Thursday 28 February 2008

Star Selection

In the absence of anything coherent from myselves, I shall be pretending to be some sort of celebrity (however minor) and answering heat magazine's Star Selection and My Favourite Telly questions.

And now for My Favourite Telly (I can't be bothered to copy the graphics/layout thing - That Star Selection took long enough, but the colours are as accurate as I care to get).

TV SHOWS None now that Primeval has finished. Yes, it was an imagination stretcher, and I don't mean the past & future creatures. No, it was just aching for an extra 15 minutes of running time to expand on story, characterisation and continuity. Still, Connor (Temple, not Trinneer) is just adorably nerdy - It's worth watching just for him alone!
Actually, from Monday, a rebooted Flash Gordon is being shown on the Sci-Fi channel so I might give that a go.

PIN-UP The other Connor: Trinneer. Although as he's not on TV at the moment, at least not in Blighty, perhaps I should stick with Andrew-Lee Potts as Connor Temple?

SNACKS I don't really eat snacks while watching TV as they're too much of a distraction. In fact, I don't really eat snacks at all.

SWITCH-OFF Pretty much everything. But especially dreary soaps like Eastenders or Casualty, Reality shows (except for Strictly Come Dancing) and anything with Ricky Gervais in it.

Wednesday 27 February 2008

Earthquakes and haircuts

I've only got two things of any importance to say.

1. Yes, there was an earthquake here in Blighty. No, it wasn't anything to do with me. Yes, it woke me up. Well, partially. I thought it was a ruddy big train going by, then, when it got louder and more shakey, I realised it wasn't a train. I never for one minute thought it might've been an actual real life earthquake.
As I lay in bed getting hot and prickly wondering what was going on, I eventually decided that it was a ruddy big alien spaceship coming in for a landing. Then the shaking stopped and I fell straight back to sleep.
It wasn't until I got to work this morning and heard people talking about The Earthquake that I remembered last night's shaking and realised that I hadn't dreamt it.

2. I got my hair cut by someone other than my usual barber yesterday. The reason for this change in hair-handlers is that the usual guy stupidly fell off his moped, or something, breaking his arm amongst other things, and so is unable to work. The guy that the barbershop has temporarily brought in to pick up the slack, is a younger, chavvier model (not strutting, pouting model - too ugly). He raced through my hair rather roughly, but it wasn't unpleasant. He also moved my head around like it was the rearview mirror on his car - twisting me this way and that! The end result is a haircut that I like. A lot.

I feel like I've cheated on him - The usual guy, not the new guy.

P.S. Connie & Pigface: My 'fissure' is very small and very particular about what it 'sucks in'. 'The whole country', indeed...

P.P.S. My fishcake tastes funny but I'm going to finish eating it anyway. Please see this post if you have a sense of deja vu. I'm going to try and drown it in wine!

Sunday 24 February 2008


Lawks! Tatas is holding The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

Get over there, now! Although you'd better prepare yourselves: She's showing her bush.

Friday 22 February 2008

Witch mode of transport?

That's it! Dar Kart's had Broom quite long enough. I'm sick of the loaned umbrella for otherworldly transport. If only Car could traverse the other realms. I bet this one could...

"Hat!" I commanded to my witches hat as it clung to the wall, humming to itself like a neural parasite. It subserviently released its grip and flew over to me, landing gently on me before extending its point.

"Brolly!" The loaned umbrella reluctantly pirouetted across the floor until its handle rested in my outstretched hand.

"We're going to fetch Broom" I informed it. It shook a little and whined. "No, I'm only flying you as far as the NightShip stop. Hanging beneath you may be OK for the likes of Poppins, but it's not OK with me. It's undignified."

And with that I stepped out of the door, locked it behind me, walked down the back passage to the patio and opened the umbrella. A quick glance around confirmed that none of the neighbours were around, or peering out of their windows. I gritted my teeth and hissed "Come on, then. Let's get this over with."

Rather grudgingly, I had to admit that lift off was a lot more sedate than on Broom. But, still, hanging from one's mode of transport just looks daft. I was cringing all the way to the NightShip stop on Mousehold Heath.

Wednesday 20 February 2008


I liberated this meme from a Small Glass Planet somewhere. Spike (and anyone else that may be interested), if you visit the Norwich label while you're there, you'll see where I live - Not literally, mind, as my actual castle isn't pictured (the other, more well known one is, though).

Anyway, on with the meme:

Where is your cell/mobile phone? Wherever it is, it's switched off or on silent.

Vehicle? I think you all know Car. And Broom!

Hair? Needs a cut.

Father? Yeah, he's still alive. And no I'm not one!

Your favorite thing? It'd have to be Car.

Dream last night? Something bizarre.

Favourite drink? Blueberry & pomegranate juice. Or a ruddy big G&T!

Room you are in? My dining room.

Your ex? George Knight or the Wriggler?

You are? Here.

What do you want to be in ten years? In a better body. A published author? Rich? A Smug Married? Alive?

Who did you hang out with today? The work hag.

What you're not? Heading anywhere with any direction in mind.

Muffins? I'll take six, please. Two cheese and bacon, a white chocolate and apricot, a raspberry, and two double double chocolate

One of your wish list items? A crate of self-sealing stem bolts. Either that or a working pair of eyeballs.

Where is the ____ ? end.

The last thing you did? Gulped some coffee to wash down a huge mouthful of chocolate and almond cake. The very same one which caused the chocolate snot.

What are you wearing? Scruffs: Jeans, blue T-shirt and black hoodie.

Your pet(s) ? All rabbit familiars are dead - Nuffy, Gitface (nee Mopsy) and Wilma - and I don't think Beaky counts. Or Mrs Beaky, for that matter. Yes, the evil little bugger has taken a mate...

Your computer? Is a miserable, clattering old clank destined to be usurped.

Your life? What's that?

Your mood? Is governed by the SubC's and our spleen.

Missing? Oh, how I wish I was. The serious answer would be Love. No, I take that back. I've got Love, I just need a man to go with it.

What are you thinking about right now? How bitter and alone I am - answering the previous question didn't help. Oh, and how long it'll take the Alsations to fully devour me.

Your shoes? Are under the chair.

Your work? Is becoming more intolerable.

Your summer? Well, last year was OK because the temperature didn't rise to more than 20 degrees.

Your favorite colour? Grey. I told you: My eyes don't work. The Host's colourblind.

Gosh. What a bloody miseryguts!

Tuesday 19 February 2008

Chocolate snot

If ever there was a reason for picking one's nose and eating it, it's this:

Yesterday, I made a chocolate and almond cake. After I'd added the cocoa, I put the cocoa tin down a little harder than I intended. A brown cloud burst from the tin, which I then inhaled, albeit accidently.
Since then, whenever I've blown my nose (I've just caught a cold*), the... outcome has been chocolatey.

I would like to add that I haven't actually picked my nose and eaten it, as that would be disgusting.

Tangentially, I've just seen Jumper at the cinema. Luckily, I left my expectations at work so the film turned out to be very good! I just have two bugbears about it:

The first - I didn't realise Italians were so tall! Let me explain: When our very young looking hero, Hayden Christensen, and his slutty girlfriend, Rachel Bilson, are in a hotel in Rome, Rachel opens a wardrobe and tries to hang her coat on one of the hangers therein. Well, the poor dear can barely reach the hanger - Even standing on tiptoe! Cue Hayden, who also struggles to reach the hangers. Jeepers! The rail that those hangers are hanging off must be nearly eight feet off the ground!!

The second - Samuel L Jackson's hair. What is with the white doormat slapped on his bonce?

Plus, I'd like to have seen more of Jamie Bell's character's backstory. His was the most intriguing character. What made him so jaded and lassez faire? Oh, there were hints of lost family & friends a la Christensen's character, but nothing to get one's teeth into. Still, there's room for a sequel/prequel (hopefully without Christensen, who's 'acting' hasn't improved since the travesty that was Star Wars. Of course, as T-Bird so eloquently put it: He is so very, very pretty.

And that's the end of today's instalment.

* It took some catching, I can tell you. I was out of breath by the time I'd chased it along Castle Meadow and down Prince of Wales Road. I managed to flying tackle it into submission on the bridge opposite the rail station.

Sunday 17 February 2008

Oh dear...


Yoink! I nabbed this from WillowC, who thieved it from someone else by all accounts.

Lets hope Zombies don't suddenly become fashionable...

Saturday 16 February 2008

A & E

I am totally in love with Goldfrapp's latest single, A&E.

I've had to link to their MySpace page so you can listen to the track (and others if you so desire), because I don't know how to embed music thingies (I don't even know what the proper name is - I'm such a technological doofus).

No, wait... I've just remembered good old YouTube!


I can't make out whether this is happy or sad, but I don't care. It makes me happy just shrieking along to it in Car (which I did today, several times, to and from work). My vocal chords are a bit raspy now, though...

Thursday 14 February 2008

Timothy Scissorhands

* twang *

Oh, no. Not again...

* poof *

Wherever I'd ended up, pink tweed upholstery fabric was masquerading as the latest thing in twinset fabrics. Hornrim glasses seem to be de rigeur, too. I adjusted mine and walked down the path and away from the garishly coloured house, noting as I did so that the bushes could do with a trim.

As I approached what I assumed to be my car, a pale yellow sedan of some description - American, judging by its sheer size - I noticed a creepy old house on the hill at the end of the cul de sac.

Ah, ha! I thought, realisation hitting me.

Once in the car, I drove through the dilapidated gates and up the winding driveway to the looming old mansion.

Clutching my pearls in one hand and my huge makeup bag in the other, I gracefully got out of my sedan - keeping my legs together, naturally, not wanting to cause a Li-Lo-style scene. I approached the mansion and, noticing that it was ajar, pushed open the massive wooden front door.

"Ding dong! Evil- I mean, Avon calling!" I called through the cavernous entrance hall. Stepping over the threshold and into the wide open space, I called again. "Helloooo? Is there anybody home?"

After a few seconds and no response, I made my way up the curving stone steps. "Helloooo?" I called again on the landing. Noticing another, smaller, flight of stairs, I ascended them and emerged into what must have been the attic, only half of it was open to the elements seeing as part of the roof had collapsed. "Hello?"

Glancing around, I saw what looked like a bed in a large, unused fireplace. Strewn around it were comics graphic novels, air-fix kit starships and what looked suspiciously like unwashed, crispy Big Bang pants! And to top it all off, a faded poster of Autumn Reeser inexpertly stuck to the chimney-back.

This could mean only one thing!

Peering around in the gloom, I noticed a dark shadow under the eaves. "Hello. I won't hurt you" I called encouragingly. "Come on out. I'm just your neighbourhood Avon representative."

And from the darkness he shuffled:

Image by Tazzy & Piggy Incorporated

"Oh..." I gasped. He is Hot! Even in all that leather bondage gear. An evil thought popped into my head. "Well, hello" I smiled at him. "I'm Peg, your Avon represen- Oh! You've got something on you. Just there" and I pointed at Tim's shoulder.

He looked confused then raised his arm, finger-blades scissoring

* snip snip *

"Oh, you missed it. There. A bit lower."

* snip * * snip snip *

"No. It's fallen down. It's on your waist now."

* snip snip snip *

"Other side."

* snip snip *

"To the right a bit..."

* snip *

"Oh, half of it's fallen to your thigh."

* snip * *snip snip *

* schooooooof *

"Oh no!" I exclaimed with an evil grin. "Your clothes have fallen off!"

P.S. Come back soon, Tim.

Tuesday 12 February 2008

Answers on a...

After MJ's belated prize giving at Smunty's, I thought it was high time for me to do the same.

Except without the prizes.

There have been a few instances where I've asked you to place a quote, or answer a question or somesuch, but haven't actually got around to awarding the Snaps, or acknowledging the winner.

So, here, in no particular order are the questions/quotes/winners etc.:

Snaps to ErosWings for correctly answering, albeit fabulously indelicately: "Oh, and the Witches of Eastwick! Awesome movie! I do believe Felicia says this to Clyde in the midst of her self loving, right before she bends over to blow cherries." This was, of course, to this quote which I used as the title to the 10th February post: "He'll propagate, Clyde. He will increase his number."

Now, this next quote went unanswered. In fact, T-Bird said she was going to have a guess but * huffed * instead because I didn't tag her... Anyway, the quote was: "I must dictate a most crucial memo!" and it was from the 25th January 2008 post. I asked: Does anyone know, or can anyone guess who said this? Bonus points if you know where she was at the time.

The answer is: Pam Cunard (as played by Julie Walters) of Live With Pam fame. At the time of uttering the quote (in which 'memo' is pronounced 'meemo'), Pam was in a lift with Victoria Wood and her friend Lorraine Spence (played by Kay Adshead). I can't remember if it was said before or after Victoria Wood asked Pam's producer if she'd ever had a large tweed sofa inserted half way down her throat. To her credit, the producer said she had once at a party in Brighton.

On to the third instance of prizelessness. After the 1st January 2007 post, I said: However, you will get Snaps if you can find the post (or posts) that the falling cake could link to.
Double snaps if you can name the author, book and character(s) that this post's plot device was inspired by.
There are also a couple of tenuous allusions to two British comedy shows that, if you correctly name them, will also get you Snaps. Good luck!

Dinah was first finding the post/s, with: "Flight of the Thaumjammer, part two? From May? I looked back.
Also, I'm surprised at how much cake plays a part in stories here. I'm rather hungry now."
Spike darling received double Snaps with his answer: "The Colour of Magic." He didn't need to name the author & characters because I knew full well that he knew them. The author is Terry Pratchett and the characters are Rincewind & Twoflower.
As for the two British comedy shows, Skillz was the only person to take a guess with: "Red Dwarf?" which was wrong. Ha!
One of the shows was The League Of Gentlemen, as alluded to with this line: It's a good pen, is that! In the show, Pauline Campbell-Jones, the tyrannical Job Centre ogre, utters the line, but I can't remember in which particular episode.
The other show is eluding me at this particular moment - It may be one of Victoria Wood's many offerings. Possibly relating to the line: no matter how much I like them in the last (full sized) sentence. I may have meant it to sound like Celia Imrie in a spoof panty pad advert when she says "I want a pad that can stay dry no matter how much blue ink I pour over it!"

Oh. Was that all? I thought there were more...
Ah, well: SNAPS to the winners!

Sunday 10 February 2008

"He'll propagate, Clyde. He will increase his number."*

I heard something very disturbing this morning while taking my bath.

Through the open window, I heard the distinctive 'strangled' low song of a male blackbird attempting to attract a mate.

As I lay amongst the bubbles, luxuriating in the heat and heady scent of jasmine and fig extracts, a thought popped into my mind, barging aside all others:


I remembered the thought of being watched yesterday as I did some gardening. I'd seen a female blackbird hopping around underneath the cherry tree, but paid her little heed. It seems I shouldn't have been so complacent. Beaky was probably perched somewhere, glaring at me like a velociraptor eyeing its prey from a hidden vantage point.

After my bath, I retired to the back room, off my bedroom. As I sat at my desk, gazing out of the window, Beaky flew down and alighted on the gable end above the bathroom. He turned enough so that one evil eye was fixed upon me. Smirking - as much as one can with a beak - he lifted his tail and shat on the tiles before swooping off low over the garden. Little bastard!

Then, a bit later on, I was in the garden poking, pruning and purveying, when the evil little monster, bold as brass, soared over next door's fence and landed in the bird bath where he proceeded to primp and preen, readying himself for courtship no doubt!

If he thinks he's raising his monstrous progeny in my garden, he's got another thing coming!

* Snaps to whoever knows (or guesses) who said this, and from which film it was taken.

Wednesday 6 February 2008


Just time for a quick update:

Nagging Inexcuseable for Indescribable's party pics has commenced.
I saw Cloverfield last night
I need a haircut
Broom is in the 'board again - I've been loaned a courtesy umbrella* until Broom's finished
I will get around to that octopus thing soon
Even thinking of things to write here is difficult
Smiling makes my face ache

Ummm... Back soon when time slows down to its normal speed.

* A bit like Mary Poppins' but with more flounce. In fact, it's more like a ruddy parasol!

Monday 4 February 2008

Don't get your hopes up

Well, I'm back.

I've just got time to let you know what is to come:

A witch on a bouncy castle
The undrinkable
An explanation for that octopus down there...

Oh, and hopefully not Tim after MJ's dirty talk.

I'm so disappointed...

P.S. The 'things to come' is dependant on Inexcuseable emailing me her pictures from Saturday night. I'm about to commence nagging her...

Friday 1 February 2008

Off again

Yes, I'm disappearing again for a couple of days. It's my sister Indescribable's 30th birthday on Sunday, so The Parents, Inexcuseable & her husband and myselves will be descending upon her to mark this ridiculous occasion. She's having a party on Saturday night, so we'll be away for the whole weekend.

I really should be decorating her cakes right now. Yes, I said cakes plural. The greedy cow wants two - One for Saturday night, and the other for her actual birthday. I have made them, but they're so full of bitterness and resentment that they'll need sweetening up with lashings of icing.

I'll be back Monday. Well, I'll be back Sunday evening, but it's a friend's birthday - DeadFlesh actually - so I'll be out of commission then, too.

Gah! Bloody socialising. I want to be a miserable old stick-in-the-mud and stay at home, moaning!


P.S. CyberPoo: This isn't the post I was working on yesterday - That's still to come. Probably Monday as you predicted.

EDIT 20:27 - I've just watched Donnie Darko and feel sad and weirded out. I need to cry but can't. Shit.