Monday, 22 March 2021

CCQ: Aidan Turner in the Altogether with a Towel

 "Wow!  You really know how to handle such a big machine" IDV shamelessly innuendoed at Asriel as the driver swung the limo into Mitzi's driveway and brought it to a controlled stop outside the front door.
 "Oh, dear.  That was terrible!  The poor boy" Lady Goldberg-DeWoofs admonished as a furious blush bloomed on Asriel's handsome face.
 "I don't know?" Maddie countered.  "I might have said something similar."
 "Thank you, Maddie" IDV said.  "I'm rather out of practice.  Now, we'd better go and see what's going on inside."
 Despite the blatant flirting, Asriel had managed to get out of the limo and open the rear door for his passengers to disembark.  IDV had only just got out - not missing the opportunity to give the driver a once-over - when a minibus roared up the drive and screeched to a halt mere micromips from smushing his legs to smithereens against the limo's open door.
Hmm...  That sounds familiar.
Sshhhh!  Just let him get on with it otherwise we'll be here all day!
 "Where is she?!?" Jon barely noticed IDV sandwiched between the front of the minibus and the car door as he burst out of the vehicle.
 "Oof" said Dinah as she gracefully fell out after Jon.  A small avalanche of empty wine bottles followed in her wake, clinking and clanking around her.  A raised eyebrow from the limo driver (the resident expert) provoked a defensive mumble "They're for Ms Scarlet's Bottled Project..."
 "Sorry to startle you, IDV" Mago said as he exited the driver's side with an exasperated expression on his face.  "I was getting inundated with directions und instructions und pointing fingers..."
 As IDV sidled out of the wafer-thin gap, his mouth open to respond to Mago, a terrible scream rent the air.
 "I think it came from around the back" Maddie gasped.
 "Then let's go!" cried Jon as he leapt into action.  Well, sashayed towards the side gate, anyway...

A couple of minutes earlier, inside...
 "It's not one of mine" said Mitzi as she eyed the strange plant suspiciously.  "Maybe my maid of all work bought it?  Carmen!!?"
 Ms Scarlet jumped at the sudden bellow, then, once she'd calmed a little, said "Maybe?  But it looks rather familiar."
 Before either of them could do or say anything else, a couple of thick, vine-like tendrils uncoiled from the plant and slithered towards them.
 "Fuck me!"
 "That's just what I was going to say!" Ms Scarlet said as they dodged around the kitchen island and ran for the french doors.  After scrabbling at the lock for what seemed like an eternity, the two of them burst out of the doors and onto the lānai just as Houndwort's grasping tendrils reached their position.  
 "Bugger" Hound muttered as he grasped empty air. "Wait up, Bab!  I only want to-  Oof!"
 "Got 'im!" Mitzi crowed brandishing a rake, but her triumph was short-lived as a tendril grabbed the rake out of her hands and flung it across the garden.  "Oh."
 "If only Poldark were here with his massive scythe" Ms Scarlet puffed as she dragged herself through Mitzi's hedge (not a euphemism) then ran out into the garden, but not as fast as she normally would have done due to the wind resistance from her massive 'do.  Which was just as well really, as had she been going any quicker she wouldn't've been able to stop and would have toppled over the edge of the cliff! 
 "Aaaaiiiiieeeeee!!!" she screamed in terror as she teetered on the cliff top.  "I didn't know you lived on the coast, Mitzi?"
 "Neither did I?!" said Mitzi forgetting her Received Pronunciation again as she pulled Ms Scarlet back from the edge. "What the frig is going on?  And where's that jingling noise coming from?"
 "Oh, crap" Ms Scarlet cursed.  Houndwort had cornered them.  "Where's Aidan when I need him?!"
 "People do frequently tell me I remind them of Aidan Turner, as a matter of fact" the quivering mass of greenery said.
 "You what!? Mitzi wasn't having any of it.  "Pull the other one!"
 "Okay, Hound, let’s see some pics!" Ms Scarlet challenged him.  "IN A TOWEL!"
 With a grunt and a lot of ruffled leaves, Houndwort transformed into a very convincing Aidan Turner clad only in a VERY small flannel.  "What do you think, Bab?"
 "Phwooooaar!"  Ms Scarlet hurriedly contained herself.  "I mean, the accent could do with a bit of work.  How did you do that?"
 "Well, I am a witch, you know!" he said flailing around with a big scythe.  "IDV's not the only one."
 "Oi, mind my flower" Mitzi said with a frown.
 "I thought that would have been lopped years ago?" Ms Scarlet whispered out of the corner of her mouth before turning back to 'Aidan'.  "So, what do you want, then?  Why are you chasing me?"
 "Oh, yeah.  I nearly forgot.  Your frock is tucked in your knickers - along with something else.  I just wanted to let you know before you became a laughing stock."
 "What?!?  Oh, no!  What is it?" Ms Scarlet shrieked as she reached under her white ermine coat and scrabbled around in the vicinity of her derrière.  Her fingers brushed against something velvety yet curiously crispy and jingly.  "Oh, no..." she said as she brought the offending item out into the light of day.
Ah.  Now we're caught up...
 A commotion behind them at the side of Mitzi's house got their attention - A pile of Blogorati surged into the garden like a human tsunami, flattening everything in their wake!  
 Well, they would have done had there been more of them, but IDV's declining readership couldn't stretch to a tsunami, so a moderate swell of five (there would have been seven, but Lady Goldberg-DeWoofs stayed behind to comfort Asriel after IDV's terrible flirting) picked their way carefully around Mitzi's prized specimens (again, not a euphemism) towards Ms Scarlet, Mitzi, and Hound-Aidan.
 "Oh, Scheiße!" Mago swore, somehow finding himself at the forefront with a ringside seat view of the item that dangled betwixt Ms Scarlet's dainty fingers.  "Die Freakin' Grüne Elfenshorts?!?"*
 Jon looked like he was about to throw up while Dinah grimaced and turned away, then had to turn the other way as she found herself on the receiving end of IDV's sneer of disgust.
 "I didn't realise I had them on me!" Ms Scarlet wailed.  "I was practising for the compo before you all turned up and scuppered my Cake Rescue."
 "Well, well, well" Maddie said and waggled her rubber-gloved fingers at Ms Scarlet.  "It seems I'm the only one equipped to deal with them."
 "You're welcome to them, Maddie.  Here - catch" and Ms Scarlet threw the 'Shorts towards Mistress Maddie but a gust of wind caught them and they sailed towards the cliff edge.  Fearing for the consequences should the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts get loose, as one the Blogorati ran towards the airborne polyester pests.
 "Noooooo!!!" Hound-Aidan shouted  "Not through the hedge!!"  But it was too late, the five of them - including IDV, who should have known better - crashed through the low, in-need-of-a-trim hedge.


Somewhere else...

 "Where are we?"
 "Working..." a mechanical female voice answered.  "You are in the aboretum aboard the USS Enterprise."
 "Oh, dear..." said Ms Scarlet as she looked down to see what she was wearing.  When she looked back up, she tried to ignore the delighted grin slapped across IDV's face.

To be continued...


* I hope I got this right, Mago?


  1. Who knew that Poldark was from Walsall?

    I (and Dinah) certainly hope there's a wine cellar on the USS Enterprise... Jx

    1. Not to mention good lightning and a wet bar.

    2. Poldark wouldn't be seen dead in Walsall!

    3. Oh, Jon! If not, we'll get that engineer chap to beam some up. Now, what should we drink with a croque em bouche...

    4. A schooner of Port! Jx

    5. I'm pretty sure there's a wine cellar and wet bar aboard the Enterprise. After all, Scotty (that engineeer chap, Dinah) had to get his whisky from somewhere?

    6. I'm distracted by Jon's sashaying.

    7. I'd like to think the sashay is Jon's normal method of locomotion, but I suspect that it was brought on by a stone in his shoe in this instance...

    8. I'll have you know I was very good at the "Hundred Yard Mince" when I was a young gal. Jx

  2. It's your birthday!!!!! Shouldn't you be in the back of the limo with Asriel? I can distract the DeWoof......

    I emailed you. I hope I got it right? Happy Birthday Dearest ����������

    Those are balloons...not sperms BTW!!!!!

    1. wELL shit...they became question marks in diamonds?!?!?!?!?

      Well... if you have any condoms, go blow some up...and say there from me.

    2. Mysterious diamonds are just as good as balloons, dear Maddie. Or condoms...

      Asriel had a lucky escape - he's still in the limo outside Mitzi's while I'm aboard the Enterprise with the rest of you! Ah, well... I'm bound to find a cute crewman to harrass.

  3. Out of practice at flirting, my paw. Lovely continuation and I hope you had a lovely day.

    1. It wasn't the birthday I'd planned (pesky sisters/nieces/dogs/parents/brothers-in-law etc. despite lockdown and social distancing!) so I'm going to have another day all to myself v.soon!

  4. Well that's given me an idea, although Rimpy may not like it!
    Anyhow, I am thrilled, at one point in this story I had a double dose of Aidan in a towel - I didn't know where to put my eyes for the best viewing experience. But I was happy.
    Oh my goodness - please don't let me be wearing Crocs at the end of this!!

    1. Fear not, Ms Scarlet. There shall be no Crocs in this tale. Well, unless there are...?

      Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed your eyeful. Or two. We just have to try and get to the end of this adventure within the next post.

  5. Where was I? Must have been off finding a secret room. I'm very good at finding secret rooms. If there wasn't a wet bar before I'll have one created in a jiffy! Quick story: When I first met a British coworker some years ago we literally ran into eachother in the stairwell. I spilled my latte on his shoes. He quickly apologized on my behalf and cleaned it up while I just stood there and watched. Some weeks later we met after hours at a nearby pub. He looked deep into my eyes and said, "My god your eyes are amazing! (He should have stopped there, but alas he did not.) "Back in the 1600s Ireland they would have accused you of being a witch with your green and gold eyes like that. You would have been tossed down a well to your death!" I looked deep into his eyes and asked, "Is this seriously how you flirt? 'Lovely eyes, you'd be tossed down a well for that!'" Ha,ha,ha. Also, did I see a link somewhere that you had published a book at some point? So many blog pages with links flying around. If you've published something. I want to check it out! I've been working on a collection of dark fiction short stories myself.

    1. I had a look ahead to the next (and hopefully last) part, and I'm pleased to announce that you make a triumphant return!

      Ah, the 'terrible British flirt'. I shouldn't tell you this but, much of the time its just put on for the sake of unwary Americans (and other foreigners). And I notice you didn't actually say whether it ended up being successful...

      Oh, and yes, there was a book some years ago. It was a rather ill-advised collection of spells and other jiggery-pokery, and only published Over the Cusp where magic is little more than an annoyance, really.

    2. I forgot to say, that I'd be very interested in reading your dark fiction short stories. Which reminds me: I still haven't managed to get my copy of Neil Gaiman's Smoke and Mirrors off my sister!

  6. Yay! We became friends. Although we've lost touch now because that was a long time ago. Had we met sooner I probably would have given him a go, but he crashed into me just a mere week after I'd met a guy who ended up being my now husband of sixteen years.

    Your book is not accessible now then? I should still like to see it if possible. I really should get back to editing so that I have something to show for it! Funny that you mention Neil Gaiman, lately I've been picking up "Trigger Warnings", reading a short story and then get back to whatever I need to be doing. In his intro he laments how little respect short stories get from publishers and it's true! In modern, fast-paced societies where people have so little time, you'd think that bite-sized stories would be more successful, but publishers poo poo them as if they are some lesser breed of printed works.

    1. I do like short story or two for when I know time is at a premium, and that picking up a novel (particularly if it's very good) means that I'm likely to not do whatever is I'm supposed to be doing instead of reading (so, I just don't pick up that novel).

      As for my book, "published Over the Cusp" = made up/does not exist in this world. Maybe one day, though... (probably long after you've edited & published yours).

  7. wait, wait, WAIT! I seem to have missed a shit ton of happenings lately! I didn't miss IDV's birthday, I'm pretty sure of that, but what? Another contest? Another party? My book o'important dates is still in storage and I can't fucking remember anything anymore! *massive pout and also quivering lower lip* and now there's a continuing tale that I have to catch up with??? that I'm not even in? xoxoxo

    1. Dear Savvy, fear not - you have not missed another contesst. Yet.
      You have missed your cameo in the second part of this adventure Over the Cusp, though (the post before this - which also mentioned the contest that you DID win). If you're good - or I cave in to that massive pout and quivering lip - you may find yourself in the next part, too!

  8. Whenever the conversation drifts into something about Star Something, as it so often does, I have to ask "Is that the one with Darth or Picard?" and, oh my, the venom....

  9. And then I find out the Picard guy is in some comic book movie too. What do these people want from me?

    1. For you to stop watching drains getting unclogged on youTube and start watching Star Trek (not Wars - but you are allowed to watch the X-Men movies, though).

  10. I read that as the 'Catamites' of the Carmine Quill.

    Mitzi would never use 'Ere!' to attract someone's attention, that's reserved for bingo callers, Mitzi favours 'Oi!' followed by a few clicks of the fingers.

    1. Sorry - I must have lost concentration due to that scythe being swished around. I'll correct the "'ere" atrocity forthwith!

      P.S. I had to look up 'catamites' - Fancy that!


  11. Two thoughts

    #1 The Houndwort is getting to much Nitrogen in it's fertilizer.

    #2 Aidan Turner clad only in a VERY small flannel is wildly preferable to Aidan Turner in a bath towel


    1. re #1 - It was either nitrogen or bonemeal, and we all know that a meal of b-

      Moving on. #2 - That flannel was practically a postage stamp!

  12. Back off, Arcati!!! Aidan is all mine! But I do like your suggestion re the VERY small flannel.

    1. Girls! Girls! Mind you don't rip the flannel in two during your fight.


  13. No worries, you get it all right IDV !


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?