icking her heels up as she sat atop the specially prepared 20-mattress-deep bed in the guest room, the Queen Mother drained the last of the whisky from her bottle and, cackling, threw it down to the floor. The empty bottle narrowly missed the kitchen boy who'd been roped in to help put the princess's bed together. He flinched as it smashed to smithereens at his feet, then looked up, narrowing his eyes at the old baggage ten feet above him.
"Careful, MJ!" Prince Eros called up to her, using his pet name for her from when he was just a boy. He couldn't say 'Majesty', and so had shortened it. "You'd better get her down, Beast" he instructed, turning to the hapless kitchen boy. "Before she falls and either kills herself or one of us."
Beast sighed in resignation and moved towards the ladder leaned against the foot of the bed. Just then the bedroom door opened admitting the waiter who was carrying an enormous tray of exotic fruit and vegetables.
"You took your time, Mr Frobisher" Beast snidely remarked.
Before the waiter could answer, MJ screeched down from her lofty vantage point. "You were only supposed to fetch a pea! Where is it?"
"Well, your Majesty" the waiter began, "we don't have any peas. Monsieur Queynte's fastidiousness for the exotic has meant that all native fruit and vegetables have been stricken from the castle. Hence this selection of, er... Umm.." Frobisher withered under the Queen Mother's gaze.
"Get me down from here!" she shrieked.
Beast manoeuvred the ladder towards MJ's perch on the edge of the towering bed.
"Mind my bag!"
* pop *
* FWOOOOSH *
Too late! The top of the ladder knocked into the Queen Mother's full colostomy bag, spectacularly bursting it. 70% proof piss flooded the bed, quickly soaking through the mattresses like Alien acid through deck-plates.
Displaying unusually quick thinking, Prince Eros scrambled up the ladder, secured MJ in a fireman's lift and slid down again as Beast and Frobisher started pushing the moist mattresses off the bed and out of the window, until they overtook the flood. The last, partially soaked, mattress was heaved out of the window by the two kitchen lackeys with a combined exhausted sigh.
"What will we do now?" Eros asked plaintively.
MJ hiccupped before answering. "I should think the three remaining mattresses will be fine. There's no way that princess is a proper princess. I don't even think she's a she!" She paused briefly to burp before continuing. "Put the pea under them and let's be done with this."
"We don't have a pea, remember?"
"Oh, yes" MJ looked confused. "What have we got?"
Frobisher held up the tray of exotic fruit. "These."
"OK, that'll do" MJ announced pointing at a banana.
Frobisher lifted the edge of the mattresses a little then shoved the banana underneath. Beast wandered over from the window and collapsed onto the bed. "Oh, I'm so exhausted" he whined as he lay on his back and snuggled down. "Ooh! This bed is very comfy."
"Get off there!" MJ yelled, waving a pineapple at Beast threateningly. He winced and slunk off the specially prepared bed. "Come on. Make that bed then let's go, Bitches. We'll find out the truth about Princess Petra in the morning."
~ ~ ~
Watching the scene below from their vantage point on a shelf were two stuffed toys, a puppy and a hippo.
When the humans had left the room, the hippo turned to the puppy and said "Can we anthropomorphise and gerrout of 'ere? It fookin' stinks of 'er piss."
"OK. Show's over now anyway" the puppy answered.
They both gritted their teeth and strained, becoming two almost human looking poofs sitting on the shelf. However, the puppy might have strained a little too much...
* thbbtpptbthbthpthbbbtppthbt *
"Heh heh heh! Let's see how well this Princess Petra sleeps in that" the little man who was once a stuffed toy puppy grinned evilly.
The stripy man who was once a stuffed toy hippo tried not to gag as he jumped off the shelf and followed his companion out of the room. On their way down the stairs, they passed a very worse-for-wear young(ish) 'woman' just about wearing what once must have been a beautiful red dress. She was grasping an almost empty martini glass for dear life in her right hand. Her left was clutching the bannister as she made her unsteady ascent in dangerously high heels.
~ ~ ~
In the morning - Well, the early afternoon to be honest - the door to the guest bedroom was pushed open by the Queen Mother. Prince Eros waited outside as decorum dictated.
"Hello, dear" she said to the rousing Petra. "How did you sleep?"
"Oog... I didn't get a wink." Eros gasped in shock, then slapped his hand over his mouth to prevent anymore outbursts that might betray his position.
"What?" MJ demanded, a little too much horror evident in her voice. This drunken creature surely couldn't have felt a banana though one mattress, never mind three. It couldn't be a princess. It just couldn't. "Why ever couldn't you sleep?"
"Well" began Petra, rubbing his stubble and yawning, "it was the vile decor. I just couldn't sleep in such a badly decorated room!"
You may well ask what became of Tim and the witches, suffice it to say that this story wasn't about them. Although, I'm sure we'll be catching up with young Timothy quite soon.
Only he won't be quite so young anymore...*
Mwah hah hah hah ha!
* Don't worry, Tim. I still would!