Monday, May 14, 2007

Night Blight

A bouquet of stenchblossom and crapweed was thrust into my face as the blue haired minor deity wielding it leaned over to placate her spiky-headed monster offspring with a packet of scumdrops. Nuffy began systematically biting the heads off the flowers as they swung by him. Once the bouquet was thoroughly marmalised, I backed up as far as I could without coming into contact with the ghoul leaning against the inner hull of the Nightship's lower passenger compartment.

Wasn't there a first-class passenger lounge on this thing?

Standing on tippy-toes, I spied a cunningly calligraphed sign that directed those in-the-know to the upper levels. The majority of the gathered proletariat masses wouldn't be able to understand the script and curliques employed, so they'd just ignore it for fancy artwork.

I barged my way through the commoners, wincing with every heathen contact, until I reached one of the spiral staircases in the centre of the deck. Swishing my cloak around myself imperiously, I ascended gracefully. From the corner of my eye, I could see Nuffy glaring daggers at the multitudes we had left, wallowing in their own filth beneath us. It looked like they were wallowing in some of Nuffy's filth, too, unless those pellets rolling about on the deck were actually M&Ms...

I smiled to myself smugly.

At the top of the stairs I showed my credentials to the guard - a surly teenage girl in a red rubber hooded mask, knee high wolf-skin boots and little else. Sneering faintly at her sluttish get-up, I made my way out to the observation deck at the prow of the 'ship, my cloak streaming out behind me.

A flock of sword swallows flew alongside and in front of the 'ship, dipping and weaving like dolphins riding the bow-wave of a marine vessel. Amongst the swallows I noticed a couple of gaggers, too. As I stared into the roiling mists the 'ship was cutting a swathe through, one of the gaggers spat up. The slimy ejecta rocketted backwards and splattered over my blouse shirt and trousers.

My wedding outfit was ruined! There was no way that was coming out - Sputum is such a persistant stain.




Bugger.



8 comments:

  1. I certainly hope Knight is your guest to the wedding. Faling that, can't you just pick up Nuffy and wipe yourself off on him?

    I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

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  2. "showed my credentials to the guard "

    You dirty cunt.

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  3. Swish much?

    Swishing mincer.

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  4. Ah!...sputum...it's such a lovely word isn't it?.


    *remembers 7.30am sputum collection on the geriatric wards with much happiness*

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  5. I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentines, I'd rather get candy.

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  6. T-Bird: Yes, Nuffy does have his uses.

    M and J: The guard was a Girl! No Girl is seeing my 'credentials'...

    MJ: Not much. I prefer sashaying.

    SID: How many times did their false teeth end up in the sputum receptacle, too?

    Skillz: Not if the candy was called scumdrops.

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  7. There's a small town in British Columbia, Canada called "Spuzzum."

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  8. *a surly teenage girl in a red rubber hooded mask, knee high wolf-skin boots and little else*

    Sneer if you like, it works for me.

    ReplyDelete