Vermin's the Pot Noodle of vampire snacks*

Well, here we are at the end of the month again. Not the end of April again. Well, not for me, anyway. Some of you may have been living the month of April again and again and again, maybe because you've chosen to, or maybe because you're stuck, but for most of us (I imagine) this is first and only time through.

What was I saying?

Ah, yes. End of the month. So, here is the prerequisite book update post. Let's start from where we left off last time and go straight to the tenth book Ive read this year:


10. Bad Blood (a Being Human novel), by James Goss

George is a werewolf, Mitchell is a vampire, and Annie is a ghost, and they all live together in Annie's old house in Bristol. Annie has organised a bingo night to raise money to refurbish the community centre and the boys have turned up - just about on time - to support her. Sounds pretty run-of-the-mill, doesn't it? It's not, though. Not by a long shot. Especially when the vampire Human Resources manager at the local hospital turns up!
There's more to it than that, of course, but I don't want to spoil it for anyone who might be about to read it. However, I will say this: Bad Blood is a very well written story about the Being Human trio. I totally believed in it. I think it was because the author has really got a feel for the characters - How they 'sound', their mannerisms and the way they react to things. I heartily recommend this book!

* This post's title came from this book.


11. Single White Vampire, by Lynsay Sands

As I mentioned to 'Petra: "Don't bother purchasing (or reading) Single White Vampire (unless you already have) - What a crock! One dimensional characters bounce from one conveniently placed plot device (no relation) to another. And while there are the expected sex scenes, they are heterosexual. But luckily, they're not too explicit - Well, the lady-bits aren't!"
And what I omitted to mention was that the lead female character is annoying beyond reproach. Quite how the Single White Vampire in question fell for her and dumped his Singleton status I don't know?
Actually, she did put out a lot. The slut. And she sure as hells moans a lot during sex. Not whiny moaning, sex moaning. Yuk!

I brought this on myself, of course. Totally judged a book by it's cover. Well, I say 'judged', more like 'took one look at the cover model and fell in lust'!


12. Zombie, an anthology of the undead, edited by Christopher Golden

Ooh, loads of good takes on zombies in this book. Among my favourites are Lazarus, by John Connolly - The story of Lazarus' resurrection from his point of view (seems like that busy-body Jesus should have left him alone); What Maisie Knew, by David Liss - A zombies-as-commodities story; The Wind Cries Mary, by Brian Keene - A ghost/zombie love story of sorts, and; Twittering From The Circus Of The Dead, by Joe Hill - A girl Twitters for her life as her family are all zombified.


13. Star Trek: Nero, by Mike Johnson, Tim Jones & David Messina

This comic/graphic novel collects the four issues about the Romulan Nero which cover the 25 year gap in the film Star Trek. Did that sentence make sense? I keep reading it and reading it, but to no avail. Ah, well...
Anyway, this book gives more insight into the villain, Nero, and his personal vendetta against Spock and the United Federation of Planets. It's cinematic in scope, with a dark tone, which is good, really, as it's based on a film! As with other graphic novels, I lament at the portrait layout - For a truly cinematic feel (and easier read), a landscape layout would really do wonders.


14. Tall, Dark and Dead (well, nobody's perfect...), by Tate Hallaway

Oh dear. See what I thought of Single White Vampire up there to see what I think of this particular 'tome'. Except that the cover is Chick-Lit Shit.
A book I've owned for over two years and only just got around to reading (I wish I hadn't bothered) even though it has been mentioned in this blog before - click here and scroll down to the first award.
This book, the fourteenth I've read this year, means that I've already equalled the amount of books I read in all of last year. And it's still only April!

Ummm... Actually, I wrote this review based on the first couple of chapters of TD&D (which were pretty shit), but I've since read the rest and, I'm happy to tell you, it's MUCH better than Single White Vampire. The characters (mostly) have more than one dimension and the sex (what little there is, thanks gods) isn't all moany!


And there we have it for another month. Byeeee!

Wednesdays are orange?

No, this is not a promotion for Orange - I just like the ad.




P.S. For some very Sparky Malarkey, Tim is holding a competition that could very well make my dreams come true - Albeit in miniature cardboard form. I suggest you get yourselves over there to see what it's all about.

Now!

I've got a Rocket

We just love Goldfrapp's latest single here at Castle DeVice.



That's all.

Wherefore art thou, Freakin' Green Elf Shorts?

Acquiring target...


Zoom in...


Target locked!



The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts were last seen slinking around 'Petra's ankles covered in the gayest period ever after trawling the tranny bars of Denmark.
Quite how 'Petra has managed to keep a hold of them this long, is beyond me. Those 'Shorts are rife with so many kinds of biological excreta, that they now qualify as a lifeform in their own right. And as such, are surprisingly mobile! For proof, just click here, or look at the pictures below of the 'Shorts attacking unwary Bloggers.


You want to know why MJ never shows her face on her blog? It's because she no longer has one. I only hope ErosWings was a bit more fortunate after his encounter...

Speaking of encounters, it's Donn's turn next with The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts, so get a move on 'Petra, and get them mailed out pronto!

And, for those of you who have little to no knowledge of the whys-&-wherefores of the 'Shorts, please see MJ's Definitive History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. You may also like to peruse my map of their travels across the globe:

Click to embigulate. I do keep threatening to redo the map as the UK is getting a little crowded. However, I don't really want to see those hideous things back here, so that'll give me an excuse not to tinker with the map. Oh, unless Tim wins them, of course...

me(book)me3

Well. Here we are again at Dead Endsville. I've got a couple of posts lined up, but they're not finished and I can't be arsed to make the effort complete them to my exacting satisfaction. So, instead, I bring you another meme, the third in this series, actually. The first two can be found here, and here, if you're so inclined.

Better get on with it, I suppose.


1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages). OK. It's the really-very-good-actually Being Human novel Bad Blood by James Goss. Unsurprisingly, media-whore Tim is friends with the author, and also the cover designer, a certain Mr Lee Binding.

2. Open the book to page 123. Done!

3. Find the fifth sentence. 'Technical term.'

4. Post the next three sentences. 'All right, then!' enthused George. 'Dob Dob Dob!' He stepped over to Mitchell before he could see Annie's smile fall slightly.

George is a werewolf, Mitchell is a vampire, and Annie is a ghost, and they all live together in Annie's old house in Bristol. Annie has organised a bingo night to raise money to refurbish the community centre and the boys have turned up - just about on time - to support her. Sounds pretty run-of-the-mill, doesn't it? It's not, though. Not by a long shot. Especially when the vampire Human Resources manager at the local hospital turns up!

5. Tag five people. No! But feel free to have a go, though.

Something for something's sake

I suppose I'd better get on with something.

The thing is, I don't know with what.

...

...

Ooh! I know: I'll redo an old meme. Here goes:

grumpymeme
Where is your cell/mobile phone? Ummmm... Possibly in the bowl of plenty (read: a bowl that holds all our keys, wallets, receipts, gubbins etc.) in the kitchen?

Vehicle? I think you all know Car, but I also have the use of Olive and Harry II (SP's Volvo C70 convertible and his Mercedes S Class, respectively). And Broom!

We're in the process of having the driveway redone,
hence the mud and freshly laid turf.

Hair? Is in danger of taking over the world! As you can see. Hmmm... Could do with a shave, too.

Father? Ye gods, no! I mean: I'm not one, nor do I wish to be. The Father is still around, though.

Your favorite thing? It'd have to be Car.

Dream last night? I can't remember.

Favourite drink? Coffee.

Room you are in? The study (also known as the third bedroom).

Your ex? Knight or the Wriggler?

You are? Reading this meme.

What do you want to be in ten years? My answer from last time still stands: In a better body. A published author? Rich? Still a Smug Married? Alive?

Who did you hang out with today? No one - I hate people!

What you're not? Very tolerable right now. As SP can atest to.

Muffins? Oog, no. I'm full of jelly babies.

One of your wish list items? A Citroen C6 in dark indigo. Either that or a new familiar. I've had to resort to using next door's bunny!

Where is the ____ ? bloody time going to?!

The last thing you did? Gulped some water to wash down a huge mouthful of jelly babies. The very same ones which caused "Oog" a couple of questions back.

What are you wearing? Scruffs: Jeans, black T-shirt and blue zip-up non-hoody top thing. Oh, and my reading glasses.

Your pet(s) ? All rabbit familiars are dead - Nuffy, Gitface (nee Mopsy) and Wilma - and I don't think Clone-Beaky counts. Or Mrs Beaky, for that matter. Yes, the shrill, evil little bugger is still with him.

Your computer? Could do with having a new, more ergonomic desk under it.

Your life? Appears to be going quite well, thank you.

Your mood? Is not conducive to having unexpected guests. Or even expected guests. Let's just say I'm a little mardy right now, and leave it at that.

Missing? A pneumatic strut from Car's boot/trunk lid. I mean: Where the hells could it have got to?

What are you thinking about right now? Has my (normally excellent) posture caused my bad back, or is it stress?

Your shoes? No longer seem to be made for walking.

Your work? Is becoming less and less important in the grand scheme of things.

Your summer? Had better be good.

Your favorite colour? Right now, that gold and red shot black one can see when one closes one's eyes. I'm sleepy.


And that, as they say, is that. I'll try and come up with something a bit better next time.



::EDIT:: Princess suggested tagging people (I was too tired to think about doing it last night), so here goes: Princess, Eros, 'Petra, Beast and Tim. Oh, and if you're not too busy, Dinah, I'd like to see you have a go, too. Do your worst, my pretties!

Birthday Books

Well, it's the end of the month and all those Tin Hat shenanigans are over, so I thought I'd better post another update of the books I've read. I'll warn you now before you scroll down that this is a 'Trek-heavy post.
I'll also give you a preview of what to expect from upcoming book-related posts by showing you the books I received for my birthday a week or so ago.


I finished Four Past Midnight, by Stephen King not long after I last did a book post. The second and third stories in this collection are The Library Policeman and The Sun Dog, respectively.
After the somewhat disappointing first two stories, I was pleasantly surprised by these final two. 6.3. The Library Policeman is a good old fashioned horror story in a typical King style. 6.4. The Sun Dog has a slow but tense build up to its conclusion but the storylines of the two main characters, 'Pop' Merrill and Kevin, didn't swap back and forth enough for my liking. I thought Kevin's story was over with as Pop's went on for so long, so it was a surprise to be reintroduced to him near the end of the book.
All in all, I would recommend Four Past Midnight for the concept of The Langoliers and the tense build up of The Sun Dog.

7. The Lives of Dax, edited by Marco Palmieri

This is a lovely anthology based on the character Dax from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. For those not in the know, Dax is a joined Trill, a humanoid host with a worm-like symbiont living inside it. The symbiont is implanted into the abdomen of a host and the two become 'joined' - become one being. At the end of the host's life, the long-lived symbiont is removed and implanted into a new host, taking with it the stored memories of all past hosts, thus ensuring a sort of immortality.
Each of the stories focuses on one of the hosts of the Dax symbiont. Beginning with the current host, Ezri Dax, all ten hosts are covered but the temporarily joined Verad doesn't have a story for himself as his few hours of being joined are told in the episode Invasive Procedures. He does play a major part in Jadzia Dax's story, though.
My favourite stories are those of the first host Lela, and her first contact with an alien race. Second host Tobin, and his thwarting of Romulan hijackers with new invention the transporter along with Spock's grandfather, Skon. Fourth host Audrid's letter to her estranged daughter, Neema Cyl. The long suppressed sixth host Joran's murderous nature, and the tenth and current host Ezri's story of an unprepared, almost forced joining.

8. Star Trek: Romulans - Pawns of War, by John Byrne

This collection of six comics was given to me by a still-not-topless-and-paint-flecked friend for my birthday. The story is told from a Romulan perspective and begins with the events from The Original Series episode Balance of Terror and goes on to cover the brief duplicitous alliance between the Romulans and the Klingons. It also features the character Number One (portrayed by Majel Barrett-Roddenberry as M. Leigh Hudec) from the pilot episode, now a commodore and commanding officer of the USS Yorktown NCC 1717.
I loved this collection (one might call it a graphic novel if one was particulary snobby) for its portrayal of the Romulans - A somewhat underused race in Star Trek on the small (and large) screen, in my opinion. The only problem with it is that universal one of not being able to follow the panels easily on those layouts that span the spine. I don't know why these comics/graphic novels are still produced in a portrait format? A landscape format is much more logical when the artists obviously seem to prefer a 'widescreen' look.

9. Star Trek: Mirror Universe - The Sorrows of Empire, by David Mack

This book was also a gift from the generous above-mentioned friend. It's by one of my very favourite Star Trek authors and is the story of the rise and fall of the Terran Empire from the Mirror Universe established in The Original Series episode Mirror Mirror.
I finished reading this book last night - Just in time to add it it to this post!


So, now those are out of the way, I'm free to show you an exclusive preview of upcoming books, all of which were birthday presents from The Parents (as instructed by my sister, Inexcuseable DeVice):

Triumphant Tin Foil Hats

I know many of you have been waiting for this moment with baited breath, so, to prevent anyone keeling over from asphyxiation, I shall now declare the winners of the Tin Hat & Tales Compo! And here to present the awards are ABBA!


Uh, oh. Someone obviously didn't get the proper message. I'll just have to host these awards myselves.


As I explained in an earlier post, there are two winners: One is the winner of the Popular Tin Foil Hat, as voted for by you, the blogging public. The other is the winner of the Technical Tin Foil Hat, as chosen by myselves.
So, without further ado, may I present the winners:

Popular Tin Foil Hat Winner: Eroswings, with his Tin Foil Hat London Olympics!


It's no surprise that Eros' hat won the majority of your votes - Just look at the detail: The intricate Olympic rings, the torch, the athlete. Eros also used up his entire tin foil supply to craft his masterpiece, so his prize shall reflect this: A Teflon cooking mat! Eros, you'll never need foil again!
Runners up were: Eros again with his Hermes-inspired Tin Foil Hat Wings, and Princess' glamorous creation.


Technical Tin Foil Hat Winner: Princess, with her Empress-Dowager-thwarting, disco-ball'd-daywear tin foil hat!


This was a very difficult category to assign a winner in. My cold, dead heart wanted to give xl the prize for such a cute chapeau, but then my head (i.e. the SubCs) got involved and pointed out that it looks like xl spent more time carving the sponge into bunny-form than he spent fashioning the ear-hats. Would this be true, xl?
So, I turned to the entries that had followed the rules of the competition and submitted a short technical description of the hat's functions, or a tale of Mother-thwarting derring-do to go with it. That meant that poor, sick 'Petra was immediately ruled out. Eros was next to fall due to the fact that his (technically excellent) hats seemed to be displayed on some sort of gigantic zit or boil - very off-putting. He'd have won if only he'd worn the hat and only the hat in his picture!
Choosing the winner from the remaining two contestants came down to one factor as both were displayed on very glamorous models and both were perfectly accessorized: The specs/tale. Unfortunately, MJ seemed to have lost the plot and created a hat that actually attracted, rather than repelled, which left Princess with her tale of Mother-thwarting derring-do as the winner. Congratulations! Your prize consists of some highly delightful cocktail parasols and an intriguing rubber-cum-crystal ball!

Just remember I said the prizes would be cheap!


Finally, here is my tin foil hat in all it's glory:


As you can see, the cone is angled backwards for aerodynamic superiority while piloting Broom. The brim is fully adjustable for various speeds and can also be flipped up to act as an air-brake. The pointed, beak-like visor shields my eyes from the wind and also protects my identity. The hat is double lined to prevent even the most piercing Mother mind-beam from penetrating it and, therefore, reading my most secret thoughts.


So, there you have it. Thank you to all those who entered and voted - You've made this compo a success!

Tin Foil Hat Gallery

Ah, good day, and welcome to the gala opening of this neo-constructionist collection of international chapeaux de tin foil.

Or hastily thrown together crap, in other words.
Actually, some of them look like they went to a lot of effort.
Really? Which ones?

Oi! Shush, you two!

* Ahem * What was I saying? Oh, yes: I would like to present to you, the blogging public, this exclusive collection of objets d'art from the world over:


First, we have Princess, modellin- Oh. It looks like she was too busy voguing for the camera to pose properly for whichever houseboy was tasked with capturing her iconic Patsy Stone-esque image. Perhaps we'll move on and come back to her later.

This is more like it. Two examples of metallic hattery by Eroswings, complete with the artist's own tales of inspiration along with the hat's technical specifications:


Here's the first one: The tin foil hat wings

This hat was inspired by the winged god Hermes, who a few hours after being born, snuck out of his crib and went to cause mischief to the other gods, before sneaking back in and pretending to be asleep while his mother slept, none the wiser to his antics. This tin foil hat will empower me to sneak out and do mischievous things without the authorities (parental or gov't) knowing what's going on! And it will also repel any alien weapons, transporter, and tractor technologies.
If the aliens want to probe, they're going to have to do it the old fashioned way: using lots of alcohol and paying for dinner!


The second hat was the most difficult to create, as it took all of the tin foil in my home to complete! I call it: The tin foil hat London Olympics!

The Olympic rings on the hat broadcasts a signal that starts on the day of the opening ceremony, causing mothers within 100 yards to stop asking children to do chores when the Olympics are on! And the torch bearer will send out a signal during live events to ensure that people watching the games will be provided with snacks! The Big Ben clock tower will shield wearer's true thoughts, by radiating a continuous signal that makes scanners see only happy Olympic thoughts, freeing the wearer to plot and move about freely!


The next exhibit is by that Canadian glamourpuss Mistress MJ:


Mistress MJ’s Prizewinning Tinfoil Hat

Rather than act as a repellent, Mistress MJ’s Prizewinning Tinfoil Hat has magnetic properties.

That’s right. This hat actually attracts! And not just unwanted attention.

Wearing the hat is guaranteed to improve your mojo.

If you are a woman, it will lure men from across the sea (hence the symbolism of the blue band) to Canada (hence the Canadian flag symbolism) to your “flower” or “pussy” (see use of both symbols).

If you are a heterosexual man, it will attract pussy.

If you are a big ole flaming homosexual (like Inexplicable DeVice) it will signal that you are indeed a big ole flaming homosexual and your back door is open for business.

Really that’s all you need to know.

Grand, isn’t it?


This towering example of aluminium high fashion was fabricated by the a queen of Denmark: CyberPetra!


Against better judgment I hereby submit my attempt at a tinfoil hat. It's been done in a bit of a rush so my concept of 70s disco didn't really come through as flattering as it should have.

It looks like the poor model is suffering from the dry, chapped skin associated with scurvy - Perhaps he'd better eat himself?
Aha! It appears that Princess is now ready for her photo-op:


And as the Empress is starting to regain her powers, I have had to start wearing my tin hat again, just so she does not know what I am up to while surfing and blogging. She repeatedly asks "What Princess do on that funny TV all time"?.
I usually respond with "Nothing Mother just checking my Emails"
"Humph, Why you not just use Quill and Parchment like Empress Dowager? Send
Houseboy with letter!"
To which I reply "It is called technology Mother "Dial up" just stop your friends from ringing you while I am on line as they keep bumping me off" hence the upgrade and being off air for a little while:0!
I shall wish myself luck but unfortunately may not be able to vote as planned. Will let you know when I am back on air again.
End of Transmission.
Much Luv Princess


The final example of this avant garde collection has been very kindly loaned from the Salle de Bain exhibit down at the Loo Louvre, with compliments from the artist: xl


Unfortunately, xl didn't have time to attach a set of specifications, or a tale of inspiration, as he's already hard at work on his next piece, which I believe to be a rubber duck in a baking parchment sou wester!
But just look at this masterpiece - Soooooooooo cute!

Anyway...

Now that we have come to the end of the gallery exhibit, please show your appreciation by voting for the chapeau that you'd like to win.
I shall be tabulating your votes at the weekend and announcing the winner on Monday 29th March.
For those of you who didn't make find time *cough*BEAST,Tim,Snooze,amongstothers*cough* to create a metallic masterpiece, you may still submit your entries up until midnight on Sunday, but you'll only be eligible for an "also ran" credit. Unless, Tim, you make good your promise to "pose in my tinfoil hat wearing only a tie like one of Pete's book covers", then you'll get an extra special prize...

Oh, I'll be modelling my tin foil hat, too.


P.S. Thank you for the birthday wishes!

I hope you like my extension?

Due to constant haranguing from the multitudes (OK, so it was only BEAST, Tim, Eros, & Miss Scarlet, but I think you'll agree that any more than three equals a multitude?), I have graciously decided to extend the deadline of the Tin Hat & Tales compo.

The new deadline will be midnight on Wednesday, 24th March (GMT). For the rules, see the previous two posts, but especially this one.

For those of you who have already submitted your entries and are feeling increasingly bitter ('Petra) because you may have rushed your Tin Hat masterpiece, by all means create another hat and email it in. Multiple entries are allowed - After all, you can only win once!
And contrary to those circulating rumours, MJ's win is not a sure thing.



Right. You'd better snap to it my pretties!

Tin Hat Teaser

Here is a little something to encourage you all to get those tin foil hats made, photographed and sent in:



Remember: To enter, you must make a tin foil hat to block the Mothers all-seeing & all-knowing mind-beams (see previous post), take a photo of yourself wearing said chapeau (or, if you are camera-shy, put it on a melon or other head-sized object) and send me the photo (email address is in my profile) along with a short technical description of the hat's functions, or a tale of Mother-thwarting derring-do to go with it.
The winner will be chosen by any/all of myselves, and displayed on this here blog. There will also be a (yet to be determined, but you can guarantee it'll be cheap) prize, or prizes.
And when do we have to get these photos sent in by, I hear you ask? Why, by midnight Saturday 20th March (GMT).

I have since decided that there will be two winners: One chosen by me, the other chosen by yourselves. I'm going to display all the entries for you to choose your favourite. Whomsoever receives the most votes (or approximations thereto), shall win.

Get your thinking caps on. And if they're made of foil, all the better!

Tin Hat and Tales Compo

Now, today in Britland it's Mothers Day (who knows what kind of bizarre days you foreigners are celebrating?). And, taking inspiration from this auspicious day and my last post, I have decided to hold a competition. We all know that, as kids, we were often thwarted from carrying out nefarious and diabolical schemes by the insidious mind powers wielded by our Mothers. And sometimes even other people's Mothers. They'd always know when mud-pie mud was about to be hurled near to (or even at) their washing, or trampled through the house. Their Mother-sense would kick in from up to three rooms away when cupboards were opened and biscuits/cookies were about to be liberated from their packet/jar, thus spoiling our appetite for the (often gruesome) impending tea/dinner. And then there's the ignominy of the almost insufferable face-wipe using a hankie moistened with their own spit! Oh, the horror!


Well, to vex the Mothers of the world, I am holding this competition. The rules are as follows:

To enter, you must make a tin foil hat to block the Mothers all-seeing & all-knowing mind-beams, take a photo of yourself wearing said chapeau (or, if you are camera-shy, put it on a melon or other head-sized object) and send me the photo (email address is in my profile) along with a short technical description of the hat's functions, or a tale of Mother-thwarting derring-do to go with it.
The winner will be chosen by any/all of myselves, and displayed on this here blog. There will also be a (yet to be determined, but you can guarantee it'll be cheap) prize, or prizes.
And when do we have to get these photos sent in by, I hear you ask? Why, by midnight Saturday 20th March (GMT).



So, there you have it. You have little under a week to design and build your tin foil hat(s - multiple entries will be considered) and email it in. I will declare the winner (and loser) the following day. Or possibly on the Monday depending how lazy/busy I am on the Sunday. I may even make a hat myself!

Good luck and godspeed!