Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Easter egg

 We are never getting eggs from the "farm" up the road again!

 Inexcuseable came back from her walk earlier with a box of half-a-dozen eggs. There's a house up the road where one can buy fresh eggs that come from the multitudes of chickens that scratch around up there. I think she's trying to be more "country".
 Anyway, she plopped them on the side and promptly went outside to get the washing in. I, meanwhile, had just finished de-nymphing the dishwasher (a story for another time) when I heard a rustling from the eggbox. Edging cautiously up to it, I reached out and flipped the lid open. Five of the six pale brown mottled eggs were sitting in their little pulped-paper nests not moving at all. The sixth was jumping around like a child on a tartrazine high. It was all very Ghostbusters!
 As I debated what to do, the egg cracked open sending tiny pieces of eggshell flying across the kitchen and revealed a coiled up something inside. I leaned in closer, squinting, wishing I had my reading glasses to hand. 
 Suddenly, the thing sprung out, launching itself at my face! It was a basilisk!
 I leapt back and flailed at the writhing creature with a teatowel (the only thing immediately to hand), attempting to keep it at bay and it's deathly gaze off me. By pure chance I accidently dropped the cloth, which landed over the monstrous little serpent. Quickly scooping it up, I elbowed the waste-disposal unit switch on and shook out the teatowel over the sink. I smiled in grim satisfaction as the basilisk fell into the grinding metal teeth and was smushed to smithereens!

 While I leaned back against the fridge catching my breath, Inexcuseable walked back in with her washing, completely oblivious as to my narrow escape. She looked over at the noisily churning sink then switched her sights on me before sweeping out of the room. Over her shoulder she said:
 "Next time, remember to run the water when you use the waste disposal unit."

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Something under the bed is drooling

 Ug. So tired. 

 I didn't sleep very well last night having been woken from dreams of things I can no longer remember by several large thumps and bangs, followed by the bed shaking. I thought it was another earthquake.

 I was wrong. It was much more serious.

 There was a monster under the bed.

It's eyes... Like gimlets!
(Artist's impression. The actual monster may vary)

 The bloody thing was eating breakfast! So, not only did I have to deal with the chomping of massive jaws and crunching of bones, but also the rivers of drool seeping into my carpet.

 As I staggered out of bed leaving the monster to its meal, I tried not to think about the devastation that was sure to await me downstairs. I mean: can you imagine the carnage caused by a sizeable monster dragging a kid through a cat-flap, and the state of our pots & pans cupboard as it rummaged for one big enough to fry a rather overweight child

 Le sigh.

And, yes, now that I'm up, I'll get on with those final articles from wwwWOW! 

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

w-w-w-WOW! Final Edition

 Yes, this is the start of (not very many) things to come. As you may have noticed, I haven't been around much lately-
Lately!? Good gods, you've barely posted anything of note for months!
 Oh, shut up you. I've been busy, as well you know!
Busy? Ha!
 Well, the Host has.
 Hey! Don't blame this on me!
Why not? It's your stupid body and brain we inhabit, so you're just as much to blame.

* silence *

 That's better. Now, as I was saying: We haven't been around much lately for reasons that are too convoluted-
He means "boring".
 Ahem! Too convoluted to go into right now, and the likelyhood is that things will remain convoluted for the foreseeable future. So, we have decided to bring this blog to a close while we regroup and figure out what to do next. 
 However, this will not be the final post: We have decided to subject you to reward you loyal readers with a few excerpts from the final edition of the wwwWOW! magazine (above) over the next few weeks.
 We will also endeavour to visit your blogs, however sporadically, whenever we get the chance.

 So, without further ado, we will leave you to your New Year resolutions/Christmas recoveries, while we choose some suitable excerpts for the last few posts.

 Happy New Year to you all, from all of us! 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Why do pears...

 ...suddenly appear turn to over-ripened mush when one is least expecting it?

 I was just downstairs wandering from room to room with the phone clamped to my ear chatting to being chatted at by Indescribable. She was going on about how she took Babyzilla to the shops yesterday afternoon and bought some praline & cream icecream and cranberry & orange cookies. She ate the icecream last night (but didn't really like it) and scoffed the cookies this morning for breakfast. 
 As she gabbled on, I looked around for sustenance as I had yet to break my own fast (having spent most of the morning in the bath). The only thing I could see of slight deliciousness were three conference pears on the kitchen windowsill that were given to us by The Father from his pear tree. They'd been there for the past two weeks in the hope that the meagre Autumn sun would ripen them.
 I gently squeezed each pear, choosing the last one as it had a little "give". While my sister was prattling on, I bit into it and nearly broke my teeth! How can it still have the consistency of granite? How? It should have turned to mush by now!

 Eddie Izzard has the same problem it seems:

 There's a longer, more comprehensive video here (the pear bit starts from 4:30).

Monday, October 14, 2013

Graceless clod

 Now, I was playing table tennis with The Father yesterday (don't ask), when he told me that I should loosen up a bit more. Be more fluid. Make my movements and shots more graceful as I "look like a piece of wood"!

Not me, sadly.
 How very dare he! I am grace personified. Grace, elegance and poise are three words one could use to describe me. In fact, one could call me grace incarnate!

* ahem * Really?

 Shush, you! Just let him get on with his digging... 

 Hey! Anyway, I-  Oh.  Who left these here?


Unluckily, there was someone right where I hadn't intended to land.
"Ow!" she said as I clonked her on the elbow with Broom as I swerved at the last minute.
"Oof!" I said after hitting the trellis in the courtyard.


As I strode down a corridor to find Tim and Princess, they found me.
"Oof!" I said as the stretcher they were pushing bashed into my leg.
"Run!" Princess cried, bashing me again with the stretcher.


Drat. Sorry I've been a bit neglectful this past week or so - I've been trapped in the airing cupboard. Not in the Narnia-esque land back there (with its opening behind the hot water tank), as I had it closed off not long after I'd moved in after finding small hoof-prints and faun shit all over my best tablecloth and runner.


* collapses into Sparky Malarkey and utters, with rubbish German accent *
Oh, Timothy, Timothy. Mine very own Timothy. You saved my life.
I shall never forgive you...

"Oof! Bugger. Who'd've thought there'd be a Cusp Interface on Cybertron?"

"Oof!" I fell back onto my desk, winded. "Ahh... Physical contact!" I drew myself together, transmogrifying into a fearsome dragon. "T-Bird!" I roared. "Timothy has escaped!"

"Oof! I think I just landed on someone" I said as I extricated myself from folds of pink taffeta.
"Not just someone" the figure said. "You've clobbered a fairy godmother! Either that or Barbara Cartland."

Oof! I'm back.
I dropped a penny the other day, turned and stooped to pick it up and accidently spun into a different universe. The one with the brown jelly babies!

 Well, I think we can clearly see who has been doing all the graceless clodding around here, eh Witchface?

 I don't know about that? It was all done in your body!

So. While those two bicker, lets watch the stunning AljaĆŸ Skorjanec (and that Abbey Clancy, I suppose) glide handsomely beautifully around the stage.

Friday, October 04, 2013


So, here's another update of books-read-so-far-this-year. Well, I say books - there's a couple of graphic novels and two or three short stories, too. Still, I read them, so they count!
 And like last time, you don't have to take any notice of this - It's to aid my failing memory for the end of the year.

  • The Things, by Peter Watts
  • Revelation and Dust (Star Trek: The Fall), by David R. George III
  • Trillions, by Nicholas Fisk
  • Moon over Luna, by David R. George III
  • Saga (volume one), by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
  • Ex Machina (Star Trek), by Christopher L. Bennett 


  • Psychic Warrior, by David Morehouse
  • Smoke and Mirrors, by Neil Gaiman
  • The Buried Age (Star Trek: The Lost Era), by Christopher L. Bennett

  • Pawns of War (Star Trek: Romulans), by John Byrne
  • Echoes and Refractions: The Chimes at Midnight (Star Trek: Myriad Universes), by Geoff Trowbridge
  • Echoes and Refractions: A Gutted World (Star Trek: Myriad Universes), by Keith R. A. DeCandido 

 I must say, Blogger's supposedly easy picture positioning tool thingy is getting right on my nerves. It's rubbish! It doesn't postition anything easily or quickly, and I end up having to fight the HTML demons to do it the old fashioned way.


Monday, September 30, 2013

Babyzilla: The Time Vampire

While Uncle IDV is distracted by the camera, 
Babyzilla quickly wolfs down one of the cats.
 Oof! Sorry I haven't been around much. It seems that any free moment I've had has been intercepted by my sister Indescribable and her monstrous progeny, Babyzilla. If I haven't had to go and decorate her hall, I've had to 'zilla-sit when she comes to visit and then promptly buggers off with Inexcuseable! Honestly, that creature guzzles time like Miley Cyrus at an "it's-all-about-me" buffet. 

 Actually, I'm not being entirely fair. It hasn't all been about Babyzilla. There has been a spate of manual labour at The Parents', too. I thought all that was over, but they've recently had their garage converted into a bedroom and muggins here was tasked with decorating it! 

 Oh, and I've painted and wallpapered Inexcuseable's bedroom, too!

 Well, that's all over now (except for a modicum of upcoming garden maintenance at The Mother's request), so I plan to get back to blogging forthwith. In fact, I was just thinking about Hallowe'en: I'd better start looking at "holiday" brochures for our annual trip over the Cusp. After all, we don't want another ham-fisted adventure like this one

 Do you?

Monday, August 26, 2013

Ghost gerbil

 I thought Gerbil DeVice* was dead.

Gerbil DeVice. Dead to the world after a long day chewing cardboard loo-roll tubes.

 Turns out it was just really fast asleep. I'm glad really, as I don't want another ghost-gerbil incident...

~ cue wobbly soap opera-style flashback effect ~

 We arrive approximately 25 years ago in the family home of The Host, The Sisters DeVice and The Parents. Specifically, in the living room, upon a large, brown, corduroy settee where the aforemention Host and Sisters are sat in front of the telly:

 "But it's true!" Inexcuseable protested with more than a hint of whine in her voice (Don't worry, it was non-alcoholic, after all, she was only about eight).
 "Then why hasn't anyone but you seen it?" I asked her, scratching my arm absently. Indescribable just sat gormlessly glued to the telly, oblivious to the heated conversation going on next to her.
 "Because they lived under the piano in the dining room!" This statement could not really be argued with as the dining room was barely used what with housing the Infernal Piano of Doom and all.
 "What do you mean 'they lived'?"
 "Well" and the way she said 'well' followed by a deep breath meant that she had a long and somewhat preposterous story coming up. "I accidently dropped one of the gerbils an' it was pregant an' it exscaped into the dining room an' it went under the piano an' it had its babies an' the ones it didn't eat sucked her dry 'cos she didn't have any food to make more milk an' I couldn't catch them an' then they died an' now their little skellingtons are under the piano an' I've seen them. So there."
 My mind finished off respelling words adding punctuation marks to Inexcuseable's outburst but before I could reply, Indescribable bashed me in the ribs with her elbow. "Oi!" I yelled.
 "Shh! Telly" she muttered, rubbing the top of her leg though her rah-rah skirt and inadvertantly elbowed me again.
 I scratched the tickle on my arm again as I tried to remember what I was going to say, then an itch on my thigh distracted me further. Suddenly remembering what it was, I turned to Inexcuseable only to see her looking at me with a smug look slapped across her face. "What?" I demanded.
 "Y'know how when you kill a spider or fly or sumfing an' then afterwards the itches you get are their ghosts tormentin' you?" she answered but didn't say any more, clearly wanting an acknowledgement from me.
 "Well, I can prove the gerbil exscaped." My mind respelled some more.
 "Go on then!"
 "Look through the real to see the spider-ghosts" she said.
 "But we haven't killed any since finding out about their ghosts" I replied, slightly mystified.
 "Just do it!" she demanded.
 I sighed and then relented, focusing my sight through what was real and out the other side. And jumped. "Jinkies!" (we watched a lot of Scooby Doo).
 Crawling over the three of us were the faded little ghosts of two young gerbils. They scampered across our legs and over our arms, scrabbled up Indescribable's bat-wing jumper and jumped across our shoulders.   
 Breaking through her TV-induced stupor for a brief moment, still oblivious to what was happening around her, Indescribable announced: "T-Bag and the Revenge of the T-Set is on next", and we all settled down to watch the show, hoping that the irritating Sally Simpkins would get her comeuppance, and forgetting all about the fading ghostly gerbils.

~ cue an even wobblier flashforward effect ~

 Actually, after looking back, I think that's the real reason Indescribable palmed Gerbil DeVice off on me: She didn't want to deal with its little ghost! She obviously wasn't that oblivious after all.

"Blasted invisible barrier! Why isn't this rodent scared of me?"


* Yep. You won, LX!


Sunday, August 18, 2013

Star Trek Six: The Uniform Discovered

While I was preparing and researching the last post on my 'Stats' page, I had a look at the 'Referring URLs' section. And lo, at number six, with 131 referred pageviews, was this site:

To save you the bother of link-clicking, it appears my Star Trek uniform designs have been recognised! This is what the poster posted on 5th May 2011:

Okay, so browsing the forums this evening, I came across a reference to the U.S.S. Relativity uniform.. I'd forgotten what it looked like so I did a Google search, and came across these... 1, 2, 3, 4

Now, I don't know this person from Adam... but I really.. really like the look of the uniforms displayed.

So.. as a suggestion... would you guys at Cryptic maybe contact this guy? See if he'd be interested in working with you, or selling his ideas for uniforms in game?

There is much hullabaloo regarding the *lack* of 2409 Uniforms, and although I am aware that there is an announcement regarding the Jupiter uniform series, I feel that more options would be better.

Anyone else like the looks of these? And would anyone else like to see them in game?

Saith, and Jolan'tru


And this is the post that garnered the 131 pageviews:

Again, to save your clicking-finger from wearing down to a nubbin, here are the uniform designs - in colour! - complete with 'hideous back stripe' (you'll have to read the forum for the 'hideous' reference. Don't worry, it's only two pages):

Needless to say, I haven't been contacted by anyone from Cryptic wanting to buy my designs, or work with me in adapting them for the game.


* Jolan tru is a greeting used by the Romulans.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Top 10 Searches, or: Battle of the Bulges!

In response to MJ's Top 10 Searches post, here are the top 10 not-quite-as-depraved search keywords of all time (in reverse order) that led people (and I use the term in the loosest possible term) to Inexplicable DeVice (the blog, not myselves):

10. Manticore
 Manticore infested biscuit tins must be more common than I thought?
"Ooh, I could murder a custard cream!"

9. Olympic bulges
 This must have something to do with Dinah or that chapeau de tin-foil created by Eros.


8. Connor Trinneer bulge
 This could be from any of a number of Trinneer-based posts - more down below (fnar fnar)!
"Bah! No one can see
my abs in this top."
7. Chris Pine naked
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below
"Are you stalking me again, IDV?"

6. Ryan Kwanten bulge
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below

5. Alien Queen
They must have been after MJ...


4. Chris Pine bulge
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below

3. Bulges
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below

2. Jared Padalecki bulge
 See the number one visited po-  Good gods, I'm sick of writing that bloody sentence!

1. Connor Trinneer
 And here he is in all his buff and bulging glory!

"Mmmm... I'm so buff!"
"Wow! You *are* buff!"
"Sigh... And pretty, too."

Gah! I've read and typed the word 'bulge' so many times now that it has lost all meaning and looks ridiculous!

~ ~ ~

And now for the Top 3 visited posts of all time here at Inexplicable DeVice...

3. An unexpected 'guest'
 I have absolutely no idea why this post should have garnered 2,248 visits?

Just smile and look
elegant, Margo.
This nastiness will
soon be over with.
2. 2008 in review
 Well, Connor-in-his-underwear is bound to be a draw! 4,595 people can't be wrong.

"Shit! Here comes IDV again. Better hide."

1. 2009: A review
 So, here it is: The source of the 15,763 'bulge' searches. Take a bow Chris Pine, Ryan Kwanten and Jared Padalecki!

Oh, and Tim, of course!

P.S. I would have posted this on the same day that MJ did hers, but we lost the interwebs here at Castlette DeVice.