Sunday, March 01, 2015

The Stepford Houseboys


 I'll get to posting our adventures in Goldfing-longerer soon, but I'm currently lost in a good book...



Thursday, February 26, 2015

Glitter is Forever




The Gincuzzi (slice of lime not pictured)
  "Sigh... Can I not have a moments peace?"
From the Gincuzzi in his mountain-top lair, Goldfing-longerer used his gold fing-longer to mute the sound from the episode of Ugly Betty that was playing on the crystal ball that was hovering over the gently bubbling gin & tonic he was reclined in. The Increasingly Displeased Villain scowled as one of his Plastic "no-tackle" Tim lackeys informed him that one of the neighbouring villains was at the front door.
A Plastic "no-tackle" Tim minion
 Shifting position to more easily extricate himself from the Gincuzzi, he suddenly started. "Oooh!" and fished around beneath the foaming surface with a look of surprised concentration on his face. "Ah, ha!" He pulled out a slice of lime, and held it aloft triumphantly. "Well, that certainly has rather put an end to my relaxation. I suppose I'd better do something about this visitor. Help me out, then!" Two more gold-panted Plastic Tims eased Goldfing-longerer from the tub while simultaneously wrapping him up in a bath robe and trying not to see everything.

~ ~ ~

Barbara Cartland's Gold Orbit hat
  A few minutes later, and fully dressed, Goldfing-longerer met his guest in the foyer with an air-kiss.
 "Ah, Gay Day" he said to the statuesque visitor, "do come in."
 "Thank you, GFL. Have you got somewhere to put my hat?" With a dismissive wave, Gay Day indicated the general vicinity of the front door where a towering gold chapeau leaned precariously outside.
 "Uh... I'll have one of the Tims take care of it. Wherever did you get it from?"
 "Oh, it was one of Barbara Cartland's. I got it from that garage sale she held when her book sales nose-dived." And with that, Gay Day swept into the foyer and headed towards the veranda leaving a trail of glitter and sequins in her wake.
~ ~ ~

Disco tea (via Aych)
 A little while later, having been set up with a Disco Tea on the veranda that overlooked the exquisite gardens, Goldfing-longerer and Gay Day were gossiping plotting world domination when they were interrupted by a flying saucer landing on the lawn in a space between a couple of Airstream trailers.
 "Ah. The Crimson Pussy's finally back" Gay Day noted as the final character of their triumverate sashayed down the ramp of the 'saucer discarding her faux-fur hooded parka on the way.
 "I see you managed to drag yourself away from that Tarot, Pussy."
 "And hello to you, too, GFL" Pussy replied. "Gay Day."
 "Pussy" Gay Day sneered.
 The Crimson Pussy poured herself a cup of glitter, but didn't sit down.
 "I've come to warn you that Bond and her cronies are on their way here" she said.
 "What?!"
 "Well, what did you expect? That MJ6'd just ignore a load of gold corpses?"
 "Yes? Well, they were accidents, after all."
 "Ha!" Gay Day nearly choked on a glitterball.
Too embarassed to show his face after
being discovered at one of Gay Day's
glitter parties (via)
 "You can laugh" Pussy said. "They also found that poor Houseboy of yours who you tried to drown in your glitter pool."
 "Ah..."
 "Where are they now?" Goldfing-longerer asked.
 The Crimson Pussy looked at her watch, her glossy, scarlet lips moving slightly as she did some calculations in her head. "Probably at your front door, by now."
 "Bugger."


To be continued in... Goldfing-longerer
 


Saturday, February 21, 2015

On The Mistress's Secret Service


 "I thought I'd find you here, Bond"
 The figure propped up at the bar, straightened slightly but didn't turn around to face her addresser.
 "Mmmm" Bond slurred, slugging down the dregs of a Jameson's.
 "N, actually. Now, come on, I've got a mission for you. We're going back to headquarters."
 Bond sighed and slouched out of the Irish bar after N, adjusting her character turban on the way.
 "Hurry up, Bond. I borrowed Cookie's Chrysler New Yorker as my car's in the 'shop, and he'll be livid if I don't get it back in time for the Concours d'Elegance."

~ ~ ~

 The Chrysler pulled in at MJ6 headquarters, slowing down but not stopping, to disgorge Bond, who staggered from the moving automobile.
 "I would say I'm sorry about that, Bond, but I'd be lying" N shouted from the open rear window as the car pulled away. "Go in and see my secretary for the mission details and to get kitted out." And with that, the chauffeur driven car roared off.
 Inside, Bond walked into a suite of offices, and was confronted with N's secretary.
 "Mish Moneyprinny" Bond slurred, the Jameson's still evident.
 Moneyprinny looked up from her sewing machine, her mouth full of pins. She turned her head to the left slightly and blew the pins out with a helping flick from her tongue. Bond flinched as they shot past and embedded themselves with deadly accuracy into a picture of some garden gnomes that was stuck to the door she'd just walked through.
 "Ah, hello Jane" Moneyprinny smiled. "N found you, then."
 "It would appear so, eh" Bond replied, turning back from the be-pinned gnomes. "That's quite a tongue you have there, Moneyprinny."
 "Well, it may have been a few years since I was out in the field, but one never forgets how to blow a mouthful of pricks!"
 "Quite" Bond said. "So, you have my mission?"
 "Oh, yes. Just a minute." Moneyprinny rifled through some drawers under her desk, pulling out all manner of sewing implements and, bizarrely, several jars of apricots. Eventually, she handed over a buff-coloured file, the front of which was marked 'Top Secret'. Or it would have been had the rings of apricot syrup from the jar bases not obliterated it. "Here you are."
Drama queen!
 Bond gingerly took the sticky file and opened it up, revealing pages of data and a photo of a male nude statue in gold. A closer glance revealed the statue to be a gold-painted man, and not just any man. It was her latest liaison, 'Mr Swings' Mastercard, and he'd been nobbled! 
 Just then the phone rang. Moneyprinny took one look at the caller ID display and rolled her eyes. "It's mother" she explained and gestured for Bond to go through the double doors on the right. "He's expecting you. I'll meet you outside in a bit."

~ ~ ~

 "Q?"
 The chair swung around revealing a man stroking two scarily intelligent-looking cats that were sitting contentedly in his lap. 
 "Who are you?" Bond demanded suddenly sobering up. "And where's Q?"
 "Um... Well... I'm X" the man said peering at Bond over the top of his wire-framed glasses. "Q popped out for lunch, so I'm just filling in until he gets back."
 Bond narrowed her eyes at the unexpected interloper as he stroked his pussies.
 "When did he leave?" she asked, reasoning that as everyone in MJ6 got an hour for lunch, Q may not be much longer as it was nearly 2pm now.
 "Three months ago" sighed X.
 "Oh. So he probably won't be back by two, then?"
 "I doubt it."
 "Look" Bond said, "This all seems very suspicious. You're not the villain, are you?"
 "Me?" X looked aghast. "Certainly not!" Then the penny dropped. "Oh... The swivel chair, the cat-stroking, the little glasses... Heh! Yes, I can see why you'd think that."
 X rose from his chair, the cats leaping from his lap to disappear amongst the various inventions and contraptions scattered about the cavernous room. "Follow me, Bond. I'll show you your latest accoutrements."

~ ~ ~

Paradise in an automobile
 "And this is the automatic pillow-fluffer" said X handing over a small device to Bond as they walked out of the foyer of MJ6 Headquarters. Bond passed the plaid gun she was inspecting to Moneyprinny who had met them outside. "And that" X continued, pointing at a leopard-skin upholstered convertible parked nearby, "is your MistressMobile. It comes complete with wipe-clean seats, a miniature vodka fountain in the glovebox, and an inflatable Oubliette in the trunk.
 A noise like deflating bagpipes suddenly got everyone's attention.
 "Oops!"
This was followed by a commotion amongst various pedestrians across the road. Several had fainted and at least two of them weren't even stuck-up old snobs! The rest of the civilians had their hands clamped to their faces, covering their bleeding eyes.
The results of messing around with a Plaid-
Gun without checking that the safety is on...
 "Dear gods!" Bond snapped. "What have you done, Moneyprinny?"
 "It just went off in my hand! I barely touched it!"
 "And look what it's done to their hair."
 "I'm pretty sure it didn't do that. Their hair must have been that bad beforehand" said X.
 Ignoring the unfolding drama, Bond pulled her red character turban more snugly against her head and got in the drivers seat of the MistressMobile. X and Moneyprinny squabbled over the front passenger seat, with X losing out and having to sit in the back. Moneyprinny looked smug as Bond started the engine and pulled away.
 "Wait! Wait!" came a voice from outside the car.
Bond pulled over and lowered the window. "Yes?" she said to the approaching figures, both of whom looked a little over made-up for normal daytime business. "What do you want?"
 "My Mistress wants to go with you." The almost out of breath 'woman' nearest the car dropped the various travel cases she had carried pell-mell up the street. "She- She knows things."
 "Quiet Anitia!" the second 'woman' snapped as she approached. Unlike Anitia, she had declined to run and wasn't carrying anything except for a small, rather exquisite clutch.
 "She's in one of those moods" Anitia whispered to Bond with a roll of her eyes before being shoved aside by her companion.
 "I have information that can help you."
 Bond narrowed her eyes. "What kind of information, and why would you want to help us?" 
 "Because 'Mr Swings' was my brother! I am Maddie Mastercard."
 "I see. So, what about this information?"
 "Well, that's a little more complicated, but I know certain things about where you're going..."
 "Oh, get in, then. But you'll have to sit in the back with X."
 Anitia opened the back door and Maddie barged her aside, grimacing at the close confines within. "There's no room for you, Anitia. You'll have to stay behind. Now, just put my things in the trunk and go and find a cheap motel to stay in." 


To be continued in... Glitter is Forever


Thursday, February 19, 2015

Cakes through the ages


 As you may know, I'm not one to pass up a little procrastination if circumstances warrant, so, with that in mind - and a hundred and one far more important things to do - I thought I'd make a record of (some) of the cakes I've made through the years.

 Please look past the poor photography and so-so cakes- Wait! That doesn't leave anything to look at!

 Ah, well. Here goes anyway...


An After Eight cake for a girly night in

Inexcuseable's (lopsided looking) wedding cake (June 2007)
A Little Cake (May 2008)

An accidental cake (July 2008)
Tazzy's birthday cake (August 2008)

Birthday brownies for The Mother (August 2009)
Butterflies & marzipan cerises (May 2010)

Inexcuseable's sister-in-law's wedding cake.
Cake made by her non-wicked step-mother and
decorated by Inexcuseable and myselves (June 2010)
Hen Day cupcakes and buns (July 2010)
A friend's wedding cakes (August 2011)
The Mother's birthday cake (August 2010)
 
A secret for SP (September 2010)
Decorated in boredom (March 2011)
More decorated in boredom (March 2011)
Lemon & coconut buns (March 2011)

A Huntsman's birthday cake (May 2011)
Indescribable's wedding cake (May 2011)
The Parent's ruby wedding anniversary cupcakes (December 2012)
 
1st anniversary cake for Inexcuseable's place of work (November 2014)

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Let's dispense with the pleasantries, you twisted space crustation*


 Oof! Sorry for the tardiness. I've had the very devil of a job cleaning up the Croc pit from our Goldfing-longerer adventure - which will be published soon, I promise. Until then, you'll have to make do with this book post.

6. Yukon Ho! by Bill Watterson

 This is the third collection of Calvin & Hobbes comic strips. I meant to read them in order, but accidently read this before Something Under the Bed is Drooling (see below).

* Post title from page 70 (strip from October 18 1987)

7. Takedown (Star Trek: The Next Generation), by John Jackson Miller

 I love this book! It's such a tonic after the doom and gloom of The Fall & Typhon Pact series. I found the first part difficult to get into due to the atypical actions and behaviour of Admiral William Riker, but I'm so glad I stuck with it as the payoff was definitely worth it. This really did feel like Star Trek! Action, adventure, great story, engaging characters who worked together and strove for betterment, plenty of surprises, seamless referrals to previous stories, and no need for a diabolical arch scheme to destroy life as we know it. Brilliant! 
 Along with Una McCormack's The Missing (see the last Book post), Takedown is part of a great new beginning for what I hope will be an uplifting continuation of 24th century 'Trek.

8. Something Under the Bed is Drooling, by Bill Watterson

 As noted above, the second collection of Calvin & Hobbes comic strips.

9. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, by Vonda N. McIntyre

 OK. So it's another Star Trek book. If it helps, I skim-read most of it as I was replaying the film in my head at the same time. I only properly read the bits relating to whales so I could update Memory Beta.  

10. One of Our Thursdays is Missing, by Jasper Fforde

 In this, the sixth novel in the Thursday Next series, the BookWorld version of Thursday Next takes centre stage. The BookWorld has been remade and Thursday is given a mission by J. A. I. D. (the Jurisfiction Accident Investigation Department) to investigate a crashed book, in the hopes that she will be completely useless (just like she is in her book) and not discover anything! Fortunately, out of her book Thursday isn't quite as useless as everyone thinks, and manages to solve the mystery of the crashed book, amongst other things.
    

Sunday, February 01, 2015

It's guilt-edged and glamourous...


... and sleek by design


It's Eurythmics' "Love Is A Stranger".


And I'll leave you with Annie Lennox's "Little Bird" as, not only is it a marvellous song, but I love the video with the different Annies.

That's all. 

Oh, except to let you know that Goldfing-Longerer is being released later this month.
 

Friday, January 23, 2015

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

This smells like bat barf!*


 As it's the start of a new year, it's also time for a new reading list.
 I know I said previously that I was going to try not to read as much Star Trek literature this year, and that this first book post has no less than three Star Trek novels, but there shouldn't be any more until the Summer when David R George III's new novel is released.
 Oh, except for Takedown (by John Jackson Miller) which should be delivered to my Kindle on the 27th of this month.

1. The Missing (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), by the ever wonderful Una McCormack

 Una McCormack can do no wrong! She is my favourite 'Trek author at the moment, having penned my very favourite Star Trek novels; The Never Ending Sacrifice, Brinkmanship, and The Crimson Shadow.
 The Missing is a long-awaited Deep Space Nine novel set aboard the new station (ghastly design, by the way), and a civilian science vessel, the Athene Donald. Along with the regular crew, it reintroduces characters from Brinkmanship, and the prickly Doctor Katherine Pulaski (Beverly Crusher's contentious 2nd season replacement in Star Trek: The Next Generation). 
 I loved the style of writing (especially the bits where McCormack lets the readers' imaginations fill in the blanks, and the almost complete lack of technobabble), the Captain's Log introductions, the Athene Donald (let's have more novels set aboard this marvellous ship), and the really quite tense and baffling, but also warm, Cardassian/Romulan storyline. More, please, Una! 

2. Articles of the Federation, by Keith R. A. DeCandido

 This is not a new book, but it is a new book for me. It was first published in 2005, and was one of the more unusual Star Trek novels that wasn't linked to any particular TV series, and didn't "star" any of the main casts.
 I don't know why I didn't read it at the time? It may have been because I wasn't (and am still not) interested in politics, be they real or fictional (although aren't most politics fictional?). This novel, however, was a delight to read, even though it was about the politics, politicians and press of the United Federation of Planets! Plus, I love the character of Nanietta Bacco, President of the UFP.


3. First Among Sequels, by Jasper Fforde

 This is the fifth of the Thursday Next series, and just as good as the previous four. With its various plot threads meandering along, seemingly unrelated but nonetheless engaging, until they intertwine in an "Oh, yes! Why didn't I see this coming?" moment near the very end.
 In this novel, Thursday has to deal with falling readership, the threat of reality TV-style books, the end of time (seemingly brought about by the inaction of her lazy, sullen, teenage son), and her two BookWorld counterparts, Thursday1-4 and Thursday5.

4. Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Watterson

 It was dear Mago who reminded me that it had been a while since I'd read any Calvin & Hobbes, so I thought I'd start from the beginning and see how far I get.
 This is the first book - a collection of the comic strips from 1985 to 1986.
* Post title from page 10 (strip from November 28 1985)


5. Synthesis (Star Trek: Titan), by James Swallow

 Again, this is a new book for me, but one that was published back in 2009.
 Unlike with Articles of the Federation, I know full well why I didn't read this book at the time: The slut on the cover with Riker!
 Now, having read the book, I know she's not a slut and Riker's marriage to Deanna Troi is as safe as houses. Ahhh... 

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Hair Raising Tales From The Future


 All that talk of time-travel over at MJ's reminded me of this:

Click for big-hair!

 I "appropriated" it on one of our jaunts to the future. I must say, I was surprised that the old rag was back in publication in the 24th century. It was with a stack of other magazines on a table in the departure lounge of the Temporal Traffic Control Tower I was waiting in for clearance to return to the 21st century. I was so fascinated with the article about the once fashionable Betazoid practice of caging small animals in elaborate wigs, that I couldn't put it down and it somehow managed to accompany me back here.

 Speaking of Betazoids, Deanna Troi's head-in-a-replicator styling trick isn't something I would recommend. Mr Mot's top ten tips are far more palatable. Except number eight...

 Ooh, and Janice Rand's basket-weave 'do is easier to accomplish than one might think!

 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

HobNobbing with the stars


 Urg. A morning of manual labour at The Parents' constructing a flat-pack desk from IKEA wasn't quite what I had in mind for my day off. Luckily, I had another appointment this afternoon, so I left the desk slap-bang in the middle of their living room (and the various bits of some matching storage units on wheels - Micke I think it's called?) and made my escape.
  
  Within the hour, I had arrived at Alfred Centuri's for afternoon tea. Betty Stromgren was already parked in the Queen Anne wing-back with a rather large glass of sherry, and just as Alfred was letting me in, Anne Tarés and Allan de Baran turned up together. Now, this was rather unusual as Anne's place is most definitely not on the way to Alfred's from the de Baran residence. After some blunt-force questionning from the half-cut Betty Stromgren, the - rather spurious to my thinking - reason for de Baran's wild detour was that Major Arthur Canis was supposed to pick Ms Tarés up, but he was detained at the Sol-Sirius border as the daft old coot had forgotten his Passport! 

 Anyway, after we'd subdued Betty with another half pint of Alfred's best cooking sherry, we set to with tea and a packet of HobNobs!