Monday 31 December 2007

Another year in review

Tragedy struck when the Titanic sunk after hitting an icebe-

No! No, no, no. This year. You're supposed to review this year!

Good gods! It can only go downhill from here.
Does this thing have brakes?
No. We'll have to steer into a gravel driveway and fall over to stop.

Oh, OK, OK... I think we all remember the last awards ceremony debacle here at Castle DeVice. So, SID, you're not to mix Jamesons with champagne. And go easy on the potatoes, this time, too. T-Bird, do wear waterproof mascara and remember to put your hair up. I'm not holding it back this year. Tim, please don't widdle on the flowers again - Poor Spike's still in a state of shock! And no other leavings on the red carpet, either. Although, feel free to wear a clingy, see-through shirt. And those Big Bang pants...
Oh, and I've made sure the flowers aren't too carnivorous this time.

Now, before we get to the awards, here are the first three months of 2007, as experienced by the collective entity that is IWeMeUs, IDV!

January: We discussed the science of death and the subconscious; The unfortunate incident of the exploding woman; That moist bint in my bath and the resulting visit from my centaur cousin, Svaathor da Vjis. Plus, there was the introduction of MirrorMe and some drunken blogging.

February: Where manual labour = concrete snot; The thwarting of MirrorMe; The return of Beaky and Not-Quite-The-Apocalypse. There was also some insight into piloting Broom, magic carpets & spaceships.

March: To shit, or not to shit (in the garden); SuperNatural origins with Knight, Cyfa and The Sisters; My birthday; Escaping a ducking and Getting trapped in the mirror.

Now, on to the awards. First up is Best Book:

The nominees are: Wintersmith, by Terry Pratchett; Reap the Whirlwind, by David Mack; and Tall, Dark and Dead, by Tate Hallaway.

But... But he hasn't even read Tall, Dark and Dead! It's still on the bedside chest, unopened!
Good job it didn't win then, isn't it?

Ahem... And the winner is: Reap the Whirlwind!

The nominees for Best Film are: Stardust, Transformers, Waitress, Sunshine and Knocked Up.

The winner is: Sunshine!

Lawks! I could've sworn it was going to be Transformers.
Well, I thought Stardust was a dead cert. He did see it three times, after all, whereas Transformers only got two viewings.
Stardust didn't get it because that one-trick-twat Gervais was in it. Gurning and being annoyingly unfunny, as usual. What a has-been.

Shut up, you lot!

The nominees for Best Television Show are: Heroes, Primeval, Grey's Anatomy, Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives.

The winner is, for the second year: Grey's Anatomy!

Must've been for that scene with McSteamy coming out of the shower in that tiny towel.

The nominees for Funniest Blogger Comment are: Piggy & Tazzy's comment on BANG! and their runner up comment in The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition. Now, before you get all huffy, most of you frequently left funny, if not hilarious, comments. However, it was these two that immediately sprung to mind when deciding on nominations for this category. Besides, I couldn't be arsed to go trawling through each post looking at every single comment - You know how lazy I am!

The winning comment is: " Looks like she spontaneously combusted at the muff! *shocked* I bet that stung! Serves her right for rubbing it so often. " from BANG!

Right. Back to the year in review - The next three months:

April: Now, April was mostly procrastination, but there was a pic of me with some of the undead. Oh, Car wouldn't start & Broom got upgraded. Plus, the 200th post - all about eyebrows and some Emotastica!

May: From black to white and black again; An explanation of flirting; The NightShip and the Emergency Wedding; The last Award Ceremony (it still smells of vomit, so view at your own risk); A Pop Quiz for Hot Shots and being Stunned in Sainsbury's.

June: Winning The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts; Getting lost in space; Avoiding Death-By-Shed and The SuperNatural emo.

There. That's six months done. Here're some more awards before we get to the last six months of the year:

The nominees are: Patrick Dempsey (Dr Derek "McDreamy" Shepherd in Grey's Anatomy), Eric Dane (Dr Mark "McSteamy" Sloan in Grey's Anatomy), Josh Holloway (Sawyer in Lost) and Nathan Fillion (Dr Pomatter in Waitress).

The winner is: Eric Dane!

The nominees are: Jake Gyllenhaal (Robert Graysmith in Zodiac); Charlie Cox (Tristan Thorn in Stardust); Andrew-Lee Potts (Connor Temple in Primeval) and Shia "Thinly Sliced Beef"* LaBeouf (Sam Witwicky in Transformers).

The winner is: Charlie Cox!

Oh, he is sooo cute. Especially with long hair. And that smile...

* Name decoded by Tim.

The nominees are: Kerri Russell (Jenna in Waitress); Laura Harris (Daisy Adair in Dead Like Me); Ellen Muth (Georgia Lass in Dead Like Me) and Katherine Heigl (Dr Isobel Stevens in Grey's Anatomy and Alison Scott in Knocked Up).

The winner is: Laura Harris!

Laura Harris (as Daisy Adair with Georgia and Mason)

July: Dinah went on holiday or something, so it fell to me to post clips of Family Guy, hence "Stewie and the nipple hair". I also gave you the story of The Royal Blood Orange and some camera film related nincompoopery.

August: The Freakin' Black and White Elf Shorts; My first scar and Meeting His (official) Hotness, Tim "Sparky Malarkey" Leng. In person!!

September: Momzilla destroys Legotown! Chewit monster destroys Barrow-in-Furness bus depot!! TFGES destroy any credibility I ever had!!!

The nominees are: Light At The End Of The World by Erasure; Robyn by Robyn; X by Kylie and Tangled Up by Girls Aloud.

The winner is: Robyn!

The nominees are: the TV show Dead Like Me; the punk-pop-rock band Shakespears Sister; the TV shows Now And Again and Teachers.

The winner is: Shakespears Sister! If you must see some videos, scroll down a bit - I posted some earlier this month.

There is only one blogger who can win in this category, and that's Skillz. He commented on Forsooth, It Is The Apocalypse with... Well, follow the link and see for yourselves. I think you'll find it both rude, bizarre and hilarious!

October: Deciphering Cyfa; Sisters & kittens; Excuses and Exploding dogs.

November: Hallowe'en Cinderella-style; The real Red Riding Hood; Car's MOT; The 300th post and Torso-tastica!

December: Trifling in bum-cracks and Snow White in Blogland. Plus this very review!

The nominees for those things that I've wasted time and money on this year include: Beowulf 3D (What a crock of shit! A showcase for rubbish 3D effects on film, with barely any voice-acting. Angelina Jolie sounded like she read her lines as an after thought while sitting on the loo. Anthony Hopkins did actually sound like he was really trying, but deep down, knew it was to no avail. As for Ray Winstone - Well, I never knew that Beowulf came from the east end of London.); The Buried Age by Christopher L Bennett (appalling characterisation of Picard); The Witches Of Eastwick by John Updike (so hard going that I still haven't finished it, months after buying it - I still love the film, though!) and Spider-Man 3 (I totally agree with all the 'less enthusiastic reviewers' from the link).

And the biggest waste of time was: Beowulf. I couldn't bring myself to say "The winner is".

Well, there have been so many (mostly from Piggy), but this one from Tim really stands out.

Another year, another win for Connor.

I know Enterprise finished years ago, but he has been in Stargate or something and as such, still qualifies.

It just has to be this guy with "SHIT! THIS THING IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!" as discovered by Tim and championed by The Coven Of Hags. OK, so it's for a beanie, but I think we can attribute it to anything good in our lives. Most especially this year of blogging - Thank you everyone who has made it so!

Happy New Year!

Monday 24 December 2007

Christmas Pant-O(h Hell! There's no 'O' in three...)

After ridding herself of the last peelings of crone make-up, the lady MJ stood in front of her mirror again.

"Looking glass upon the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

The mirror was silent.

Glaring at the unresponsive mirror, MJ asked it again, this time sounding more than a little peeved. "Looking glass upon the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

Just beyond her reflection, T-Bird and I materialised, wincing, back from various dressing rooms and barracks around the castle.

"Who'd've thought underwear could be so... Complicated?" T-Bird said.

"I know" I replied. I'm glad I'm not one of those guards. Did you see those knitted pants? They must be so scratc-"

"Shit! She's back and she looks mad!" T-Bird interrupted me. "Where do you think she's been? Has she 'killed' Dinah yet?"

"Umm... I don't know?" We started to panic, until I noticed a clue as to whereabouts we were in the story. "Look!" I practically yelled, pointing at MJ's neck. "There's a disgusting flap of wrinkly old skin. It must be a remnant of crone make-up."

T-Bird squinted out of the mirror. "Are you sure? It looks like her own skin. She is quite old, after all. Didn't SID once tell you she was over 100?"

"Well, yes, but I think he may have been joking. Or drunk."

"So if that's fake old skin, she must just be back from poisoning Snow White. I'd better tell her she's the fairest, then."

Just as MJ was about to ask the mirror for a third time (through gritted teeth), the mirror spoke.

"You, my Lady, are the fairest of them all."

MJ's hardened features relaxed, but only for a moment as her chamber door swung open to reveal her husband, the lord Sid.

"I've jus' heard tha' nancy T'm fr' tha' lowly sheep herder town's visi * burp * tin' us. Did you know 'bout this?" He slurred as he supported himself against the door frame.

"Of course I did, you drunken old sop" MJ replied. "If you weren't so inebriated, you'd remember that we spoke of this last week. And you'd better sober up and brush up on your diplomacy before he arrives. He is a prince of the kingdom, and should be treated as such, otherwise these trade talks will be for naught."

"Hmmmph. Diplomacy" Sid grunted. "Dun' we ha' diplomats fer tha' kind o' thing?"

"We did" said MJ with her hands on her hips, "until you got rid of them for suggesting you lay off the booze at official functions!"

- - -

A little while later, at the cottage in the clearing, six of the seven dwarfs stood around a hastily constructed, but quite elegant, glass coffin holding the, now rigor mortis-free Dinah.

"Well, it's a shame she's dead, but at least she cleaned the cottage out first" Piggy commented.

"Yeah. All except those splodges of bird shit" Moany added.

The other dwarfs nodded in agreement, then a noise from the edge of the clearing made them turn. It was Meany.

"I've put the sign up" he shouted as he made his way over to the coffin.

"Good" said Cunty, rubbing his hands together with glee. "We'll soon lure a good looking man here that we can have our wicked way with!"

The sign worked remarkably quickly, because just as the dwarfs were about to go inside, Poofy hesitated, sniffing the air.

"I... I can smell testosterone" he exclaimed. "A man is coming." He sniffed the air with his eyes closed, as if smelling a fine wine. "A hot man!"

"Quick!" yelled Stripey. "Into the house. We've got to prepare!"

No sooner had they scurried inside their cottage, than a very handsome and well dressed man astride a huge horse rode into the clearing. He dismounted and surveyed the area, his hand on his colossal sword. Catching sight of the glass coffin, he strode over to it and gasped as he saw the beautiful Snow White inside, as if asleep.

"Wow! Awesome!" He reached out, his fingers brushing the glass, when rustling in the undergrowth caught his attention.

It was at this point that T-Bird and I materialised in the reflections on the glass coffin.

"It's Tim!" T-Bird gasped. "And looking hotter than ever."

"Oh my gods. Look at the size of his sword - It's enormous!" I was beside myself.

Then we, too, were distracted by movement under the trees.

"Isn't that Piggy?" T-Bird asked, as a pale arse poked out of some shrubs at the opposite side of the clearing.

"I was about to ask the same, but about that" and I pointed to a tuft of ginger hair sticking out of a laurel tree. "Oh, no! The Piggy dwarfs have surrounded Tim. They must have come out the back door of their cottage."

Tim had spun around and hefted his mighty weapon. And not a moment too soon, because out of the surrounding forest came the dwarfs. They were, disgustingly, naked and had launched themselves at Tim, each in a state of arousal.

"They're like facehuggers, the way they're grasping for him as they fly through the air" T-Bird noted.

"Arsebuggerers, more like - They're not aiming for his face" I pointed out. "Ew! * gags * I think I saw that one's tiny little penis sticking out of it's ginger bush!"

Tim was parrying and thrusting with his massive sword. One of the dwarfs had already fallen beneath a crushing blow.

"Yaaahhh! Take that, you sickening little trolls!" Tim roared as he struck another one down. With a brutal up-thrust, he impaled Poofy through the starfish. The tip of his sword glinting in Poofy's open mouth, such was its length. At least Poofy died with a smile on his face.

T-Bird and I clung to each other with barely contained lust for Tim as he paraded around with his sword out.

"Look! Look!" T-Bird practically shrieked. "Another button on his shirt has come undone!"

"Ohh, that manly chest" I sighed.

One of the other dwarfs, possibly Piggy, had leapt upon his back as Tim plunged his blade into another - Meany, judging my the look on his face as he died. Horrified at what might be happening on his back, Tim reached over his shoulder with his free hand, grabbed Piggy and flung him away, tearing his shirt in the process.
Piggy crashed down next to the glass coffin, jarring it slightly. This movement was enough to dislodge the bite of apple from Dinah's throat. She coughed, the apple shot out of her mouth, ricocheted off the lid of the coffin and hit her in the forehead, rousing her. She opened her eyes slightly, just enough to see the fight in the clearing, and tutted.
Tim dived and rolled, avoiding a leaping dwarf before lunging forward, his sword out, impaling Stripey. Still in a crouching position, Tim spun around and chopped Cunty in half as he was attempting to sneak up from behind.

"You cunt" muttered the dwarf as his life left him.

- - -

Piggy, realising he didn't stand a chance against this determined fighter, ran off into the forest. As he ran out of the trees onto a track, he collided with someone.

"Eh, oop?" the someone said. It was the huntsman Tazzy.

"What the fu-" Piggy grunted but stopped as he looked up at the huntsman who'd obviously been spending too much time with his apprentice. Their eyes met gooily. A couple of tweeting bluebirds flew overhead, disturbed by the fight.
Further down the track, the apprentice who'd seen the whole thing, clasped his girlish hands to his chest and sighed in happiness for the couple.

- - -

Back in the clearing, Tim had vanquished the remaining dwarfs. He stood in the centre, his sword still aloft. Ripped and torn, his shirt hung in very revealing tatters from his heaving chest, and his hair was sexily tousled over his forehead.
He smiled as he surveyed the scene, "Aw, yeah!"

T-Bird and I were beside ourselves at this vision of sexy, sexy hotness. We were so preoccupied that we didn't notice Dinah climb out of the coffin.

"Well. I guess you took care of them" she said flatly. "Bravo."

"Huh?" Tim tensed and spun towards her, still primed with adrenaline. He relaxed a little when he saw Dinah, but then noticed the look on her face. Putting on a kicked puppy expression - that had T-Bird and I melting - he said, "But they were going to do unspeakable things to me and my muscular buttocks."

"That was no reason to kill them" Dinah objected. "Besides, their penises were so little that you likely wouldn't have noticed anything."

"Even so..." Tim countered, looking even more hurt. "Hmmph. I suppose you want rescuing from this place, hmmm?"

"Yes, actually. I don't exactly know where I am and need to get back to Lord Sid's castle. He's my father, you see. I am the Lady Dinah."

"Well, there's a coincidence. I was going there anyway for the trade talks - I'm Prince Tim."

"Charmed, I'm sure" Dinah said dismissively.

T-Bird roused from her Tim-induced stupor. "Crikey! We'd better get back to the mirror" she exclaimed and grabbed my arm, dematerialising us.

- - -

At the castle, the reception for the arriving prince was almost ready. Lady MJ had tried on dozens of dresses and finally picked a winner.
She smoothed it down as she stood before her mirror once more.

"Looking glass upon the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

"Tim, definitely" the mirror said in my voice.

"Shhhhh!!!" T-Bird clapped her hand over my mouth to prevent more outbursts from my delerium. MJ, momentarily puzzled, looked as if she was going to shake the mirror, until T-Bird spoke again. "My lady, thou art certainly fair, but Dinah is more so with her snow white skin and ebony hair."


"Shuthefucup" SID semiconsciously muttered from his drunken stupor, prone on the bed in the next room.

The sound of coach wheels crunching on gravel snapped MJ out of her rage. "He's here" she hissed to SID. "Get up!"

- - -

"Oh my dear, what a relief to see you" MJ gushed insincerely as Dinah walked into the entrance hall.

"Hmmph!" Dinah snorted as two guards quickly flanked MJ and grabbed her by the arms. The blacksmith then entered, carrying a pair of red hot iron shoes in his thick leather gloves.

"Wha... What are you doing?" MJ asked in bewilderment.

"We know you were behind Dinah's abduction and attempted murders" Tim stated as he strode into the hall after Dinah.

"You don't know anything" MJ spat, losing her composure as the iron shoes were brought closer to her. "Release me!"

"All in good time. But first, theres' some one you should meet."

From an anteroom, the apprentice huntsman was dragged in. "Oh, I'm so sorry" he slurred happily. "They made me * hic * champagne cocktails from the mini * hic * bar on the coach. I told them everything. Ooh, they were delicious * hic * Can I have another?"

MJ shrieked with rage, then pain as the iron shoes were forced upon her feet. The guards released her and she danced madly across the hall, screaming, until she collapsed in a smoking heap, quite dead.

The apprentice huntsman let out a banshee wail and threw himself on top of her, which was something of a mistake, as the still hot shoes ignited the alcohol fumes emanating from his body. The two of them were quickly incinerated by fierce blue flames.

"Would someone clear that up" Dinah sniffed. "The stench of burning flesh is most unpleasant."

"Come on." Tim took her arm. "Let me escort you to your chambers where you can rest and recuperate."

"No funny business, mind" she relented.

"Of course" he agreed, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

- - -

After leaving her in her room, Tim crossed the landing and peered in the room opposite as the door had been left ajar. There on the wall was a huge ornate mirror. Looking first left, then right, to ensure no one saw him, Tim entered the room and stood before the mirror.

He struck a pose, flexing his muscles.

"Rawr!" he grinned to himself. Or so he thought.

"Rawr, indeed" the mirror replied as two pairs of hands reached out and dragged him in...

The End

Snow White: A Tale Of Turmoil


Snow White ~ Dinah, from Dinah Says Nothing

The Wicked Stepmother ~ MJ, from the Infomaniac

Snow White's father ~ SID, from Stupid Irish Daddy

The Magic Mirror ~ T-Bird, from 20+10

The Seven Dwarfs ~ Piggy, from Tazzy and Piggy

The (very) Handsome Prince ~ Tim, from Sparky Malarkey

The Huntsman ~ Tazzy, from Tazzy and Piggy

The Apprentice Huntsman ~ CyberPete, from SayHey

Well. It's a Bah, Humbug! from me.
And a Bah, Humbug! from him.
We hope you all enjoy your holidays.
See you on New Year's Eve!

Sunday 23 December 2007

Christmas Pant-(tw)O

Back at the castle, MJ was in her chambers in front of her mirror, having just devoured human heart en croute for dinner.

I looked out from beyond her reflection, knowing what was coming next and wondering what to say, when I was barged aside.

"G'day DeVice. Stand aside for a mo, just gotta do my thing. Speak to you in a bit."
"Looking glass upon the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" the lady MJ asked the enchanted mirror.

"My lady, thou art fair, 'tis true, but there're many fairer. One such is CyberPoo."

"What?!" MJ was agog.

"Apologies, my lady. There appears to be an error in the sub ether.

"Stand by...

"Stand by...

"Prepare for reinitialisation...

"Working: My lady, thou art fair, 'tis true, but the maiden Dinah is fairer than you!"

MJ staggered in shock. "She... She lives?"

In the reflection, I turned to face the mirror's voice. It was none other than T-Bird with a big grin on her face.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked in bewilderment.

"I don't really know. I was hoping for a Dickensian story, but this Snow White thing is panning out OK. From what I can gather, the story initialised before I was fully downloaded."


"Look, basically, I got here late. I was nearly lumbered with a bit part as Snow White's mother, but that part of the story was cut so I hid in here. This mirror-thing is great! She" and T-Bird pointed out at the practically apoplectic MJ, who was totally oblivious to what was going on within her mirror "is so easy to wind up."

"Hee hee! Look at how red her neck is. She must be absolutely furious" I said.

"C'mon. She'll be ranting and raving for ages yet. Let's go and have a look around this place. I see you've mastered travelling from one reflection to another."

"Yes, it's surprisingly straightforward. A bit like traversing inter-universal barriers. Just a jump to the right-"

"And a step to the left" T-Bird finished for me. "Yes, yes. Come on. Let's go and watch the guards get undressed!"

And off we went. However, while we were off on our voyeuristic travels, lady MJ had other plans...

- - -

Deep in the forest, the seven dwarfs had dragged Dinah back to their sty cottage.

"Right" ordered Piggy. "We want this place spick and span by the time we get back. If it meets our approval, we'll show you the way back to your stupid castle."

"But where are you going?"

"We're going, ummm..." The dwarfs all looked at each other shiftily. "To work! Yes. Work. We're miners-"
"Burglars" they all joined in hastily.

"What? What do you... Mine?" Dinah asked hesitantly.

"Turds" Cunty finished off with.

Dinah looked down her nose at the vile little men. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean" she said. "Now, get out from under my feet and go and do whatever it is you do, you filthy little perverts."

Once the heathen little trolls had left, Dinah surveyed the cottage.

"What a pigsty! I'm going to need help, for this." Being the resourceful young woman that she was, Dinah had soon lured some animals into the cottage to dust in all the high places and awkward nooks and crannies. A flock of bluebirds and sparrows were tempted in with breadcrumbs to rid the ceiling and windows of spiderwebs with their fluttering wings. Chopped hazelnuts sprinkled around the books and crockery had some squirrels inadvertantly dusting the shelves with their thick bushy tails as they searched out the treats. And rabbits swept the floor with their furry feet as they searched for the carrots she'd put down. Dinah had even encouraged the lost seal pup from the lake to clean the bathroom with a few stinky old fish heads.

Soon the cottage was spotless - Well, except for the odd splodge of bird poo here and there - so Dinah shooed the animals out, back into the forest. All except the seal pup, which had taken up residence in the bath. An idea popped into her head and Dinah headed off to the kitchen. She came back with a rolling pin and began clubbing the seal pup. It was hard work because the rolling pin wasn't very hefty, but eventually the seal was dead. Luckily, the blood splatters had been contained within the bath, although the shower curtain would have to go. She'd planned to make soap for the filthy dwarfs from the blubber, a hearty meal from the meat and a bolero jacket for herself from the fur. She wished she'd been able to find another seal as there just wasn't enough skin on one little pup for a full length jacket.
Exhausted, hot and hungry after her clubbing exertions, Dinah went outside and sat on the tree stump by the front door, wishing she hadn't used all the food in the cottage to lure the animals in.
After a few minutes, a bent and wizened old crone came hobbling into the clearing carrying a small basket, on top of which were two shiny red apples.

"Oh deary me" the crone said in a cracked voice. "Oh, deary deary me. My poor old legs aren't what they used to be."

Dinah rolled her eyes. Great. This old bag was going to ruin her peace and quiet and probably bore her to tears with crazy old stories. But she did have food. Thinking that the stupid old bat would share her apples, Dinah invited her to join her.

"Old woman. Won't you rest your weary legs and join me?" Dinah called out in a well practised sweet voice.

"Oh, you are so kind, young lady. So kind." MJ the crone hobbled over to Dinah rather quicker than she'd intended. She just wanted finish off the annoyingly sickly-sweet girl and get back to the castle and out of these scratchy old clothes. She offered her basket to Dinah. "Here. Have an apple, as thanks."

"What?" Dinah was confused. "Don't you want to talk first or something?"

MJ stifled a swear. "No, dear. I'm a woman of few words. I just want to sit for a short while. Go on, take an apple. You look hungry."

Dinah was relieved. She couldn't abide talking to old people - They were so boring. "Well, thank you. I will" and she reached for an apple.

"Heh heh heh heh hehhh" MJ cackled under her breath.

"What was that?" Dinah asked, the apple poised before her lips.

"Oh... ummm... Just clearing my throat, dear. Catarrh."

Dinah turned away slightly from the rank old woman and grimaced. She'd better eat this apple quickly before the crone hacked up, or something. Taking a big bite of the crisp, juicy apple, she turned back to the crone and opened her mouth to speak...

And then fell backwards off the tree stump, her face a grim rictus and her limbs frozen in their sitting position.

"That'll teach you to speak with your mouth full, won't it" the lady MJ said with an evil grin. She stood, straightened up, flung off the wretched scratchy cloak and peeled off the old lady make-up. "Right. I'm out of here. Enjoy your death!" With that she swept out of the clearing, back towards her coach on the narrow track through the trees.

To be continued...

Saturday 22 December 2007

Christmas Pant-O(ne)

After a judicious bit of stalking, I found the Hot Dad™ in the gym down the road. Feigning interest in joining, I was taken on a brief tour of the gym. As the personal trainer led myself and two others around the facility, I paused next to a mirrored glass partition by the cycle machines. On the other side of the glass was the object of my would-be affections, astride a cycle. I leaned forward, pressing my head against the cool glass in the hopes of getting a better view of his well defined thighs.
A sudden cracking sound, like that of breaking glass, roused me from my fantasy. I had the feeling of falling forward but didn't hit the ground amidst a shower of glass, to my surprise. No one came running to my aid. In fact, no one even seemed to have noticed. I continued falling on my horizontal trajectory in what felt like slow motion, getting ever closer to the Hot Dad™, who was starting to blur somewhat.


Ow! Something had stopped my fall. I rubbed my forehead then put my hands out to the invisible barrier in front of me. Whatever it was, it wasn't readily viewable, even with my witch's eyeballs. I stared out at the Hot Dad™, only, horror or horrors, he wasn't there. Instead, there was a fat man in fancy dress sitting astride the cycle. Oh shit! It was SID!

"Hey!" a strident female Canuck voice shouted. "You're not supposed to rest your belly on the handlebars!"

Oh no. Not again. I was falling over the Cusp and into the Other Realm. I'd only just got over the Hallowe'en fiasco, too. And now, here I was, trapped in a world of reflections, just like MirrorMe. I stared out of what I now realised was a reflection in a window pane and rolled my eyes as SID and MJ bickered.

SID's bike had disappeared and been replaced with a horse. MJ had come into view, wearing an elaborate dress that looked like it had come from the set of a lavish period drama, attended by a lady-in-waiting. The gym was no more. Instead, there was a courtyard, full of bustle (mainly MJ's, it has to be said - her dress really was quite remarkable, more a small outbuilding than an item of clothing). In the far corner, two men, one burly, the other not so, were talking by what looked like an armoury or smithy. I strained to hear what they were saying.

"So. What do you think of my tabard? Striking, no?" the smaller one asked as he minced capered around the other.

"'s a bit plain" the burly one eventually replied, taking the time out from sharpening a hunting knife.

"Plain?! Did you not notice the exquisite needlework? And just look at my darling shoes!"

"Oh, f'fooks sakes" the big one muttered under his breath before audibly adding, "It'd be better with stripes."

Darling shoes? Stripes? They could only be CyberPete and Tazzy. Dear gods...

"You! Huntsman. Did you dispose of that dratted girl?" MJ imperiously asked Tazzy. She'd somehow managed to glide up to them unnoticed, despite her enormous bustle.

"Oh, er... Yes, my Lady" Tazzy replied, unnerved by her sudden appearance. "We got rid of her just like you said." He unslung a small bag from his shoulder and gave it to MJ.

MJ looked furious as she snatched the bloodied leather bag from him. "We?" she demanded.

"Umm... Yes. My apprentice came along" and Tazzy indicated the younger man who was prancing around near the blacksmith's anvil.

"You trust him?"

"Yes, my Lady. He won't say a word. Besides, he really likes you. Seems to be a little in awe of you, actually." MJ preened a little at this. "He'll make a good huntsman" Tazzy added.

MJ snorted. "He's not a huntsman yet. And I'm aware of his reputation: He just hunts men." She smiled at her little joke, then swept past Tazzy towards the castle and SID, the heart in the bag in her clutches.

- - -

Meanwhile, in the forest, a girl sat upon a fallen log and cried. She was so absorbed in her tears that she didn't notice the rustling of leaves as something, or some things, approached her.

"Oink! Who are you? And stop your snivelling."

The girl looked up, startled. There before her stood seven little men, all identical except for the clothes they wore.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "Aren't you..." She was going to say adorable, but a closer look at the funny little men made it an untruth. Eventually, she plumped for "peculiar."

"Hey!" the first little man cried indignantly. "At least I'm not a Canuck. Which I take it you are judging by your moronic accent?"

"It's not moronic!" the girl retorted. "And it's certainly better than your weird Scottish/northern thing you've got going on." Then, remembering her manners and upbringing, she reluctantly introduced herself. "My name is Dinah. And you are?"

"I'm Piggy" the little man said huffily. "And these are my brothers Poofy, Stripey, Ginger, Meany, Moany and Cunty."

"Ah. How, um... nice to meet you?" Dinah floundered, aghast at the unfortunate names. "I don't suppose you could help me? I'm lost."

To be continued...