Tuesday 29 May 2007

10 things that cheer me up

I feel a bit better now. Mostly because I'm no longer at poxy work, the sun showed its face briefly, I've just spoken to one of my best friends on the phone and, with this post, I'll have eclipsed my previous record of 15 posts in a month!

Anyway, here're somethings that cheer me up. Not my definitive top ten, and not in any particular order...

1. Shameless eFlirting. Especially with Tim because he's such a pretty boy (especially now he's had his nails done!) and a good sport with it. Actually, I'm not so much flirting as blatant. Sorry.

2. Sshhhhhhh... Don't tell them this, but the vile insults from John & Martin and MJ make me laugh! Unless they're so horrifying that I'm momentarily stunned.

3. Damian Lewis when he sometimes pops up at T-Bird's.

4. Whenever Spike says "DeVice dear".

5. Pretty much anything that Funny Thing posts because, after all, she is a very funny thing.

6. Goldfrapp's Ride A White Horse, the Ewan Pearson Disco Odyssey parts one & two.

7. Seann William Scott.

8. Swimming under water.

9. Pottering about in the garden and discovering new growth, or a new flower, on an old, or forgotten, plant.

10. Seeing kids fall over. Damagingly hard!

Ooog! Sorry about the atrocious colours. The link-thingies didn't show up so I changed the colours but they're not right, and I can't be bothered to back and change them again. Plus, I'm colour blind so there's no guarantee that, if I did, they'd be any better!

Yay! Sun's out again!


I'm in a mood. I hate work. I hate everyone at work! I wish they were all dead! No, I wish I was dead!

Well... deader.

* grumbles *

Sunday 27 May 2007


Oh. My. God.

I have just seen the most stunning man in all of creation! There I was just minding my own business, doing my shopping in Sainsbury's, when this... this Man rounded the aisle and nearly bumped into me. He looked me right in the eye, rendering me rooted to the spot, before sidestepping and rushing off towards the fruit and veg.
He looked somewhat like this, but taller, far better looking, slightly more muscular arms and cargo pants/combat trousers instead of the shorts:

My jaw dropped. I probably started drooling. If I wasn't holding onto my trolley I would have collapsed to the floor in a gibbering, twitching heap. As it was, I gibbered and twitched while leaning heavily on the trolley. I didn't know what to do. I still couldn't move. My brain started firing off all these commands at once until it shut down. I wanted to follow him but my legs wouldn't move. My heart was pounding in my throat. I watched, transfixed, as he made his way through the store. A woman came out of an aisle just as he was passing, and she too became rooted to the spot, her head swivelling as she tracked him, her knuckles were white as she gripped her trolley handle. I think she may have had a little 'o'! All across the store, people stood like statues, with only their heads moving to keep him in sight.

Just before he disappeared and I turned into a vegetable, the two Subconsci took over. Mine wanting to follow the Man, while Witchface's was all for getting out of there before we did something embarassing like falling at his feet to declare our undying love and devotion, and while we're down here... Mine eventually won the struggle and started manouevering our Body across the store somewhat like a lovestruck zombie. We found him near the cooking sauces looking somewhat lost. At this point IDV reasserted control and locked all our joints to prevent collapse. It also meant we looked very much like a shop window mannequin. He ignored us as he searched for whatever it was he was searching for. I tried speaking but all that came out was a barely audible "I... Oh... Oh... I... I... Oh..." etc. Then he was gone.

I don't know how much time passed before normal bodily functions became available again. I resumed shopping in a trance-like state. At one point, I found myself down the cat and dog food aisle looking for shoe laces! I tried to remember what I was supposed to be doing, but all I could recall was Mrs. Biddle's line in The Witches Of Eastwick: "This man out of absolutely nowhere, this man appeared. Heh! So charming. Not really handsome, but... riveting. Yes, that's the word. I was riveted. I was looking into his eyes, and I found myself thinking thoughts I hadn't entertained since World War II. I think I actually... blushed."

Somehow, I made it out of the store and to Car. I was in no fit state to drive, and I don't trust Car to drive itself in the wet - It's a bank holiday weekend here in Blighty, so of course it's tipping it down - so I was left with one option: "He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis" I repeated to myself again and again and again until the perfect memory of him was tainted. Managing to pull myself together, I drove home.

As I sit here typing this, I find myself thinking that I wasn't fooling anyone. It's probably MASSIVE!

Oh dear. I think I'm going to have to have a lie down or twelve...

Saturday 26 May 2007

Another Pop Quiz, Hotshots! Or...

... I'll show you mine, if you show me yours!

Which fictional character would you most like to be? I'd be T'Pol from Star Trek Enterprise. Why? Because she gets to do it with everybody's favourite body: Commander Charles "Trip" Tucker. AKA Connor Trinneer! Yum. Although, if and when I do get to be her, I want to be the Mirror Universe version with long hair, super-pout and 2269 USS Defiant mini-skirt uniform!

But, which one are you most like? Rincewind from the Discworld , or Ezri Dax from Deep Space Nine. Both have something overpowering lurking within them. Rincewind has one of the Octavo spells in his head that prevents him from memorising any other spells because they are too scared to share. Whereas Ezri has a 350 year old slug inside her with nine other personalities (10, if one includes Verad) all vying for attention. I suppose there might also be a smidgeon of Marc St. James, from Ugly Betty, when I'm having a Gay Day, much like Larry Grayson!

What about you IDV?

I don't know any fictional characters. Whenever I do become acquainted with one, it has this disconcerting tendancy of becoming real.
For instance, at this very moment, Dr. Frankenstein is in the cellar doing something unspeakable with 10,000 volts and a pan of over-boiled broccoli.

I wondered what that smell was. Speaking of which, what're we having for tea?

* rummages in the fridge *

I thought we were having kitten-en-croute with that broccol...


I see you've found the bowl of brains. Are you going to tell the good doctor, or shall I?

Senile, myopic old git...

See what I mean? What kind of aspirational character is that?

How are we going to get rid of him?

Well, I thought a well timed Daisy Duke-esque kick to his posterior as the old duffer's bending over to switch on the TV. With any luck, he'll fall through the inter-universal barrier into Stinky's Universe.

Excellent! Do you reckon we've put enough links in this post?

I think so. It should keep them going for a bit. We're so good at assisting with their procrastination.

But aren't we going to make them do something? Like answer the same questions we just have?

Oh, OK... Right you lot! Answer those 'fictional character' questions up there, either in the comments, or do a post of your own.

Friday 25 May 2007

Too late

Gah! I missed SEAT Leon Man this morning! As I was walking up my road, I saw him flash past the top on the main road.

I was only a couple of minutes later leaving this morning, too.

It was those pesky cabbage white caterpillars' fault. The Parents turned up yesterday evening for a snoop around, and The Father found a load of just-hatched caterpillars all over one of my plants. As I was far too lazy to get rid of them that night, I thought I'd do it this morning. Which I did. Picking the little blighters off the leaves and depositing them on the bird table, in the hope that Beaky and his pals would snap them up.

The annoying thing was today's a 'dress-down' day at work, i.e. jeans & T-shirt, as opposed to shirt & tie, and I wore my tightest red T-shirt in the hope of attracting Seat Leon Man's attention. Not to make him swerve off the road and plough into me, of course. Just a longer-than-normal glance would have done.

So now I'm all 'dressed-down' with no where to go!


Sunday 20 May 2007

Award ceremony

After the debacle with the flowers - see the comments for the last post - you'll have to put up with this mediocre Blog entry for the prize giving.

First off, the Honourable Mentions:

Tim, for Truly Outstanding Efforts In The Field Of Commenting: I won't direct any stalky, smutty, innuendo-type comments at you for a week. Or for as long as I can abstain. Of course, if you rip your shirt off to reveal - Oh no! You forgot to wear your Superman T-shirt underneath - then I can't be held responsible for the outcome. Besides, I'll have to fight my way through the hoards to get anywhere near stalking distance, so laziness will probably kick in and I won't bother.

Although, if that's the case, everyone else feel free to do a bit of Tim-stalking in my place (I told you I'd get you, Tim - Mwah hah hah hah ha!).

MJ, for the laziness and contempt grace and dignity you displayed in not taking part, I wish you'd stuck to your guns and, prize-wise, asked for nothing. Because that's what you shall receive in abundance!

And now for the winners:

S.I.D., for Displaying Truly Heroic Intrepiditude To Be The First, And Only, To Correctly Deduce That The First Reason For The Emergency Wedding Was, 3. "To tie the knot before impending death/reincarnation": I shall side with you in any altercations with M&J and MJ for the next week. Together, we'll be a formidable adversary, until unless you resort to the bottle and/or I get distracted with other things.

Spike, for Exceptional Valour And Monumental Deductive Reasoning In Explaining The Second Reason For The Emergency Wedding: I shall pimp your Blog. Now listen up everyone:

Don't let that delightful Blog of his fool you, Spike's as smutty and tawdry as they come (OK, so not down to M&J's 'standards'). Oh, yes, he may impress you with his amazing photography skills and wow you with his knowledge of Oz (Straylya, not "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto"). He may even have you "Oh, that's what it means"ing with his Ducktionary. But behind that lurks a Gayer of magnificent proportions*.

And that concludes this evenings festivities. Don't get eaten by this lot on the way out (thanks Spike!):

* I'm talking about his fingernails. Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan, eat your heart out!

Saturday 19 May 2007

And the winner is...

Jinkies! It's a tie!

The two winners in the Guess the Reasons for the Emergency Wedding Pop Quiz are: S.I.D. and Spike.

S.I.D. was first to guess correctly that 3. "To tie the knot before impending death/reincarnation" was one of the reasons. The bride and groom were both already dead - she was the one being reincarnated. In fact, she probably has been by now. Filling her nappy and projectile vomiting at anyone within range. That's if she was unlucky enough to come back as a human. Again.
They were married in life, you know, too. Oh, yes. Before he realised he liked A Stab In The Dark, of course. Even though they divorced pretty sharpish, they remained friends. Which is why they agreed to marry again now.

Spike was almost uncannily close with his explanation for 5. "To wit, a great-aunt of obscene wealth on her death-bed wills her entire fortune and 48 cocker spaniels in diamond collars to our groom provided he marries someone with the opposite tackle before she shuffles off this mortal coil." The only differences being: The aunt was a great great aunt; and there was only one cocker spaniel. She did have a collection of 47 diamond encrusted cocks, though. One from each of her husbands, surgically removed just before each one met his untimely end.

Special mention must go to Tim and his Just a guess... "Is the groom an illegal immigrant, here from one of the Baltic states and fleeing persecution as a political prisoner? His is a tale of daring and excitement, tinged with loss as he tried to help his entire family across the border, only to watch as they were picked off one-by-one by a grizled sniper with a sassy attitude and a false leg? Cradling his 92 year old grandmother Svetlana in his arms as her life ebbed away, she made him vow to escape to a better life - and to avenge them when the time was right.
Instead he came to Britain, where he was given a cracking benefits package, a house paid for by the taxpayer, and then got one of the locals up the duff after splashing his aforementioned benefits package out on a celebratory alcopop binge at the local Slug and Lettuce that ended in an awkward sexual encounter on the boot of a 1983 Ford Escort, where she grazed her right buttock on a patch of rust and ended the evening with a tetanus jab in A&E."

This was the kind of detailed explanation I was looking for, people! Of course, I wouldn't be friends with such a frightful couple, so there's no way I'd go to their wedding.
As for you, Tickers, copying, nose picking and daydreaming has only served to get you expelled.

Happy now, M and J?

Tuesday 15 May 2007

Pop Quiz, Hotshots!

And the Specialist Subject is: The Emergency Wedding

Now, despite me saying "Don't ask" when I mentioned I was on my way to an emergency wedding, in Night Fright on Saturday, you harangued me in your multitudes!

OK, so two of you did. Anyway, it was enough interest for me to churn another post out.

So, back to the quiz. There were two reasons that the wedding was an emergency, and had to be performed as quick as inhumanly possible. Your task is to guess the two reasons.
Listed below are five reasons. You have to choose from one of the first four, then guess what the second 'Other' reason was.

1. To prevent the birth of a bastard.

2. To prevent or seal a curse or prophecy.

3. To tie the knot before impending death/reincarnation.

4. As part of a record breaking attempt.

And, 5. Other - Remember to give a full explanation. And I want you to show your working, list all your apparatus, and acknowledge any quotes.

Well. Snap to it!

Monday 14 May 2007

Night Blight

A bouquet of stenchblossom and crapweed was thrust into my face as the blue haired minor deity wielding it leaned over to placate her spiky-headed monster offspring with a packet of scumdrops. Nuffy began systematically biting the heads off the flowers as they swung by him. Once the bouquet was thoroughly marmalised, I backed up as far as I could without coming into contact with the ghoul leaning against the inner hull of the Nightship's lower passenger compartment.

Wasn't there a first-class passenger lounge on this thing?

Standing on tippy-toes, I spied a cunningly calligraphed sign that directed those in-the-know to the upper levels. The majority of the gathered proletariat masses wouldn't be able to understand the script and curliques employed, so they'd just ignore it for fancy artwork.

I barged my way through the commoners, wincing with every heathen contact, until I reached one of the spiral staircases in the centre of the deck. Swishing my cloak around myself imperiously, I ascended gracefully. From the corner of my eye, I could see Nuffy glaring daggers at the multitudes we had left, wallowing in their own filth beneath us. It looked like they were wallowing in some of Nuffy's filth, too, unless those pellets rolling about on the deck were actually M&Ms...

I smiled to myself smugly.

At the top of the stairs I showed my credentials to the guard - a surly teenage girl in a red rubber hooded mask, knee high wolf-skin boots and little else. Sneering faintly at her sluttish get-up, I made my way out to the observation deck at the prow of the 'ship, my cloak streaming out behind me.

A flock of sword swallows flew alongside and in front of the 'ship, dipping and weaving like dolphins riding the bow-wave of a marine vessel. Amongst the swallows I noticed a couple of gaggers, too. As I stared into the roiling mists the 'ship was cutting a swathe through, one of the gaggers spat up. The slimy ejecta rocketted backwards and splattered over my blouse shirt and trousers.

My wedding outfit was ruined! There was no way that was coming out - Sputum is such a persistant stain.


Saturday 12 May 2007

Night Fright

I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing, but I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and had to get to an emergency wedding* in a hurry. I couldn't pilot Broom or Car in my semi inebriated state - Car would've been useless anyway, as it still hasn't learnt to traverse Other Realms. So, I had to acquiesce to the only other option open to me.

I took the Nightship.

I hadn't used one in a few centuries, so I only had partial memories of this particular variety of public transport. I must admit, the 'ship looked so majestic as it faded in from middle distance. Its running lights twinkled against the sleek, sculpted, black wooden hull. Then the docking beams blazed into life, searching for the mooring points at the stop on Mousehold Heath - the nearest stop to where I live. The 'ship slowed to a stop, vents opening in the lower hull. The other two denizens of the night were covering their noses - Well, the sinister-looking old lady had hers swamped by a huge lacy handkerchief, but the demon only had three of its four noses covered by its only three hands. It looked beseechingly at the old lady, who rolled her eyes before putting the torch-thing she held in her left hand in her bag, then she grimaced as she gingerly pinched the demon's nostrils shut on its fourth nose. It looked at her gratefully, but she just sighed and turned the other way.

What were they doin -


Eeep! I'd forgotten about the smell! I managed to bury my nose and mouth into the cloak in the crook of my arm before the dense brown-black smog from the vents assaulted my delicate nostrils. I even depowered my Clairalience, just to be on the safe side. However, even through the thick fabric of my cloak, I could smell the fumes.


The Hellish sulphur I can just about stand - after all, I'm in Hell so often that I've got used to it - but it's the fuel that makes me gag. That spewgusting stench of burning Horlicks mixed with sugar free cola (Pepsi Max and Coke Zero, I'm looking at you!) really turns my stomach. And when it passes through the Nightship's catlitter convertors... Oog! Aack! It gives me the dry heaves!

Anyway, my poor familiar. No, not Beaky. The current one, Gitface Nuffy. He's so close to the ground - where the fumes are worse - that the poor little sod nearly got asphyxiated. In the end, I took pity on him and let him sit on my shoulder until we boarded.

* Don't ask.

Tuesday 8 May 2007


Eeeek! I've had to stop moping, for The Coven has been compromised!

The insidious infiltration was made by none other than Piggy & Tazzy John & Martin, the ringleaders * snigger * of the Monkeys of Doom.

Dinah: Close your eyes, honey*. T-Bird, Dora & Tina, I think you can handle it. Haven't they been to yours already, T-Bird?

Poor Tim.

Not only is there mention of the C word, but also - Lawks! - atrocious spelling!

* Snaps to whoever** gets the reference.
** OK, I'll give it straight to Skillz.

Sunday 6 May 2007

Because sometimes it's true

I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
takes it all
The loser has to fall
has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
yes it's plain
Why should I complain?
why complain?

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say?
Rules must be obeyed.

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
on again
A lover or a friend
or a friend
A big thing or a small
big or small
The winner takes it all
takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologise
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence.

But you see

The winner takes it all...
The winner takes it all...

so the winner
takes it all
and the loser
has to fall
throw a dice
cold as ice
way down here
someone dear
takes it all
has to fall
yes its plain
why complain?

Saturday 5 May 2007


Now, I have been accused of various things in my time, only most of which I'm guilty of*.

The latest accusation comes from my actual coven! The crime? Flirting.

I have never been so insulted!


Oh, OK. So maybe I'm guilty of this flirting thing, too. Honestly, I only do it for a laugh. Or for attention. Or to get my way. Or to get someone else to do something for me. Or because I'm bored. Or because the conversation has run dry. Or because I've had a drink or six.
Sometimes I even flirt with someone Hot and unattainable.
However, I rarely flirt with The Gays because it might just lead to disgusting bum sex!**

* shudder *

And we wouldn't want that, would we boys and girls?


So the fact of the matter is: I only flirt when there's absolutely no chance of actually getting anywhere of a sexual nature.

So, you're safe, Tim. For now...

* Baby eating, seal clubbing, Father Christmas impaling, ivory poaching, Tooth Fairy squashing, blood sucking, whale hunting, species extincting and eating the last fondant fancy to name but a few.
** Apart from with Knight, that is.

Friday 4 May 2007

* blinks *

Who turned the light on?

When are you?


Oh. White. Tuesday.


Thursday 3 May 2007

Yet more Aaaaaaaaarrghhh!

Well, I thought I'd managed to thwart the HTML demons by upgrading my Blog to the new drag'n'drop layout thingumajig. But, no.

Those pesky demons have infiltrated the upgrade and are now preventing any sort of dragging. Or dropping, for that matter. Not that I would drop one, of course, for that would be most unbecoming!

Not only that, but whenever I try to add a new Page Element, they force me back to the Dashboard. At least it's not glaringly white in here anymore.

This may require all my cunning and intellect to utterly vanquish them.


EDIT: 22:07 Oof! I've lost some of you. Step into the light...


No. Not you, the Unlinked.


* sigh *

Tuesday 1 May 2007



Oh no! What did you do?
I pressed the wrong button!

You hamfisted clod!
Damn Wine. Damn you to Hell.

How could you?! Blaming poor Wine like that.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I love you really, Wine.

Don't go...

I guess this is as good an excuse as any to redecorate?

I may be some time...

You bloody won't, you know!