Thursday 31 January 2008

I didn't do it

Now, contrary to public opinion (Eeeeucch! The public), these are some of the things I did not do whilst in London:

Tube cruising
Get plastic surgery
Or botox
See The Queen
'See' any queens
Scope out a man* (that's 'scope', not 'scoop'...)
Dye my grey - not ginger - hair
Buy a dodgy syrup
Be an escort or 'travelling companion'
Girlishly scream: EEEEEEK!
Write the next post - I'll do it tomorrow

I did, however, forget myself and have fun. Christ, I was even happy for nearly 24 consecutive hours! And, I didn't spend any money. Which was handy, because I didn't have any. I have now though, as today is payday.

* Despite waiting on the corner of Oxford St. and Regent St. outside H&M for a good 15 minutes. I think all the hot men must've still been at home in Shepperton...

Monday 28 January 2008

A memory of things to come

Ooh, I've just remembered something. Back in a couple of days or so...

Sunday 27 January 2008


Now, I did want to respond to your comments from the previous post, but Can't-Be-Arsedness took over. I mean, there's 16 of them now, for goodness sakes! Besides, ErosWings has replied to a few and the rest of you seem to be fixated on penis euphemisms - Tim, Skillz and Dinah, I'm surprised at you! Poor T-Bird has come an old south cropper - She's going to need some serious fannage to recover.

I was going to get to a point, but I can't remember what it is now. I suppose it might have been something to do with the fact that MJ has turned up again, like the proverbial bad penny that she is.

Oh, I don't know. Amuse yourselves for a bit while I try and remember stuff.

Friday 25 January 2008

I must dictate a most crucial memo!*

Ah ha! A meme - What fun! However, I fear I'll not be able to top Snooze's #2 on her list - Go and have a look, do.

1) Link to the person who tagged you
2) Post the rules
3) List six seemingly unimportant habits or quirks about yourself
4) Tag six other people and post the tag in the comments on their blogs

1. I always say "hello" to Car when I get in, and "thank you" when I get out. Sometimes I lovingly pat the side of the centre console, too. Well, if I'm nice to Car, Car shouldn't break down and leave me stranded somewhere, right?

2. I can never bring myself to kill the snails in my garden who demolish my hostas. Instead, I put them in the wheelie bin. I know that they'll get crushed to death in the dust cart** but its not me that actually kills them, so that's OK.
However, I have no qualms about cutting slugs in half with the edge of my trowel. Disgusting little muck-monsters!

3. I feel wretched if I have to turn off the stereo while it's halfway through playing a track, be it on the radio or on a CD. I have to wait until the song finishes , then I can switch it off and leave the house or get out of Car, depending where I've got the stereo on.

4. Saying "Shit" amuses me. Not as an alternative to poo, but as a swear. I think it's because The Mother used to say it a lot when my sisters and I were young. We knew it was rude, but found it funny to hear an authority figure say it.

5. I can't abide cauliflower but I do like broccoli.

6. This might be because I'm a Gayer, but I have a horrible memory when it comes to female faces. I can remember names and birthdays and mens faces but not the girls. I have to meet them at least five or six times before it starts sinking in. I worry that I ignore quite a lot of girls I know by walking straight past them in the street. If they're with their boyfriends, that's a different matter!

Right. I'm going to tag Tim, CyberPoo, ErosWings, KyahGirl, Gledwood and Tatas. But not right now as I'm off to work. I'll do it at lunchtime or after work, unless you've already been here and realised you've been tagged.

* Does anyone know, or can anyone guess who said this? Bonus points if you know where she was at the time.
** Biffa lorry or garbage truck.

Wednesday 23 January 2008

Ding Dong, the Bitch is dead!

Well, OK, she's not dead, but what the Hell possessed MJ to close (not her legs, obviously. Or her gob, for that matter)?

Answers in the comments, please.

Monday 21 January 2008

Short of space

Somewhere in the south of England, they lurk!

Actually, they're more than likely nestled in the more than ample bosom of Tatas.

I'm going to have to redo this blasted map, as it's becoming more and more fuzzy. For those of you who want the low-down on The 'Shorts history, click here (thanks MJ).

And no one else from the UK had better win them as there's not enough room! Come on you 'Straylians - I want to see more effort from south of the equator!

Sunday 20 January 2008

47.8 mpg!

So the government thinks that nasty old petrol engined cars are gas guzzling monstrosities that spew out noxious fumes by the tank-load? Ha!

Car has just proved that it's not a greedy planet-killer by averaging 47.8mpg on the trip to see The Parents today. And again on the way back! It would've been 49.5mpg on the return journey, but some retarded spacker drivers held me up by dithering at junctions, not a mile from my home, bringing the average back down. And I wasn't driving like an old woman, either. I kept up with the traffic and even had loads of power draining things going, like lights, windscreen wipers, climate control and CD player (playing Shakespears Sister quite loudly)!

The government regulated, manufacturers quoted average miles per gallon figure for a 2.0 litre Alfa 156, is 33 mpg. That's 33! Car has trounced that figure by slightly exceeding the figure quoted for the 1.9l diesel version at 47mpg.

Who's a good Car, then? Who is? Yes, you! I love you, Car!

Right, The Government. Where's my road tax refund?

Thursday 17 January 2008

A stitch in time can be a bloody bugger.

Gaahhh! So much to do, yet so little time!

Where in the worlds does time go?

* mmmmph *

* rrrrrgg *

* mmmmff *

* eep *

Ah. I see. There's a hole in the space/time continuum behind my kitchen sink. That's where it's all going. Seeping away into another universe.

I'll be jiggered if I have to get Chronosfear in to sort it out. Maybe Continuity Girl can help?


Tuesday 15 January 2008

As if I haven't got enough to contend with...

Inexplicably, I've just been left with an armed tricobalt device (no relation).

I rushed around the house in a flap, tossing the thing from one hand to the other - something the SubC's should've stopped me from doing, as they know full well how rubbish I am at catching.
At last, my eyes fell upon Apocalypse Oven. Ah well, I thought, it's better than just sitting on it and hoping for the best. So I opened the oven door and threw the device in before slamming the door shut and leaping into the dining room! Surely it must be able to withstand a blast capable of shattering a small planet?

* muffled boom *

Yes. It could!

However, my Marks and Spencers chocolate fudge pudding, which was in Oven at the time, wasn't quite so resiliant...

I bet you're wondering how such a destructive device came to appear in my home? Well, I'd like to know, too!


* shuffling of metaphorical feet *

I'll be visiting your blogs later to catch up with you all. That is, once I've cleared up the mess.
And got some answers from the SubC's...

Sunday 13 January 2008


For MJ: Wax my sack!

For Tim, the few other male breeders and the lesbionica: Autumn "Oops! I forgot my brain/knickers/whatever" Reeser.

For T-Bird and the faithful: The charming Jake Gyllenhaal.

I'll be back in a couple of days or so...

Friday 11 January 2008

I am still here...

... I'm just very busy.

And in between the bouts of business are periods of laziness and frustration.

I shall post something of substance soon.

Maybe tomorrow...

Monday 7 January 2008

"And do you remember this one..."

Prompted by that moaning mugwump MJ, the following video lasts for ten minutes and twenty five seconds. THAT'S 10:25 SECONDS MJ!!

She probably won't watch it...

Saturday 5 January 2008

Thursday 3 January 2008


Some of you may be wondering why January 1st's post is reserved. The others of you probably don't give a fig.

To be honest, I don't really know why it's reserved myself. I think one of the SubC's did it, but they're both being tight lipped about it. The Host isn't that much more talkative either.
Tuesday was a bit of a non-starter for all intents and purposes. Well, except for the purpose of starting off 2008, which it did rather well considering it was the first day of the first month and all that.
No, it was a non-starter for me - And not because New Year's Eve was spent getting drunker than SID on St. Patrick's Day. It was a bit of a vague, not-really-there day and it is quite vexing not to know why.
The Host's SubC did say something about a premonition, which, quite frankly, is preposterous. After all, witches don't have premonitions. They either know the future or they don't. It's as simple as that.

So, until they relent, January 1st will remain reserved.


Tuesday 1 January 2008