Thursday, 14 February 2008

Timothy Scissorhands

* twang *

Oh, no. Not again...

* poof *

Wherever I'd ended up, pink tweed upholstery fabric was masquerading as the latest thing in twinset fabrics. Hornrim glasses seem to be de rigeur, too. I adjusted mine and walked down the path and away from the garishly coloured house, noting as I did so that the bushes could do with a trim.

As I approached what I assumed to be my car, a pale yellow sedan of some description - American, judging by its sheer size - I noticed a creepy old house on the hill at the end of the cul de sac.

Ah, ha! I thought, realisation hitting me.

Once in the car, I drove through the dilapidated gates and up the winding driveway to the looming old mansion.

Clutching my pearls in one hand and my huge makeup bag in the other, I gracefully got out of my sedan - keeping my legs together, naturally, not wanting to cause a Li-Lo-style scene. I approached the mansion and, noticing that it was ajar, pushed open the massive wooden front door.

"Ding dong! Evil- I mean, Avon calling!" I called through the cavernous entrance hall. Stepping over the threshold and into the wide open space, I called again. "Helloooo? Is there anybody home?"

After a few seconds and no response, I made my way up the curving stone steps. "Helloooo?" I called again on the landing. Noticing another, smaller, flight of stairs, I ascended them and emerged into what must have been the attic, only half of it was open to the elements seeing as part of the roof had collapsed. "Hello?"

Glancing around, I saw what looked like a bed in a large, unused fireplace. Strewn around it were comics graphic novels, air-fix kit starships and what looked suspiciously like unwashed, crispy Big Bang pants! And to top it all off, a faded poster of Autumn Reeser inexpertly stuck to the chimney-back.

This could mean only one thing!

Peering around in the gloom, I noticed a dark shadow under the eaves. "Hello. I won't hurt you" I called encouragingly. "Come on out. I'm just your neighbourhood Avon representative."

And from the darkness he shuffled:

Image by Tazzy & Piggy Incorporated

"Oh..." I gasped. He is Hot! Even in all that leather bondage gear. An evil thought popped into my head. "Well, hello" I smiled at him. "I'm Peg, your Avon represen- Oh! You've got something on you. Just there" and I pointed at Tim's shoulder.

He looked confused then raised his arm, finger-blades scissoring

* snip snip *

"Oh, you missed it. There. A bit lower."

* snip * * snip snip *

"No. It's fallen down. It's on your waist now."

* snip snip snip *

"Other side."

* snip snip *

"To the right a bit..."

* snip *

"Oh, half of it's fallen to your thigh."

* snip * *snip snip *

* schooooooof *

"Oh no!" I exclaimed with an evil grin. "Your clothes have fallen off!"

P.S. Come back soon, Tim.


  1. Please come back, Tim.

    IVD has a bush that needs trimming.

  2. It seems the Borg have assimilated John Paul Gaultier, and the pursuit of perfection has metamorphosed into the quest for fashion.

    Resistance to drab textiles!
    You will be accessorized!

  3. Anonymous14/2/08 11:25

    What an odd way of letting Tim know that you want him up your shitter!

  4. MJ: Tim could get his hose out, too - It's a bit dry around here.

    Eros: "Your biological and nonbiological powders will be adapted to service us!"

    P&T: Bwah hah hah hah ha! That's the funniest comment of the year so far!
    I mean, I should be insulted, but I can't help it. It's the 'sh' word, I think.

  5. I miss Tim. But I like the picture.

  6. If you want him to take his hose out, you might wanna re-read Bingowings post - he has a whole section devoted to that sort of thing

    As for Tim, he looks a lot like a friend of mine from Birmingham

    Oh and yes come back Tim - we need hot bloggers!

  7. Oh... Brand new fantasy. Thanks IDV =D

  8. IVD....Interesting Valentines Day


    Fuvk me im pissed.

  9. That was sort of... endearing. Especially the clothes part! Make sure he's careful with his scissors now he's in the nuddy.

  10. You cheeky monkey!

  11. Yay! You're back!

    I thought this might root you out, even if only briefly.

    I'll reply properly to everyone else later - v.busy at work.

    Well, supposed to be.

  12. Anonymous15/2/08 12:25

    oooh. That was disturbing. His face looks eerily similar to that of my ex. I almost had to take a shotgun to my monitor.

  13. Um, sorry Qenny…

  14. Oh, but thanks Cyberpete - your comment made me blush!

  15. Dinah: I miss Tim, too. But, Yay! He's back.


    In briefs?

    CyberPoo: Oh, I've been to ErosWings' - I didn't understand what he was on about.

    * ahem *

    M'Lady: You're welcome!

    Oh, SID. I think I might have to be, too.

    T-Bird: Ooh, yes! I don't want all this to be in vain!

    Qenny: Goodness! Best you don't carry a gun with you when in west London.

    Tim: Perhaps you should wear a badge that says: 'Not Qenny's Ex' just in case?

    And are you flirting with CyberPoo?!?

  16. He paid me a nice compliment!

  17. Hmmmph! OK...

    Hang on. I pay you loads of nice compliments!

  18. Yeah, but you've got an ulterior motive.

  19. Plus, he said I was a hot blogger, which is sweet. All you've done is make … salacious remarks…

  20. Some of them were lascivious, actually!

  21. Hark at you! Either way, Cyberpete's comment was sweet, unlike yours that leave me curled up and crying in the shower.

  22. Oh, you do overexaggerate.

    You were barely sobbing, when I was lurking outsi-

    Umm... I think I've left the iron on. Got to go!

    * kapwing *

  23. What the hell does "kapwing" mean?! That's not even anything remotely resembling a real word!

  24. I like it. I think it's a sound effect, kind of like "kerching".

    I think.

    *sigh* I feel complete now that the Benny Hill show is back on the road. You know, IDV chasing Tim around, both in naughty nurses uniforms.

    Oh wait... may have revealed to much there.

  25. Would you and Tim just whip out your dicks, mount one another and get it over with?!!!

  26. Dammit! Tim actually flirted with me and I missed it?

    Oh well the story of my life

  27. Tim: T-Bird is right. Kapwing is a sound effect. Something akin to a caped superhero having a bullet bounce off his chest before he takes to the air to apprehend the villainous foe, Nursezilla!

    MJ: If you insist.

    * shouts *

    Tim? Tim! Where are you? We've had some instructions.

    CyberPoo: Ha! Still, at least you've got BingoWings.

  28. Not today* IDV, I'm busy!

    *and by 'today' I actually mean 'ever'


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?