Sunday, 15 September 2019

The I.T. Wizard of Oz

Continued from... Visiting the Viridian Village

 "Look!" said Maddie as she hovered just below the clouds above the Viridian Village.  "There's the old Scarecrone outside the palace."
 "Where?" Jon burst out of the cloud, wings outstretched as he scoured the ground below.
 "There.  Heading towards the gates with the others."
 "Oh, yes, I see.  Come on" Jon beckoned Maddie and a couple of her nubile, young flying monkey houseboys, "let's go get her!"


 "I'm not sure how I feel about this?" Mago pondered.
 "About what, Mr Mags?"
 "About stealing IDV's broom for the wizard.  I just don't think it's right."
 "But that was the deal" Ms Scarlet said.  "The broom in exchange for wi-fi & satnav for me, courage for Beast, and the surgery required to get that tin foil hat off your head!  I don't think Mr Devine will give it up voluntarily, so we'll just have to take it."
 "Oh, nein.  It's not the stealing that concerns me.  I mean: I'm worried that that old broom will never get the Wizard all the way to south-east Texas!"
I think we probably should have featured Broom earlier, hmm?
Oh!  We could have used it to fly off on when The Very Mistress first turned up in Loompaland!
Bugger!  A missed opportunity.
Hang on a minute.  The wizard doesn't escape Oz on a broom, he uses a hot air bal-
 "Quiet, you two!"
 "Who are you berating, Very Mistress?  No one said anything?"
 "Oh, just IVD's and the Host's meddlesome, irritating SubConsciousnesses.  I've been able to hear them since their birthday last year.  I don't know how he puts up with them?"
 Thank you!
 "Wha-?  Who said that??"
Oh, shit.
Shhhh!  You're not the narrator.
Well, who is?  The writing's all in white, so it appears to be Witchface,
but it's all over the shop, so who can tell?
Anyway!  Back to the gates...

 In a flurry of feathers fit for the most fabulous of drag queens, Maddie, Jon, and a couple of minor flying monkeys carrying some sort of wooden contraption, swooped down upon the Blogorati.
 "Aaaaaiiieeeee!!!  They're in my hair!  They're in my hair!!" Beast shrieked like a little girl and ran around waving his hands above his head ineffectually.
 "Shut up, Baldilocks" The Very Mistress said scornfully, rolling her eyes "they're not here for you."  The flying monkeys set down and beckoned her to the sedan chair.
 "Ms Mistress!" Ms Scarlet piped up.  "Where are you going?"
 "The same place as you - to IVD's castle."
 "But...?" Ms Scarlet waved her arm towards the sedan chair and the waiting monkeys.
 "The thought of being stuck in a car for another journey with Beast and his flatulent arse was too much, so while you were seeing the wizard, I called for a lift" The Very Mistress explained as she got in the chair and the flying monkeys prepared for take off.  "Fortunately, there's only enough room for one.  Byeeeee!"


A little later at Castle DeVice...

 I could scarcely believe it: I was actually enjoying some peace and quiet, and had managed to languish in the gincuzzi - undisturbed - for nearly an hour!  I should have known that it couldn't possibly last...
 "Oh, no" I muttered to myselves as the sound of gravel crunching under tyres reached my gin-soaked ears.  They'd arrived!
 I started to haul myself out of the gincuzzi, but then more noises - the beating of wings, a wooden-sounding clonk, and an annoyed "Careful, you clods!" - from the balcony gave me pause.  Typical.  Those shitting flying monkeys were back, too.  And it sounded like they'd brought someone with them.
 After hurrying into my black bath robe and marabou & emerald embellished open-toe boudoir mules, I slinked through my shadowy bathroom to the louvred bi-fold doors which I opened on to the now occupied balcony.
 From below, Mitzi's laughter rose like the tinkling sound of silver bells cascading down a sheer rock face into a limpid pool of pulchritude
Drat!  Mitzi has preempted us.  What to say instead?
Well, we have some descriptors left over from that time we had to compose a caption for
Dame Barbara Cartland's hummingbird fart-filled 'Puffer Fish' hat?

Hmmm...  I'm not sure Mitzi would sign off on 'redolence', 'impudent', or possibly 'supernatant'?
Well then, how about: Mitzi's giggle ascended like a carillon of glass chimes plunging down a
precipitous precipice into a luculent lagoon of loveliness?  Or something.
That'll do.  C'mon, let's just get on with it or we'll be here all day.

 From FAB 1 two floors below, Mitzi's coquettish giggle ascended like a carillon of glass chimes plunging down a precipitous precipice into a luculent lagoon of loveliness.  Her delicate, ladylike laughter a tonic for the cacophony of squabbling that was sure to start anytime.... Now!
 "Ah, there you are, IVD!"  The Very Mistress was her usual charming, understated self as she stepped out of the haphazardly plonked sedan chair, and not strident at all.  "What iss the meaning of thisss?!"
 "The meaning of what?"  I tried feigning innocence, but was not successful.
 "Thissss!" she hissed, and swept her arm around in an all-encompassing arc, narrowly avoiding Jon and Maddie who ruffled their feathers indignantly.  "You usssurping my role asss the Wicked Witch of the Wessst for a sssstart.  Ms Ssscarlet getting all the good liness.  Beasst!  I mean, what the hellsss iss he doing here??  And to top it off, underneath all thisss" and The Very Mistress threw off her Scarecrone costume revealing Ms Scarlet's red Starfleet mini-skirt uniform.  "Oh.  I forgot I sssstill had that on.  I thought it wasss a bit hot here.  Wait a minute..."  Some struggling with hidden zippers and the velour-like xenylon fabric eventually enabled her to discard the uniform and reveal her Alien Queen form.  "Why am I ssstill the Alien Queen?!?"
 "I...  Well, um..." I struggled to come up with an explanation, but was saved by a curious glingling sound and a large bubble floating through the balcony doors, and at the same time, the clattering of feet on stairs, followed by my bathroom door swinging violently open.

glingle  glingle   P O O F ! *

* C L U M P *

 The bubble burst revealing Dinah, still in her lilac taffeta number, who clapped her hands to her mouth and gasped as the bathroom door flew open and right into The Very Mistress, who staggered backwards under the impact and teetered rather comedically on the edge of the gincuzzi as Ms Scarlet, Sid, Mago, Beast, Hound, Mitzi and Carmen burst into the room.
 "Oops!" said Ms Scarlet.
 "Woof!" said Sid, wagging his tail happily.

* Splash! *

 "Oh, dear" said Mago.  "You're for it now."
 The gincuzzi frothed violently as The Very Mistress thrashed about in its depths trying to regain her footing.
 "I'm melting!  Melting!" she screeched, having got her head above water gin & tonic. And then, upon steadying herself, she stood up, frowned, and gave a rather lacklustre performance for the rest of her line as her Alien Queen outer shell dissolved in the G&T to reveal her hideous old Skeksis inner self.  "Oh, what a world et cetera et cetera...".  The assembled Blogorati gaped in shock at the flagrant disregard for the story.
 "What the...?" I broke the stunned silence.  "'et cetera et cetera'?"
 The Very Mistress sniffed and clambered out of the gincuzzi.  "Well, it was a bit obvious that I was going to get your comeuppance, don't you think?"
 "Oh, yes, Very Mistress" Beast snivelled.  "Obvious."
 "Oh, do shut up, Mr Beastie!" Ms Scarlet snapped.  "It's my line now.  I should be centre stage."
 "What's going on?" Mago asked.
 "Shhh!  Places everyone!  Cue me."
 "What?" Dinah looked confused.  "What's happening now?"
 "I'm not happy with the script" The Very Mistress said.  "I can put up with a lot, but this is now getting beyond clichéd and predictable.  I want a rewrite before we go any further."
 "Shhhhh!" Ms Scarlet tried again.  "It's me now!"
 "You're ruining the play.  You're ruining the whole play!"  I finally burst out.
 "Well, you should have written a better ending, then" The Very Mistress huffed, folding both pairs of arms and sticking her beak in the air.
 "I didn't write this!"
 "Look" Ms Scarlet plopped herself down in a chair and pleaded with The Very Mistress, "can you just get back in the gincuzzi so I can do my line?"
 "No.  I don't even like gin!"
 Someone burped loudly.  All eyes went to Mitzi, who shrugged a little too nonchalantly and then pointedly glared at Carmen who, once again, was oblivious to everything as she rearranged the questionable objects on her tray.
 "Can we just get through this so we can all go home?" I said.
 Finding an opportunity, Ms Scarlet grabbed Broom from the umbrella stand near the balcony doors and jumped back into character.  "Oh!" she cried.  "We have the broom.  We can go home!"
 Almost everyone continued arguing and ignored her except an increasingly confused Dinah.  "What?  Is it me now?"
 "Yes!" a rather vexed Ms Scarlet confirmed.
 "Oh.  Um...  Line?"  Dinah looked around for help but, unfortunately, only made eye contact with Hound who had just finished sliding across the rug on his bum.  He didn't even have the decency to look guilty.
 "Something about the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts, I think, bab?" he said, leaping up onto one of my green, jumbo-cord, tube frame chairs.
 "Oh, yes!"  Dinah gestured at Ms Scarlet's Freakin' Green Elf Short clad derrière with her wand.  "You've always been able to go home" she said, then raised her voice to be heard properly over the others.  "You just need to hold the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition and the 'Shorts will propel you home so you can send them off to their new recipient."  
 "For real?  I don't remember that being in the script.  Why didn't you say so in the first place?!?" Ms Scarlet stamped her foot.
 "I'd been at the wine..." Dinah admitted.  "I had no idea what was going on."
 The Very Mistress took advantage of Ms Scarlet's stunned silence and announced "I'm sick to death of this amateur state of affairs.  I need a lie down.  Where can I get my pillows fluffed around here, IVD?"
 "Look at the moon!" Mago suddenly exclaimed in the miraculous lull in the conversation heated debate full-on argument, and pointed out of the balcony doors.
 Eleven heads snapped around and followed Mago's outstretched arm.  Rising quickly above a copse of trees, was a large, silvery, illuminated heavenly sphere.  With a sturdy wicker basket hanging beneath it.
 A figure stood in the basket, waving to them.  It was the I. T. Wizard of Oz!
 "I couldn't wait for you all to come back" he shouted.  "The wind changed, so it was my time to leave.  Goodbye!"
 The stunned Blogorati, with hands to mouths and moistening eyes, waved back.  "Goodbye!" they called.  "Goodbye!"
 "Goodbye!  Goodbye!LẌ waved from his hot air balloon as he floated away.

The End


(in order of appearance)

Norma  ~  Norma-D2
mrpeenee  ~  C3-Peenee
Alpo Jones  ~  The Wicked Witch of the East
The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts  ~  Themselves
Inexplicable DeVice  ~  The Wicked Witch of the West
Miss Smuggersham, AKA T-Bird  ~  The Magic Mirror
A Big Bang pants-clad crotch  ~  Tim's crotch
Ms Scarlet  ~  Dorothy Gale
Sidney  ~  Toto
Savvy  ~  Oompa Loompa #1
Cookie  ~  Oompa Loompa #2
Rimpy Rimpington  ~  Oompa Loompa coroner
Dinahmow  ~  Glinda the Good Witch
Beast  ~  The Cowardly Codswallop
Mago  ~  The Tin Foil Hatted Man
The Very Mistress  ~  The Scarecrone
Bab's Cab  ~  FAB 1
Carmen  ~  Parker
Mitzi  ~ Lady Penelope
Jon  ~  Nikko, the flying monkey
Mistress Maddie  ~  Chistery, the flying monkey
Hound  ~  The Guardian of the Gates
Mogwash  ~  The Viridian Village
LẌ as the I. T. Wizard of Oz

Oh, hang on, there's some more...

Vworp  Vworp  Vworp

 The Great Glass Elevator materialised on the now empty balcony.
 "Beep boop" said Norma-D2 as she scanned the bathroom with her probulator.
 "Where have they all gone?" replied a mystified C3-Peenee.
 "Beep boop!"
 "Well, really!"

Right.  That's really it now.  Until next time, of course...


Oh.  And the whole sorry story can be found, in sequence, below:

Part I : It's just a jump to the left...
Part II : The Emerald Elf Shorts
Part III : The Pink Carriage of No Horse Drawn
Part IV : Feather Brained
Part V : Visiting the Viridian Village
Part VI : The I. T. Wizard of Oz (i.e. this very post)


  1. Positively Chaucerian, my dear. Well done! [in particular for that lump-in-the-throat moment for Mr LX].


    PS flying-bloody-monkey indeed! In the next panto, I expect a better role - Widow Twankey would do.

    1. I really need my opera glasses. I read that as Window Wanker.

      Whatever works.

    2. Jon, you and Maddie did originally have bigger parts, but it seems someone got too scissor happy in the editing suite and now the floor is littered with cut film.

      I'll see what I can do about Widow Twankey, but I'm not expecting Biggins to relinquish the role easily...

  2. Now I know this has to be fiction. Because we all KNOW I would have been in the ginuzzi with you all along.

    And cheers to dear LX.

    1. Who knows what happened after LẌ floated off? The gincuzzi could have hosted a free-for-all!

  3. Awww...
    I will come back when I have finished my box of tissues.

    P.S Best panto ever.

    1. It's somewhat out of season, but I didn't want to leave it too long before publishing our adventures over the Cusp.
      I'm glad you liked it, and hope your agent will consent to having you back for the next one? Although, you might have to have it out with Jon over the starring role...

    2. EXCUSE ME???? Fight over the starring role??? Are you insane??? I am a natural leading lady.... see how the light follows me wherever I skip... see how the camera loves my glowing complexion. Fight over the leading role?! Oh you are awful, Mr DeMille.

    3. "To be a star is to own the world and all the people in it. After a taste of stardom, everything else is poverty." - Hedy Lamarr, aka Jon.


    4. Oh, I'm terribly sorry - I petered off without finishing the sentence. It should have been: "you might have to have it out with Jon over the starring roles" because there will be two, you see. One each.
      Now, whatever is the dratted play? 'Whatever happened to...' someone or other. I can't remember...

  4. Oh dear...Not "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" as a panto!

    Oh, I almost forgot my good manners...thank you for making me a good witch, which is good.I hope I didn't have any other lines as I was so confused the script became a blur.And then my eyes leaked at the sad end.

    1. That's the one! No. Wait. It's the French and Saunders version: "Whatever Happened to Baby Dawn?" Although, there aren't enough characters for all of us to have a part, and I don't know if I can get enough bottles of Orangina, and Cadbury's Curly Wurlies in time!

      You performed your lines with aplomb! And I wouldn't look too closely at the script as you may fall into a plot hole...

  5. I've just cum again.
    I looove Baby Jane, it's so reminiscent of many family gatherings...

    1. P.S. Who from your family serves the best parakeet?

  6. "nubile, young flying monkey houseboy". Yes, please. Sign me up for a six pack of them.

    1. They're rather good at getting rid of spider webs from the ceilings amongst other, more energetic pursuits...
      I'll put the order in now, so you should receive them in 3-5 working days.


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?