Friday 28 March 2008

That's all folks!

So, it looks like I'm going to be busy for the rest of the day - Bang goes blog-surfing from work this afternoon.

Have a great weekend, everybody! See you Monday...

IDV and assorted SubC's

Wednesday 26 March 2008

Birthday aftermath

You may be interested to know that I did - after much hinting and then nagging - receive a digital camera for my birthday from several family members. Not one from each - One between them. I didn't want to appear greedy, after all.

However, this gift may be a bit pointless in the next couple of weeks or so.

Why? (Did I hear you say, or was that just one of you sighing?)

Because the Demon Box is going.

Yes. That's right. I shall be sans computron. It all comes from kicking out Non-Existant Boy at the end of this month - Well, the Demon Box is his, so he's taking it with him, naturally.

Now, my lack of technological knowledge has served me about as well as expected in my search for a Demon Box of my own. For you see, I have no idea what I'm after (except you, Tim).

I did complete a brief questionnaire thingy at Dell which led me to believe that I'd be more than pleased with an Inspiron 530 with [technobabble]. Would I?

However, I'd quite like one of these:

It seems friendly enough...

All I want to do is Blog, write, create 'masterpieces' in Paint and watch YouTube. However, I shouldn't really do these things at work (and I can't actually watch videos at work because of the GSI Proxy Demon), but for now, I'm going to have to try. You'll just have to put up with short and/or sporadic posts. Although, this one turned out all right...

Did someone say "Yay!" ?

Monday 24 March 2008

See?! Sleeping Beauty: Part three

Nearly 100 years later, a handsome prince with an enigmatically sexy smile is using his huge chopper to cut through the forest of thorns surrounding the slumbering castle. He wasn't doing terribly well, as half his clothes hung in tatters from his muscular, sweat-sheened body. The other half were festooned on thorns and spikes leading out of the briar patch.

"Strewth! That was rough" one of the Spikes said to himself as he lay back panting amongst the brambles, picking bits of clothing out from underneath his claws. "I wonder if I can ensnare him on the way out, too?"

At the same time inside the castle, flickers of movement amongst the dust covered, frozen-in-sleep populace could be observed. If anyone was watching, that is. However, the movement was not coming from the people. Instead, it appeared to be emanating from reflective surfaces dotted around the castle's innards: Huge polished tureens, gilt-edged picture frames, refractive jewellery around eminent ladies necks, glasswear on dust covered tables, multi-faceted discoballs put up for a birthday celebration many years ago. And mirrors...
"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" spat the reflection of a pert-bottomed young lady as she darted through the castle. Curiously, there didn't appear to be a physical body to create the mirror images as they flickered up the highly polished banister of the grand staircase towards the royal bedrooms.

In the Queen's private boudoir, the large ornate mirror on the wall shivered slightly, as if caught in a mild earth tremor. Deep in its reflected world, the young-lady-with-the-arse appeared suddenly, looked around wildly then furrowed her delicate brow and muttered:

"Oh... Oh, shit."

"Oh, shit!" a devastatingly handsome and very scantily clad man exclaimed as he pounded through strange rooms. "Where am I?"

He ran along a dark, narrow corridor until he came to the foot of some stone stairs. "I might as well go up" he said to himself. "Hopefully, there'll be a window at the top that I can use to see where the Hell I am?"

He ascended the stairs three at a time. The movement of his muscular buttocks and well defined thighs was... very... very... distracting...

Would be!

Would be very distracting, if there was anybody else there to see it.

Which there wasn't.

At all.

Not one. Not even me.

High above, I flew out of the underside of the cloud layer and zeroed in on the castle. I hadn't realised so much time had passed so quickly. Hot Rod had certainly kept me occupied on Cybertron.

To my surprise, I noticed movement within my secret room at the top of the tallest turret. Obscuring myself midflight, I silently approached the window. As I drew closer, I saw that a Big Bang pant clad man had gained access to my private chamber. He was leaning over the bed, gazing at the body laying upon it.

I slipped through the window and crept up on him as he pulled the scarves from the body's face. His eyes widened in horror and he recoiled into me as I loomed, now visible, behind him.

"Don't worry, Timmy love" I sneered. "It's only a man in a dress."

"Yaaargh!" he yelled, elbowing me in the stomach before hurtling down the stairs.

"Oof!" I fell back onto my desk, winded. "Ahh... Physical contact!" I drew myself together, transmogrifying into a fearsome dragon. "T-Bird!" I roared. "Timothy has escaped!"

"I know" she said, her reflection materialising in a window. "I've been trying to find him."

"Well, he was just here" I peevishly snapped before smashing through the doors and pounding down the stairs after him.

Several flights of stairs below, Tim, while adjusting his Nike+ running thingummybob, almost careened into an equally clothes-challenged man coming the other way.

"I'm terribly sorry, old chap" he apologised, being frightfully British and sticking his right hand out in greeting. "Prince Tim. Splendid to meet you."

"Prince Eros" the scratched and tatters-just-about-wearing other man drawled, pumping Tim's hand. "Good to meet you too."

The two princes looked each other up and down, studiously ignoring their attire, or lack of. "Spend a lot of time in the gym?" they both said at the same time.

"Mainly running-" "A few sit ups-" they answered together.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I must dash" said Tim. "I'm being stalked by a rather persistant and terribly lecherous old witch."

"By all means" Eros said, stepping aside. "Before you go, I don't suppose you've noticed a sleeping princess, have you?" he added as Tim started towards the doors.

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact. Up there" and Tim indicated the way he'd just come. "But it's not a prin-"

"RAWR!" I swooped down into the massive entrance hall, spewing forth a jet of flame at the main doors, effectively cutting off Tim's escape.

"Blast!" he swore. "Gotta go" and he ran off up the grand staircase.

"Good luck!" Eros shouted as he ducked underneath me and tore off up the other stairs.

I landed, momentarily confused. Should I continue after the ridiculously handsome Tim with his impressive fuzzy chest and abs of steel? Or, go for the tanned and muscular newcomer with his endearing southern drawl and sexy smile? I hopped from foot to foot, wringing my claws until, eventually, deciding on Tim, leaving Eros to escape.

Prince Eros searched the rooms that led off the staircase Tim had run down, for the legendary Sleeping Beauty. Eventually, he came across the slumbering Royal, but had the decency to wipe up afterwards. Without wasting any time, he ripped the bodice open with his teeth before going in for a kiss and a grope...

Uh oh, he thought, pulling back. A hand full and stubble rash!

But the spell had been broken. Prince LeJour roused from his century of sleep, his eyes fluttering open.

"Oh, my hero!" he gushed, making goo-goo eyes at the practically naked, muscular man knelt before him. The effect was spoiled somewhat by the crusty eye-bogeys clogging his tear ducts.

"Ooog..." Prince Eros muttered, standing up and backing off further.

"Hey! Where are you going? Don't I get a shag?!" Petra whined, indignantly.

"Not until you do something about that morning breath."

In the Queen's boudoir on the other side of the waking castle...

"Yah! Take that, you foul and lecherous fiend!" Prince Tim yells as he impales my heart with a massive sword he'd appropriated from someone.

I quiver with the most exquisite kind of painful ecstasy and change back from my dragon form. With a humourless smile, I pull the sword from my chest.

"My heart has already been broken by you so there is nothing you can do to hurt me further" I laugh in his face, cornering him in front of the enchanted mirror. The brave and heroic look on his face drains away to be replaced by one of fear. Then I notice that his attention isn't fixed on me, but rather on something behind me.

I turn to see what he's looking at.

"Eeeeeeep!" I couldn't prevent the squeal of terror from escaping my lips.

There before us, was a hideous fire-breathing old dragon: MJ, the real Maleficent! And she looked mad - I could see the fire coursing up inside her long scaly neck. Luckily, we had plenty of time as she had a very long neck.

"C'mon" I hissed at Tim, trying to drag him out of the way.

"I think I'll take my chances with her" he said, pointing at MJ and resisting my urges.

"Oh no you won't!" a voice commanded. T-Bird! She reached out of the mirror and dragged us both back inside just as MJ engulfed the room with a massive fireball.

"You're our wife now" T-Bird and I growled in unison at the recaptured Tim...

The end...


Prince(ss) 'Petra' LeJour ~ CyberPete, from SayHey

The Handsome Prince ~ ErosWings, from Eros Den

The Queen, Snow White ~ Dinah, from Dinah Says Nothing

The King ~ Skillz, from Skilleans

Maleficent ~ IDV, from Inexplicable DeVice

The fairy of Sleep ~ Snooze, from Sometimes Sisyphus

The Willow fairy ~ WillowC, from Willow Trees

The Firefly fairy ~ Dora, from Growing Up Twisted

The Enchanted Mirror ~ T-Bird, from Strega Nona's Super Number One Mecha Party Laser Blog (now Miss Smuggersham, from Meh!)

The other - Devastatingly Handsome - Prince ~ Tim, from Sparky Malarkey

With special guest appearances from

MJ the Infomaniac as the Real Maleficent


Spike, from This Isn't Sydney as a clothes-shredding, handsome prince violating spike

For Part Four, please click here [link broken] for redirection to T-Bird's - It really is very tastefully decorated.

Sunday 23 March 2008

I told you to be careful! Sleeping Beauty: Part two

"Oh no! Do something, my King" Queen Dinah finally implored.

"I know we forgot to invite you, IDV" King Skillz began, "but you can't just-"

"I can do whatever the Hells I like!" I, somewhat petulantly, declared.

"Well, where will this prick come from?"

I glared at the King. "Oh, I don't know?" I hadn't really thought that far ahead - Well, I had, but not in so much detail. Glancing around desperately, I spied a likely candidate. "From one of those!" I pointed to a new fangled gramophone that was playing background music in a corner. "And now, I'm off - This party looks rubbish, anyway." And with that, I swept imperiously out of the ruined doorway, cackling to myself. "Mwah hah hah hah hah hah ha!"

Queen Dinah came to her senses first. "Well. That was rude!" she said. "What shall we do now?"

"For a start" her husband replied, "we'll banish all gramophones."

The Queen looked aghast, and turned to the fairies. "Can't you do something?"

Dora and Willow just looked at each other and shrugged.

Snooze, however, looked thoughtful for a moment and then said "Hmmm... We can't undo the spell, but I can try and dilute it, somewhat." She paused, clearly concentrating. "My gift will be that, instead of death, LeJour, and the entire populace of the castle, will fall into a sleep so deep as to be nearly indistinguishable from death, only to be aroused by the ministrations of a love-struck prince."

"Don't you mean princess, Snooze?" Willow hissed.

"Oops! Oh, yes. Too late now, though - The spell is cast" Snooze whispered back. She looked over at the King and Queen, but luckily, they seemed unaware of her little mistake. Turning back to Willow and Dora, she continued "I don't think it'll really matter. I think we all know that LeJour isn't going to be receptive to a bloody girl!"

The Queen then spoke up. "Are you sure you don't want to try any harder? It didn't look like you put much effort into it."

"That exorsted my speling abiliti, I'll have you no" Snooze retorted, indignantly. "I kan allways take it bak?"

"No, no. That's all right" the Queen hurriedly said. "Thank you for your efforts. But, if I may be so bold, Why does the entire castle have to sleep, too?"

"Well, death's a big deal" Snooze replied, regaining her spelling. "I had to spread it around to lessen its effect. You'd better hope that it's at least seventy years or so before that *ahem* princess *ahem* comes a knocking, or you could all wake up dead! To be on the safe side, I'll sprinkle some wild rose and blackberry seeds around the castle - The thorns should deter all but the most persistant of royalty."

"Right, then" King Skillz spoke up. "Let's get this place rid of all gramophones!"

Almost sixteen years later, Prince LeJour skipped gaily through the castle's older, uninhabited areas, whiling away the time until his birthday celebrations began. As he swished past the cold, stone steps leading up to a long forgotten turret, he heard a heavenly voice singing...

I'm spinning around, move out of my way
I know you're feeling me, 'cause you like it like this.
I'm breaking it down, I'm not the same
I know you're feeling me, 'cause you like it like this

Halting, as if ensnared in a trap, a look of ecstasy covers his face. Lured by the siren-song, LeJour pelts up the steps, the clicking of his heels echoing up the stairwell...

I smiled evilly as I heard footsteps approaching my room through the fading last words of the song.

"Well, well" I began as the door opened revealing the enrapt boy. "If it isn't Prince-" then I noticed what he was wearing: His mum's high heels and bodice, done up so tight so as to give the impression of an womanly hourglass figure, lashings of diamonds and, atop his head, a cardboard cone which trailed several diaphanous scarves. "-ess LaJour" I continued, barely missing a beat.

"I'm the Prince, you silly!" he giggled.

I raised an elegant eyebrow. "Really, your Highness?"

"Yes!" he insisted with mock impatience. "But you can call me Petra - My middle name."

I stifled an insincere smile as the song finished.

Baby, Baby, Baby
You know you like it like this
Baby, Baby, Baby
You know you like it like this
'Cause you like it like this...

"Who was that singing?" the fey prince asked.

"Oh, that's Kylie. You like?"

"Very much!"

"Here" I passed him a large square of cardboard. "Put this on."

"What's this?"

"It's a record. It goes on that" I replied, pointing to the gramophone stood against the curved turret wall.

"I've never seen one before" he said in wonder.

"Your parents banned them for some reason" I said, looking away as the Prince slid the disc out of its sleeve and placed it on the gramophone turntable. "You need to flick the switch and lift the arm on to the edge of the record."

The Prince reached for the arm but caught his thumb under the sharp needle at its tip.


"Are you all right, Petra dear?" I enquired, this time failing to hide the falseness.

"I feel... a bit... dizzy..." he faltered before collapsing - rather too dramatically for my liking - onto the bed. The scarves from his ridiculous pointed 'Damsel-in-distress' hat fluttered down, partially covering his face.

I narrowed my eyes as I glared at his prone form and grabbed Broom before throwing my head back once more, erupting with evil laughter.

"Mwah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah ha! Ow!" I'd have to stop doing that - I kept getting whiplash. I cackled a bit less ostentatiously as I piloted Broom out of the turret window as all life in the castle came to a halt.

To be continued...

Saturday 22 March 2008

Be careful what you wish for. Sleeping Beauty: Part one

In an impressive castle in a magical kingdom, a king and queen sat moping in their boudoir.
 "This kinging is boring" moaned the King from the edge of their bed. "I wish something exciting would happen."
 "Well, queening is even duller" sighed the Queen as she brushed her long ebony hair in front of her enchanted mirror. She was counting each stroke of the brush. "...98, ...99, ...100. There. That's that done." She turned to her husband and said, with a gleam in her eyes, "Fancy trying for a baby again?"
 "Oh, yeah!"
 Nine months later...
 "Phew!" exclaimed the King. "That last nine months went quickly."
 "Didn't it just" the Queen agreed. "Well, I suppose we'd better get our little bundle of joy christened."
 "Don't you mean to have a non-denominational naming ceremony, Dinah my dear?"
 "What? Oh. Yes. Very well."
 "What shall we call her?" the King asked, pleased that his wife had been too tired after giving birth to question him.
 "Her, Skillz?" she asked, quizzically. "It's a boy!"
 "Really?" The King was surprised at this revelation. He hadn't taken too much notice of the slime and gunk covered grub that had emerged from between his wife's legs, for fear of throwing up. But he certainly didn't recall seeing anything that might indicate its boy status.
 "Yes. His little tayloo was just tucked between his legs, that's all."
 "So, why all the pink and sequins?" he eventually thought to ask, thinking of the nursery full of girly clothes, blankets and toys.
 "I wanted a girl. I just assumed that that's what we'd get. I am the Queen, after all."
 The King rolled his eyes out of sight of his wife, and muttered under his breath, "I hope it doesn't grow up to be a notorious homosexual..."
One week later at the christening non-denominational naming ceremony...
 "Well. That went rather well, I thought?" the King said as he laid his sleeping baby back into his cot on the dais next to the thrones. He smiled at the throngs of people gathered below who had just witnessed his son being named.
 "Mmm..." the Queen agreed, vaguely. "I wonder what presents we're- I mean, what presents little LeJour Peter is going to get? I could do with a new robe..." she tailed off as she noticed her husband's narrowed eyes. "Umm... To wear whilst out walking him, of course" she finished off, rather huffily.
 "Actually, a Scalextric wouldn't go amiss either." Seeing his wife about to launch into one, the King hurriedly countered with "To get him started on learning the rules of the road, etc. etc."
 The Queen calmed down, but a look of mild concern fell upon her porcelain features. "You know," she started, "I keep having this feeling that we've forgotten something."
 "Hush up! Here come the gifts!"
 A little while later, a huge pile of presents stood beside the cot containing the still sleeping LeJour. Three fairies stood before the pink cot, two of them yet to bestow their gifts...
 "My gift to little LeJour" declared the Willow fairy, reaching into the cot to stroke the baby's soft, plump skin "is the gift of beauty: Gold of sunshine in her hair, and lips that shame the red, red rose- Oh, fuck!"
 "Willow!" scolded her companion, the fairy of sleep, Snooze. "Whatever is it?"
 "It... It's a boy!" Willow stuttered.
 "A boy?! But" and Snooze gestured around with her wand, "look at all the pink!"
 "She always wanted a girl" Dora the Firefly fairy interjected.
 "But... But, it doesn't have a penis!" Snooze hissed.
 Willow rummaged around in the cot, while the King and Queen were otherwise engaged talking to some other guests. "It's tucked between it's legs" she hissed back.
 "Shit. I've given a really inappropriate gift, then" Dora admitted.
 "Why?" asked Snooze. "What did you give?"
 Before Dora could answer, muffled noises of some commotion outside the throne room distracted them...
T w a n g  *
*  p o o f  *
"Oof! Bugger. Who'd've thought there'd be a Cusp Interface on Cybertron?"
"Ow! Where am I? Oh."
 And then the throne room door crashed open, revealing a tall, pale skinned figure with yellow eyes and massive black horns. It was clad in a black and purple robe with bat wing-like edges and clutched a staff with a glowing green orb at the tip. On the figure's shoulder perched an evil-looking blackbird...
 "What's going on here?!"
 Queen Dinah slapped her hand to her forehead. "Fuck!"
 "Dear!" King Skillz reprimanded, shocked and embarassed at her outburst.
 "I forgot to invite IDV."
 "Yes. You did" I said as I flounced stormed through the parting crowd towards the baby. "And just for that, I am going to give you and your little girl-" An elbow in my ribs stopped me short. Speaking of which, I looked down at my assailant.
 "Pssst!" Willow hissed, elbowing me again. "It's a boy."
 "What?" I whispered in return, momentarily taken aback. "Really?" I peered into the cot for a closer look. "Looks like a girl to me."
 Willow reached into the cot and uncrossed the baby's legs. "See?" she said smugly.
 "Blimey. Ah, well," I shrugged. "Anyway, where was I?" Beaky cocked his head and turned to look me in the eyes. I tried not to flinch. "Oh, yes: I'm going to give you and your little boy a gift you won't forget!"
 "Now, look here, IDV old chap..." King Skillz said.
 "'Old chap'?! Why, I'm only twentythirteen, I'll have you know" I blustered. "Today actually" I seethed, quietly. * huff * "And stop trying to distract me. My gift to you and LeJour, is a curse. On her-" There was that elbow in my ribs again.
 "His" Willow insisted.
 "On his sixteenth birthday, he'll get a big prick" I paused for effect, but was thwarted by the King.
 "Well, that doesn't sound like much of a curse, eh dear?" he sniggered, nudging the Queen.
 " - and die!" I threw my head back, nearly impaling Beaky on one of my horns, and laughed maniacally. "Mwah hah hah hah hah hah ha!"
 "Oh no!" Queen Dinah started to wail. "Do somethi-"
 "I haven't finished yet" I interrupted, scowling. "Ahh hah hah hah hah hah hah ha!"
 Thinking that was it, she opened her mouth for another go, but I beat her to it.
 "Ha!" I concluded with a smirk on my face.
To be continued...

Tuesday 18 March 2008

An empty promise?

Drat! Have a week off work and it turns out it's the ruddy easter holidays so all the abominable little brats are off school. Christ! They're everywhere, the little buggers. I blame Jesus for this. If he hadn't been so lazy and allowed himself to be caught and crucified, he never would have risen from the dead - the bloody zombie - and had all this holiday malarkey made up in his honour. I bet if he'd managed to eat a few more brains, rather than the eggs, chicks and bunnies that he found after he escaped from his tomb, people wouldn't've been so enamoured with him and we wouldn't have this ridiculous holiday.

Anyway, the throngs of kids covered in smears of chocolate from half-eaten easter eggs, had built up in such numbers that I couldn't stand it any longer. So, I'm now en route to somewhere less kid-friendly: Cybertron.

I was going to trans-stellar spectralise there, but Cybertron doesn't have any drone-hosts to drop into. Besides, The Host wanted to come too, so we're on a substar sailer being waited on hand and foot in the VIP lounge. This certainly is the unlife!
I'm writing this while I wait for my next cocktail to be brought over - A Stardrifter! I know it's a little early in the day to be at the cocktails already, but the waiter looks remarkably like Connor Trinneer, only with two extra arms. Imagine the possibilities!

I may be a week or so, but I promise to send postcards when I can...

Monday 17 March 2008

A book in the hand is worth two on the shelf

Well, that's another two done and dusted. This reading lark is quicker and easier than I thought.

Last night I read Marvels. Another graphic novel that features superheroes, but who do not 'star' in the stories. Instead, the focus is on Phil Sheldon, a run of the mill homo-sapien news photographer. The book spans his career, from the 1940s to the 1970s as he takes pictures of various Marvel superheroes (and some supervillains) as they go about their superheroing and how they affect the ordinary people around them. The original Human Torch, Prince Namor, the SubMariner and Captain America feature first, followed by the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, Galactus, the X-Men and Spiderman.

The story, charaterisation and artwork is extraordinary! It really made me feel like I was there in the 40s, 60s and 70s.

The second book was an actual book! The Carpet People by the Terry Pratchetts - Yes, both of them. The 17 year old one and the 43 year old one - If you don't believe me, click here.
I picked it up after lunch and had finished it just before tea (the late afternoon/early evening meal, not the hot drink). Just goes to show how gripping it is!
The cover image is from the original 17 year old Terry Pratchett's book - Which he illustrated himself! The book I have is the one featured in the wikipedia link up there (if you'd bothered to click).

FYI: It didn't rain this morning so I got those hostas repotted.

Sunday 16 March 2008

It has begun

Well, my plans to repot my Hostas have been scuppered by that well known Great British institution: Rain. So, instead, I have read a book. Two, infact, as I read one last night, as well.

OK, so, technically, they weren't really books, but graphic novels. But everyone else counts them as books, so I am too. I am sure you are just dying to know which two tomes I have read? And if you're not, I don't care because I'm going to tell you anyway!

The first was Ultimate Fantastic Four, volume one: The Fantastic. It's a reimagined story (isn't everything these days) of the origins of the Fantastic Four.

It's not terribly bright or clever but the artwork and colouring make up for those shortcomings. Some of the panels were very difficult to follow too, which made following the story quite troublesome. This wasn't helped by them crossing the spine, which I practically had to break to decipher some of the narrative and dialogue. Several times I had to go back and read things in a different order to make sense of what was going on.

Anyway, that was 'book' number one. Started and finished last night. Number two was started and finished this morning. It was: The Authority (book one): Relentless.

Now, for those of you who don't know, The Authority are a superhero group with a difference - They have their own agenda. They answer to no one and have no qualms (or very few) about killing those who stand in their way - Mostly quite horrifically. Still, they're technically good guys and do look out for the best interests of Earth, not just the USA as several superhero teams do.
Oh, and two of them, Apollo and the Midnighter - The Authority's equivalent to Superman and Batman respectively - are dirty, filthy homosexuals. Yay! Although, Apollo could do with a haircut, the big jesse.
Anyway, in this first book, The Authority go up against a crazy old dictator who is breeding a superpowered army to take over the world. Then, no sooner is he vanquished than they have to deal with an invasion from an alternate Great Britain, called Albion. Needless to say, they save the day, but rather bloodily and messily.
The first few pages of dialogue are a little clunky as the origins of the team members are explained, presumeably for first time readers, but after that it's smooth sailing. Brilliant and frequently witty dialogue from the embittered Jenny Sparks and the rest of the gang make for realistic charaterisation. This, coupled with top notch artwork and some astonishing visuals, made this graphic novel a delight!

Of course, I've still to finish The Witches of Eastwick and Marshmallows for Breakfast. And I haven't started Tall, Dark and Dead or Getting Rid of Matthew yet. The Colour of Magic is languishing at the bottom of my reading pile, slowly fossilising, I think.
The likelyhood is that good old procrastination will kick in before I start/finish reading the aforementioned novels and I'll read more of The Authority instead!

Friday 14 March 2008

I beg your pardon?

At last! My true status has been verified!

This morning, as I was walking past the train station on my way to work, I was greeted thusly by the regular Big Issue seller there:

"Good morning, your Royal Highness. How are we today?"

Of course, I smiled graciously as I glided past, turning my head to face the bowing and scraping* minion who'd spoken up, and replied:

"Fine, thank you. Have a good day."

It was either that or "Beg me, Ross. Beg me." But I didn't think he'd get the reference.
Anyway, I walked towards work with a big grin slapped to my face, thinking what a wonderful start to the day.

And then I got to work and had an utterly shit day.


* He really did scrape. He looked like he was attempting to bow, but it kind of turned into a curtsey and then he looked as if he was going to fall over - Must've been the Tennants Extra he had for breakfast...

Thursday 13 March 2008

Big Red

I am all of a quiver!


Because of the impending:

I think I recognise some of those creatures. Who'd've thought they'd make it big in Hollywood?

Tuesday 11 March 2008

Rear window

According to Frobi, the latest meme in Blogland is this one: The view from your kitchen window. I must admit, I haven't seen it anywhere other than his, but then I haven't looked very hard...

Anyway, just for meme's sake, here's my interpretation:

Now, technically, this isn't the view from my kitchen window. It's the view from my back door which is right next to the window (I don't have a picture from the window and can't take one because I'm still camera-less). It's also a year and a half old - If I had taken a picture today, all you'd have seen was the fence.

So, I suppose I'd better explain what everything is.

First, from left to right, the tall things at the back: An avocado tree that I've grown from a stone (avocado stone, not an actual stony stone), a Dracaena draco (dragon tree) that I've had since I was about 10, a furry tree the name of which escapes me and some kind of tropical fruit tree - I can't remember what fruit I grew it from, only that it came from Sainsbury's a few years ago.
Then, in the middle of the picture, from left to right again starting from the plant on the dining room windowsill: A Datura (with a manky Chlorophytum {spider plant} behind it), the few crinkled, pale green leaves of a twisted willow, a Zantedeschia (arum lily) with the big arrowhead shaped leaves and a Polystichum fern unless I'm very much mistaken.
Finally, underneath all the others are: A dwarf chocolate brown foxglove, an Aspidestra tucked under the arum lily, a Spathiphyllum (peace lily) under the fern and a Box shrub in the lower right corner.

And there you have it: The view from my kitchen door!

Please feel free to do your own and let me know when you've posted it so I can have a nose.

Monday 10 March 2008

Since you went away...

It feels like I haven't been around for ages, but in fact it's only been three or four days. Although, usually I manage to at least leave comments* on other peoples Blogs, but not this time as I've been otherwise engaged - Sadly not with Tim, however, I'm sure my day will come.
No, I've had a trying weekend getting rid of NonExistant Boy. Well, I say 'getting rid of', in actual fact, I just gave him his notice - He should be out of Castle DeVice by the end of April. May at the latest! He just takes up too much time on this Christing Demon Box and by the time he's finished, I'm too tired (or already in bed) to even think about blogging, never mind actually do some.

I also had a friend's birthday to go to on Saturday evening: Drinks, food and dropping off her present the next morning. After all, I couldn't take it out with me in case it got left behind at the restaurant. And it would mean that she had to cart it about for the rest of the evening, too.

Then I visited The Parents for Sunday lunch. They're having a conservatory built - I'm just glad I'm not involved in it's construction like I was with the sheds. After that, I was instructed by Inexcuseable to visit her and my 'nephews': Her three cats. Good grief...

And then, before I knew it, it was Monday shitting morning and I had to be at work!


And, I missed Tatas unveiling The Freakin' Green Elf Short Caption Competition winner - Sorry CyberPoo - I'm just glad she didn't unveil anything else...

Still, I'm back now. Ha ha!

P.S. Just in case anyone's interested, I'm listening to the Pet Shop Boys & Dusty Springfield What Have I Done To Deserve This? as I press publish...

* I'd originally written 'vomments', which does not a pretty picture paint!

Thursday 6 March 2008

Flush Gordon away

Well, what a disappointment that was.

Let me clarify: On Monday, the Sci-fi UK channel broadcast the first episode of the new, rebooted Flash Gordon series. As I was otherwise engaged at 8pm, I taped it, looking forward to the Flash Goodness at a later date.
That later date was this evening.

As dates go, this one was a bit of a disaster. In fact, I ended it halfway through, it was so bad.
Let's take a look at Flash himself:

Tall: Check. Blond: Check. Fit body: Check. A bit gormless looking: Check. So far so good...

Now for the Space Sluts:

Slutty: Check, check and check!

And finally, Ming the Merciless:

Goatee: Che- Wait just a minute! Where in Hell's name is Ming's Goatee?

Oh, and Flash didn't get to Mongo in a rocket ship, he passed through a wibbly hole in spacetime to save money, and possibly the environment. To make matters worse, there didn't appear to be any acting involved in this new production. Or up-to-date visual effects. Or new ideas.

Most heinously: WHERE. WAS. QUEEN'S. THEME. SONG?!?

The upshot is: New Flash Gordon is rubbish. Flush it away! We can make do with the original (and by far superior), thank you.

I certainly won't be wasting another hour of my time on this drivel.

Tuesday 4 March 2008


Who's just got back from seeing Juno?

That's right. Me!

And what a wonderful film it is. Well worth the two month wait for it to be shipped over to Britland from America - Well, I can't think of any other reason for the delay...
I would write a review, but I can't be bothered, and don't really have the time, so you'll have to make do with the wiki-link up there and this poster:

I had tears in my eyes at the end. Naturally, I managed to suck them back in before leaving the cinema. But, just in case they fell out again, I put my hood up on the way home to obscure my face.

Yes, I had my hoodie on.

However, now I want a red one, like Juno. I'm fed up with black.

Sunday 2 March 2008

Shipping Hell!

The NightShip Express from Norwich International Scareport* barely lifted off last night.

How do I know?

Because the bloody great thing passed through my bedroom, that's how. Obviously not the whole thing as it's far too big. No, just the keel and a few portholes. Thankfully, the exhaust passed by on the other side otherwise I'd have asphyxiated!

I've a good mind to write a strongly worded letter to the authorities! After all, not all the denizens of this Mortal Realm are... Well, mere mortals! Some of us exist on the Cusp and can therefore interact with, and be interacted with, the Other Realm dwellers. Luckily, I tend to sleep here in the Mortal Realm while in The Host, otherwise we could have been squished!

In fact, I may have to erect some sort of Air Traffic Control Tower here at Castle DeVice in case this happens again. Normally, the NightShip passes a couple of hundred feet above my tallest turret, but if it's overloaded again (which I assume was the reason for its low altitude last night), I'd like some sort of proximity warning. Hmmm... Thinking about it, an ATCT would be very useful as I seem to live below the flightpath of various airbourne articles: Swans, hot air balloons, light aircraft, the NightShip and Beaky.

I'll look into it tomorrow...

* A highly unoriginal name, I know. But that's what you get if you spend millions on a rebranding exercise. Stupid authorities!

Saturday 1 March 2008


With thanks to Dinah, from whom I appropriated this meme.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people

Someone who, for preference, was a big strapping lad but short on brains. Someone who would do what he was told.
The biggest of the three now fleeing the dragonlands might do.

The book from which that passage came wasn't the nearest to me, as that honour belongs to some Tori Amos claptrap on the diningroom table. However, as the claptrap isn't mine, I chose to reach for one that was. And the lucky book is:

The Colour Of Magic, by Terry Pratchett.

It's the first book in line on the fourth shelf down of my bookcase. In fact, it's from the first book shelf, as the top three shelves are filled with CDs.
I haven't read this book in years, although, it has now become a contender for the First Book Read This Year, as I haven't actually finished any other book yet. I think it'll be interesting to compare Mr Pratchett's writing from then, 1983, to now, 2006 (I know it's 2008, but I don't have any books he's written from this year, probably because he hasn't finished writing one yet).

I'll let you know once I've finished.

Oh, I'm not going to tag anyone because I do a lot of that normally, anyway. So, if you fancy taking this meme, please do!