Sunday 30 April 2006

Sister blister

"Christ All Mighty!"

"Switch it off! Switch it off!" I screeched. Indescribable was gripping the shaft so tight that her knuckles looked like they were about to pop out of her skin.

* CRASH! *

"Arrghh! My shin!" she yelled, letting go of the broom which shot across the room, smashed through the window and tore off into the sky. I stared after it, wide eyed.

"You silly, stupid cow" I said, turning towards her with my hands on my hips. Indescribable looked up at me and stuck her tongue out. It was yellow. She'd been eating pear drops again. "This is exactly why mum wouldn't let you have a broom, because you're a thoughtless, selfish, clumsy, oblivious shit! My left hand, controlled by Subconscious, started to make the sign of a hex. Unfortunately, Indescribable saw and bound it quickly. Cow! I rolled my eyes in a manoeuvre Fuckkit would be proud of.

Indescribable got up off the floor and untangled herself from the table leg she'd banged her shin on. "Can't you go after it? You've got another broom, haven't you?" she whined. Daggers practically leapt from my eyes.

"Yes I have. But by the time I get the ancient thing started the one you lost will be in orbit!"

"Well. You should take better care of your things" she mumbled quietly.

"WHAT?!" I shouted. Indescribable flinched. I had involuntarily opening a Hell Portal behind me, such was my anger.

Just inside the Portal sat Fekxzl, the demon from Norwich Union. I had forgotten they'd taken over the franchise. Tapping his foot impatiently, he asked " ar yar sendin' enywun in'r nut?"

"What?" Fekxzl wasn't very good with his speech and capital letters were a foreign concept to him. It took me a couple of seconds to work out what he was on about. "Oh. No. Sorry."

He looked Indescribable up and down and sneered. "ackk. y'can keep 'er." And with that, he closed the Portal and vanished.

Narrowing my eyes, I turned back to my sister. "I get charged for opening one of those now, you know. I should've chucked you in." Indescribable just shrugged.

Sighing, I tried to remember where I'd put my spare broom...


Friday 28 April 2006

Lightning strike

I have absolutely no idea what to write about. Nothing much has happened lately. I imagine I'll think of something by Monday.

In case you're wondering about the significance of the title to this post: There is none! I was going to post a bitmap pic I created of a thunderstorm but it's 1.98 MB...



I think I may have made it smaller. Well, 205KB. Anyway, here it is:

Wednesday 26 April 2006

No response

Should he take of me

my strength, my will, my soul?

Would he live as I cannot?

I would give my self to him

so he might live as I will not.

Would he know my sacrifice,

my existence without life?

Sunday 23 April 2006

Brown jelly babies

Oof! I'm back.

I dropped a penny the other day, turned and stooped to pick it up and accidently spun into a different universe. The one with the brown jelly babies!

The little bleeders were everywhere. It's sinister the way they creep up on a target and intimidate them before going in for the kill. Its a good job I had my wits about me - and working legs and arms, for that matter. There're no specials in that universe - they were among the first to be picked off, along with the elderly and infirm, unattended babies and toddlers and the self absorbed.

Such was the shock of ending up penny-less, that I fell over! Normally, I'm not so clumsy, but I was practically on my hands and knees anyway when I lost my balance after reaching for the penny that was left in this universe. At that point I hadn't realised exactly where I was or I wouldn't have done what I did next.

Mortified at the thought of being seen to have fallen over, like the clumsy, ham-fisted person I most definitely am not, I feigned unconsciousness/death. I hoped to be ignored by anyone that may have been around, just like anyone that falls in this universe is. Well, either that or laughed at. While I was lying there, I peered out through narrowed, squinting eyes, checking out my surroundings. I couldn't hear anyone and couldn't detect people-sized movement either so I opened my eyes wide and started to get up.

That's when I noticed them. Surrounding me were dozens of tiny brown creatures, some with patches of white on them. They were advancing on me incredibly slowly. Blinking a couple of times to focus better I saw what they were.

I have never moved so fast in my life! Luckily, the unbaptised boy fat was still coursing through my veins (actually, most of it had congealed in my arteries, threatening to give me a heart attack - another reason witches prefer assisted flight with brooms to non-assisted 'fat' flight) so I moved straight up.

The expressions on their evil little faces was lost on me at the distance I was from them but I could tell by their movements that they were less than pleased. Breathing a sigh of relief, I left the little sods and flew off to find a wide, open space to gather myself where they couldn't sneak up on me.

Anyway, the reason I've been away so long is that I didn't know the right anti-spin to get back here. I got to the Brown Jelly Baby Universe by accident so I had to recreate the spin that got me there then work out the anti-spin to leave it. It took days. And several unintended, unofficial visits to other, less bizarre, universes.

The moral of this story is: Don't bother picking up dropped pennies. They're not worth the hassle. Or is it: Be careful how you spin? Either one works...

Tuesday 18 April 2006

Freezer burns

Pretty, isn't it?

Of course, you wouldn't one of these things hibernating in your freezer, would you?

Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened the freezer to get some sausages out and nearly had my eyebrows singed off by my little friend here.

I know the freezer needed defrosting but not that badly. Plus, all the food that was in there is now little more than dusty black piles of ash. I was really looking forward to sausages, too!

Eventually, I managed to entice it from the freezer, out of the kitchen and into the fireplace - a much more suitable loitering place. Now, though, I don't know what to do with it. Admittedly, it's keeping the house warm so I'm not wasting money on the gas bill, but it can't stay indefinitely.

Nuffy, my new rabbit familiar, doesn't like it - he keeps growling at it and kicking buckets of water over it. Not that the water makes any difference - it evaporates long before it makes contact.

The Supernaturals are coming 'round tomorrow - maybe they'll have some suggestions...

P.S. You simply must go and visit Ickle Bro (No, not mine. Funny Thing's), he's got this fabulously disgusting poo game that's rather moreish!

Thursday 13 April 2006

Of Heliostats and secateurs

I've got a new heliostat!

Some of you may remember that I lost my previous one in an unfortunate orifice incident a while ago.

This new one's fantastic. A lot more modern and portable, too. Although the sporadic nature of the sunshine lately has thwarted my use of it somewhat. That and the eclipse caused by Fuckkit's enormous arse.

What little sun there's been has induced spring. All this new growth has meant that things need pruning and cutting back. An ideal job for a pair of secateurs. A new pair of secateurs, in fact, because my current ones leave rough edges since using them to do some finger pruning...

Can you tell that I didn't have time for a more lengthy post?

Tuesday 11 April 2006


I can't tell whether young Cesc wants what's looming behind him in his mouth or not.

Can you?

Chocolate rant

In an homage to Tina, but less eloqueyntely, informatively and swearily, I rant:

I opened one of those sample bags bags of Premium Selection chocolates from Thornton's the other day. It had been given to me for my birthday by an old work friend - I just hadn't got around to eating them before now, due to, strangely, going off chocolate.

Without bothering to look at what was in the bag, I grabbed the top one and popped it in my mouth.

Delightful, albeit slightly artificial tasting.

The next one was enrobed in white chocolate with brown stuff on top. Coffee grounds?

Yes. It was OK. More articial tasting than the first one. It also tasted a bit burnt.

Then I decided to look at what types there were and how many were left. There were six different types and seven chocolates left and I'd already tried two of the six varieties. On to the third variety, then. Dark Champagne Truffle.

Vom. It tasted like the smell of turd.

Inspecting the remaining six chocolates, I could see that three were all the same. There had only been one champagne chocolate, thankfully. I could see one white one amongst the remaining dark ones and it was at the top so it was next to go. White Chocolate Mousse.

Bland. Insipid. Not worth opening my mouth for. How much more could my poor taste buds take?

In an effort to be rid of these abominations, I reached for one of the three Heavenly Hazelnuts.

I might as well have chucked it straight down the toilet.

How fucking dare you, Thornton's? A bag full of moulded shite, three of which were the same and, might I point out, contemptible. You couldn't possibly have put three nice ones in, could you? Three of the first ones? The Double Chocolate Truffles? No. It had to be the stenchful, cack-like hazelnut ones.
I daren't even try the Milk Manon because it's either the most horrendous of the lot, or, it's absolutely divine (but I doubt it) which will placate me somewhat if I do eat it. But I'm not going to.

Fuck off Thornton's, you bunch of cack-making imbeciles.

I hate you.

Saturday 8 April 2006

Hark at them

Because I can't be arsed to write anything meaningful, I give you a list of witches of some repute. The top six are currently in my good books and the rest (in no particular order) need to do some grovelling...

Agatha Harkness

Margo Ledbetter

Bree Van De Kamp

Evil Edna

Tallulah 'T-Bag' Bag

Esmerelda 'Granny' Weatherwax

And the rest:

Gytha 'Nanny' Ogg
Magrat Garlick
Agnes (Perdita X Dream) Nitt
Mavis Cruet
Alexandra Medford
Sukie Ridgemont
Jane Spofford

Wanda 'The Scarlet Witch' Maximoff
Agnes Nutter
Anathema Device (no relation)
Cassie Hughes
The Wicked Witch of the West
The Wicked Witch of the East
Glenda the Good Witch
Witch Hazel
Jadis the White Witch

Wednesday 5 April 2006

Tuesday 4 April 2006

My first Poo Post

There was a mermaid in the swimming pool this morning.

Of course, no one took any notice. Everyone was just being terribly British about the whole spectacle. Even when she slithered out at the shallow end and started drying her tail at the side of the pool...

I noticed, however. Not at first, mind. It was only when I was doing a length underwater - goggles on, naturally - that she became apparent. And I don't mean her tail.

A long string of poo trailed from her bum as she swam around, like those dirty guppies or goldfish do.

Needless to say, I got out sharpish, leaving her (and the rest of the early morning swimmers) to swim around in her own feculence.

Dirty bint.

After Frobisher's 'Jackie Collins' comment (see the comments of the next post down), I'm toying with the idea of adding a couple of 'racy' paragraphs, but don't know if I dare. I don't want this to become a Not Safe For Work Blog. Your thoughts, please...

EDIT 05/04/06 17:53 - After much consideration, I've decided not to post the porn (sorry Spike). I don't want you all thinking I'm some sort of perv!

Sunday 2 April 2006

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

You've harangued me in your multitudes (well, four of you did), so here is the porn:

(Naked) Knight slammed the front door, spun around and launched himself at me (us).

"Wait!" What was I doing? Why was I putting this off? "What are you doing?"

"Something I've wanted to do for a long while now" NK said, pressing himself against me (Blacksmith) and standing on tiptoes to kiss me (us).

Yes! I mean "Get off! This isn't me."

Suddenly, Blacksmith's metal pants surged over my (BS's) body, getting thinner as they stretched over my (his) muscular frame until I (BS) was covered, head to foot except for my (BS's) face, with a shiny metal skin! It appeared to be some kind of anti-'poking' shield, a defence mechanism of the subconscious' doing.

"There" I said, smugly. What? I was doing it again! How could I not want him?

NK backed off slightly, a surprised look on his face. He dipped his head and looked down between us.

"Aw, yeah!"

"Huh?" I looked down too. " - ! - "

Well! I've never been so impressed. And I (BS) certainly was impressed - hard into NK's abs. It was bigger than his and covered in metal too! The Host must've left his subconscious here. This inappropriate poking must be his doing.

I started feeling a bit dizzy. Maybe because there were four of us vying for space and control in Blacksmith's head? Or maybe because of the massive blood loss from my (BS's) brain to my (his) extreme extremity? Knight took advantage and pushed me (BS) to the foot of the stairs, releasing his 'opportunity' from his jeans.

My subconscious gave up and the metal skin shrank back on itself to form a band around each of my (BS's) forearms. With this lapse of concentration, the Host's subconscious took control, leaving Blacksmith's consciousness loitering at the back of his mind. He seemed very obliging to all this and I sensed a voyeuristic streak was being satisfied. Physically, he turned out to be most accommodating...

Well! I have never been so infiltrated in my lives.

Wait. Did I say 'infiltrated'? I meant 'infiltrated'.

Damnit! I mean 'infiltrated'!


* Yes. That's the word...