Sunday, May 27, 2007


Oh. My. God.

I have just seen the most stunning man in all of creation! There I was just minding my own business, doing my shopping in Sainsbury's, when this... this Man rounded the aisle and nearly bumped into me. He looked me right in the eye, rendering me rooted to the spot, before sidestepping and rushing off towards the fruit and veg.
He looked somewhat like this, but taller, far better looking, slightly more muscular arms and cargo pants/combat trousers instead of the shorts:

My jaw dropped. I probably started drooling. If I wasn't holding onto my trolley I would have collapsed to the floor in a gibbering, twitching heap. As it was, I gibbered and twitched while leaning heavily on the trolley. I didn't know what to do. I still couldn't move. My brain started firing off all these commands at once until it shut down. I wanted to follow him but my legs wouldn't move. My heart was pounding in my throat. I watched, transfixed, as he made his way through the store. A woman came out of an aisle just as he was passing, and she too became rooted to the spot, her head swivelling as she tracked him, her knuckles were white as she gripped her trolley handle. I think she may have had a little 'o'! All across the store, people stood like statues, with only their heads moving to keep him in sight.

Just before he disappeared and I turned into a vegetable, the two Subconsci took over. Mine wanting to follow the Man, while Witchface's was all for getting out of there before we did something embarassing like falling at his feet to declare our undying love and devotion, and while we're down here... Mine eventually won the struggle and started manouevering our Body across the store somewhat like a lovestruck zombie. We found him near the cooking sauces looking somewhat lost. At this point IDV reasserted control and locked all our joints to prevent collapse. It also meant we looked very much like a shop window mannequin. He ignored us as he searched for whatever it was he was searching for. I tried speaking but all that came out was a barely audible "I... Oh... Oh... I... I... Oh..." etc. Then he was gone.

I don't know how much time passed before normal bodily functions became available again. I resumed shopping in a trance-like state. At one point, I found myself down the cat and dog food aisle looking for shoe laces! I tried to remember what I was supposed to be doing, but all I could recall was Mrs. Biddle's line in The Witches Of Eastwick: "This man out of absolutely nowhere, this man appeared. Heh! So charming. Not really handsome, but... riveting. Yes, that's the word. I was riveted. I was looking into his eyes, and I found myself thinking thoughts I hadn't entertained since World War II. I think I actually... blushed."

Somehow, I made it out of the store and to Car. I was in no fit state to drive, and I don't trust Car to drive itself in the wet - It's a bank holiday weekend here in Blighty, so of course it's tipping it down - so I was left with one option: "He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis" I repeated to myself again and again and again until the perfect memory of him was tainted. Managing to pull myself together, I drove home.

As I sit here typing this, I find myself thinking that I wasn't fooling anyone. It's probably MASSIVE!

Oh dear. I think I'm going to have to have a lie down or twelve...


  1. Yay! First!

    There you go again, thinking of nothing but having your snatch filled.

    Dirty cunt.

  2. I wasn't anywhere near Sainsbury's today.

  3. M and J: When the filling was that delicious, how could I not?

    Tim: Thou protesteth too much. Thou art not fooling anyone.

    And, no, I don't know why I was speaking Olde Worlde.

  4. Because you're really an old hag?

  5. Oh dear, that happened to me Thursday when a guy at the checkout counter winked at me.

    I don't remember how I got home.

  6. M and J: So speaketh he that's older than God's mother!

    Cyberpete: Did you get home?!

  7. Dude, Jamie B really is a Brit - are you sure it wasn't actually him? They are all on hiatus until next year...

    I don't know what I would do if I was faced with such perfection. Probably have a heart attack, or my head would explode.

  8. Shit! Could it have really been him?!

    * hyperventilates *

    Gaaaaahhhh! Why didn't I stalk him, just in case Tamoh Penikett was waiting for him in the carpark?!?

    No. No. It couldn't've been him. For my sanity, it couldn't. Jamie looks a bit shorter than the guy I saw. Oh God. Perhaps he was wearing high heels...

  9. I did make it home but I am missing an hour or so.

    I wonder what happened.

  10. What!? What the hell are you talking about man!? Why've you gone all medieval?

    I bet it was Jamie Bamber. You totally missed your chance there.

  11. I'm swooning, IDV. SWOONING.

    They say supermarkets are the best places to see people.

  12. Oh you perfectly captured the emotion upon glimpsing a god walking on earth. I'm drooling just reading your account.

    PS You're fucking hot. Don't be daunted by anyone. He's probably masturbating to your image right now.

  13. Probably a bit dim and doesn't notice the Medusa effect.

    On the other hand, we don't want him for his brain!

  14. Cyberpete: It's probably best not to know. Unless it was really good, in which case, get those memories back sharpish!

    I've realised why Tim: I'd been reading some Old High Vulcan. It's all 'thy must' this, and 'thee have' that.
    I'm holding out hope that now I've seen him there once, I'll see him there again.

    Dinah: That's why it's always best to have a trolley and not a basket when doing one's shopping - something to lean on if some Swoonage occurs.

    Snooze: You think? Jamie Bamber is wanking over me?

    Um... Not actually over me, of course. Unless he turned invisible and followed me home?

    * splat *

    Urgh. Something wet just hit the back of my neck...

    Fifthy: Indeed!

    Spike: Certainly not. He might use it to think of a way out of our clutches!

  15. blimey! Something I understood for a change.
    Good read too.

    Don't worry the sex would be useless.
    He'd look at you with those lazer precice eyes until your body became week and limp then take you roughly whilst you were defenceless.

    You wouldn't like it at all.

  16. I suppose I'd just have to try and put up with it, Tickers ;-)

  17. I suspect he took off to the fruit and veg aisle to purchase a more suitable dildo than your warty wand.

  18. Yeah, I was going to say something suitably smutty about vegetables, but I'm lacking the wit today.

    Take it from me, I reckon he had a tiny penis... True perfection doesn't exist. That's what I'm telling myself anyway...

    Anyway, don't you just love it when you catch yourself drooling at someone random in the shop, only to catch someone elses eye, and know they are doing the same thing. It's hilarious.

  19. "He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis. He has a tiny penis"

    You sure it wasn't John?

  20. I think it's coming back to me.

    He had a tiny penis?