Jinkies! It's a tie!
The two winners in the Guess the Reasons for the Emergency Wedding Pop Quiz are: S.I.D. and Spike.
S.I.D. was first to guess correctly that 3. "To tie the knot before impending death/reincarnation" was one of the reasons. The bride and groom were both already dead - she was the one being reincarnated. In fact, she probably has been by now. Filling her nappy and projectile vomiting at anyone within range. That's if she was unlucky enough to come back as a human. Again.
They were married in life, you know, too. Oh, yes. Before he realised he liked A Stab In The Dark, of course. Even though they divorced pretty sharpish, they remained friends. Which is why they agreed to marry again now.
Spike was almost uncannily close with his explanation for 5. "To wit, a great-aunt of obscene wealth on her death-bed wills her entire fortune and 48 cocker spaniels in diamond collars to our groom provided he marries someone with the opposite tackle before she shuffles off this mortal coil." The only differences being: The aunt was a great great aunt; and there was only one cocker spaniel. She did have a collection of 47 diamond encrusted cocks, though. One from each of her husbands, surgically removed just before each one met his untimely end.
Special mention must go to Tim and his Just a guess... "Is the groom an illegal immigrant, here from one of the Baltic states and fleeing persecution as a political prisoner? His is a tale of daring and excitement, tinged with loss as he tried to help his entire family across the border, only to watch as they were picked off one-by-one by a grizled sniper with a sassy attitude and a false leg? Cradling his 92 year old grandmother Svetlana in his arms as her life ebbed away, she made him vow to escape to a better life - and to avenge them when the time was right.
Instead he came to Britain, where he was given a cracking benefits package, a house paid for by the taxpayer, and then got one of the locals up the duff after splashing his aforementioned benefits package out on a celebratory alcopop binge at the local Slug and Lettuce that ended in an awkward sexual encounter on the boot of a 1983 Ford Escort, where she grazed her right buttock on a patch of rust and ended the evening with a tetanus jab in A&E."
This was the kind of detailed explanation I was looking for, people! Of course, I wouldn't be friends with such a frightful couple, so there's no way I'd go to their wedding.
As for you, Tickers, copying, nose picking and daydreaming has only served to get you expelled.
Happy now, M and J?