Thursday, 14 May 2015

Not the Hats of Barbara Cartland II: The Collectors' Edition

 I swore I wouldn't go to another wedding unless it was someone very close to me who was getting married (emotionally and geographically), or it was guaranteed to be a spectacular disaster, destined to have shakey, handheld videos of which to be endlessly repeated on Harry Hill's You've Been Framed, endlessly.
 So, you can imagine my horror when I discovered that I'd soon be attending the wedding of a couple I'd barely heard of which was guaranteed to be thronged with countless people I don't know, and, to top off, wasn't even local!
 How is my attendance to this smug and indulgent social occasion pretty much guaranteed? Because I am the 'plus one' to someone I can't say no to: Thunderfly, a weather warlock I have a small crush on to whom I owed a favour that he had the audacity to call in!

 Anyway, after a lot of whining and foot stamping, I resigned myself to fly half way across the Cusp with Thunderfly to this wearisome wedding on the proviso that he does all the social stuff while I lurk in the background and indulge in copious amounts of gin.

 On the plus side, I get to wear a new hat!

Click to engorge.
Oh, and sincere apologies to the Not The Nine O'Clock News team...

 I just can't decide which one. From the above collection, Fillet de Tampon is taken - it was snapped up by Ms Scarlet, and Pork Scratching is on hold for The Very Mistress MJ
 Then there are these 'inspired by nature' hats which are being prepared for inclusion in the collection:

Koi Carp Ark - One of Dame Barbara's hats from her debutant days (circa five million BC), this now fossilised relic is being lovingly restored by Marjorie Courtenay-Latimer from the ancient millionaire's Ancient Millinery division.

Puffer Fish - Seen here perched jauntily atop Dame Barbara's head in this rare image from the opening of Ascot in August 1711, Puffer Fish's robust construction has ensured its survival to the present day. The internal framework of wingbones from the California Condor almost singlehandedly brought about the extinction of the species. The hat is made buoyant by being inflated with the farts of a million hummingbirds.

Bed Bugs & Broomsticks - A favourite of Dame Barbara's first husband, Alexander McCorquodale (seen here shaking the dandruff off from the last time it was worn). He is noted to have commented that when his wife wears Bed Bugs & Broomsticks, he gets rather hot under the collar! For the curious, the hat is made from a single bed bug plucked from the royal mattress of His Royal Highness, George VI, stuffed with candied peel and glazed with a mix of turpentine and Vimto.

Decisions, decisions...


  1. Now then, Mr Devine, I think you should be sensible, you never know who you might meet at such an occasion. In case you run into Paddy Ashdown, how about this effort?
    Stylish, elegant, versatile.

  2. You raise a good point, Ms Scarlet. Plus, I wouldn't want to upstage the bride. And if I take you up on your hat suggestion, as well as eating it (should the wedding dinner be dry chicken or the like), I can always have someone annoying's eye out at twenty paces!

  3. Fashion and social events? I'm like a Coelacanth out of water there.

    Do have fun, whatever you decide!

  4. PS: I finished reading Hörrörstör last week. Very enjoyable.

  5. Ha ha! I see what you did there, LX!

    Oh, and I meant to ask you how you got on with Hörrörstör (I don't know how to do umlauts, so I just copied-&-pasted yours). It seems Grady Hendrix owes me some commission!

  6. Did someone say copious amounts of gin???? Well, if you have a small crush on him, tell him he has to put out or its a no go. I found out that works. I mean I hear it does.

  7. Ah, Mistress Maddie, I thought a whiff of gin would entice you here. There's bound to be plenty at the wedding, so I'll be sure to bring some back to repay you for your advice. That you heard from someone else, of course.

  8. WOW you’re kinda pissed about being pressured into going. In these occasions I always feel pressure from other people about getting married as everyone else seems to be doing it. Just reinforcing my own pathetic perma-single situation.

    The last one I went to was terrible: the groom was trying to set me up with his single buddies...

    Nevertheless, not all is lot: Gin is the one thing that can make weddings not completely suck. ;)

    (Hello, by the way … ;)

  9. Hi Leni! Thanks for stopping by.
    Yes, weddings are not my favourite of occasions, for the same reason you gave, and because I like being a recluse.
    Should we find ourselves at the same wedding one day, let's hide under a table with a bottle of gin!


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