A Pink Prelude...

Continued from... The I.T. Wizard of Oz and

The Calamities of the Carmine Quill (part 4)

 

Vworp  Vworp  Vworp

 As the Great Glass Elevator containing Norma-D2 and C3-Peenee faded from view, Mistress Maddie and IDV surfaced from the frothing gincuzzi.

 "Did you hear something?"

 "No.  And neither did you, so come on" Maddie said dragging IDV down again, the two of them disappearing beneath the spume-laden surface.

R E I N I T I A L I S I N G . . .

 "Oh, no" I muttered resurfacing, spitting a bow-tie from between my teeth - where did that come from?  "Not again.  Not now!" 

 

R E I N I T I A L I S A T I O N   C O M P L E T E.

S T O R Y   C H A N G E   I N   T H R E E . . .

 "What?  What's going on?" Maddie spluttered. 

 "The story's reinitialising!"

 

T W O . . .

 

 "So?"

 "So?!  So, I haven't quite got around to writing the next bit, yet!  If it doesn't have a new story to latch onto, the reinitialisation will flail around picking up any old bits of narrative that've been left laying around!"

 

O N E . . .

 

 "Well, I don't see that it'll be any different from any of your other efforts then, Tootes?"

 "Hmmph!"

 

M A R K.

 

A thrilled IDV

(not in shot, Maddie & Asriel)

 Like Venus rising from the waves - albeit it with more stubble - Asriel emerged from the foaming gincuzzi, a look of confusion on his face.  "Where...?  Where am I?"  The confusion turned to mild panic.  "Where are my clothes?!  And my bow-tie?!?!"

 "Oh!" I exclaimed.  "Maybe this won't turn out so badly after all?"

 Maddie clearly agreed as she assisted in pulling Asriel under, the faint grin of realisation that appeared on his lips was followed into the foam by his trademark raised eyebrow...

~O~

A little while later, wrapped up in fluffy pink bath robes and sprawled over a pink sofa...

 "So" Asriel said, his brow uncharacteristically furrowed, "let me get this this gay: Visiting your blog carries a risk of getting caught up in a bizarre adventure over the...  Oh, what is it again?  Over the brink?"

 "The Cusp, dear"  Maddie corrected, pulling the phone from her ear.  "That's right, isn't it?"

 "Hmmm?  What?"  I was otherwise engaged.

 "Pay attention, Tootes.  And stop staring at the poor boy."

 "Am I?  Sorry.  He's just so adorable!  Um.  Sorry, Asriel."

 "s'okay" Asriel replied with a blush.  "Ahem.  So, we're no longer on Earth?"

 "No.  I mean, yes.  I mean, we're on Earth.  Just not in the way you're used to."

 "And is this because you're a witch?"

 "Oh, Christ, no!  Well, not really.  Maybe?  A little bit, I suppose.  Look: I don't go seeking these haphazard trips over the Cusp out - they just seem to happen in my vicinity.  And sometimes in the vicinity of others..." I tailed off and glared down at the practically blank page that stared up at me from the notepad on my lap.  Why wasn't this story writing itself?  With a sigh, I looked back up and to Maddie.  She must be having better luck than me as her phone was no longer clamped to the side of her head.

 "Who have we got, then?" I asked her.
 "Biggins."
 "Of course.  Who else?"
 "Brian Blessed.  Dobbin the pantomime horse.  Um.  And, um...  Well, Judi Dench."
 "Judi Dench?  Dame Judi Dench?!  In a panto?" - I was aghast.
 "I'm sorry!  I just couldn't get hold of Judith Chalmers or Judy Finnigan.  Or Judith Hann for that matter.  And Maggie Philbin turned me down flat" Maddie said, then muttered "Of course, it would help if I had a clue who these people actually are..."
 "This is going to be a disaster."  I let out another sigh - one The Very Mistress would be proud of - and was rudely interrupted by the doorbell.

D i n g   D o n g!    D i n g   D o n g!

 "There's somebody at the door" Asriel rather unnecessarily pointed out.  

 "There's somebody at the door?"  Quite why Maddie was so surprised was beyond me.

 "There's somebody at the door!"¹  As no one else got up to answer it, I put my pad aside and pushed myself up off the sofa.  "I'll get it then, shall I?  Oh.  Where is the bloody door?  It's all so pink in here that I can't tell where one thing ends and another begins."

D i n g   D o n g!    D i n g   D o n g!

 "All right, all right.  I'm coming!  Ah, there it is" I said to myself as I spyed a door shape amongst the pink.

 As I pulled open the pink door, something small and black and fluttering shot out of the shadows above me and landed on my shoulder.

 "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgghhhh!" I screamed.

 "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeee!" a collective scream answered from the doorway.

 "Chweeenk chweeenk chweeenk!" Beaky shrieked practically in my ear.

 "Aaaarrghh!  Get off!  Get away!" I yelled flailing my arms around my head.  Beaky 'chweeenk chweeenked' a couple more times then flew off somewhere.  It was only then that I noticed who our startled and wide-eyed visitors were.

 "Ms Scarlet!" I exclaimed, looking down to meet her eyes.

 "Mr Devine" Ms Scarlet said patting down her hair.  Beaky must have got his claws caught in it - probably deliberately - when he flew off.  "I just need to use your loo" she continued and bustled past.

 "Woof!"  I looked further down.  It was Sid.

 "Hello Sid.  Hello everyone else.  Come in, come in."  

 "We certainly had no trouble finding you" Jon said as he and Madam Arcati made their way in.  "Something this big and phallic can be seen a mile off!"

 "And it's so pink!" Madam Arcati exclaimed as she handed me her coat and a small, crispy flannel as if I was some sort of lackey.  Me!  "Put that flannel somewhere safe, IDV.  And don't let Ms Scarlet get ahold of it!" 

 "Yes, and I think you need to get your sails looked at" Dinahmow said, also lumbering me with her coat.  "They're spinning a bit fast and almost took Mago's head off."  Mago glanced at me warily and followed Dinah.  "Poor Mago.  I'll just get him a drink to calm his nerves" she called over her shoulder as she headed to the drinks cabinet like an Exocet missile.  "And I might as well have one myself while I'm at it."

 Mitzi and Carmen, Ms Nations, and Savvy all bundled in after them, almost burying me under a mountain of coats.  And it wasn't long before they all found the drinks cabinet, too. 

 Big and phallic? I pondered.  Spinning sails?  Pink??  And then it came to me as the doorbell went off again: We had found ourselves in the Pink Windmill of Emu's World.

D i n g   D o n g!    D i n g   D o n g!

 "There's somebody at the door" Jon declared over the din, having also cottoned on to where we'd ended up.  

 "There's somebody at the door?"  Dinah looked up from topping up her wine, consternation evident upon her face.  She didn't like the idea of divvying up the wine amongst even more people.  Mago clearly agreed judging by his frown, and he held out his own glass for a top-up.

 "There's somebody at the door!"  Mitzi's proper, BBC continuity announcer voice rang out.  It was almost as if Suzie Blake² was in the room.

 "Oh, is there?" I muttered.  "Well, I'll just get it again then, shall I?  It's not even my bloody house!"

 "Chweeenk chweeenk chweeenk!" Beaky shrieked again from my shoulder - how the hells did he get there without me noticing? - terrifying both me and the second array of Blogorati (for who else would it have been).

 "Bloody hells, Beaky!  Bugger off!"

 "All right, Bab?" Hound greeted me as I ushered him in.  Cookie, Rimpy, Melanie, and Upton followed him through, but they'd barely had time to swamp me under their coats before that infernal doorbell sounded again.

D i n g   D o n g!    D i n g   D o n g!

 "There's somebody at the door" Hound sang gleefully, capering around like Rod Hull.  

 "There's somebody at the door?" Madam Arcati joined in.

 "There's somebody at the door!" Melanie 'helpfully' yelled with a big grin slapped across her face.  Despite being an American with probably no idea what was going on, she had thrown herself into the performance with gusto.

 "No, no, honestly, stay where you are.  Continue enjoying yourselves" I said as I extricated myself from the coats.  "I'll get it.  Again."  

 A feeling of dread swept over me as I opened the door³ - I should have known something was amiss as Beaky was nowhere to be seen heard. 

 "Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeee!!!" I shrieked.  "Grotbags!"

 "What did you call me?!"

 "Oh.  Er.  Very Mistress!  Why don't you come in?" 

 The Very Mistress swept into the room, her henchmenrobots Croc - clearly Norma-D2 with a giant green Croc jammed down onto her dome - and C3-Peenee as a taller, slimmer, but not gayer (such a thing wasn't possible) Robot Redford in her wake.

 "Well, now that we're all here, we might as well get down to business" she declared.

 "But what is our business, Ms Mistress?" Ms Scarlet piped up, now refreshed and abluted.

 What, indeed?

To be continued...

 

~O~

1. "There's somebody at the door!" - Emu's World

 

2. Suzie Blake's continuity announcer from Victoria Wood As Seen On TV.

 

3. "The Visitors" - Abba