Continued from... Feather Brained
"I can't believe what happened to me!!!" Ms Scarlet shrieked after her treatment at the gate. "How. Why? Why would you do that to me??? I am going to have to go and shower now, and I will probably have nightmares tonight."
"Woof!" said Sid.
"What?" said a rather confused looking Hound.
"I need a good dry cleaner's and a therapist after being subject to your disgusting... thing!"
"What are you talking about, bab? It's not disgusting. It might be breaking the laws of nature, but it's not disgusting. It's perfectly unnatural." Fearing an international incident at the amount of huffing and foot-stamping going on, Hound opened the gates to the Viridian Village to let the strange party in.
"Oh, I don't want to see" Ms Scarlet pouted. Beast poked his head around the gate, his smirk at Ms Scarlet's earlier treatment disappeared.
"Oh" he said. "Well, that's unexpected."
Mago was next to go through. "Ja" he agreed, and beckoned Ms Scarlet and The Very Mistress through.
"What's this?" Ms Scarlet asked as Sid raised his hackles and growled. "What is all this stuff?"
"If you must know" Hound began, trying to ignore the vibrating, growling Sid, "I have constructed a full-body, tin foil, tik-tok armour, but it needs electricity to power some of the components. Electricity which can be harvested from the static shocks created by fondling those enchanted, emerald, polyester elf shorts you're wearing!"
Ms Scarlet managed to look both confused and relieved. "Well" she said, eventually. "I suppose that's all right, then. Carry on."
"Now you've all had a good gawp at my little fetish, I shall repeat my original question: What do you want!?"
|Excerpt from Ms Scarlet in the|
Pantry with the Can-Opener
Beast and Mago just looked at her while The Very Mistress rolled her eyes.
"Well" Ms Scarlet finally announced, "I want to see the I.T. Wizard to see if he can fix my wi-fi and satnav so I can find a way home."
"And the rest of you?" Hound demanded, then pointed at Beast. "You! Cowardly Codswallop - you next!"
"Um... I... Well, I want to, um... I want to be able to stand up to the tyrannical Mr C. Oh, and to never have to take part in one of these belittling forays over the Cusp again."
"I want more lines" said Mago. "Und to be able to take off this Scheissen tin foil hat! Mine Kopf is extremely hot!"
The Very Mistress looked Hound squarely in the eyes and hissed "I have no weaknessss or foiblesss that need fixssing, and if I did, I ssscertainly wouldn't tell you! However, I will allow you to take ussss all to sssee thissss wizard, anyway."
"Yes, Very Mistress" Hound found himself obeying.
"Are you coming, Mitzi?" The Very Mistress asked, having poked her head around the gate and startled the Lady Penelope lookalike into straightening from her slouch against FAB 1's bonnet (hood, remember?) and causing her cigarette to fall from her lips.
"Thank you, no" Mitzi recovered surprisingly quickly, two plums and a silver spoon tumbling from her mouth as she spoke. "Carmen will ruin the leather if I leave her locked up in FAB 1, so I'll have her drive me around the block a few times while we wait for you."
"Very well" The Very Mistress said, turning back to the others.
"Come along, Carmen!"
Straining his lead, Hound led the Blogorati through the Viridian Village to the Wizard's palace. They made excellent time, and only stopped once to allow
"I'm not allowed in, you see" he explained. "I once dry-humped one of the Wizard's green velour armchairs, and have been persona non grata ever since."
"Right..." Ms Scarlet said, having second thoughts about the truthfulness of Hound's earlier explanation of the 'Shorts-fondling. She turned to the waiting palace lackey, who looked suspiciously like one of the Oompa Loompas from part two, and even had a smear of orange make-up behind his ear, although he wasn't on his knees now. "Shall we go in?"
The lackey guided them through a series of halls and corridors until they reached an antechamber to the Wizard's reception hall. The Blogorati plopped themselves down into the comfortable chairs scattered around the room, but Beast was shooed out of his almost as soon as he sat down.
"No!" the lackey scolded. "Not you! Not on the furniture! Come with me. The Wizard will see you first to get you out of here."
"Please can you make it wear big pants?" Ms Scarlet shouted after the lackey as Beast was led through a grand pair of doors into the reception hall. "And a knitting pattern would be nice" she added, pulling a ball of wool and a pair of collapsible knitting needles from her bag. "You know, while we wait..."
Through the closing doors, the Blogorati glimpsed a cloud of smoke with an image appearing in its centre. Before they could make out more than what looked like a giant cat's ear, the doors closed.
To be continued...