TEC vol. VI: The Uncovered Somethingorother...

Continued from . . . PART 5 of The Epic Collaboration

Because our last effort made some people very confused/cross/consider legal action,

Ms Scarlet had to turn part five into a very short recap of what's happened so far.

And there are still threats of legal action!

So, in an effort to make things clearer-

A futile effort, methinks.

Well, yes, but let's give it a try okay?

Oh, okay.  Carry on, then.

Right.  Where was I?  Oh, yes: In an effort to make things clearer, think of this part as

volume six in an ongoing book series.  A volume that only has four quite short chapters.

And they look longer than they are because of the pictures and the music video.

'Music video'?  Christ.  You sound like you're a hundred million years old!

Well, what would you call it, then?

Um...

I knew it was a mistake to involve the SubCs in this!  Let's just get on with it.

Fine.  Are you putting the chapters in, or am I?

You are.

C H A P T E R   O N E

 "Oof!" said Mago as he extricated himself from a collection of now crushed and broken lily stems.

 "What happened, Mr Device?!" said an annoyed sounding clump of Eucomis zambesiaca with a Dinah in it.  Miraculously, all flower spikes were still fully erect.

 "Ow" I replied, trying to unpick myself from a very thorny 'Gertrude Jeckyll'.  Again.  Albeit in someone else's garden.  "Sorry, Dinah.  Sorry, Mago.  That story change wave-front came out of nowhere, and that reinitialisation so soon afterwards was totally unexpected."

 "Wo sind wir?"

 "Up someone's back passage, by the look of it" Dinah said hauling herself out of the Eucomis.

Someone's back passage.  German and Australasian not pictured

 "My back passage!" a stern voice announced.  Yikes!

 "Our back passage, dear" a second voice corrected.  "Why is there a witch in our rose bush?  And why are there Tupperware boxes strewn around the garden, a muddy welly in the fuchsias, and a bath mat in me Wine Time Corner™?"

 "And a German in the lilies, and an Australasian of sorts in the Eucomis, hmm?  Why, indeed?" 

 It was Jon and Madam Arcati, of course.  Not the German and Australasian, the new, and rather ticked off voices.

 "Ah.  Hello.  Um..." I said addressing our unwitting hosts.  "Sorry.  We hit rather a lot of story change turbulence when Ms Scarlet fast-forwarded the story somewhat unexpectedly.  The poor bath mat wasn't designed to cope with such stresses.  As you can see..." I gestured at the partially flattened garden.  "Sorry."

 "Diese Lilien smell of urine" Mago muttered.  "I smell of urine."

 "We'll see about that" Jon said, reaching for the hose again. 

The Garden Photos Event 2022 Official Final Reminder

 "I have photos. Do I have to caption them? They are from spring, summer and fall and they are a mess. Turns out I don't like weeding! LOL. Oh, well. Do tell what we have to do to participate. I don't have much patience, but will try to comply :)"

... Mr Tonking, 20th September [here]

Yes, it's time for...

 

the

I N F O M A N I A C

Garden Photos Event

 

...final reminder for 2022!

 

 I'm sure most of you are aware of the Garden Photos Event phenomena brought about by The Very Mistress many, many years ago, but for anyone new, those who have forgotten, and Savvy (!), a brief history and links to all participatory gardens over the years can be found in my Infomaniac Garden Photos Event page (at the top of the blog if you didn't click the link).

 Now, in response to Mr Tonking's eloquent request, here's what to do to take part in the main event:

1. If you haven't already been doing so, take some photos of your garden/courtyard/balcony/window box/pot plant/salad drawer or any botanical specimen that you have been nurturing this year.

2. Undertake an exhausting and harrowing selection process, whittling down the hundreds of photos you've taken throughout the year to a few that you would like to be seen by the masses select clientele here.

3. Write a brief (or verbose) caption for each photo/set of photos - ideally something that amongst other things (gardening tales, tips & observations, how you get your BIG PINK BUSH™ to pulsate just so, for example) states what the plant is, because I'm not Jon (The Official Plant Spotter of Blogdom) and I don't want to do any more research than I have to!

 

4. Email your photos (in as large a size format as you can) and accompanying captions to me.  My blog email address can be found in my Blogger Profile at the top of my Sideboard on the right there (if you have my personal hotmail account, you can use that instead).

 

☙❧

 As well as the main event, there is also the now traditional Hallowe'en special event: 

 

Terrifying Triffidery!

 

 If you would like to take part (and why wouldn't you?), just send me a photo or two of a monstrous or weird botanical specimen that you've grown.  Or, if you are bereft of something like a dragon arum or a Visser's hydnora, a more pedestrian plant from your ordinary undergrowth taken from an odd angle/closeup/while you're drunk will do just as well.

 

☙❧

 

 And finally, for this year only, if you can find photos of a previous garden that you tended, or a prized specimen that may no longer be with you, please send them in too (don't worry: this blog can support sepia toned and/or black & white photos - engravings and stone tablets are out, though).  Please provide a brief caption stating where and when your garden/plant existed (if you'd like to include more info, by all means do).

 It would be great to see how your garden has changed over the years, or if you've moved house, what your previous garden(s) looked like and what you grew.  For the old hands at this, if you can find something that hasn't featured in a Garden Photos Event before, even better!

 

☙❧

 

 When does this all kick off, I hear you ask?  Well, Terrifying Triffidery will take place on Hallowe'en  - Monday 31st October - and the main event will begin two or three days later, so please email me your photos and accompanying captions by Saturday 29th October. 

 (Although this is the final official reminder, I shall, of course, be nagging and haranguing for photos for the rest of this month - and probably into November for all those who assume that deadlines don't apply to them.  You know who you are!)

 

 You don't have to be a regular here or an Infomaniac Bitch to take part as we welcome all sorts - Yes, even you!  So, if you are an infrequent visitor, a friend of a friend, or an as yet unseen lurker and would like to join in, please do - the more the merrier (just beware of the triffids as they're buggers for snapping up the unwary and unprepared)!

 If you have any questions, thoughts or ideas, please let fly in the comments.

 

☙❧

 

 And remember: The Infomaniac Garden Photos Event is NOT a contest!  We're not looking for perfection and there'll be no judging.  We just want to see how your garden grows - weeds and all - and maybe swap a few greenfingering tips.

 

Happy Gardening!

Catching Crabs

 Summer popped back to brag about old times, but I didn't want to get caught up in its inane dude-bro rambling, so I took advantage of the change in weather it brought and went for a walk along the beach instead.

 I wasn't the only one with that thought though...

Gah!  There are people everywhere!

Just look at the six - six!! - in this photo, milling around and getting in my way!

Muddy Meanderings and an Octopus Sucker Bath Mat

Continued from ... When Worlds Collide and a Pair of Striped Tights

 "STOP HER!!!" I shrieked screeched yelled, mindful of The Very Mistress's observation about my apparent tendency to 'scream like a girl'.

 "Who are you shrieking at?" the aforementioned Very Mistress enquired.  Well, her be-tighted legs appeared to as they hung from the bUbble Haze™, anyway.

 "Yes" said Dinahmow as she used her wand to lift up the edge of the drape that was covering me.  "I'm hardly likely to stop Ms Scarlet as I helped her to leave, and Mistress MJ is just a pair of stripy legs."

 "Well, maybe Beaky could?"  My blood suddenly ran cold and I looked around wildly.  "Where is that dratted bird, anyway?"

 "Oh, he flew off.  But don't worry, I'm sure he'll be waiting for you when you get home!"  If it was possible for legs to grin evilly, The Very Mistress's legs did so.

 "Hmmph!  I'm sure" I said as I threw off the drapes and got to my feet, kicking aside a muddy Wellington boot that Ms Scarlet must have used to trudge across her swamp lawn.  "So, where did you send Ms Scarlet, Dinah?"

 "Oh, up Jon's back passage."

 "Award winning back passage" The Very Mistress's legs corrected.

 "Yes, award winning back passage" Dinah said.

 "Right.  Then that's where we'll go.  I just hope we'll all fit?

 "Up Jon's back passage?" The Very Mistress snorted.  "There'll be room to spare!  Besides, I'm not going."

 "What?  Why not?"

 "Because I'm not getting paid enough, nothing's been disinfected, and the longer I spend here the more chance there is of someone mentioning the C word."

 "The C word?  But you have no qualms about saying cu-"

"Go Up Against Fanny Unprepared and She'll Eat You Alive!"*

 This is not the continuation of When Worlds Collide and a Pair of Striped Tights - I might pop that up at the weekend.  At some point.  Maybe?

 No, this is the third quarter's worth of stuff I've read, watched and listened to.

 Strap in!

Read

∘  Some more of Little, Big, by John Crowley - No, I still haven't finished it.  I'm convinced pages, nay, entire chapters get added when I'm not looking!

∘  A Prayer for the Crown-Shy (A Monk and Robot Book, vol. 2), by Becky Chambers - Just lovely and warm and thoughtful and wonderful.  A tonic for these trying times.

∘  The Guncle, by Steven Rowley - as recommended by The Very Mistress.

It did cheer me up, and it has replaced Bridget Jones' Diary

Re-Read

∘  Beyond Uhura, Nichelle Nichols - The great lady's 1994 biography (more from her later).

Watched

∘  Ghosts, S4 (BBC iPlayer) - Best thing on TV (even better than Star Trek)!  This clever, funny, heartwarming - and also quite sad in some places - sitcom about a young couple sharing a house with a load of bickering, but mostly well-meaning ghosts, has cemented itself in my heart since I discovered it at the start of this year.

Over the Cusp and Addressing the List

Continued from A Realm Beyond Comprehension and a Shortish List...

 

 "Oof!"  I struggled to extricate myself from the surprisingly prickly rose bush I'd fallen into following a - some would say unnecessarily dramatic - flinch due to a passing sparrow (which had since alighted on the fence and was looking at me with an expression of curiosity).  "Oh, it wasn't Beaky after all.  Where has that dratted bird got to?!"

 

 It had been unnervingly quiet here recently.  Beaky, my terrifying - and extremely annoying - blackbird familiar, had seemingly vanished from the expansive grounds of Hexenhäusli Device, but my survival instinct had yet to dial itself down.  Brushing the muck and bits of rose bush off myself, and sucking on a couple of thorn-inflicted scratches, I headed across the paysho and into my gingerbread mansion to see if the postman postwoman had been.

 "Oh, it's just another cease-and-desist letter from RHS Rosemoor.  They've obviously got the wrong person as I've never even been to-  Hang on..."  But this one contained something that the other three hadn't: a still image seemingly taken from a security camera video - and it didn't paint a pretty picture.  Lurking amongst the azaleas was a witch.  Or, more accurately, someone dressed as a witch.  And rather craply, too, with a parsnip for a nose, and an old measuring funnel for a hat.  "That's not me!  My nose doesn't look like that!"

Well, depending on the light...

Oh, shut up!

 I squinted at the photo for some time until, eventually, I relented with a 'hummmph!' and grudgingly went to fetch my reading glasses in order to make out the details.

 "Aha!" (No, not that one) "Got you!"

Enough Moping - Time For Gardening!

While I dried off, this stone spiral 'happened'

 After a week of moping and mourning, this weekend's wet and blustery turn was rather a let down.  So, instead of dwelling on that and before we get to the gardening bit, here are some photos taken last weekend when I ventured down to the beach for a swim.

My sea swim spot

: : :

 

Nine For A Kiss - AKA: Arse & Artichokes

 I had quite a few titles in mind for this post, and couldn't decide between the magpie rhyme reference and the title of Gordy Ramsbottom's Delilah-baiting cook book (thank you, Ms Scarlet) so I went with both.  The runner up was "Smile You Twat" from, well, scroll down and you'll see.

This Mischief of Magpies delights in clattering over the roof of Hexenhäusli Device and its neighbours, making an incessant racket as these photos from 29th August illustrate!

 

A litle later that morning I went up to the allotment to see what needed picking:

The Elusive Flotation DeVice

 

 Before rushing out in a 'must-get-pictures-of-paths' related panic yesterday, I popped down to the beach for a swim and to see if I could summon my aquatic alter ego, Flotation DeVice, for Mistress Maddie.  

 Quite why Maddie wants to get acquainted with a pallid, gangly Cloverfield-like seamonster is beyond me, but each to their own. 

 Anyway, although FDV did put in an appearance, they ruined it with their squinting-in-the-sun/frowning Sam-the-Eagle face, fortunately!

Cloud Mouth

 Under threat of a Sideboard Invasion if I don't make an appearance before Friday, here I am!  (Although, I'm not convinced that the invasion won't go ahead anyway...) 

 I don't have much to say for myselves, so may I present a selection of photographs depicting some of what I have been up to this month: 

From the 3rd . . .

This huge cloud-with-a-mouth loomed over the garden, but moved on when I hid under the trees pointed out that my sister (who lives down the road) has more meat on her bones than me.

 

From the 13th . . .

I popped down to the beach for an early morning swim - the first of the season!

(I had to brighten this photo considerably in order to make it resemble how the beach really looked - Camera didn't like being pointed at the sun, I suppose...)

Happy Birthday Jon!

 I had my hose out watering the fuchsias when look who leapt out all wet and surly.  Yes, Tom Daley!  Quite what he was doing in the undergrowth, I don't know?  Anyway, I haven't got time to deal with him now, so perhaps one of you can get him out from under my feet?  Jon, I know it's an imposition - and on your birthday too - but would you mind?

Fuchsias from Madam Arcati's Back Yard

Tom Daley via Fabulous Magazine/Pyramid International