecream-pink trunks and lashings of cream, chocolate sauce and icecream melting quickly over his tanned, muscular body.
At the other end of the room, the Willow Fairy, dressed as Wednesday Addams, and the court artist, dressed somewhat strangely, were talking.

"These hors d'oeuvres are quite delightful, don't you think?" the artist asked her companion.

"Um... Yes" was the somewhat distracted reply. "They're very... um... exotic. Look. I've been meaning to ask since you got here: Why are you dressed as a giant poo?"

The Poo coughed in shock. "I'm not a poo! I'm a date" she said, aghast. "You think I'm a poo?"

"Well... Yes."

"Oh my gods." The Date, nee Poo, was horrified. "Everyone else must think I'm a poo, too."

"I'm sure not everyone thinks that..." the Willow Fairy said attempting to console her. "Some might think you're a... a..." But before she could come up with a less insulting idea, the french doors behind them were flung open revealing a very handsome, but almost naked young man with a look of confused desperation in his eyes.

"Someone didn't get the revised invitation" the Willow Fairy whispered to the newly revealed Date before turning back to the, frankly stunning, man before them. Both pairs of eyes lowered involuntarily to the... Handkerchief, that was all that prevented the man from being indecent.

"The Greek Gods theme was cancelled" the Date said to him after she managed to look him in the face.

The man looked wildly around the room, then back at the Date. "Are you dressed as a poo?" he asked in confusion.

The Willow Fairy burst into peals of laughter as the Date sulked and the 'Greek God' disappeared into the crowded ballroom.

To be continued...