The Year with a Convenient Birthday at the End

 I'm sure it won't come as any surprise when I tell you that I've been somewhat slack with regards to blogging this year - both posting here, and reading all of yours.  And the Host hasn't been much better, either.

 Hey!

 Well, isn't it true?

 Yes.  I suppose so.  Except for June and November.

 Anyway, June and November aside, we've pretty much given up on our annual "Year of..." extravaganza, and instead focused on one very important award that always features towards the end of said extravaganza.  And that award is, the Most Inconvenient Birthday Award. 

 Only this year, it's the Most Convenient as it's saved us from exploding with frustration and exhaustion in an attempt to pack two or three days worth of work into just a couple of hours!

 And so, we'd like to present this golden, hazelnutty, chocolatey award to, none other than Savvy!

 

✮ ✮ ✮

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are on the move!

Yes, there is an update about the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts: 

 

Rimpy Rimpington, Official Historian and Commissioner of Clones, has put up a post with the news.  

 

He's also made an addition to The Continuing History of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts - which includes news of dear Princess!

 

If you're reading, Prinny, we hope you're well and that you may find time to pop in now and again.

The Year of Looking Glam Even Without Nail Varnish

 As you may have noticed, we haven't been around much this year.  Certainly not as much as I'd've liked, and not even as much as in last year's Lazy Baggagery!  So that means that our grasp on the year's happenings and your reportings thereof is weak at best.  Sorry.

 However, there was certainly enough memorable stuff (and things I'd thought to make a note of when they happened) to create this end-of-year extravaganza!

 Extravaganza?  That's pushing it, don't you think?

 Nah.  A sprinkle of glitter (thanks to Jon) will cover the cracks and gaping holes in this rather haphazard (as always) round up and turn it into the Event of the season!

 If you say so...  Shall we get on with it, then?

 Yes. Oh, hang on!  I've got to add a bit at the end about the return of the "Did I Win Yet?" Award/Quiz/Competition/Event/Festival thingy!

 Well, you'd better hurry because I'm launching this thing now.  Be ready with your Champagne flutes all you glamorous Blogorati!

 

 Oops!  Wrong signage.  Try this one:

 Strap in.  Here we go!

January

Quote : "My smut well has almost dried up." ~ What a way to start the year: The Very Mistress answering a question nobody asked.

Event : The 6th January was National Cuddle Up Day, apparently.  Although I'd want to cuddle up to those freckles EVERY day!  Adorable. 

 

 Thank you for bringing this auspicious occasion to our attention, Mr Tonking.

 

 

Art : Nouveau, of course.  I love the fantastical, soft intricacy of Art Nouveau, and don't indulge myself in it as often as I should.  Fortunately, Maddie popped up with a themed Mood Board this month which hit the spot.

 

Hot Totty : When it's cold outside, guests at the House of Borghese are offered furs with something hot inside. 

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Make America Great Again!

 Yes, the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are back! 

 

 The 29th winner, Janie Junebug, is holding the FGES Caption Competition RIGHT NOW!  So, why don't you pop over to her place and leave a witty/pithy/disgusting caption to be in with a chance of winning the detestable polyestables for yourself and joining the elite few whose nether regions have been where no one has wanted to go before!

A little tease of Janie's FGES photo

 And look!  The current FGES Travel Map:

 And, yes, I've informed Rimpy, the Official FGES Historian, so we may get an updated Continuing History of the FGES quite soon!

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

EDIT 21 December 2023 : Rimpy has only gone and won the FGES!!!  Congratulations, Rimpy!!

Mr Tonking, you had a very lucky escape!

Here's the updated FGES Travel Map (1st 2023 edition):

The Year of the Lazy Baggage*

* No.  Not that one this time.  It's IWeMeUs!

 That's right, We are the Lazy Baggage in question.  I'm sure you can't have failed to notice a glut of lazyitis in the vicinity of Hexenhäusli Device this year?  In fact, I'm so lazy that I can't even be bothered to come up with an excuse think of the reason for not actually blogging that much.  I'm sure there was one, though...

 As luck would have it, a certain someone's penchant for Monday GIFs has come in handy as this one from January illustrates the horror and despair I felt upon opening this draft post and realising that it was so unfinished as to be barely started!

 Look, we haven't got time to appear terrified-yet-glamorous while trotting about in the garden encrusted in jewels and wearing something far too skimpy for this time of year!  We've got to try and remember what happened this year, then wrap it up and bundle it in the back of the sideboard so that the New Year can start on time!

 Oh, cripes.  We'd better get on with it, then.  It's a good job that everyone else has been quite productive:

January

Event : After years and years and years of deliberation, cogitation, and waiting for just the right moment, Ms Scarlet banished her FGES anxiety and launched the New Year by holding the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!

Rimpy's sigh of relief could be heard across the globe...

 Two weeks later, Maddie, the Mistress Borghese, won the competition and became the 28th person to become inflicted with the 'Shorts!

 

 And two weeks after that, Ms Scarlet prepares herself to go through Post Shorts Syndrome...

 

Discovery : I was almost beside myself when I discovered a modern, live-action clip from one of my favourite 80s cartoons - Dungeons and Dragons!

 My excitement was dulled somewhat when I realised that it was from a Brazilian Renault advert, but I still live in hope of a car-less reboot (fan-edited English language version here).

February

Quotes : "An erect stud at 16 hands is something to behold and rather terrifying I must say!", and...

Frost and Fungi

 Inspired by Melanie's latest Nature-Led mushroom free-for-all - and also because I had loads of photos to use up that didn't make the cut, and have nothing else ready to publish - here are some fungi photos from the last couple of months:

 

A broken & blurry specimen from my allotment on 11th October:

 

A little nubbin of a toadstool by the front garden fence (from 20th October):

 

 

The following fungi were all from a walk around Blickling Hall grounds on 22nd October:

 

A Very Special Bio-Hazard Warning

 Today is a special day.  At least, I think it is*, and so do one or two others (who have buggered off on holiday so I can't check with them to see if I'm remembering rightly).  So, just in case it is, in the absence of something dedicated specifically** for the date, may I present instead, the updated new Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Travel Map!

As with with many things in life, click to embigulate

 I'm sure Ms Scarlet must have managed to get to a post office by now, and that the Freakin Green Elf Shorts are winging their way to Mistress Maddie if, in fact, they are not gracing her shapely gams as I type!

* Or it could be 10 days hence?  Or some other date entirely.  My memory is unreliable at the best of times.  EDIT 6 April: I have just discovered that the day in question is on some other date, months from now.  Ah, well, at least it was an excuse to unveil the map!

** Such as a trip over the Cusp just like we didn't have for Ms Scarlet's birthday, or even my birthday, or even The Very Mistress's Sweet Sixteenth last month!

"These people came here for a glimpse of Fanny"*

 And Fanny they shall get!  (She's just there on the right, see?)

 Anyway, the first three months of 2022 are just about over and what have I got to show for myselves?  Practically nothing!

 So, just like last year's quarterly catch-ups, here's the first quarter's list of some of the things that have kept me entertained/distracted/sane(ish):

Read:

DS9: Revenant, by Alex White  ∘  No Shame, by Tom Allen  ∘  Typeset in the Future, by Dave Addey (Well, partly read - I've read about 2001: A Space Odyssey and Alien, and I'm about to start Star Trek: The Motion Picture)

Fart in a Colander

 Sorry I haven't been around much lately - I've been in a bit of a dither this past few weeks what with one thing and another.  "Like a fart in a colander" (that doesn't know which hole to get out of), as my Grandma used to put it.

 I can't quite put my finger on what's brought it on, but I suspect that a combination of things are to blame, including more Car related woes (it's in the garage again!).  I have taken up swimming (in a pool, not the sea) though, which seems to be taking the edge off, somewhat.

 Oh, the inclusion of the Parsnip People (from my allotment) up there will become apparent if you keep reading.

::

 New music: I've been surprised by White Lies latest release "Am I Really Going To Die".  That's three in a row from them that I've taken to.  I'm not usually a fan of their music as it aways seems too maudlin and ernest for my liking, but this one is quite bright and pop-y with some rather exhilarating bits (I haven't really listened to the words, so it's probably really miserable).

 Also, I'm getting sick of the lead singer's glum, beardy face singing at me/the camera.

::

Come One, Come All, to the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Ball!

Should anyone have been off-planet this past week, please be aware that the

Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition

is now on over at Ms Scarlet's place!

 The artfully put together scene above (complete with new sofa - Ms Scarlet has spared no expense!) is what you have to work with.  All you need to do is visit Ms Scarlet's FGES blog post, leave a cunning caption (or twelve) and cross your fingers that it's amusing enough to win. 

 If you are that fortunate winner, Ms Scarlet will package up the 'Shorts and send them your way so you can hold a caption competition of your own and send them on to your winner.  The Freakin Green Elf Short's quest for world domination (not to be confused with The Very Mistress's World Domination Tours) is in your hands arse/nether regions!

This version of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Travel Map will soon be replaced by new map.  I hope!

 The 'Shorts need to be removed from Ms Scarlet's clutches and away from this green and pleasant brown and muddy land forthwith, as the effects of a second bout of Post-Shorts Syndrome are only going to be more prolonged and difficult to treat the longer she holds on to them.  As Hunter Elf Thompson (from Fear and Loathing in the Loo) once said, "There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a [wo]man in the depths of a polyester binge." (Thank you for the quote, Rimpy) 

 Speaking of Rimpy, for further information about the 'Shorts, please visit his exhaustively researched Continuing History of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts post.

 You have until Saturday 16th 15th January to enter (as many times as you like), and the winner will be crowned on Sunday 16th.  Happy captioning, and good luck!

Next week you'll all be mush!

 Well, 2022 has arrived without incident - although it is unseasonably warm - and in my desperation to post something in order to drag my Sideboard out of 2021, may I present the dawn of 2022 from here in Overstrand:

☙❧

The Year of the Invaded Sideboard

 What a year it's been!

 Animal rescue.

 Poor Tim...

 Floods.

 Poor Ms Nations...

 The return of ABBA.

 Poor ABBA...  

 Someone had a bit of a cough.

 . . .

 . . .

 . . .

 Well?

 Oh, er... Poor BEAST.  

 And aside from everything else, our poor Sideboard took quite a pummelling.  Having seen off an expanse of pink [thank you, Dinah] and a giant old lady [also by Dinah] in previous years, 2021 has seen no less than five invasions!  

 But before we get to those, a quick heads-up about this year's Coven Awards: Unlike previous years, there aren't any awards per se, rather a selection of bits & bobs from your blogs throughout the year that we enjoyed, appreciated, or just remembered to make a note of at the time.

 The remembered bit is key.  Our memory is pretty terrible, so these aren't neccessarily the best bits, just noted or remembered bits.

 Oh, and there's much less self-indulgence from us, too.

 Although there is some, of course:  Star Trek.  Men we like.  Sofas that we think are ghastly (not your new one, Ms Scarlet - we haven't seen it yet...)  It's our blog, after all.

 Quite.  Anyway, let's get on with it before the dratted SubCs realise we've started without them.

 Ooh, yes!  On with the show, and the Sideboard Invasions:

  The first, in January, was by professional sideboard invader, Dinahmow, with an enormous luna astronaut complete with narrowboat (naturally).

 Let's start with a little Music, shall we?  Introduced to us by Jon (of course), this has become one of my most played pieces this year: Let's Danzón - Gustavo Dudamel at the Proms Arturo Márquez Danzón Nº 2 

 

Dance : Jon attempted to prise Colin's Anusol from the grip of-  Oh.  Sorry.  I misheard.  It's Prisencolinensinainciusol as we discovered here: Motivi per essere allegri. 

IDV's [redacted] Winterval Panto! (Part 2)

Continued from... IDV's Wonderful Winterval Panto! (Part 1)

No.  I'm not doing anymore narrating.

You'll have to get someone else to do it.

But, Very Mistress...

No!  There was more to do than you led me to believe,

and having to do it all in italics as well is too much!

Well, who else can I get on such short notice?

Who hasn't had a part yet?  Ms Nations?  Rimpy?  Melanie?

I bet Upton would be very good? 

Americans?!  Has that Jameson's gone to your head already?

The Great British public won't have bloody Americans

narrating a panto!  No. They can be the Audience.

You snob!  Well, what about Mago, then?  He's just had

his eyes done so reading the script will be a good test.

And Dobbin's not really in this part, so he's free.

Mago...?  Hmmm... Yes.  Mago!

High above the land in a castle floating amongst the clouds, lived a giant.

In diesem Moment in the castle's great hall, the giant was enjoying a breakfast of Ferrero Rocher freshly laid by his golden goose foil-covered droid while being half-heartedly seranaded by his golden robot harp.  The castle's Very Mistress, Fetchsleep, was ensconced in her fainting web, trying - und failing - to get a bit of shut-eye...

 

 "Ah, isn't Jack beautiful?  I just want to eat him all up!  When do you think he'll get here?"

 "Sigh... I really couldn't say - I'm not the one sat in front of the crystal ball!  And when I said no more narrating, I didn't mean for you to cast me in the story instead.  I need my beauty sleep to be ready for legions of punters once I don the Infomaniac Mistletoe Belt Buckle.  So, has he discovered the Cobaeanstalk?"

 "No, not yet.  I've been watching him for hours and haven't even caught a glimpse of his maypole yet!"

 "I'm not surprised - It is December, after all.  What's he doing now, then?  Like I care..."

 "It looks like he's lolling about in bed.  Or riding some sort of sea monster?  It's difficult to tell as the picture in the 'ball isn't very clear."

 "Well, wake me when something interesting happens."

 "Righto.  Golden Harp?  This music is a bit lacklustre - can you play something else, please?  And nothing Christmassy."

 "Oh, 'play something else' he says!  If only it was that easy.  Where are my muses, hmm?  Where are all the big, dumb, muscular lunks to stimulate my creativity?  Oh, that's right - you ate them!  If you want me to play with myself and pluck my own strings, then I'll need the stimulus to do so.  'Play something else' indeed.  Easy for you to say having swallowed all my men.  I don't know why I bother?!  Golden Tinfoil Goose droid agrees with me, don't you?"

 "Beep boop."

IDV's Wonderful* Winterval Panto! (Part 1**)

* lit. full of wonder at how this travesty of cliches, assumptions, and lazy writing came into being.

** Fortunately for you, there are only two parts to this.

 

Continued from A Pink Prelude...

 

... And for that 'Grotbags' comment I can do the narrating

reclined on my fainting chaise in the wings?

For the last time: Yes!

Good.  I can't be arsed with navigating shoddily constructed scenery while flouncing about in ridiculous costumes - I've seen what's in store for Jon in wardrobe.

I just want a bit of a lie down with a drink.  Or twelve.

There's a barrel of Jameson's and a straw all set out back.

Now, if you would kindly take your place?

Script!  Where's my script?

Christ!  It's on the chaise!

Please, Very Mistress, the cast - your Infomaniac Drinking Team - and audience are getting restless.

All right.  Keep your knickers on, IDV!

Just remember who you're talking to.

Yes, Very Mistress.

Right.  The narrator is all set.  Places everyone!

Curtain up in five, four, three...

 

In a lightly thronged rural village marketplace-

 

Can half a dozen people be classified as a 'throng'?

Some of them don't even appear to be real people.  Are they cardboard cut-outs?

Of course they're made of cardboard, Very Mistress.

You know the budgets for these things are practically non-existent.

Well, we did have the budget for Savvy to appear in person here,

but she's late as usual, so that's 25 quid down the drain...

We haven't got time for that now!

Very Mistress, if you could continue narrating, please?

Oh.  Yes.  Where was I?  Ah, yes:

In a lightly thronged marketplace we find a young woman- 

Man!

Man?  Is he?  [squints]  Oh, yes, of course.

I forgot that in panto the principle boy is usually played by a female actor.

If we can get on, please?

Just before I do, the script says "a young man" - how young is that then?  20s?  30s?

I only ask because - and I'm not saying that I think she's too...

experienced for the role - isn't that Ms Scarlet?

[sigh] Yes.  It is.  Fortunately, as I'm sure you remember, Ms Scarlet is at least ten years younger here over the Cusp than her birth certificate would have you believe, thanks to that time-travel nincompoopery that occurred over her birthday earlier this year.

Now, if you please?

Of course.  Of course.  Where were we?

Oh, yes, 'thronged marketplace', 'young man':

Anyway, his name is Jack and he's here with his overbearing - and rather garishly dressed, if you ask me - mother, a Dame of some repute, to sell various mud-based artisinal products and some dubious beauty treatments made from butter...

CCQ: Aidan Turner in the Altogether with a Towel

 "Wow!  You really know how to handle such a big machine" IDV shamelessly innuendoed at Asriel as the driver swung the limo into Mitzi's driveway and brought it to a controlled stop outside the front door.

 "Oh, dear.  That was terrible!  The poor boy" Lady Goldberg-DeWoofs admonished as a furious blush bloomed on Asriel's handsome face.

 "I don't know?" Maddie countered.  "I might have said something similar."

 "Thank you, Maddie" IDV said.  "I'm rather out of practice.  Now, we'd better go and see what's going on inside."

 Despite the blatant flirting, Asriel had managed to get out of the limo and open the rear door for his passengers to disembark.  IDV had only just got out - not missing the opportunity to give the driver a once-over - when a minibus roared up the drive and screeched to a halt mere micromips from smushing his legs to smithereens against the limo's open door.

Hmm...  That sounds familiar.

Yes, 'Ms Scarlet with the Trolley on the Mezzanine' familiar...

Sshhhh!  Just let him get on with it otherwise we'll be here all day!

 "Eeeeeeep!"

 "Where is she?!?" Jon barely noticed IDV sandwiched between the front of the minibus and the car door as he burst out of the vehicle.

 "Oof" said Dinah as she gracefully fell out after Jon.  A small avalanche of empty wine bottles followed in her wake, clinking and clanking around her.  A raised eyebrow from the limo driver (the resident expert) provoked a defensive mumble "They're for Ms Scarlet's Bottled Project..."

 "Sorry to startle you, IDV" Mago said as he exited the driver's side with an exasperated expression on his face.  "I was getting inundated with directions und instructions und pointing fingers..."

 As IDV sidled out of the wafer-thin gap, his mouth open to respond to Mago, a terrible scream rent the air.

 "I think it came from around the back" Maddie gasped.

 "Then let's go!" cried Jon as he leapt into action.  Well, sashayed towards the side gate, anyway...

 

oOo

The Year of Ferrero Rochering Dangerously

 Good afternoon, and welcome to the 2020 Coven Awards!  We hope you've all been to the loo and got yourself a drink and some snacks, as this does go on a bit.

 I'll say.  I've worn my fingers down to mere nubbins with all the keyboard clacking I've had to do to prepare all this!

 Oh, stop complaining.  You love it really.

 Well, it does keep me from getting bored, I suppose.

Let's hope the same can be said for the poor Blogorati that have to wade through this

miasma of muddled memories and self indulgent claptrap!

 I say!

 Shall we get on with it before this devolves into unrecoverable unpleasantness, hmm?

 Hmmph! As long as you can keep your SubC under control.

 Fine.  Carry on.

 Right.  Here we go: Well, this hasn't been the best year, has it?  However, we're not going to dwell upon the bad as amongst all the toothache, shingles, and Mondays, there were fuchsias, Freakin' Green Elf Shorts (sort of), and Ferrero Rocher!

 

Despite appearances (you know, if you squint a lot and have had a gin or twelve...)

this is not Ms Scarlet, Intergalactic Global Ambassador for Ferrero Rocher.

This is, in fact, a decoy.  Ms Scarlet is cunningly disguised as the youthful,

rather vertically challenged Ambassador's handmaiden, second from right.

(One of the other two at the back might be Charmaine...)

Uh, oh...

I'm just dealing with... something.

Back soon.  I hope... 

P.S. I hope you all managed to enjoy part, if not all, of your day yesterday, and are continuing to do so today?  I shall be visiting your blogs as soon as I trap these little nylon nasties, and round up the others!

That Old Back Passage Called Love

 Madam Arcati's latest Delargo Gardens post once again had me reminiscing about the tight, jungly confines of my own Back Passage when I lived in Norwich twenty-odd years ago.  So much so, in fact, that I found myself trawling through reams of old pictures on a USB stick trying to find some photos.

 Well, I did find some, and rather than let all that time and effort go to waste, I thought I'd pop a selection of them up here (because I have nothing else prepared or even remotely ready in draft).  I also searched through my dusty old blog crypt for ancient posts that featured the original Castle DeVice's tiny garden.  Although I lived in Castle DeVice from the back half of 1998 to early 2009, I can only find photos from 2006 onwards (I think that this must have been the time I discovered digital photography)...

 While you explore my back passage, why not listen to Ella Fitzgerald singing about it (she misheard "Back Passage" as "Black Magic", but she is getting on a bit...):

Note: I spent ages getting all the photos in date order, from August 2006 to December 2008.  Then, as soon as I viewed them all together, I realised that they'd look better in month/season order to show the progression of growth, so that's how I've displayed them here.

Late April (2008) - Left: Halfway down my back passage and nearing my back door, an avocado tree (grown from a pit), arum lily (Zantedeschia aethiopica), various ferns, a hanging basket in need of a good sort out, and some bamboo.  

Middle: Just inside the entrance to my back passage are a couple of New Zealand flaxes (Phormium somesuch), heuchera, a tufty old bit of blue-green grass, and some daffs.  

Right: The paysho - or staging area to my back passage - repleat with a potted box (Buxus), rose, bluebells, geranium, daffs, scylla, and violas.

Sea Swims and Sodden, Sparkling Groynes

 I'm on holiday!  Two weeks off work and the weather is playing ball, for a change.  With the global travel situation as it is, I have the perfect excuse not to go anywhere or see anyone.
 So, just like every other day, week, month, year etc. etc.
 Yes!  Isn't it fabulous!?!

 Anyway, on with the show: Here are a few photos from the last three or four days. 
 The sunrise below is from a week ago Monday, taken from my home office/library/blog room, and the first set of beach photos below are from Saturday (no swim then as it was a little chilly - there was a swim on Sunday as it got out a little warmer, but I didn't take any photos).

Saturday

A Little Broad, perhaps?

 On Sunday, I made my way to Little Broad in Frogshall - somewhere I've been meaning to go for years, but have never got around to.  Until now.  Or then, rather.
 Like many people-

Oh, gods, we're common!

 Shush, you! Like some people, I'm drawn to water - particularly the less obvious (i.e. not the sea) freshwater streams and ponds that are tucked away in the countryside.  Even a big puddle can be fascinating!  But Little Broad, despite the name, is significantly larger than a puddle.

 As you might have surmised, I took one or two photos while I was there, and here they are:

As I picked my way through the undergrowth towards the sluice gate, I startled two small deer - possibly Chinese water deer (they didn't have white bottoms, so not muntjacs) - but wasn't quick enough with Camera to get any photos.