Oh. My. God.
I have just seen the most stunning man in all of creation! There I was just minding my own business, doing my shopping in Sainsbury's, when this... this Man rounded the aisle and nearly bumped into me. He looked me right in the eye, rendering me rooted to the spot, before sidestepping and rushing off towards the fruit and veg.
He looked somewhat like this, but taller, far better looking, slightly more muscular arms and cargo pants/combat trousers instead of the shorts:
My jaw dropped. I probably started drooling. If I wasn't holding onto my trolley I would have collapsed to the floor in a gibbering, twitching heap. As it was, I gibbered and twitched while leaning heavily on the trolley. I didn't know what to do. I still couldn't move. My brain started firing off all these commands at once until it shut down. I wanted to follow him but my legs wouldn't move. My heart was pounding in my throat. I watched, transfixed, as he made his way through the store. A woman came out of an aisle just as he was passing, and she too became rooted to the spot, her head swivelling as she tracked him, her knuckles were white as she gripped her trolley handle. I think she may have had a little 'o'! All across the store, people stood like statues, with only their heads moving to keep him in sight.
Just before he disappeared and I turned into a vegetable, the two Subconsci took over. Mine wanting to follow the Man, while Witchface's was all for getting out of there before we did something embarassing like falling at his feet to declare our undying love and devotion, and while we're down here... Mine eventually won the struggle and started manouevering our Body across the store somewhat like a lovestruck zombie. We found him near the cooking sauces looking somewhat lost. At this point IDV reasserted control and locked all our joints to prevent collapse. It also meant we looked very much like a shop window mannequin. He ignored us as he searched for whatever it was he was searching for. I tried speaking but all that came out was a barely audible "I... Oh... Oh... I... I... Oh..." etc. Then he was gone.
I don't know how much time passed before normal bodily functions became available again. I resumed shopping in a trance-like state. At one point, I found myself down the cat and dog food aisle looking for shoe laces! I tried to remember what I was supposed to be doing, but all I could recall was Mrs. Biddle's line in The Witches Of Eastwick: "This man out of absolutely nowhere, this man appeared. Heh! So charming. Not really handsome, but... riveting. Yes, that's the word. I was riveted. I was looking into his eyes, and I found myself thinking thoughts I hadn't entertained since World War II. I think I actually... blushed."
Somehow, I made it out of the store and to Car. I was in no fit state to drive, and I don't trust Car to drive itself in the wet - It's a bank holiday weekend here in Blighty, so of course it's tipping it down - so I was left with one option: "He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis" I repeated to myself again and again and again until the perfect memory of him was tainted. Managing to pull myself together, I drove home.
As I sit here typing this, I find myself thinking that I wasn't fooling anyone. It's probably MASSIVE!
Oh dear. I think I'm going to have to have a lie down or twelve...