Saturday, 19 May 2007

And the winner is...

Jinkies! It's a tie!

The two winners in the Guess the Reasons for the Emergency Wedding Pop Quiz are: S.I.D. and Spike.

S.I.D. was first to guess correctly that 3. "To tie the knot before impending death/reincarnation" was one of the reasons. The bride and groom were both already dead - she was the one being reincarnated. In fact, she probably has been by now. Filling her nappy and projectile vomiting at anyone within range. That's if she was unlucky enough to come back as a human. Again.
They were married in life, you know, too. Oh, yes. Before he realised he liked A Stab In The Dark, of course. Even though they divorced pretty sharpish, they remained friends. Which is why they agreed to marry again now.

Spike was almost uncannily close with his explanation for 5. "To wit, a great-aunt of obscene wealth on her death-bed wills her entire fortune and 48 cocker spaniels in diamond collars to our groom provided he marries someone with the opposite tackle before she shuffles off this mortal coil." The only differences being: The aunt was a great great aunt; and there was only one cocker spaniel. She did have a collection of 47 diamond encrusted cocks, though. One from each of her husbands, surgically removed just before each one met his untimely end.

Special mention must go to Tim and his Just a guess... "Is the groom an illegal immigrant, here from one of the Baltic states and fleeing persecution as a political prisoner? His is a tale of daring and excitement, tinged with loss as he tried to help his entire family across the border, only to watch as they were picked off one-by-one by a grizled sniper with a sassy attitude and a false leg? Cradling his 92 year old grandmother Svetlana in his arms as her life ebbed away, she made him vow to escape to a better life - and to avenge them when the time was right.
Instead he came to Britain, where he was given a cracking benefits package, a house paid for by the taxpayer, and then got one of the locals up the duff after splashing his aforementioned benefits package out on a celebratory alcopop binge at the local Slug and Lettuce that ended in an awkward sexual encounter on the boot of a 1983 Ford Escort, where she grazed her right buttock on a patch of rust and ended the evening with a tetanus jab in A&E."

This was the kind of detailed explanation I was looking for, people! Of course, I wouldn't be friends with such a frightful couple, so there's no way I'd go to their wedding.
As for you, Tickers, copying, nose picking and daydreaming has only served to get you expelled.

Happy now, M and J?


  1. Do I get a prize for creativity?

  2. Do I get a prize for being first?

  3. Do I get a prize for staying well out of it?

  4. So, what did you wear? Were the any cute warlocks there? Did you get drunk and reminiscent, etc?

  5. T-Bird: I was resplendant in my longest, black cloak with the dark irridescent green lining and matching hat. Underneath, I wore my favourite dark green, fitted suit with a plum shirt and tie. Only, I had to keep my suit jacket done up to cover the gagger sputum stain, so I was rather hot!
    It was because of the heat that I didn't stay long, so no dalliances ensued.
    And I only had one glass of wine! There was an abundance of champagne but I couldn't drink it because it makes me barf!

    Everyone else: I'm working on the award ceremony. I'm having trouble with the flowers, though. The first lot weren't exactly flowers, and devoured most of the stage-hands, one of the presenters and the art director! It was then that I remembered that this show was primarily for humans - yes even you John - so I had to source some more appropriate flowers. Unfortunately, that first catastrophe used almost all the budget, so I'm going to have to do the ceremony as a Blog post now. Rather than in elegant and opulant surroundings like Buckingham Palace, the Albert Hall, or Dame Edna's sitting room...


  6. Anonymous20/5/07 12:27

    We're always happy.

    Well, I am. He's just a miserable cunt all the time.

    Oh fuck me! The word veri!


    How very apt!

  7. WV obviously knew it was you.

  8. You sound buttocks-clenchingly sexy in that outfit. Got any transfiguration spells or glamours that'll make me look like Connor Whatshisface for a few hours? And a spare Pan-Continental broom?

  9. Was going to make a joke about picking, flicking rolling and chucking for Tickers, but every option was was too dirty, even for me.

    I need a shower.

  10. Anonymous20/5/07 17:22

    T-Bird: You crept up behind me just as I nipped off to disguise myself in the hopes of capturing SuperTim.
    As my evil scheme failed (this time), I now have time on my hands to find that glamour.
    As for the pan-continental brrom? I think Inexcuseable has 'borrowed' it.


    Ms DeStructor: Blimey! They must've been spewgustingly disgusting options, then?

    Much like the Cadbury ones...

  11. I agree with the butt-clenchingly sexy. Plum is such a good look, if you can pull it off.

  12. But what if I pull it off but am not wearing my Superhero costume underneath, a la Tim?!

  13. Ooh, I'm fanning myself.

    I was going to post this above, but since it works here, all of this shirt-popping reminds me of A League of their Own when Madonna suggests that to build interest her top can come unbuttoned during a game, to which it's pointed out that most people have already seen her chest. I think some or all can apply here.

  14. 1. Yay!

    She did have a collection of 47 diamond encrusted cocks, though.

    Clearly a rich great great aunt of the Plaster Caster.

  15. Effing blogger won't let me post on the pimpage post.

    Thank yer most kindly. I'm gone all moist.

  16. Oops, sorry! Somehow I'd turned the comments thingy off. It's back on now.

  17. Bastard! I'm shit at this.


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