Saturday, 31 December 2005

Spectral Christmas gossip

I'm back! My host has been banished to his own subconscious once more.

"Where have you been?" I hear you ask. Even if you're not asking, I'm telling you, anyway.

I spent a most enjoyable festive period (the one without pant paddage) with the Ghosts Of Christmas.

We all spectralised around The Ghost Of Christmas Present's which he shares with The Ghost Of Christmas Future. Ooh, they've got a lovely place. Everything's so modern. Well, it would be what with The Ghost Of Chr - bugger this. From now on its TGOC - istmas Future's special insight. He's always one step ahead in the fashion/design world. He let me have a little go with his insight before some of the others arrived. Judging by some of the presents I'm going to get next year, I know someone who's getting nothing but coal in their stocking for being so cheap and thoughtless (are you reading this, Indescribable?).

TGOC Past was there. TGOC Parallel Universe turned up too but no one spoke to her because she just brags about how good her universe is. We get it! We're the Evil Universe.

TGO Aunty X-mas - She thinks she's in the X-Men because she spells her name like that. You should see her outfit. She robs morgues for clothes like Thelma but without the eye for style and fit. She looks like a new member of the Blue Rinse Brigade at a Tarts & Vicars party. The shame - was slumped in the chair in the corner having been at the cooking sherry.

TGOC Adam very obviously arrived without his wife TGOC Eve. He said she had a headache. I'm not surprised from what I heard. She'd stayed up the night before drinking the entire contents of the stickier bottles from the back of the drinks cabinet. You know the ones: Sloe gin, seven year old Advocaat and that bottle of orange stuff brought back from Corfu in 2002. It's no wonder her kids turned out the way they did.

TGOC Cheer didn't come either. We didn't expect him, not after last years debacle of him trying something new, i.e. The Christmas Mexican Wave. He got up so much momentum that he farted himself through his own arsehole*. Have you seen Alien Resurrection? That scene near the end where the newborn Alien gets sucked out of a two inch hole in the window? Well, it was like that only gassier. I imagine he's dissipated by now...
*Before you say "Who else's arsehole was he going to fart out of, then?", he's something of an anal ventriloquist. He can get in and out of anything what with being a ghost and all.

Anyway, we all had a splendid time playing rummy and gossiping. Apart from TGO Aunty X-mas who didn't stir. Not even when we played that dreadful harlot's All I Want For Christmas Is You at full volume!

Now, I've got to go. It's getting on and the Supernaturals are coming around for a little tete a tete.

* beep beep *

Oh. I've just had a text from TGOC Future. It seems TGOC Cheer has resigned his post and has taken up that of TGOC Meals. Must be because of his current more-than-ethereal state...

Something peculiar coming over me

Oh, Christ! She's back.  
Don't know when I'll get to post agai... zzst tzzppt zsk... 

Wednesday, 28 December 2005

The importance of being a gossip

I went out last night for a meal and drinks with old college friends. We do this every year between Christmas and New Year as it's the only time we're all in the same county at the same time what with all the parent visiting et al.

It's also a good time to hand out Christmas cards to those people we'd forgotten to post them to weeks ago. I was quite good this year. I only had two to give out having posted the others a week or so before Christmas.

Anyway, L & D turned up and I dutifully handed over their card (I'd already texted L a couple of days before Christmas to say I still hadn't posted it and I'd give it to her at the meal). The last card I had was for C and his girlfriend M. A few minutes later, C arrived and I was rummaging in my coat pocket for said card when I noticed that the girl following him didn't look like M. M had dark hair. This girl was blonde. Maybe she'd dyed it?

Then I saw the girl's face. She was not M.


C had a new girlfriend and I wasn't told! I turned to L and said "That's not M. Who in Christ is she?" It turned out that C & M had split up in August. August! And that C was now with B and had been for the last two weeks. Bugger. I couldn't very well give C & B the card that said to C & M so I didn't say anything - luckily I hadn't sent a text to C saying I had a card for him.

Anyway, the evening progressed successfully. No arguments, no fights, no raucousness. All in all very civilised. We ended up in a pub not far from the restaurant where we all relaxed and mingled and met other halves.

Then I heard my name mentioned in the same sentence as card. My head snapped around and I saw C looking straight at me.
"Have you got a card for me?" he said.
"So you haven't got a card for me in your pocket?"
"No. I must've left it at home."
"You're sure you haven't got a card for me and my girlfriend on you?"
At this point I turned slightly and glared at L. I might have known she'd say something.
"Did you tell him?" I asked her indignantly.
"Well, yes." I rolled my eyes. "I gauged the humour of the situation and decided that C & B would find it amusing. Especially seeing you squirm!" Then they all laughed at me.


The moral of this story is to gossip. For all you're worth. And keep in touch with your friends, I guess. Although, any one of them could have sent me a text letting me know C & M had split up. Or told me about it when I last saw them or spoke to them on the phone. From now on, whenever I speak to one of them, I'll be asking for any gossip. If there isn't any, I'll make some up so they can repeat it at the Christmas/New Year meal and look stupid instead of me.


Tuesday, 27 December 2005

How VERY festive!

Good news. Colin & Justin won Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes - despite the fact they were Robson & Jerome and (thankfully) didn't sound anything like them. Who would've thought that Colin had such a deep, powerful singing voice. I wonder what else he's hiding? Lucky Justin...

This is what the festive period is all about.

Saturday, 24 December 2005

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead?

Well. I've managed two posts (three if you include this one) without that interfering old baggage poking her nose in. If only I had the time and inclination to rummage through my thoughts and get at least one good one stapled down into this blog.

I wonder where she's gone? She obviously didn't need my body as she's left it here - and not in a particularly good state. She's so messy. It needs a bath and a shave. I guess I'll get on with it then.

I don't do Christmas, but for any of you who do, I hope you enjoy yourselves (no sarcasm intended).

Friday, 23 December 2005

Just a quickie

I have finished the Christmas shopping - sighhhhhhhhhh...

I have also been biting my inside right cheek. I don't know why. Every time I accidently catch it again, it gets more swollen which makes it even more of a target. Other than not talking or eating I don't know what else to do?

Oh, Colin & Justin were as hilarious as always last night.

That's all.

Thursday, 22 December 2005

* unknown title * - I mean, what is there to say?

I hadn't realised it'd been so long since my last post. 10 days! How slack...

I should have no end of interesting tales to regale you all with. Unfortunately, I've forgotton them all (if they were even true). I read somewhere - possibly Kellycat's blog - that most blogs aren't updated after three months. They fail. Fail! Fail!

I don't want mine to fail. I'm just very busy at the moment. Really. And not with despicable Christmas stuff. That all smacks of Bah, Humbuggery!

Well, back soon, I guess... Obviously can't do any more now because Colin & Justin are about to grace the small screen! Yay! They're such nice boys...

Monday, 12 December 2005

Of missed dates and mistakes - not mine, obviously...

Phew... What a weekend. After downing 4 out of the 6 boxes of French Fancies to take away the taste of that fat little kid who'd been hanging around the house, I was on such a sugar high that I got absolutely loads done and didn't have time to post about meeting the Supernaturals.

Who am I kidding! Yes, I did eat the French Fancies (and the kid - roasted, with a selection of seasonal vegetables) but felt so bloated and sick that I just slobbed around and did shit all. I didn't meet the Supernaturals either. I'd got the date wrong - Going tonight instead.

In fact, I must clear up the kitchen in case any of them come back tonight. They frown upon the devouring of small children and so wouldn't appreciate a draining board covered in bones (I was going to hang them in the cherry tree out back so the birds could peck at them - and hopefully get a taste for them so they'd finish off the rest of the little bleeders in the neighbourhood) and a large pyrex jug full of drained and strained fat.

- BUH-UUURRP! - Excuse me...

Friday, 9 December 2005

Mentalism. Or, A Tale Of Two Cities

I feel I should explain myselves (as inspired by a comment by Wyndham - I did it! I did it! I ceated a link that works. Watch out Bloggers, here I come!)

I, being the witch Inexplicable DeVice, dropped into this body, being the young man - 
What's your name again? 
Oh, yes
 - a couple of months or so ago. If I'd known he'd be so contrary, well, if I'd known he'd be a he, I would've dropped into someone else. If only I'd had time to do some research. Unfortunately, time was a luxury I didn't have when I had to leave my original body. Now I'm stuck with this disobedient, smart alecky -  
I sound like who?
 zzgtzs sskzzzzs 
Agnes who?
Skinner? From a cartoon?
 zzt tsszzgt
 How dare you! Mmph...
I am *NOT* like her!
 - Sorry about that little interruption. He has a high esper rating and a formidable aperception quotient which is challenging to say the least. He tends to "come through" quite often, especially when I'm drifting or emotional. In fact, I think he's written some of these posts himself. Looking back at the content, I'm sure I wouldn't have posted such banality. For that matter, looking around the kitchen leads me to believe that he had his own agenda when we went shopping the other day. I can see six boxes of French Fancies. Six!

Hmmm... I can't remember where I'm going with this. I'll come back later. Unless I'm busy. I'm supposed to be meeting the Supernaturals this evening... That Naked Knight has a lot to answer for!

Wednesday, 7 December 2005

What about fish? I 'ate fish

I was going to post something frightfully interesting but I made the mistake of reading my previous post.

I thought I'd written: "And I accidently torched my heliostat and the packet of haddock I always carry"...

Tuesday, 6 December 2005

Incendiary DeVice

This afternoon I opened a Hell Portal on my way back from work. Unfortunately, I didn't check my mood first...

A raging fireball tore across the city, radiating outwards from my position. Great gouts of flame spewing from the pulsating fissure. Huge swathes of sulphurous fire blasting into the evening sky.

Whoops. Sorry.

At least I was warm and that's what counts, right?

Oh. And I accidently torched my heliostat and the packet of hemlock I always carry.


Update: It's just been pointed out to me that this could be misconstrued as poo-air. It is not. I don't do that kind of thing. After all, I'm a very respectable (ahem) witch...

Thursday, 1 December 2005


Aaarrrrggghhhhhh! I forgot to get the washing out of the infernal machine. And I've been reminded by my sister, Inexcusable (the other one), that it's her fiance's birthday soon. Yet another present to buy. Yet more money to spend. Yet more frustrating trips around the city looking for something suitable amongst all the hideous tat.

Why don't I just use magic to get him a present and do the washing and create more money etc? Because it's too bloody complicated! You need to be a sourcerer to just create things from nothing. I could manage the washing, though, because I have all the raw ingredients such as water, washing powder, the infernal machine...

- pop -

There. Washing's done. Now I just have to have some idea of what to get the future brother-in-law with precious little currency...

Oh, and Honeytom's posting again. Have a look, do.