Wrong way down a one-way street*

I wandered into Cromer last Saturday to find something suitable to send to Princess along with The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. 
As it was a 20 minute walk into town, I decided to stop first at my favourite little cafe, Huckleberries, to recoup and gather myselves for the chore of shopping. I took a seat in the window with a coffee and a piece of their exquisite chocolate fridge cake and gazed out at the passers by.
After only a few minutes, I found myself captivated by a good-looking young man with some sort of backpack who walked towards the bus stop. I couldn't help but stare as he strode past; he was tall, slender but broad of shoulder, with a small head and enormous boots! He disappeared for a few minutes just around the corner, but my light stalking persistence paid off as he returned and walked back the way he'd come from. He had very short hair, almost a skinhead if not for the slightly longer hair on the top of his head, and a nice but serious face. In fact, he looked like he could be a bit rough. If required...

Anyway, I saw him again the next day as I was driving through Cromer with Inexcuseable and her husband. He was on his bike heading the wrong way down a one way street right at me!

Perhaps this means something?


* Sigh... OK, then. Treat it as a euphemism if you must.
   

w-w-w-WOW! TFGES contents

Embiggen by clickin'

OK, so it was just an excuse to see Eros in his next-to-nothings again...

w-w-w-WOW! TFGES Official Souvenir Edition

Click to embigulate

And the winner is...

... announced further down. This bit up here is for the build up.

First, a word from the Queen of the Elf Shorts, Andrea Knapp:

And now, without further ado, 

may I present the almosts and not quites:

Before we get to the runners up, 

we'd better have some heckling from the crowds:

So, on to the runners up:

Don't get your hopes up for a runners-up prize or anything as I'm fresh out.
Sorry.

And the winner is:

.

.

.

Congratulations Princess!

Yes Princess, you have won the much coveted, and always reviled, Freakin' Green Elf Shorts! And, you've not only won them for yourself, but for your country, too. This is the first time that the 'Shorts will be in Australia, and only the second time that they've travelled into the southern hemisphere.
Just don't let them escape once you have them, as they are an invasive species and will quickly become a threat to Australia's unique biodiversity.

I still have your address somewhere, but I'll email you to be sure before I send them off.


Thank you to everyone who took part to make this compo a success. Special thanks to Rimpy for his copious 'Shorts-based ejecta - You were so very close to winning. There was much gnashing of teeth and fingernails as I was deciding between you and Princess.
Good luck to everyone when Princess holds the compo. Which I'm hopeful will be soon. 

Dr De Vice's Dental Clinic is only loosely affiliated with the Infomaniac House of Beauty and cannot be held responsible or accountable for any mishaps or misery caused by the aforementioned institution. 

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition

Here it is! The moment you've all been waiting for. And unlike last time, you won't need sunglasses as I've taken steps to tone down the glare from the Host's legs, thanks to a gift from Miss Scarlet.

Behold... The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!

Get your thinking caps on and get those captions rolling.

Good luck!


EDIT 19.05.2013 07:40 - Your time is nearly up. The competition is only open until midday today, Sunday 19th May. If you have a devastatingly cutting or witty comment/caption for the above photo, now's the time to leave it.  I SAID NOW!


P.S. For the rules etc, see the previous post.
 

TFGES Caption Competition rules and preview

It's almost the moment you've been waiting for. In just a few short days, I shall be hosting:

The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition
 

You've all been waiting very patiently, so I shall be getting this out of the way pretty quickly. After all, I've already had the misfortune to have those things upon my person once before. 
The competition will be open for one week only, then these wretched 'Shorts will be removed from my sight and sent, post haste, to the unlucky winner.
Before we get to the compo itself, there are a few rules & regulations that you may need to know. 

These rules and regulations are brought to you in association with that Infomaniac, MJ.*

“What do I have to do to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts?” you ask. Take a long, hard look at the photo of IDV (that's me) wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts that will be posted here on Sunday, 12th May. Create a caption. Post your caption in the comments section. I’ll choose my favourite caption and post the winner’s name on, or just after, Sunday 19th May.

“May I enter more than once?” Enter as many captions as you wish, as often as you like.

“What happens if I win?” If you’re chosen as the lucky winner, I’ll send The 'Shorts to you. If you’re in another country, I’ll also send you a souvenir of my county & country; Norfolk, England, along with The 'Shorts. Bonus! Then it’s your turn to take a photograph of yourself wearing The 'Shorts and post it on your blog.

“I don’t have a blog or a website. Can I still enter?” No. You’re shite out of luck. Set yourself up with a blog because if you win, you must post a pic of yourself wearing The 'Shorts. We all want to see you make a fool of yourself like the previous winners have all done.

“If I send you my credit card number and access to my bank account, will you declare me the winner?” Bribery will not be tolerated. So far I have received bribes involving unlimited supplies of Boy Butter™, unlifelong membership of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Underworld, a gingerbread cottage and offers of sexual favours. Grovelling and begging is looked upon favourably but will not win you The 'Shorts.

“How long do I have to enter?” The competition closes at midday GMT on Sunday, May 19th. The winner will be announced by Monday, May 20th at whatever time I get around to it.

“What if I don’t want to win The 'Shorts but I want to tell you how stupid you look in The 'Shorts?” If you don’t want to win The 'Shorts you can still leave a comment. Just be sure to let me know it’s a comment and not a caption.

“Are those stains removable?” No amount of scrubbing will remove the stains. And why would you want to?

“Will you wash The 'Shorts before you send them to me?” Again, why would you want me to?

“I’m new here. What’s this all about?” If you’re wondering what this competition is all about, read The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts at MJ the Infomaniac's.
You may also like to peruse the map of their travels, as seen below:

Good luck, my pretties!


Ooh, before I go, here's that preview image:

REMINDER: Submit your captions by midday Greenwich Mean Time on Sunday, 19th May.






* Because I'm too damn lazy to do my own. Plus, MJ's are quite serviceable.

Persecuted by Preposterous Pests

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I've had one of those weeks...

It seems even Inexcuseable's home - my new home - is subject to the machinations of various supernatural flora and fauna. Am I destined never to be free of their plague?

Tuesday, 17:34 - Came downstairs to the unmistakeable odour of burning. Inexcuseable was sitting on the sofa, completely oblivious as she played Boggle on her newly acquired (she won it at work) Kindlefire. 
"Have you turned the oven on?" I asked her, rousing her from her Boggle-induced stupor. 
"Not yet" she replied, looking up cross-eyed.  
I quickly entered the kitchen and spied a flickering light though the oven's glass door. Without thinking, I opened the door. Luckily, I had my precognition switched on and ducked instinctively. 
There was a Phoenix in the oven. It screeched deafeningly and exploded out of the oven on fiery wings, launching itself out of the window and into the late-afternoon sky.
"Oh, yeah" Inexcuseable mumbled. "I forgot to tell you about that."

Thursday, 17:11 - Home from work early, I reversed Car up the drive, gathered my various accoutrements and opened Car's door to get out. At the last second I noticed the huge steaming pile of dogs mess slap-bang in the middle of the gravel, right where I was about to put my feet.  
And then the stench hit me, almost knocking me back into Car. Something this huge and repulsive didn't come from any normal dog. No, this evil-smelling, enormous pile of faintly glowing faeces could only have come from one creature: Black Shuck. 

Friday, 11:48 - Left the house when The Mother pulled up outside to pick me up and heard a whimpering from round the corner. I took a few steps from the front door and turned slightly to look over my right shoulder. There, cornered in front of the bins by Ming (AKA Spike II), was Black Shuck. The huge, black, demon dog looked pleading at me before cringing backwards out of reach of a vicious swipe from Ming's claws.
"Well, you shouldn't have shat on our driveway, should you?" I said, before getting in The Mother's car and being whisked driven very slowly away.

Saturday, 14:23 - Well, bang goes repotting my spathiphyllum. I wandered out to the greenhouse, the plant, cramped in its pot, in my arms, my eyes almost closed as I squinted in the sun. Upon reaching the greenhouse, I put the plant down and slid open the door.
"Fwwwaaaarrghhh!" I snorted as a cloud of hot, sulphurous gas billowed out and enveloped me. 
There was a dragon in the greenhouse. A smallish one, mind, but a dragon nonetheless.  And no amount of shooing with my gardening gloves would shift it.

Today, 14:22 - While writing this post, I reached over to the packet of fruit pastilles beside me, my eyes not leaving the screen. My fingers didn't find the shiny, plastic wrapper of the chewy sweets. No. Instead they touched a strangely velvety, yet crispy, fabric. I turned my head to see what it was.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"
The 'Shorts!  The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts!!
They had escaped their prison and were sneaking up on me!

Gah!  I suppose I'd better hold the flippin' compo asap so I can be rid of them?

  

Doctor McCoy, I presume?

Much as I loved the first nuTrek film in 2009, I have grown weary of it now. In fact, so weary am I of the whole rebooted concept, that I couldn't give two figs for the new film out in a week or two.

Or so I thought.

I took one look at this new poster and knew that I had to go and see Star Trek Into Darkness for this scene alone!

This scene could only be bettered if Chris Pine Kirk

 and Sylar (not Spock) joined him!

A moist Karl Urban as "Bones" McCoy is enough to get me all hot under the collar. I may have to join him in that shower in an attempt to cool off...

 

So unfair!

Remember I told you that my sister Indescribable is pregnant?
Well, I did (see last post).
And not only is she pregnant, she's very pregnant. And at noon tomorrow, when there is sure to be a media circus, the whale gets shipped out.
Ahem... Inadvertantly paraphrasing Gillian Taylor in Star Trek IV there.
Anyway, I went to see her a few days ago, and, amongst other things, she told me that she was going to make a chocolate cake for her husband's birthday on Sunday. I could scarcely believe it! Normally she's so lazy that she gets me to do it. But not this time. Hooray!

Or so I thought.

It turns out she really is lazy. So lazy, in fact, that she deliberately increased her blood pressure to get herself induced on Thursday night so she wouldn't have time to make the cake, leaving me to do it after all! Honestly, the things people do to get out of doing something else.
So, after rushing out to get the required ingredients, I shall be slaving over a hot Apocalypse Oven this morning then decorating the blasted cake this afternoon. Bang goes half my weekend.*

Bugger.


* Probably literally if Inexcuseable's Apocalypse Oven is anything like my old one was.  Wish me luck.
  

Keeping up appearances

Right.  Now that we've made the first tentative step from over the Cusp and back into Blogworld, we'd better keep the momentum up so that we don't stall again. 
Let's get on with it then, shall we?
OK, OK! Don't rush me!
* sigh *


I suppose I should let you know some of what's kept us away before we dive headlong back into this blogging lark, having at it as if we've never been away?

Firstly, I think the horror of winning The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts again may have had something to do with it.
Then there was my separation from SP back in September, followed immediately by insinuating ourselves into Inexcuseable's (and her husband's) modest castle. Castlette? Pied-à-Castle?
Recently, we've been contending with the imminent expulsion of Indescribable's demonspawn from her foetid womb, and SP's departure from this mortal realm for somewhere more... satisfying, I hope.

Oh, and then there's the more mundane (and sometimes, more horrifying) reasons:

• Commuting 2.5 hours a day to & from the Host's place of employment.
• Contending with six months of shitting winter!
• Reading.
• Genetically engineering more aerodynamic flying monkeys.
• Contributing to (and getting lost in) Memory Beta.
• Tolerating Inexcuseable's three cats.
• Squeezing in televisual treats such as Criminal Minds, The Middle, Modern Family, Grimm, Futurama, Alphas, Harry Hill's You've Been Framed, Being Human, In The Flesh and even Glee!
• Avoiding buckets of water and falling farmhouses.

Anyway (Piggy's favourite word), enough of me reeling off excuses perfectly cromulent reasons for not blogging, as I know some of you saw mention of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts and will be beside yourselves in anticipation of the compo. Fear not, I shall be hosting it very soon as I want rid of the despicable things!

Now, be off with you as I have things to attend to.

Ta da!

Behold! To celebrate/commiserate my return to blogging, I bring you the magnificence of orange and silver, together again* for your eyes only.

T-shirt supplied by Wet Dog of Cromer

Oops! Perhaps I should have warned you to wear your Fabulous Shades™ first? After six months of winter, my skin has a certain whiter-shade-of-pale glow to it. Just be thankful I didn't post the photo I took when I was outside. Think ski-slope on a sunny day: Blinding!
Oh, yes, before I forget: I haven't grafted HAL onto my neck in place of my head - That's my camera.


* For any newbies and those who have managed to eradicate the brilliance/horror of my first foray into high fashion, click here.
 

The Witch is back

Well, it seems once again I have within my clutches those despicable Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. 

Almost.*

But what an occasion to return to the Blogworld!  I must admit, I was humming and hahing about whether to jack it all in forever, and thought I'd have a quick flick through a few of my favourite blogs just to see what's been going on before I close up shop and retire over the Cusp. 
I didn't get far before I discovered Miss Scarlet had "appropriated" the 'Shorts from Beast  (and a good thing she did too, as Mr Beast had hung on to them almost as long as 'Petra!), and was holding The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.
Now, I'm not one to pass up making a snide or bitchy comment, so I couldn't help but leave a remark or two at Miss Scarlet's. However, I did refrain from nastiness as the hostess is a splendid acquaintance. Little did I know that one of those captions would capture her heart - or possibly her gall bladder - and crown me the winner of the infernal things.
Had I had my precognition switched on I would have included a caveat with my captions promising the 'Shorts to another worthy blogger** as I've already had the "pleasure" of their company once before.
Why don't you just pass them on to someone else now? I hear you ask.
Because I'm greedy and need the attention.  Just for a little while, mind, then I'll calm down and bask in someone else's glory instead of my own. Speaking of which: Congratulations to the two runnersup, Kabuki Zero and lx!

Before I forget, here's the updated FGES Travel Map should you be inclined to trace their trail of filth across the globe:

Now, if you don't mind, I've got to cut this short as Castle DeVice needs 'Shorts-proofing and I don't know how much time I have left!


* I have yet to receive them in the post.
** Such as the delightful Princess, a) because of the aforementioned delightfulness, and b) because those vile things should be as far away from here as possible and Australia is pretty damn far. Or, Tim...

* imagines Tim in all manner of poses clad only in The 'Shorts, the ghastly 

synthetic fabric clinging suggestively to certain bulges... *  

Ahem. I'm just going for a cold shower then a lay down. I can feel one of my heads coming on.