Saturday, March 28, 2015

Devour her heart

 Ug. There's so much racket that I can barely hear myself think, nevermind come up with something worth posting.

 Claudine!  Claudine!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Just out of grasp

Warlock's new clothes by Emperor Chic
Body by Mac Robinson
 Oof! Sorry I'm late. I've been trying to excuse myselves from ageing another year, to no avail, sadly. Someone said that one is only as old as the man one feels, but Broom couldn't catch up to the hoe-riding studly young warlock from the next village, so I'm stuck with feeling my actual age.


Babyzilla says: Hands off! This lot is mine!
 Still, it's not been so bad. At least there was an excuse to eat cake! And plenty of it - along with a sumptuous afternoon tea at Lily's Tearoom. The Ladies of Lily's outdid themselves once again; providing delightful delectables for the whole family, enough even to satiate Babyzilla!

 Plus, there were no nymphs in sight. That Banish really works wonders!


Saturday, March 14, 2015

Join my united Zoid army or DIE!*

 Well, here we are again with another update on books read so far this year. As usual, you don't have to take much heed, as this is just a memory aid for when I do the Coven Awards at the end of the year.

 Right. On with the show, then!

11. First Frontier (Star Trek), by Diane Carey and Dr. James I. Kirkland

 Star Trek and dinosaurs! What could be better?

 Actually, this novel could be better. While the composite parts of it are entertaining/intriguing/wondrous/slash-fic (urgh, thanks, Diane), they don't come together to create  a coherent sum. All-in-all, a surprisingly scientific (I imagine thanks must go to Dr Kirkland for that), but light & fluffy read.

If this is a fairy story,
it's akin to one of the
original Grimm tales
12. Animal Farm, by George Orwell

 I found this a bookcase at The Parents' and managed to nab it before Indescribable got her paws on it. I'd heard of it, naturally, but only had the vaguest idea of what it was about (I don't recall seeing the animated film when I was younger, although there's a good chance I might have done). Suffice it to say, that I was bitterly disappointed that there wasn't a happy ending, despite being aware of George's other works (I'm looking at you, 1984). If this was a TV show, I'd've been shouting at the screen before giving up and changing the channel to something more light-hearted. Friends, for example. What a horrible - but well written and observed - book.

13. The Mysterious Maid Servant, by Barbara Cartland

 This was an amusing gift from the late SP that I had forgotten about until I found it while clearing out some drawers. I'd never read anything by Dame Barbara before, so I thought I'd give it a try.
 While hardly Pulitzer worthy, it's not quite as bad as the novels of Dame Sally Markham...

14. Beam Me Up, Scotty, by James Doohan (with Peter David)

 Yes, this is Doohan's autobiography, and no, it's not a Star Trek novel. Although, a small part of it is Star Trek-related, obviously.
 In fact, the Star Trek part is probably the least interesting. Doohan doesn't go into any great depth or detail about his time with Star Trek, probably because it's all been said before by other authors and biographers. Instead, we are treated to Doohan's early family life; his experiences in England during World War II (in particular his part in the D-Day landing at Normandy); his first forays into acting; being typecast as Scotty; his friendship with Gene Roddenberry and Leslie Nielsen (amongst others); and his three marriages. 
 This is not a tell-all type biography, rather it is like a general overview of his life. A bit like an appetiser, I suppose? But there's no main course to follow, which is a shame, as the life of James Doohan seems to have been anything but dull!

15. The Woman Who Died A Lot, by Jasper Fforde

 The seventh novel in the Thursday Next series, and the first one I actually read. I totally judged this book by its cover which is why I bought it at the end of 2013 (along with The Long Earth, by Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter). It was the first book I read in 2014, and I've just finished reading it again having read the first six books in the series throughout 2014 and 2015. It makes more sense now I have knowledge of what had happened before and it is still my favourite in the series.

16. Zoids Annual, published by Marvel/Grandreams

 Having spent an hour or so caught up in the Zoids wiki with no recollection of how I go there, I remembered that I have a box of Zoids in the loft which includes the Zoids Annual. Before procrastination or forgetfulness could kick in, I was up the ladder into the roof-space trying to find the box that contained my Zoids amongst the boxes that contained a myriad of other items (Transformers, books, Christmas decorations, old school work, tea sets etc).
 Once found, it was a quick read having only 62 pages, but the stories and artwork hold up surprisingly well. There's even one of those multiple-choice story-game things where you progress through the story depending upon the roll of a die. I rolled a 1 to begin which meant I played the game as Gore. Despite being one of the most powerful Blue Zoids and destroying a Hellrunner, a Red Zark, and a Z-Ray, I came a cropper after rolling a 3 and getting blown up by two more Z-Rays. Bummer.

* Post title from page 31.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Why do birds suddenly appear?

 No, really. Why do they?

 I only popped out to get the washing in and got divebombed by a flock of starlings. It's a good job I wasn't wearing my Tippi Hedren wig otherwise I'd've been combing feathers and claws out of it for weeks!
 If he wasn't on holiday, I'd put this down to Beaky.

 Still, at least the flock wasn't the size of this murmuration:

Sunday, March 08, 2015


 How embarassing. I've just discovered that I've been mistaken for a UFO!

~ ~ ~

 I was flying back from Svaathor's last night - he'd invited me 'round to look over his latest research into the family tree and to sample his newest muffin recipe - and, feeling peckish, decided to partake of one of the oat & apple muffins he'd packed up for me. I should have known better than to even attempt to open a tightly sealed Tupperware container while flying. Especially after previous attempts didn't go that well...

 Having extricated a torch from a pocket in my flightsuit, I had set about rummaging in my bag for the Tupperware encased muffins. Once found, I settled the container on my lap and set about opening it.

 Now, I don't know how many of you have attempted to open a Tupperware container while perched on a broom hurtling over the countryside in the middle of the night, but it's not easy. After struggling to do it one-handed while holding the torch in my other hand, I popped the torch in my mouth and set to the box with both hands. 

 And what a disaster that turned out to be.

 I yanked the lid off, but accidently knocked the torch out of my mouth with it, and watched in mild annoyance as the torch plummeted to earth turning end over end, the beam pirouetting like an out of control lighthouse. Needing some sort of illumination to ensure that nothing else had fallen overboard, I contemplated a spell to provide light but could only think of Hesprat's Incomparable Conflagration Hex. Quickly rejecting it as overkill, and being unable to think of any less explosive spell, the only remaining option was to charge the thaumic field surrounding Broom. So I rummaged once more in my bag, eventually finding Wand at the bottom, a bit sticky and covered in dust, crumbs and a couple of Fox's Glacier Fruits wrappers. Shaking off the detritus, I held Wand out until the tip came into contact with Broom's thaumic field causing a muted glow to surround us.

 Of course, that was the ideal time to hit some turbulence.

 As Broom pitched and yawed uncontrollably, the thaumic field's glow sputtered before finally giving out and plunging us into darkness once more. However, by this time I could see the lights of Cromer spread out a mile or so away, so I gave up on the notion of in-flight sustenence and directed Broom home to Castlette DeVice.

~ ~ ~

 So, this morning as I went outside to feed the birds, Inexcuseable was leaning over the fence talking to her sister-in-law's husband (they live next door). Anyway, he was telling her about the UFO he spotted approaching Cromer as he was driving back from Norwich last night. I just smiled in greeting and hurriedly went back indoors.


Thursday, March 05, 2015


Continued from...  Glitter is Forever

 Goldfing-longerer, Gay Day and the Crimson Pussy had just entered the rear of the foyer from the patio doors when the ornate front door and its majestic marble surround exploded inward. When the dust had settled, an old and battered wedge-shaped car could be made out amongst the rubble. With some difficulty - and much bickering, by the sound of it - the car doors opened to disgorge the passengers.
Moneyprinny's Austin Princess
 "Look what you've done to my front door!" Goldfing-longerer shrieked, waving his gold fing-longer around willy-nilly. Gay Day ducked as the bannister, a display table and a Plastic "no-tackle" Tim were all turned to gold after taking glancing blows.
 "Calm down, GFL" Crimson Pussy soothed.
 A pile of plasterboard, marble chippings and flock wallpaper near the gaping hole at the front of the house collapsed to reveal Goldfing-longerer's long-suffering manservant and henchman. Spodjob picked up his bowler hat and dusted it off before placing it carefully on his head. Then he narrowed his eyes at the car and its passengers and sighed.
 "Jane Bond, sir" he announced, turning to Goldfing-longerer. "Fräulein Moneyprinny, X, und Herrin Mastercard." 
 "What did he say?" Gay Day asked. "I can't understand a word that comes out of his mouth. I don't know why you keep him on."
 "Oh, hush, Gay Day."
 "'Ere, what 'appened to your Austin Mistress?" the Crimson Pussy asked, her voice carrying across to the gathered MJ6 agents.
 "Ah, yes, well" X began. "The glovebox's vodka fountain ran dry after a couple of miles, so we took Moneyprinny's Austin Princess instead."
 "What are we standing around for?" Maddie Mastercard yelled. "Get them!"
 "Maddie, no!" Bond commanded, but it was to no avail. Maddie Mastercard, caught up in the need for vengeance after her brother had been turned to gold or possibly because she wanted to be turned into gold herself, took off across the foyer towards the villains.
 "Leave this to me" Crimson Pussy purred as she moved towards the control panel under the grand staircase.
 Mastercard looked the Crimson Pussy up and down, sneering at the faux fur draped around her shoulders. "Where did you fly in from? Luton airport?"
 "'Ere, there's nuffink wrong wiv Luton airport!"
Pit of Crocs
 Maddie Mastercard only managed to get half way across the foyer before the floor opened up beneath her. She screamed in terror as she plummeted through the trapdoor. 
 Bond peered into the pit, steeling herself to see Mastercard being ripped apart by sharks, tigers or some other hideous Beast, but what greeted her caused her to recoil in horror. "You monster!" 
Maddie Mastercard had met a practical and comfortable doom by being dumped unceremoniously in a pit of Crocs.

 To one side of the pit, Gay Day advanced on Bond's group, flinging handful after handful of razor-edged sequins at them. Moneyprinny caught every single one of the airborne sequins, expertly spearing them with the needle and thread she held in each hand. By the time the now sequinless villain had reached her, Moneyprinny was armed with ribbons of glittering sequins. She used them to bind up the flabbergasted Gay Day until the stunned villain looked like a giant sparkling chrysalis. Gay Day screeched with rage and called upon her legion of Glitterboys.
 "Oh, give it a rest" Moneyprinny said turning her gaze back from the slightly ajar door to the cupboard under the stairs. "I think your Glitterboys are otherwise engaged."

 Bond and Goldfing-longerer rolled their eyes and retired to the veranda leaving their various henchpersons and hangers-on squabbling amongst themselves. 
Eye-rolling courtesy of George Clooney
 "So. Who have we got left?"
 "Moneyprinny, Crimson Pussy and X, I think"  Bond said.
 "What happened to Spodjob?"
 "Oh, I think he fell into the Croc pit while reading some technical stuff that X gave him. Sorry."
 "I suppose we'd better intervene before there's no one left to top up our drinks" Goldfing-longerer sighed. "Another Jamesontini?"
 "Shaken this time, GFL. I don't want it stirred by your fing-longer!"

The End

Jane Bond ~ MJ
Goldfing-longerer ~ IDV
Crimson Pussy ~ Ms Scarlet
Miss Moneyprinny ~ Princess
X ~ XL
Maddie Mastercard ~ Mistress Maddie
Gay Day ~ 'Petra

Spodjob ~ Mago
N ~ Norma
The various Plastic "no-tackle" Tims ~ Tim

Special Appearance by
"Mr 'Swings" Mastercard ~ Eroswings

Sunday, March 01, 2015

The Stepford Houseboys

 I'll get to posting our adventures in Goldfing-longerer soon, but I'm currently lost in a good book...

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Glitter is Forever

The Gincuzzi (slice of lime not pictured)
  "Sigh... Can I not have a moments peace?"
From the Gincuzzi in his mountain-top lair, Goldfing-longerer used his gold fing-longer to mute the sound from the episode of Ugly Betty that was playing on the crystal ball that was hovering over the gently bubbling gin & tonic he was reclined in. The Increasingly Displeased Villain scowled as one of his Plastic "no-tackle" Tim lackeys informed him that one of the neighbouring villains was at the front door.
A Plastic "no-tackle" Tim minion
 Shifting position to more easily extricate himself from the Gincuzzi, he suddenly started. "Oooh!" and fished around beneath the foaming surface with a look of surprised concentration on his face. "Ah, ha!" He pulled out a slice of lime, and held it aloft triumphantly. "Well, that certainly has rather put an end to my relaxation. I suppose I'd better do something about this visitor. Help me out, then!" Two more gold-panted Plastic Tims eased Goldfing-longerer from the tub while simultaneously wrapping him up in a bath robe and trying not to see everything.

~ ~ ~

Barbara Cartland's Gold Orbit hat
  A few minutes later, and fully dressed, Goldfing-longerer met his guest in the foyer with an air-kiss.
 "Ah, Gay Day" he said to the statuesque visitor, "do come in."
 "Thank you, GFL. Have you got somewhere to put my hat?" With a dismissive wave, Gay Day indicated the general vicinity of the front door where a towering gold chapeau leaned precariously outside.
 "Uh... I'll have one of the Tims take care of it. Wherever did you get it from?"
 "Oh, it was one of Barbara Cartland's. I got it from that garage sale she held when her book sales nose-dived." And with that, Gay Day swept into the foyer and headed towards the veranda leaving a trail of glitter and sequins in her wake.
~ ~ ~

Disco tea (via Aych)
 A little while later, having been set up with a Disco Tea on the veranda that overlooked the exquisite gardens, Goldfing-longerer and Gay Day were gossiping plotting world domination when they were interrupted by a flying saucer landing on the lawn in a space between a couple of Airstream trailers.
 "Ah. The Crimson Pussy's finally back" Gay Day noted as the final character of their triumverate sashayed down the ramp of the 'saucer discarding her faux-fur hooded parka on the way.
 "I see you managed to drag yourself away from that Tarot, Pussy."
 "And hello to you, too, GFL" Pussy replied. "Gay Day."
 "Pussy" Gay Day sneered.
 The Crimson Pussy poured herself a cup of glitter, but didn't sit down.
 "I've come to warn you that Bond and her cronies are on their way here" she said.
 "Well, what did you expect? That MJ6'd just ignore a load of gold corpses?"
 "Yes? Well, they were accidents, after all."
 "Ha!" Gay Day nearly choked on a glitterball.
Too embarassed to show his face after
being discovered at one of Gay Day's
glitter parties (via)
 "You can laugh" Pussy said. "They also found that poor Houseboy of yours who you tried to drown in your glitter pool."
 "Where are they now?" Goldfing-longerer asked.
 The Crimson Pussy looked at her watch, her glossy, scarlet lips moving slightly as she did some calculations in her head. "Probably at your front door, by now."

To be continued in... Goldfing-longerer

Saturday, February 21, 2015

On The Mistress's Secret Service

 "I thought I'd find you here, Bond"
 The figure propped up at the bar, straightened slightly but didn't turn around to face her addresser.
 "Mmmm" Bond slurred, slugging down the dregs of a Jameson's.
 "N, actually. Now, come on, I've got a mission for you. We're going back to headquarters."
 Bond sighed and slouched out of the Irish bar after N, adjusting her character turban on the way.
 "Hurry up, Bond. I borrowed Cookie's Chrysler New Yorker as my car's in the 'shop, and he'll be livid if I don't get it back in time for the Concours d'Elegance."

~ ~ ~

 The Chrysler pulled in at MJ6 headquarters, slowing down but not stopping, to disgorge Bond, who staggered from the moving automobile.
 "I would say I'm sorry about that, Bond, but I'd be lying" N shouted from the open rear window as the car pulled away. "Go in and see my secretary for the mission details and to get kitted out." And with that, the chauffeur driven car roared off.
 Inside, Bond walked into a suite of offices, and was confronted with N's secretary.
 "Mish Moneyprinny" Bond slurred, the Jameson's still evident.
 Moneyprinny looked up from her sewing machine, her mouth full of pins. She turned her head to the left slightly and blew the pins out with a helping flick from her tongue. Bond flinched as they shot past and embedded themselves with deadly accuracy into a picture of some garden gnomes that was stuck to the door she'd just walked through.
 "Ah, hello Jane" Moneyprinny smiled. "N found you, then."
 "It would appear so, eh" Bond replied, turning back from the be-pinned gnomes. "That's quite a tongue you have there, Moneyprinny."
 "Well, it may have been a few years since I was out in the field, but one never forgets how to blow a mouthful of pricks!"
 "Quite" Bond said. "So, you have my mission?"
 "Oh, yes. Just a minute." Moneyprinny rifled through some drawers under her desk, pulling out all manner of sewing implements and, bizarrely, several jars of apricots. Eventually, she handed over a buff-coloured file, the front of which was marked 'Top Secret'. Or it would have been had the rings of apricot syrup from the jar bases not obliterated it. "Here you are."
Drama queen!
 Bond gingerly took the sticky file and opened it up, revealing pages of data and a photo of a male nude statue in gold. A closer glance revealed the statue to be a gold-painted man, and not just any man. It was her latest liaison, 'Mr Swings' Mastercard, and he'd been nobbled! 
 Just then the phone rang. Moneyprinny took one look at the caller ID display and rolled her eyes. "It's mother" she explained and gestured for Bond to go through the double doors on the right. "He's expecting you. I'll meet you outside in a bit."

~ ~ ~

 The chair swung around revealing a man stroking two scarily intelligent-looking cats that were sitting contentedly in his lap. 
 "Who are you?" Bond demanded suddenly sobering up. "And where's Q?"
 "Um... Well... I'm X" the man said peering at Bond over the top of his wire-framed glasses. "Q popped out for lunch, so I'm just filling in until he gets back."
 Bond narrowed her eyes at the unexpected interloper as he stroked his pussies.
 "When did he leave?" she asked, reasoning that as everyone in MJ6 got an hour for lunch, Q may not be much longer as it was nearly 2pm now.
 "Three months ago" sighed X.
 "Oh. So he probably won't be back by two, then?"
 "I doubt it."
 "Look" Bond said, "This all seems very suspicious. You're not the villain, are you?"
 "Me?" X looked aghast. "Certainly not!" Then the penny dropped. "Oh... The swivel chair, the cat-stroking, the little glasses... Heh! Yes, I can see why you'd think that."
 X rose from his chair, the cats leaping from his lap to disappear amongst the various inventions and contraptions scattered about the cavernous room. "Follow me, Bond. I'll show you your latest accoutrements."

~ ~ ~

Paradise in an AM DB5
 "And this is the automatic pillow-fluffer" said X handing over a small device to Bond as they walked out of the foyer of MJ6 Headquarters. Bond passed the plaid gun she was inspecting to Moneyprinny who had met them outside. "And that" X continued, pointing at a leopard-skin upholstered convertible parked nearby, "is your MistressMobile - an Austin Mistress DB5. It comes complete with wipe-clean seats, a miniature vodka fountain in the glovebox, and an inflatable Oubliette in the trunk.
 A noise like deflating bagpipes suddenly got everyone's attention.
This was followed by a commotion amongst various pedestrians across the road. Several had fainted and at least two of them weren't even stuck-up old snobs! The rest of the civilians had their hands clamped to their faces, covering their bleeding eyes.
The results of messing around with a Plaid-
Gun without checking that the safety is on...
 "Dear gods!" Bond snapped. "What have you done, Moneyprinny?"
 "It just went off in my hand! I barely touched it!"
 "And look what it's done to their hair."
 "I'm pretty sure it didn't do that. Their hair must have been that bad beforehand" said X.
 Ignoring the unfolding drama, Bond pulled her red character turban more snugly against her head and got in the drivers seat of the MistressMobile. X and Moneyprinny squabbled over the front passenger seat, with X losing out and having to sit in the back. Moneyprinny looked smug as Bond started the engine and pulled away.
 "Wait! Wait!" came a voice from outside the car.
Bond pulled over and lowered the window. "Yes?" she said to the approaching figures, both of whom looked a little over made-up for normal daytime business. "What do you want?"
 "My Mistress wants to go with you." The almost out of breath 'woman' nearest the car dropped the various travel cases she had carried pell-mell up the street. "She- She knows things."
 "Quiet Anitia!" the second 'woman' snapped as she approached. Unlike Anitia, she had declined to run and wasn't carrying anything except for a small, rather exquisite clutch.
 "She's in one of those moods" Anitia whispered to Bond with a roll of her eyes before being shoved aside by her companion.
 "I have information that can help you."
 Bond narrowed her eyes. "What kind of information, and why would you want to help us?" 
 "Because 'Mr Swings' was my brother! I am Maddie Mastercard."
 "I see. So, what about this information?"
 "Well, that's a little more complicated, but I know certain things about where you're going..."
 "Oh, get in, then. But you'll have to sit in the back with X."
 Anitia opened the back door and Maddie barged her aside, grimacing at the close confines within. "There's no room for you, Anitia. You'll have to stay behind. Now, just put my things in the trunk and go and find a cheap motel to stay in." 

To be continued in... Glitter is Forever

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Cakes through the ages

 As you may know, I'm not one to pass up a little procrastination if circumstances warrant, so, with that in mind - and a hundred and one far more important things to do - I thought I'd make a record of (some) of the cakes I've made through the years.

 Please look past the poor photography and so-so cakes- Wait! That doesn't leave anything to look at!

 Ah, well. Here goes anyway...

An After Eight cake for a girly night in

Inexcuseable's (lopsided looking) wedding cake (June 2007)
A Little Cake (May 2008)

An accidental cake (July 2008)
Tazzy's birthday cake (August 2008)

Birthday brownies for The Mother (August 2009)
Butterflies & marzipan cerises (May 2010)

Inexcuseable's sister-in-law's wedding cake.
Cake made by her non-wicked step-mother and
decorated by Inexcuseable and myselves (June 2010)
Hen Day cupcakes and buns (July 2010)
A friend's wedding cakes (August 2011)
The Mother's birthday cake (August 2010)
A secret for SP (September 2010)
Decorated in boredom (March 2011)
More decorated in boredom (March 2011)
Lemon & coconut buns (March 2011)

A Huntsman's birthday cake (May 2011)
Indescribable's wedding cake (May 2011)
The Parent's ruby wedding anniversary cupcakes (December 2012)
1st anniversary cake for Inexcuseable's place of work (November 2014)