Monday, 6 May 2013

Persecuted by Preposterous Pests

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I've had one of those weeks...

It seems even Inexcuseable's home - my new home - is subject to the machinations of various supernatural flora and fauna. Am I destined never to be free of their plague?

Tuesday, 17:34 - Came downstairs to the unmistakeable odour of burning. Inexcuseable was sitting on the sofa, completely oblivious as she played Boggle on her newly acquired (she won it at work) Kindlefire. 
"Have you turned the oven on?" I asked her, rousing her from her Boggle-induced stupor. 
"Not yet" she replied, looking up cross-eyed.  
I quickly entered the kitchen and spied a flickering light though the oven's glass door. Without thinking, I opened the door. Luckily, I had my precognition switched on and ducked instinctively. 
There was a Phoenix in the oven. It screeched deafeningly and exploded out of the oven on fiery wings, launching itself out of the window and into the late-afternoon sky.
"Oh, yeah" Inexcuseable mumbled. "I forgot to tell you about that."

Thursday, 17:11 - Home from work early, I reversed Car up the drive, gathered my various accoutrements and opened Car's door to get out. At the last second I noticed the huge steaming pile of dogs mess slap-bang in the middle of the gravel, right where I was about to put my feet.  
And then the stench hit me, almost knocking me back into Car. Something this huge and repulsive didn't come from any normal dog. No, this evil-smelling, enormous pile of faintly glowing faeces could only have come from one creature: Black Shuck

Friday, 11:48 - Left the house when The Mother pulled up outside to pick me up and heard a whimpering from round the corner. I took a few steps from the front door and turned slightly to look over my right shoulder. There, cornered in front of the bins by Ming (AKA Spike II), was Black Shuck. The huge, black, demon dog looked pleading at me before cringing backwards out of reach of a vicious swipe from Ming's claws.
"Well, you shouldn't have shat on our driveway, should you?" I said, before getting in The Mother's car and being whisked driven very slowly away.

Saturday, 14:23 - Well, bang goes repotting my spathiphyllum. I wandered out to the greenhouse, the plant, cramped in its pot, in my arms, my eyes almost closed as I squinted in the sun. Upon reaching the greenhouse, I put the plant down and slid open the door.
"Fwwwaaaarrghhh!" I snorted as a cloud of hot, sulphurous gas billowed out and enveloped me. 
There was a dragon in the greenhouse. A smallish one, mind, but a dragon nonetheless.  And no amount of shooing with my gardening gloves would shift it.

Today, 14:22 - While writing this post, I reached over to the packet of fruit pastilles beside me, my eyes not leaving the screen. My fingers didn't find the shiny, plastic wrapper of the chewy sweets. No. Instead they touched a strangely velvety, yet crispy, fabric. I turned my head to see what it was.
The 'Shorts!  The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts!!
They had escaped their prison and were sneaking up on me!

Gah!  I suppose I'd better hold the flippin' compo asap so I can be rid of them?



  1. HAve you been reading Harry Potter again?
    I was thrilled that "fawkes" had found a new nest until you rudely released him from his comfy oven...

    The ghost of Sirius Black has obviously taken a liking to shitting on your driveway...
    And just think of all the battle fun you and broom can have when that dragon in the greenhouse gows up and starts wanting to protect its golden eggs...

    You may well find a semi naked freek'n elf somwhere in the haunted forrest if you're lucky...

    Well you have his shorts... That should at least put you on to his scent....

  2. Will the smallish dragon be included with the FGES this time?

  3. Princess: Harry shitting Potter?! Are you quite mad? I'll say good day to you, your highness.

    P.S. Thanks for the tip off re the naked elf...

    * winks *

    LX: If I can manage to get it packaged up without it burning through the wrapping paper...

  4. you won the FGES again, didn't you? *CRS here* ;~) xoxoxox

  5. 'Petra: I KNOW!

    Savvy: It was an accident, I swear it!


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