Thursday, November 06, 2008

The Prince(ss) and the Pee: Part Three

icking her heels up as she sat atop the specially prepared 20-mattress-deep bed in the guest room, the Queen Mother drained the last of the whisky from her bottle and, cackling, threw it down to the floor. The empty bottle narrowly missed the kitchen boy who'd been roped in to help put the princess's bed together. He flinched as it smashed to smithereens at his feet, then looked up, narrowing his eyes at the old baggage ten feet above him.

"Careful, MJ!" Prince Eros called up to her, using his pet name for her from when he was just a boy. He couldn't say 'Majesty', and so had shortened it. "You'd better get her down, Beast" he instructed, turning to the hapless kitchen boy. "Before she falls and either kills herself or one of us."

Beast sighed in resignation and moved towards the ladder leaned against the foot of the bed. Just then the bedroom door opened admitting the waiter who was carrying an enormous tray of exotic fruit and vegetables.

"You took your time, Mr Frobisher" Beast snidely remarked.

Before the waiter could answer, MJ screeched down from her lofty vantage point. "You were only supposed to fetch a pea! Where is it?"

"Well, your Majesty" the waiter began, "we don't have any peas. Monsieur Queynte's fastidiousness for the exotic has meant that all native fruit and vegetables have been stricken from the castle. Hence this selection of, er... Umm.." Frobisher withered under the Queen Mother's gaze.

"Get me down from here!" she shrieked.

Beast manoeuvred the ladder towards MJ's perch on the edge of the towering bed.

"Mind my bag!"

* pop *


Too late! The top of the ladder knocked into the Queen Mother's full colostomy bag, spectacularly bursting it. 70% proof piss flooded the bed, quickly soaking through the mattresses like Alien acid through deck-plates.
Displaying unusually quick thinking, Prince Eros scrambled up the ladder, secured MJ in a fireman's lift and slid down again as Beast and Frobisher started pushing the moist mattresses off the bed and out of the window, until they overtook the flood. The last, partially soaked, mattress was heaved out of the window by the two kitchen lackeys with a combined exhausted sigh.

"What will we do now?" Eros asked plaintively.

MJ hiccupped before answering. "I should think the three remaining mattresses will be fine. There's no way that princess is a proper princess. I don't even think she's a she!" She paused briefly to burp before continuing. "Put the pea under them and let's be done with this."

"We don't have a pea, remember?"

"Oh, yes" MJ looked confused. "What have we got?"

Frobisher held up the tray of exotic fruit. "These."

"OK, that'll do" MJ announced pointing at a banana.

Frobisher lifted the edge of the mattresses a little then shoved the banana underneath. Beast wandered over from the window and collapsed onto the bed. "Oh, I'm so exhausted" he whined as he lay on his back and snuggled down. "Ooh! This bed is very comfy."

"Get off there!" MJ yelled, waving a pineapple at Beast threateningly. He winced and slunk off the specially prepared bed. "Come on. Make that bed then let's go, Bitches. We'll find out the truth about Princess Petra in the morning."

~ ~ ~

Watching the scene below from their vantage point on a shelf were two stuffed toys, a puppy and a hippo.

When the humans had left the room, the hippo turned to the puppy and said "Can we anthropomorphise and gerrout of 'ere? It fookin' stinks of 'er piss."

"OK. Show's over now anyway" the puppy answered.

They both gritted their teeth and strained, becoming two almost human looking poofs sitting on the shelf. However, the puppy might have strained a little too much...

* thbbtpptbthbthpthbbbtppthbt *

"Fookin' 'ell!"

"Heh heh heh! Let's see how well this Princess Petra sleeps in that" the little man who was once a stuffed toy puppy grinned evilly.

The stripy man who was once a stuffed toy hippo tried not to gag as he jumped off the shelf and followed his companion out of the room. On their way down the stairs, they passed a very worse-for-wear young(ish) 'woman' just about wearing what once must have been a beautiful red dress. She was grasping an almost empty martini glass for dear life in her right hand. Her left was clutching the bannister as she made her unsteady ascent in dangerously high heels.

~ ~ ~

In the morning - Well, the early afternoon to be honest - the door to the guest bedroom was pushed open by the Queen Mother. Prince Eros waited outside as decorum dictated.

"Hello, dear" she said to the rousing Petra. "How did you sleep?"

"Oog... I didn't get a wink." Eros gasped in shock, then slapped his hand over his mouth to prevent anymore outbursts that might betray his position.

"What?" MJ demanded, a little too much horror evident in her voice. This drunken creature surely couldn't have felt a banana though one mattress, never mind three. It couldn't be a princess. It just couldn't. "Why ever couldn't you sleep?"

"Well" began Petra, rubbing his stubble and yawning, "it was the vile decor. I just couldn't sleep in such a badly decorated room!"

The end

You may well ask what became of Tim and the witches, suffice it to say that this story wasn't about them. Although, I'm sure we'll be catching up with young Timothy quite soon.

Only he won't be quite so young anymore...*

Mwah hah hah hah ha!

* Don't worry, Tim. I still would!


  1. UGH! Stop objectifying me!

    WV: unkbona. Weird.

  2. This is fabulous!

    I am a real princess though. Everyone knows that. With nice and dainty hands too.

    Tim: I don't think he'll ever stop objectifying you and I can't say I mind reading about you all naked.

  3. Ooh er! Vile decor did it!

    So, I'm guessing Eros didn't have to make the Princess his wiiiiife now?

    This witch wants to know how the other subplot ends...

  4. That's my kind of princess! High maintenance but in a bitchy divine way.

  5. Tim: I'm not objectifying you. I covet you for your wit and intelligence as well as your looks and body.

    CyberPetra: Yes you are. The Cusp selectively edits certain things to make for a better story, so I'm sure your hands are just as you say.

    Dave: Yep. Eros was off the hook, much to his relief.

    I'm pretty sure that the subplot will be caught up with soon, have no fear.

    Snooze: I don't think 'Petra could be any other princess.

  6. Can't wait to read all the twists and turns in the subplots, IDV. Lots of fun!

    Okay... I gotta ask.... maybe I missed something somewhere... but what does WV mean? I have seen it in a number of comments on different blogs now and have not got a clue.....

  7. Oh, Ponygirl, you dear, sweet thing. WV stands for Word Verification: You know, the thingy that you have to type in seemingly random letters before you can publish your comment?

  8. Oh.... duh.... never even though of that! Thanks, IDV. Just being a true blonde, I guess. *grins sheepishly*

    So mine now is: ching - where's the cha in front of it?

  9. Ha! That is the last time we leave any rooms open for guests to just wander in and do their business! There's a bathroom on the first floor dammit!

    *Makes note to increase security at the next party*

    Great story!

  10. Frighteningly real, will you be doing a Panto at Christmas?

  11. Ponygirl: I have stolen all the 'cha's for dance purposes.

    Thanks, Eros.

    Frobi: Panto? Heavens no. I'm not Letitia Dean, you know!

  12. The Cusp is a very mean Cusp.

  13. I'm sure the Princess will get a nice husband in the end. Either that or become a bitter witch with the rest of us. And by 'us' I mean 'me'.

  14. What I want to know is, who does Prince Eros end up with as his bride, now that the, erm, "Princess", is no longer in the running.....

    Perhaps he would be interested in a Canadian Cowgirl Princess, seeing as he is a hunky Texan (cowboy hat and boot wearin') Prince???

  15. Hurrah , I got a bigger part in this one , a kind of sub Bruce Willis action role

  16. Beast, have you learnt nothing? You really shouldn't say anything about a "bigger part" on this blog…

    It'll end in tears…

  17. Which part is bigger? And bigger than whose? Enquiring minds want to know.

    Please submit photographic proof.

  18. "Old baggage"?!



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