Monday 28 April 2008

... And now you're up to date.

Well, you will be once you read this update:

12th April: My Spinsterhood has been affirmed. How? By my tolerance of cats. And their tolerance of me!
Tragically, little Spikey (of Catlitteracy fame) didn't use his Green Cross Code and was catapulted into the afterlife. Inexcuseable was devastated, naturally. Even I felt the stirrings of emotional wretchedness. Of course, it may have been gas...
Anyway, I visited Inexcuseable and was surprised to find that Popeye - so named because he only has one eye - jumped up on the sofa where I was sitting and demanded attention of the stroking and scratching variety. Before I knew it, I found myself obliging. Most peculiar.
A little while later, Inexcuseable's other black tom, Rodney - with two functional eyes - stalked into the room, seemingly unaware of my presence. Normally, after only the merest glimpse, Roddy would run a mile - He detests men, you see. His previous male owner hadn't been very kind to him, evidently. But he didn't run this time. He glared at me from his position on the floor at the end of the sofa, then jumped up and made his way towards me. Inexcuseable was gobsmacked! His haughtiness dissipating with every step, Roddy eventually sauntered across my legs and sat down beside me allowing himself to be tickled behind the ears and stroked from head to tail.
Apparently, Popeye and Rodney miss Spike, Inexcuseable told me, and that is the only reason for their sudden friendliness. Hmmph! I bet. It's really because they sensed my Spinsterhood. I'm doomed!

19th April: From my bedroom window, I watched in fascinated horror as a hawk swooped down and landed heavily on a blackbird.
Oh no! I mean: Oh good! No more interfering, dictatorial ex-Familiar.
Sadly, it seems Beaky has been watching Star Wars The Phantom Menace and taken a leaf out of Queen Armadillo's book by employing a squadron of looky-likey 'handmaidens' - The devious little stinker. I saw him the next day giving me the evil eye from his perch in The Cherry Tree as I popped out to run some errands.
Ah, well. I suppose it just wouldn't be the same without my arch nemesis around. Besides, if anyone/thing's going to take Beaky out, it should be me!

23rd April: My new Demon Box was delivered to The Parent's house. Actually, it was delivered to their neighbour because The Parents had had the audacity to go out. I mean, for Christ's sake - They shouldn't be having any semblance of a life at their age. They're over 60! It's embarassing.

26th April: The first hot sunny day since that freak mini-summer back in February. I wore a t-shirt while pottering about in the garden and managed to get some freckles! Yay!
I also found a young toad in a bag of compost that had been stuffed under the barbecue. At least I know where to find fresh ingredients now...
Oh, I was also supposed to go out in Cromer in the evening, but the plans were scuppered by copius vomitting (not my own) and late night calls (neither made nor received by myselves), so it's been postponed until this coming Saturday.

27th April - The Day of the Rat: Lounged about in The Parents' new conservatory - Although, it's almost big enough to be classed as an orangery! However, my lounging didn't go unnoticed by The Father and he soon had me dirtying up my hands and clothes by filling plastic sacks with compost, then lugging them across the garden to the car so The Mother could take them up to her allotment.
It was only after I was covered in compost that The Father showed me the huge rat he'd caught in another compost heap. It's head smushed by the sprung steel trap. Eww! Half the compost I was covered in was probably rat faeces!
After I got home and unloaded the new Demon Box from Car - Who managed to average 51.2 miles per gallon on the 25 mile trip back from The Parents, no less - I popped out into the garden to make the most of what little sun remained before attempting to assemble the infernal Demon Box. I was about to step off the paysho onto the lawn when I noticed a monstrous rat - How I didn't release a Ned "Purple Drapes" Flanders* scream I don't know?
The gigantic creature was half crouched in the middle of the lawn and hadn't seemed to have noticed me looming over it. After staring in horror at it for what seemed like an eternity, I realised it was almost dead, either from poison or an unseen injury. I managed to gather my wits together and drop a big plastic box (usually used to put stuff for recycling in) over it and weigh it down with bricks. With my sphincter tightly clenched and my toes curled, I managed to hobble back into the house wringing my hands and hoping that it would be dead by morning.

Today: Which it was. Quite how I managed not to have nightmares of lifting the box and the rat leaping out at my face, I don't know. Anyway, this morning, I gingerly lifted the box to discover a rat corpse. After more sphincter tightening and toe curling, I wrapped the stiff corpse in a bin bag and dumped it unceremoniously into the wheelie bin (which is being emptied tomorrow morning, thank goodness).
Oh, and I (with the help of a VERY patient young woman called Yashika from the Virgin Media helpline) finally managed to get the Demon Box connected to the internet. What a bloody palaver that was. Still at least it's done now.

Ooh look! I'm on the internet at home!

And now you're really up to date.

I'm not used to this blogging lark now. I'm exhausted! I think I'll make a few quick rounds before retiring to bedfordshire and contemplating the next post (hopefully with pictures from my new camera).

Oh, and I would also like to thank you all for sticking around during my rather sporadic, and somewhat over-dramatised, posting.

* It should've been a Ned "The Murderer" Flanders scream but I think "Purple Drapes" is better known.

Thursday 24 April 2008

Good times have run aground


Demon Box was supposed to be delivered yesterday morning to The Parents, but for some long and convoluted reason, it was changed to this morning.

However, The Parents weren't in this morning, so I'm hoping that a neighbour (if they haven't all died of old age) has accepted the delivery. If it's even been delivered, that is.

I'm on the verge of turning this into a psychological drama of epic proportions. Luckily, I've managed to thwart the impending outburst by smothering it in chocolate cake! I don't know how long my cake supplies will last though...

Monday 21 April 2008

News from one of the two toffs!

The Coven's sexy thoughts aside, I have news on the Demon Box front!

I ordered a Dell thingummydoodah on Friday which should be delivered in a week or so. If all goes according to plan (and installing the blasted thing doesn't take more than a whole weekend) I should be a full time blogger again next week!


I have also purchased a card-thingy for my digital camera, so I can now take pictures. And I have a DVD player!! Good times ahoy!!!

Mind yourselves on the exclamation marks.

Wednesday 16 April 2008

Servicing Tim

* comes up for air *

Mwah hah hah hah hah hah hah ha-


It was all a dream. I haven't spent the best part of a week ministering to Tim after all.


* mopes *

I don't know where he is either?

Tuesday 8 April 2008

Rrroooaaaawwwwwaaarrrrr!!! Part Two

Actually, it probably isn't that difficult to purchase a new Demon Box. It's just that I can't seem to do anything without turning it into some sort of drama.

Here's where I'd post a video of Drama by Erasure. But seeing as I can't access YouTube at work, you'll have to make do with a blank space instead.

I think I need some help because I don't really know what I need. I would ask my various Selves but Witchface is worse than useless at all this "new fangled stuff". And Cyfa's all thumbs when it comes to this "ancient technology".

I'm thinking of this. Will it do? What is Vista? Should I go with XP instead? How many megabytes does this thing need? What is a megabyte?


I'm going for another almost-cry and a gin. I expect some answers when I get back.

Just imagine the mighty H & Claire's Too Close To Tears here.

T-Bird: I'd love to be able to come back to your Herr Lipp-style comment a couple of posts ago, but alas, I can't remember enough to make it work. Instead, I'm going to go skidding off on a tangent.

I would have watched the DVD, but I don't have one of those either - The DVD player was NonExistant Boy's, too. I'm currently waiting for Indescribable to get me a new one. Although I may be waiting for some time...


* Blog skids off on tangent *


* collapses into Sparky Malarkey and utters, with rubbish German accent *

Oh, Timothy, Timothy. Mine very own Timothy. You saved my life.

I shall never forgive you...

Monday 7 April 2008


Who'd've thought obtaining a new Demon Box could be so torturous and complicated?

I am very close to tears.

Of frustration, not wussiness.

I'm also hungry, so I'm going home to eat.

Thursday 3 April 2008

It's all about me!

Right. I thought it was about time that I answered your questions before they burn holes in your souls. For your convenience, I have categorised them as follows: Food & Drink, unLife, IWeMeUs, Rude and Tatas(?). You'll also notice that there are links to the question posers - gods only know where you'll end up if you click on them, as I just copied and pasted from the comments...

Here we go!

Food & Drink

wyndham said...
Chicken or fish? As unusual as this may sound, I'll take fish every time. I've seen the horrible conditions those grotesque chickens are kept in, and have vowed never to eat another chicken or egg (unless it's free range).

Tatas said...
Larger or beer? Larger than what, Tatas?

Red or white wine? White. Red gives me a headache. And stained fangs.

Whiskey or brandy? Cherry brandy!

CyberPete said...
Pepsi or Coca-Cola? On the rare occasions that I drink cola, it's Coke. Pepsi tastes watery and wrong.

T-Bird said...
If you were on death row, what meal would you order? One's treated to a final meal these days? My, how times have changed. Last time I was 'disposed of', I didn't get time to take a breath, never mind a mouthful!

But, as the choice is now mine, I'd have a sticky guinea-fowl salad with Seville orange dressing, followed by tiramisu.

Oooh! I have another one: What's your favourite restaurant? After sampling the above salad there last Friday evening, I'm going for The Last in Norwich.


MJ said...
Coronation Street or EastEnders? Corrie, easily. 'Enders is far too morbid and shrill.

Tara said...
What is your favorite movie of all time? And why? Oh, I have so many favourites! But at the moment, I'm torn between The Witches Of Eastwick and Priscilla: Queen Of The Desert. I love them both for their concepts, actors, music, costumes and quotability to name but a few reasons.

MJ said...
Who would win in a bitchfight? You? Or CyberPoof? In the Battle Of The Bitches, my Linda "Krystal Carrington" Evans vs CyberPetra's Joan "Alexis Colby etc" Collins would certainly be a sight to see! I'm always up for winning and getting my own way, so I'm not averse to biting, hair-pulling, gouging with nails, kicking, throwing sequins in eyes and neck punching, but I think CyberPetra's bitchy and cutting comments do stand a chance of taking me down.

CyberPete said...
What are you wearing? As I type this, rust-coloured cord Levi 512s and a black T-shirt over a white long sleeved top with tan trainer/shoe things.

What were you thinking? Hey! I thought that was pretty stylish for The Host's work.

Dynasty or Dallas? Dynasty, as if you couldn't tell.

Take That or Boyzone? Take That (mainly for Jason and Howard). Boyzone are too ugly (except for Nicky) and I can't stand their incessant covers!

Deep Violet or Candy Apple? Deep Violet (I hope this isn't something rude?).

Big bang pants or commando? Well, I prefer to see a man with some clothes on and not standing around dangling. So, I prefer Tim in his Big Bang pants and nothing else!

Tara said...
Oh I have one, seriously. When you go shopping for groceries, do you put the shopping cart in the designated spot in the parking lots or do you just leave it astray so the next person parking their car has to maneuver around it? Definitely in the designated trolley bay. I can't stand to see trolleys drifting around the carpark. I even give them a quick tidy in the bay if people have just shoved them in there willy-nilly. Yes, I'm aware of how anal I am...

Tatas said...
CSI or CSI Miami? I don't watch either. And neither do I.

Dinah said...
What's your idea of a really good night out? And a really good night in? Last Friday was the best night out in ages! We (The Host & his SubC plus various friends) went to The Last for a meal, which was absolutely delicious. Then hot-footed it up the The Castle for drinking and hot-footed dancing. I usually never dance because I feel too conspicuous being so tall, but on Friday I'd had just enough to drink not to care. It was fantastic. And I can remember it all and don't regret a thing!

A good night in would involve copious amounts of wine, Kettle crisps & cake, with my feet up in front of a good film. A really good night would have the added benefit of a man to snuggle up to. A fantastic night would involve Tim!

T-Bird said...
Love or lust at first sight? Lust. However, with George it was Love... Git.

Blondes or brunettes?

MJ said...
T-BIRD: Neither blondes nor brunettes.He likes gingers.

MJ's right. As long as their head hair doesn't look pubic...


MJ said...
At what age did you realize you weren't like all the others? At about 13, I realised that I didn't fancy girls and certainly wasn't interested in any type of intimate contact with them. At 16, when I started sixth form college, I met a guy I used to go to school with when we were five or six and immediately fancied him. That's when I knew.

Which one of you decides which side of bed to get up on? Whoever is up first. Usually Witchface's SubC.

Did that growth on your penis ever heal up? I don't know what you're talking about!

When your mother dropped you on your head when you were a baby, did she tell everyone it was an accident? What do you mean? It was an accident. Wasn't it? Mum?

Which one of you do you see when you look in Mirror? If I'm lucky, not MirrorMe. Usually I see Witchface's ugly SubC - Hey! - but, very rarely, my better-looking SubC.

Tim said...
Humph! When I did a Q&A it was rubbish - you've got squillions of questions. Maybe I intimidate people? Ooh Tim, I'd let you intimidate me...

Anyway, I'll think of a question.
In the meantime, to quote Homer Simpson: U R Guay? Is this a come-on at last?


Tara said...
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Sorry, I have had that pickup line in my head for a few months now and just had to use it as a question. Cheesy, I know. ;) No. But only because I didn't stop - I just kept right on going.

T-Bird said...
Are you local? Of course I am! And what's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here. This is a local Blog, for local people. There's nothing for you here!


CyberPete said...
Top or Bottom? Although I kind of think we already know the answer to that one.. Of what? Oh, OK: Top.

MJ said...
Spit or swallow? Unlike you, whose gag reflex drowned long ago, both make me gag.

Tatas said...
Give head or take it? Well, I'd prefer to take it. But if the mood strikes me and it doesn't look too horrifying, I'll give it a go.

pissoff said...
Who's your daddy? I think I'm an orphan...

and Tatas

Tatas said...
Why do people have Moles? not the underground sort. Huh? Well, imagine if they had badgers: Monstrous, snarling things dotted around their skin, growling at passers by.

And that's your lot. Although, if you have any more pressing questions, feel free to leave them in the comments and I may answer them pretty soon...

P.S. I still haven't done anything about getting a Demon Box. Maybe next week...

P.P.S. I am trying to visit you all - I may not leave a comment due to time constraints, but I will try.

Tuesday 1 April 2008

Q and... A later.

I've just got enough time to propose a Q&A session based on me/us and this blog. Basically, you ask me something in the comments (that I'll know, not like "What's the capital of Uruguay?") and in a later post, I'll give you some answers.

I'm not promising to answer everything to your satisfaction, mind. I've learned to keep peoples expectations low - That way, they won't be disappointed! And also, anything of a pervy nature may be answered in a bizarre or abreviated manner. Ha!

Away you go, then.

P.S. Still no news on the demon box front...