Sunday, 8 September 2019

Feather Brained


 Goading each other on, and sniggering over smutty innuendos, two flying monkeys swooped down towards a fast-moving, pink car...

~o~

A little while later back at Castle DeVice...

 "What in the Christing Hells is this?!"
 Before me, my highest ranking flying monkeys, Head Gardener Nikko Jon, and Head Fancier Chistery Maddie, presented a radio-controlled, miniature FAB 1, complete with little puppet passengers inside.
 "You don't want it?"
 "Is this not what you asked for?"
 One of them sniggered amongst a ruffling of feathers.
 "Look at it!" I screeched.  "They're bloody puppets!"
 "Marionettes, actually" Jon said.
 "Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh!"
 "This is what you showed us in the crystal ball, Tootes" said Maddie.
 "Yes.  It's not our fault you hadn't put your reading glasses on."
 "You showed us a small, radio-controlled car.  How were we supposed to know you wanted the real thing?"
 Someone sniggered again, this time without bothering to mask it with a wing shake.
 "Christ!  Would you give me just a small break?  Why in all Hells would I want you to fetch me a toy car?" I hissed while pinching the bridge of my nose, which - to be fair - was bereft of reading glasses.  "You wouldn't be like this to The Very Mistress, would you?"
 The two flying monkeys gave each other smirking 'looks'.
 "I might" said Jon
 "Yeah, me too" Maddie agreed.
 "Really?" I countered, a plan forming.  I affected my best stern Very Mistress pose and pulled out my crystal ball complete with a fully formed image of The Very Mistress herself.  Without make-up!
 "Aaiieeee!!!"
 "Eeeeeeeeeeek!!!"
 They both screamed like Ned Flanders and flew away in a flurry of feathers.
 "How does she do it?"  I muttered, willing my blood pressure to drop. "How does the Very Mistress put up with such nincompoopery?  I need a gin.
 "Or twelve."
~o~

 Speeding down the Yellow Brick Road at velocities not previously seen in Oz, the occupants of the full-size FAB 1 filled its spacious cabin with laughter and the occasional bark.
 "See?" Ms Scarlet almost crowed.  "I told you.  One doesn't get a place in the Coven unless one is a witch of some repute."  Then she glanced at Beast and wondered how he had managed to get in, before allowing a small shudder of horror to pass through her body.
 "That'll teach the ssskinny little upssstart" the Very Mistress gloated, throwing her head back as she cackled.  A hideous screech like an amplified fingernail-scrape-down-a-blackboard filled FAB 1's cabin as her bony old crest scraped against the domed glass.
 "'ere!" Mitzi started before she remembered herself and switched to Received Pronunciation.  "I mean, do watch the bodywork.".
 "Ssssorry" the Very Mistress grinned, drooling a distressingly viscous liquid into the luxuriously carpetted footwell.
 "And the carpet!"
 Ms Scarlet drew her feet up and pulled a face.  "Does anyone have a wet-wipe?  And some Febreze?"
 "Woof!"

 FAB 1 pulled up outside the gates of the Viridian Village in an impressive spray of small stones as - having had the brakes applied rather too late - its six wide tyres flung gravel in a wide arc.  Mago and Beast got out first, with the latter falling to his knees and kissing the ground.
 "Oh, thank gods we're here!" he exclaimed.  "We made it in one piece."
 "Ja" Mago agreed, his knuckles still white from gripping the grab handles.  "Also, we might as well have saved our nerves and just joined the story here, as I haven't had a line in six pages!"
 "At least you're getting them", Beast moaned.  "I had a whole story to myself once and didn't get to utter a single word!"
 "Hmm?" Mago asked, having not really paid attention.
 "Nothing..." Beast sighed.
 "What are you ninniesss going on about?" the Very Mistress said as she - surprisingly gracefully, and without showing even a hint of snatch - manoeuvred herself out of the car.
 "Oh, don't bother about them" Ms Scarlet trilled as she got out the other side and headed towards the gates.  Sid scurried around at her feet, in what looked like an effort to trip her up... 

 A little door popped open in the gates at about head-height as Ms Scarlet and her party approached.  A vaguely canine male face appeared, watching them intently.  It didn't say anything, but upon spying the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts, it began moving very slightly back and forth in a definite rhythm.
 "Um" began Mago.  "Can we come in, bitte?"
 The face flicked its gaze, briefly, over Mago's tin foil hat, then returned its attention to Ms Scarlet's FGES clad nether regions.
 "Perhapsss you should talk to it?" the Very Mistress said poking Ms Scarlet with a wizened crone-fninger.  "It sssseemsss to like you."
 Ms Scarlet shrugged and pranced up to the gate, the tiny bells on the FGES jingling.  The face seemed to light up - a faint smile appeared and the eyes widened somewhat.  But rather more noticeably, the rocking intensified.
 "Can we come in?  Please?"
 "Woof!" said Sid.
 The face moved back slightly and a hand emerged from the little door.  The index finger extended then beckoned Ms Scarlet closer.  Hesitantly, she stepped forward.
 "Can I touch your velvety shorts?" the face said with a trace of Brummie accent.  Ms Scarlet turned to the others with a look of alarm on her face.
 "Go on!"  Beast urged with a grin.  He could see where this was going.  Mago and the Very Mistress shooed Ms Scarlet on, too.  If they knew, they weren't showing it.
 Ms Scarlet stepped up to the gate.  The hand shot out and fingered the green velour and the irritating, dangling bells, the rocking now quite violent and interspersed with low grunts.
 "How long must I-" Ms Scarlet began, but was cut off by a sudden "Unnf!" from the face, and then all movement ceased.  Beast looked to be beside himself in mirth.
 "Uh.  Oh, that's the stuff" the face said, seemingly to itself.  Then, looking out at the small group, it appeared to draw itself up and a look of imperiousness settled in.  "I am the Guard Dog of the Gates!  What do you want?"


To be continued...


20 comments:

  1. Oh my god! Am I dead??!! Has the Brummie creature decapitated me? This is awful? Surely I wouldn't have fallen for such a ruse??? Are you posting again within the next 30 minutes?
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, no more posts for at least another four days as I've caught up with the story now.
      And, I'm sorry to say (although I see you've already realised) that you have suffered a fate worse than death!

      Delete
  2. Oh no - it's Hound doing disgusting things.... I am going to have to go and shower now, and I will probably have nightmares tonight.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am terribly sorry about Hound's actions towwards you. I'd have to have a shower if someone had talked to me in a Brummie accent, too!

      Delete
  3. Oh, thanks. Now I know my role in life - a bleeding flying monkey! It could have been worse, I suppose - I might have been the Shaggy Man! Thinking about it in the British vernacular, however, that title is probably Maddie's... Jx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What do you mean, "probably"?!?

      If it's any consolation, as Flying Monkeys go, you're hardly obedient and assert your own will rather too regularly. Plus, you're head of the entire castle gardens!

      Although, as the Shaggy Man, you'd've been a love magnet...

      Delete
  4. I can't believe what happened to me!!! How. Why? Why would you do that to me???
    *Wanders off in search of a good dry cleaners and a therapist* I shall forward the bill to Mr Devine.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All is not as it may seem, Ms Scarlet. Remember, Hound was on the other side of the gate so, apart from his 'Shorts fondling fingers, everything on his side of the gate stays on his side of the gate.
      Plus, the linked-to comment is a bit of a red herring...

      Delete
  5. You see how the shock set in some hours later???? Scarred for life.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the House of Infomaniac has counselling/therapy sessions?

      Delete
    2. Febreze not included.

      Delete
  6. Oh buggrit, I've just cum, bab.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Somebody get this man a Wet Wipe.

      Delete
    2. I hope there're some left after the drooling incident in the back of FAB 1?

      Delete
  7. Oh...what... Blogger has gone completely insane. 'Your comment was published' But where? where was my comment published? Never mind, it wasn't a particularly good comment.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have checked both my published and spam comment folders, but the errant comment has vanished without a trace. Much like "Please can you make it wear big pants. And a knitting pattern would be nice" did...

      Delete
  8. Oh... that one published! I came here for the new blogpost, but it isn't here anymore. You are such a tease, Mr Devine.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh. Yes. The new post. Well, I was working on it, but accidently hit "publish" rather than "save". Needless to say, it is still not ready to be published. Nowhere near, unfortunately. Sorry.
      I might have it ready at some point tomorrow...

      Delete
  9. As long as there was a flurry of feathers.......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, oodles of them! There was so much feather flurrying that we thought you'd dragged up for a show!

      Delete

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