Saturday, 27 March 2021

CCQ: An Enterprising Ending (at last)

 "You silly sods!"  Hound was quite cross.  "Now look what you've done."
 "What happened?  How did we get here?" a bewildered Mago asked.
 "Someone - or possibly sometwo - were thinking of Star Trek when they crashed through my hedge, weren't they?"
 Ms Scarlet guiltily put a hand to her basket-weave bouffant while the grin dissolved from IDV's face.
 "Yes, but really?" The disbelief in Maddie's tone was palpable.
 "Yes, really" said Hound.  "I'm a hedgewitch.  For me the hedge is both the witch's setting and a gateway to other places.  Mitzi's hedge was still charged up from when I transported us to the Cornish coast for the Poldark thing, so blundering through it while thinking of Trek brought us here."
 "My hedge did this?" Mitzi didn't look happy.  "Right.  It's coming down once we get back."
 "Oh, I'm no good with this Star Trek stuff" Dinah cut in.  "Let's just go back through so we can all go home.  I'm tired - I'm several time zones from where I normally am and it's all catching up with me."
 "Several time zones?"  IDV whispered, nudging Ms Scarlet for attention as he gestured at their surroundings.  "And the other 250 years!"
 "Oh, Mr Devine!"
 "Oof!" said Dinah as she found herself face down on the other side of the hedge.  
 "Well, that didn't work."  Mago helped Dinah up after her unsuccessful return trip.
 "All the magic was used up getting you all here" Hound said.  "We're not going anywhere for a while."
 "Will you lot stop trampling my plants!" a loud voice cut through the Blogorati's sniping.  "And get off my lawn!"
 As one, the Blogorati turned towards the source of their berator.  There in the corner, shovelling a big pile of something ghastly-looking, was someone familiar wearing a red miniskirt uniform like Ms Scarlet's.
 "Ms Nations?"
 "Stop your gawping, IDV" she said.  "This tribble shit isn't going to spread itself."
 Oh.  Er, no.  I suppose it won't.  Um.  Actually, our shift's about to start - we'd better go"  IDV shooed the milling Blogorati towards the turbolift.  "C'mon, let's get out of here."
 "Suit yourselves" Ms Nations muttered to their backs as they walked off.  "I'll just get my garden hoes to do it.  Boys!" she yelled.  As the turbolift doors closed on the Blogorati, two muscular non-coms dressed in not very much appeared.  Several pairs of widening eyes were treated not to bulging, hot, sweaty manual labour¹, but to the doors snapping shut. 


A short turbolift ride to the recreation deck later...

 "I don't see why we can't go back" Jon protested.
 "Because we're in the next part of the story now, of course" IDV said rather patronisingly then glared at Hound.  "Isn't that right?"
 "Hey!  Don't blame me.  It might have been my hedge that got us here, but it's your bloody story!"
 "I need a drink!"  Mago interrupted, strategically cutting off the Argument of Witches.
 "Me too" Dinah agreed.  "Where's the bar?"
 Maddie narrowed her eyes and slowly turned on her heels as she surveyed the cavernous recreation deck.  Suddenly her arm shot out, finger pointing towards a softly lit alcove. "There!" she cried triumphantly and stalked towards it.
 "Thank fuck" Mitzi said.  "Follow that Queen!"
 "Hang on a minute" Ms Scarlet called to the rest of the Blogorati as they headed off.  "I'm just going to the loo" and she ducked into an unlabelled door.  Rather surprisingly, the room did appear to be a futuristic lavatory. What a stroke of luck, she thought and headed to a cubicle.  She opened the door and-
 "Christ!"  There before her - well, stuck to the ceiling - was herself!
 The two Ms Scarlets stared at each other in shock for several seconds.  Eventually, the Ms Scarlet not stuck to the ceiling with thick, sticky Alien resin found her wits.  "Wha-?"  Okay, so she didn't find many of her wits, but the rest were making a concerted effort to regroup and return to her head.
 "Oog..." the cocooned Ms Scarlet groaned.  "Who are you?  Are you... Me??"
 Suddenly, with her wits back where they belonged, everything fell into place.²  "I remember this" she said.  "Well, sort of.  I thought this happened on the Priscilla, not the Enterprise, though?"
 "Wot?" cocooned Ms Scarlet said, then corrected herself.  "I mean: What?  I mean: Pardon?"
 "This is ten years ago!" full bladder Ms Scarlet exclaimed, realisation having kicked in.  "I remember now.  Ms Mistress had stolen my wig and uniform then stuck me up on the ceiling with her saliva while she impersonated me impersonating Uhura.  Then a future me appeared and released me."
 "Well?" cocooned Ms Scarlet huffed as full bladder Ms Scarlet just stood there with a triumphant look on her face.  "Release me, then!"
 "Oh.  Yes.  Um.  Just a mo" abashed, Ms Scarlet climbed onto the toilet seat and started tearing away the disgusting dried spit.
 "Careful!" the almost de-cocooned Ms Scarlet warned, but too late.  Full-bladder Ms Scarlet tore away a big chunk of resin that turned out to be a structural piece, and her younger counterpart dropped to the floor.  "Ouch."
 "Oops!  Sorry.  I remember that happening now."
 "Perhaps you could have remembered before I fell?" 
 "Next time, maybe.  Although, I'm sure when this happened to me we were on the DragKingon's ship as the Enterprise had blown up?  It all seems to be happening differently."
 The no-longer-cocooned Ms Scarlet just stared at her.
 "What?  Oh, hang on, I really do need the loo." Full-bladder Ms Scarlet shimmied out of her red mini-skirt uniform (because, for some bizarre reason, the high-cut shorts were sewn into the mini-skirt tunic - almost as if it was to look good on TV, rather than be practical for everyday use), and ducked into the cubicle.  Seizing an opportunity, the younger Ms Scarlet shimmied into the discarded 'dress', stuck her head in the replicator and dialed up basket hair, then inspected her reflection in one of the mirrors above the wash basins.  Aside from looking MUCH a bit younger - she'd have to remember to tell the cameraman not to slather as much Vaseline on the lens - she was good to go.  So she did.
 "Hey!  What's going on out there?" the now half-empty-bladder Ms Scarlet shouted.

 With Jon, Dinah, Mago, Maddie and Mitzi at the bar, IDV, Hound and Carmen arranged themselves at a couple of tables, hoping to crowd out the only other occupant.
 "Someone's sitting there" the occupant told Carmen in no uncertain terms as she lowered herself into a chair.
 "Look!  It's Uhura!" IDV whispered excitedly, elbowing Hound in the ribs to get his attention.
 "Oh, I give up - you're as bad as Mago."
 "It's Melanie, actually" 'Uhura' said with a grin.  "Hi everyone!"
 "That's a fabulous 'do, Melanie" Ms Scarlet said smoothing her uniform down as she returned from the loo.  "No, not next to me, Carmen!  Over there.  Over there!"
 "Thank you!" Melanie said ignoring Ms Scarlet shooing Carmen away.  "Wow!  You look amazing!  A lot younger than I expected."
 "Christ!" IDV swore under his breath as Ms Scarlet preened.  "Another Uhura.  Is Melanie the fourth or fifth one, now?"
 "You'll never guess who I've just seen at the bar?" another Uhura breathlessly gushed as she approached the table with a couple of drinks.  "Hang on, who're all these..."
 "Ms Scarlet?!"  Savvy was agog.  "You must let me know your beauty routine - you look so young!"
 "Who'ssssss sssssitting in my chair?" yet another Uhura hissed as she lowered herself from the ceiling, a distressingly viscous clear liquid dripped from her terrifying maw all over Carmen who was just settling herself opposite a clearly agitated IDV.
 "Oh, just throw her aside" Mitzi replied not looking up as she plopped a tray of drinks down on the table.  "She's only my maid-of-all-work and shouldn't be sitting with us anyway."
 Everyone polited ignored Carmen's scream as she was flung over to the tables either side of them.  Everyone except Melanie who did a remarkable job of not messing herself considering she'd never had the pleasure of meeting an Alien Queen close up.  Particularly one in a badly fitting red Starfleet mini and lop-sided Uhura wig.  "Shit!" she said, then quickly recovered.
 "Oopsssss!  Ssssssorry.  Got carried away in the part."
 Mitzi actually looked up at this point and took in the carnage.  "A bit of UHU and a couple of sticky plasters will have Carmen up and running in no time" she said reaching for a pint of creme de menthe.
 "Ms Mistress!" Ms Scarlet greeted Alien Queen Uhura.
 "Oh, no..." IDV groaned.  He had groaned earlier, but no one noticed because of all the Carmen Commotion, so he had to repeat his 'line'.
 "I heard that, Mr Device" the Very Mistress snapped as she simultaneously tried to adjust her off-kilter wig and fold most of her limbs in to fit in the chair.
 "Oh, I didn't mean...  I mean, it's lovely to see you and I did wonder if you were going to insinuate yourself into the story somehow, but as Uhura?  Really?"
 "Yessssss, really.  After all, I wassss Uhura before thosssse two" and the Very Mistress gestured at Savvy and Melanie with one of her feeding legs which, unfortunately, flung a streamer of drool at them.
 "And I was Uhura before you" Ms Scarlet pointed out.  "Have you still got my shoes, by the way?"
 "Oh.  Yesssss, they didn't fit me, anyway.  Hang on..." The Very Mistress rummaged around under her enormous crest for a while before brandishing a slime-covered pair of knee-high boots.  She peered closely at Ms Scarlet before handing them over.  "Have you been using the Stick of Butter Treatment?"
 "No, of course not!  This is just my natural youthfulness.  I... Eww!"  Fortunately, Ms Scarlet's expression of disgust at the gunk-smothered boots was masked by IDV's worrygutting.
 "You know the budget's always stretched to breaking point on these things, Very Mistress.  We can't afford three Uhuras!"
 "Of coursssssse we can.  We haven't got that other lot taking up mossssst of the budget with their excessssssive appearance feesssss, for a ssssstart."
 "Well, I suppose" IDV acquiesced, as he thought of Princess, Beast, Eros and Roses.  "But what if 'Petra or Tim suddenly turn up?  You know how the expenses mount up with their riders and high-maintenance needs."
 "They won't.  After all, I ate that little Danish Puff in the firssssst installment of thisssss calamity, and Tim'ssssss probably ssssstill too traumatisssssed to show hissss face - never mind hisssss other bitssssss - after your previoussssss 'attentionsssss'.
 "Hmmmmph!  He doesn't know what he's missing..."
 Bored of the budget bickering, Ms Scarlet turned to her data slate but was almost immediately interrupted.
 "What are you doing, Ms Scarlet?"
 "I'm writing a novel, actually" she replied to Savvy, and looked up, staring past the rabble of Blogorati as she imagined her world.  "It's about a beautiful young milliner who specialises in tin-foil who is hired to work on an epic sci-fi adventure film starring Aidan Turner.  Aidan falls for the milliner who-  Hey!  Watch it!"  Ms Scarlet leapt up as a dark green Aurelian waiter - who looked disconcertingly like a human-sized cormorant - knocked a glass of tranya all over her.
 "Oh, dear.  I am terribly sorry" a gold protocol droid said, flapping about with a napkin.  "They're no better than those penguin waiters³ we shoved out an airlock back at Uranus."
 "Beep boop" agreed a dustbin on wheels topped with a large tray of drinks, and then electrocuted the 'cormorant' with its probulator.
 "C3-PeeneeNorma-D2?  You're in the wrong franchise.  What are you doing here?"
 "Helping us with the drinks" Jon said as he turned up behind them, glass in hand.
 "We found them milling about at the bar" Dinah added, her wine almost sloshed out of its glass as she gestured behind them with it.
 "Careful, Dinah" Mago warned her.  "They only have twelve more bottles left!"

 "So, what happens now, then?" Melanie asked.
 "Yeah" Savvy seconded. "We're all here.  Are we going to have an adventure?"
 "It dependssss if Misssssster Device hasssss thought this far ahead" the Very Mistress answered with a sneer.  Although, it could have been a smile - the animatronics made it difficult to tell.  "Have you?" she demanded, turning to IDV.
 "Um.  No.  Not as such, no" IDV squirmed.  "I didn't expect us to be here.  The story was supposed to be finished in the previous post, but then Hound's enchantment of Mitzi's bush-
 "Don't blame me for this, Bab!" Hound cut in.
 "I'm not.  I'm just saying that things got away from me, somewhat."
 "As they usually do..."
 "Well, I think we should make the most of this lull in the drama and have a party!" Jon declared.
 "Ooh, yes!" Ms Scarlet agreed.
 "Beep boop" said Norma-D2.

The End...?



(in order of appearance)

Ms Scarlet ~ Penelope Pitstop, Patsy Stone, and Janice Rand
Madam Arcati ~ Shop Owner/Botanical Frankenstein
Mistress Maddie ~ Pam Demic
Peenee ~ C3-Peenee
Norma ~ Norma-D2
IDV ~ The Haggard Claw
Hound ~ Houndwort and "Aidan Turner"
The Very Mistress ~ Hideous Alien Queen/Uhura #2
'Petra ~ Danish Puff
Asriel Pullman ~ Chauffeur
Agnes Goldberg-DeWoofs
Melanie Reynolds ~ Lieutenant Uhura #4
Savvy ~ Lieutenant Uhura #5
Mitzi ~ "Lionel Blair"
Carmen ~ Bishop


Ms Nations as Head Hoe


On a wind-swept cliff top millions of miles away and hundreds of years ago...

 Madam Arcati smiled to herself as she spied her quarry amongst the long grass and wildflowers.  She bent over and picked up the small, suspiciously crispy flannel...

::  ::  ::

2. Sophie Ellis Bextor "Everything Falls Into Place"
3. Penguin waiters from Mary Poppins
4. Erasure "Drama"
5. Freemasons - "Rain Down Love" (feat. Siedah Garrett)


  1. Wait! The "real" Ms Scarlet's still trapped in the space loo! Without any clothes...

    And there's only twelve bottles of booze left - how will we cope?

    I predict an "after-credits teaser" is coming. Jx

    1. I'm sure a resourceful young woman like Ms Scarlet (but not quite as young as her down-time counterpart), will be able to extricate herself from a predicament like that?
      After all, she did manage to get herself aboard the USS Cafe C back in Cusp Trek VI: The Underused Crew.

      P.S. I fear there are rather less than 12 remaining bottles now...

    2. Well, I'm not responsible this time!

  2. Hmmm... I want the Uhuras to form a girl group... They can do Motown versions of David Bowie songs. Rather love this. You're a charming writer. And your taste in music! Love Murder On The Dance Floor... a revelation. Erasure can do little wrong. And Siedah had a #1 hit in the US... a duet. Remember? More, please. Too much fun.

    1. Welcome, Upton! Thank you for the kind words and not mentioning all the awkward phrasing, plot holes, and mistakes. You can come again!

      Glad you like the music, too. Although I don't remember Siedah's #1 with one Michael Jackson (I just looked it up) as I was 12 at the time, and not that into music then. I'd probably know it if I heard it.
      Perhaps The Uhuras can cover it? The Very Mistress will have to stand at the back though. And try not to eat the other two...

  3. Thank you so much for these, I really enjoyed them.
    Now if I could stop seeing the word Urethra for Uhura life would be perfect.

    1. Ah, I'm glad you approve. Of course, now that everyone knows what you can do with a hedge (not to mention a small towel) you might find yourself very popular in gardens across the land!

  4. I do bring the right amount of melanin to Uhura, sweetpea! ;) xoxox

    1. You do at that. And far less slime than The Very Mistress ;)

    2. P.S. You may be interested to hear that Uhura was once depicted as blonde-haired white woman in a 1975 comic, "The Crier in Emptiness" (and Sulu was a black man). Apparently this was due to licensing issues, but even so, it is rather indelicate to say the least.

  5. Every home should have a Norma D2 novelty serving tray I hope no one spills their drink on her, she could blow a fuse. Tranja? I thought she was serving Midori frappe.

    Thank you for mentioning Carmen in your saga, she'll be thrilled.

    1. I hope you weren't disappointed about the lack of Midori-based cocktails, Mitzi?

      Oh, and would you apologise to Carmen on my behalf about the whole getting ripped in half thing, please? And ask her when she's going to clean up all the mess she made.

  6. Jon is right. Why do I suspect another chapter coming. Is art ever really done?

    And having never yet...its nice to know whether in reality or fiction you have the ability to know of my bloodhound skills to seek out men and booze. Uncanny.

    This was a great read.

    1. Oh, there's bound to be more at some point. After all, we do seem to keep getting into such men & Booze-related mischief. Especially with you leading the way!


  7. Botanical Frankenstein. I rather like that.
    As you know, down on the home farm Delargo Seeds PLC are currently putting together our Monster collection.

    PS. Re the last episode -
    if they were spreading tribble shit on the Houndwort it is no wonder that it got a bit out of hand.

    1. I just hope that no tribble shit got mixed up with Delargo Seeds monster's compost!

  8. "I'm just going to the loo" You know me so well!! These are usually my first words whenever I arrive anywhere.
    Meanwhile, please can I stay as the younger Scarlet, forever and ever?

    I will post sometime this week and I will explain my lateness to this post. It might be vaguely Mogwashian. Melanie has given me food for thought.

    1. As the next 'Over the Cusp' adventure will probably take forever to come to fruition, then yes, you can stay as Young Scarlet forever!

      Ooh, a Mogwashian post (hoever vague)! I can't wait!

  9. Why have I been depicted as a multi-limbed drooler? You know how I despise bodily fluids.

    1. Well, they say "write what you know"...

      Anyway, I thought it was just other people's bodily fluids that you despise?

  10. I'm flattered to be the whitest Uhura in existence as she's way more worthy of our love and devotion than that silly Capt. Kirk!

    Ms Scarlett finding herself in the loo was my favorite part. For a moment I thought Angela Lansbury might show up to aid in a crossover with a reprisal of her role in "Bedknobs and Broomsticks".

    My son's been obsessed with the Xenomorph Queen since the most improper age of 3 or 4. He's like a love child of sorts if Tim Burton and Tim Curry were ever to have one. I can't wait to see what he does with the world when he's older. I expect it will be dark, funny and interesting, likely with blood and gore no doubt. He's always fascinated by the motivations of villains, but then, his mother is an anti-hero.

    They say you can tell a lot about a person by their favorite drink, mine is rum and coke with a twist of lime (aka Cuba libre). When I ordered it while dating it was always funny to watch the expressions crossing my date's face. Is she going to fuck me or fight me? Maybe one or the other, maybe both, maybe neither? It depends on how the rest of the night goes, darling.

    1. I've always thought that Captain Kirk was overrated, oversated, and overinflated. Eglantine Price would be a much better starship captain, I'm sure!

      How on Earth did your son get to see the Alien Queen (I'm not typing Xenomorph - too many letters. Oh. Wait a minute...) at age 3?? Still, probably better at that age than at 6 or 7 when it may have been taken a bit more seriously.

      You'll have to take a chance with the drinks on Norma-D2's tray - I'm not sure that she knows how to make a Cuba libre...?

    2. Ha,ha,ha. Our home is our world and yes, silly me, you haven't seen much of my world! We're two nerds/geeks, who spawned a third, not because we wanted a child per se, but a third player in the house for board games. We tried to conceive a fourth and final player, but alas it ended in tragedy. So his introduction to monsters and whatnot isn't so much movies as it is board games, books (esp. a lot of art books on "The making of Alien" for example.) He's recently become passionate about drawing which is great! I could really use an in-house illustrator. I hope he gets really good at it. We also play video games and this mom is a beast. The hubs used to go easy on him, but I wouldn't and the day he defeated me (probably in Halo) was a genuine day of celebration because he'd earned his victory by his own merit. Now he's a worthy opponent who kicks my butt quite frequently.

      You'll have to try one! It's name mean "Free Cuba" it was first created in a bar in Havana by American soldiers who were celebrating the freedom of Cuba from Spain's oppressive rule in 1902.

    3. Ah, nice, "safe" books and board games!

      Unfortunately, rum & coke brings back bad hangover memories, so I shall have to give it a pass. Why don't you have mine?

  11. Aw, Thanks, dear! Just point to any man in the bar you want me to drink under the table. :)

  12. "The Twelve Bottles of Bonk - A Countdown"

    How ... I mean the idea to have MsScarlet glued to the ceiling of a space loo, an ageless MsScarlet ... you own a peculiar head, baffles me each time I read one of your stories. And I was very touched by the indirect appearance of LX. Thank you.

    1. Ah, Mago, I'm sorry it's taken me over seven months to reply. A case of "combumbambelment", perhaps?

      And a trip over the Cusp wouldn't be complete without LX in one form or other.


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