Thursday, 5 September 2019

The Pink Carriage of No Horse Drawn

Continued from The Emerald Elf Shorts...

 "Oof!  Sorry I'm late", I muttered after I'd reincorporated myself from a cloud of black smoke.  "I had to change the story as it was flailing around in a most unnerving manner.  Right.  We can start now.  I think I've gathered myselves together properly."
 "It's already started!" Dinahmow hissed.
 "Yes.  We couldn't wait for you" Ms Scarlet added as she smoothed down the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts that were clinging rather suggestively to her derrière.  "And your story change wave-front ruined my hair!"
 "It's started?"  I was rather taken aback.  "Without me?"
 "Oh.  Well.  Um..." I looked around trying to orientate myselves, but without much luck.  "So.  Um.  What's going on?  C3-Peenee and Norma-D2 over there in the Great Glass Elevator have thrown me, somewhat."
 "Ohhh...  The Great Glass Elevator!  That's what it is!"  The penny dropped for Ms Scarlet.  "Yes, I'm not sure what to make of them being here either, but it might explain why there's a crowd of Oompa Loompas instead of Munchkins.  Aside from them, this all smacks of The Wizard of Oz.  Especially now you've arrived dressed like that."
 I looked down at my long black dress (with puffy shoulders!) and cloak, and raised a hand to my head where Hat was perched.
 "Oh, dear.  This isn't right.  The Very Mistress should be me, I mean, the Wicked Witch of the West.  She's always the evil one."  I started to panic.  "You haven't seen her have you?  Is she here?"
 "No, not yet.  I... Oh!"  Ms Scarlet stopped as Dinah nudged her.
 "Look who it is" Dinah whispered and pointed with her wand to a trio of approaching 'people'.
 Ms Scarlet squinted at them.  "A tin foil hatted man?  Ah, Mr Mags.  A cowardly codswallop?  Good grief!  It's Mr Beastie!  And a scarecrone?"  She gasped in shock.
 "Yikes!  The Very Mistress!"  I blurted, evaporating into smoke.  "I'm out of here!"

 Just as the last vestiges of black smoke dissipated, a very pink Mazda 626 minicab pulled up at the green, with a blue satin clad something-or-other nodding its head vigorously on the parcel shelf.
 "Ooh, good!" Ms Scarlet exclaimed.  "We can get to the Viridian Village in that."
 "Not without usss, you won't!"
 "Ah, Ms Mistress" Ms Scarlet greeted The Very Mistress and her cronies as they arrived.  "Mr Mags.  Beast."
 Mago opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off with a glare.
 "Where did that ssskinny little witch go?"
 "Ah.  Um..." Ms Scarlet floundered before The Very Mistress's withering gaze.  "He might have said something about having left the oven on?  Or something."
 "I sssee."  Before The Very Mistress could say anything else, the window of the minicab wound down.
 "Is anyone getting in or not?  The meter's running, you know."
 "Mitzi?  Is that you?"
 "None other" Mitzi acknowledged.  "Christ only knows why I'm here, but I am.  So come one.  Get in who's getting in, and bugger the rest of yer."
 "I, um...  I don't think we'll all fit?" Ms Scarlet worried, eyeing Beast's waistline.  "Dinah?  Can you and your wand do anything?"
 "Oh, I suppose so" Dinah sighed.  "You'd probably better step back, as I haven't had much practice..."
 Dinahmow waved her wand in the general direction of Mitzi's minicab, a flurry of pink glitter and dry ice enveloping it.

* glingle  glingle   P O O F *

 In place of Bab's Mitzi's cab was a rather larger and more fabulous car.  FAB 1, to be precise.
 "Ruddy 'eck!  I mean: Come along, Carmen.  Or am I supposed to address you as Parker?"  Mitzi shrugged to herself.  "Fuck knows.  Right, everyone.  Get in."
 "If you don't mind, I won't be joining you" Dinahmow graciously demured, avoiding the bustle of everyone else piling in.  "I've got a deck full of orchids to see to.  And, besides, my frock clashes hideously with your car."
 "Suit yourself, chuck.  Ta ra!"  Mitzi waved as Dinahmow conjured up a large bubble which carried her off to Christ only knew where.  Turning in her seat, she asked "Where to?"
 "Follow the Yellow Brick Road!" cried Ms Scarlet.


Some time later...

 "Stop the cab!" cried Ms Scarlet.
 Mitzi stamped on the brakes with both feet, causing various degrees of whiplash and unsettling Carmen who, from her vantage point on the parcel shelf, had been trying to sort out the things on her tray.  Which, along with Carmen, were now all rolling around in the front passenger footwell...
 "Cab?" Mitzi almost snarled as she turned around in her seat.  Beast flinched involuntarily.
 "Oh... I meant 'car', obviously.  Umm..." Ms Scarlet mumbled.
 "I should think you did" Mitzi allowed through gritted teeth.  "I mean, I wouldn't mind so much if it were Carmen driving and we were still in that ratty old 626."
 "Heh, heh.  No.  Quite."
 "Well?  What the frig have we stopped for?"
 "Oh.  Yes" and Ms Scarlet pointed out of FAB 1's domed glass roof.  "Look.  Poppies!"
 "Poppies?"  Mitzi was not amused.  "You do realise where we are and, therefore, the significance of a field full of ruddy poppies, don't you?"
 "Of course I do!"  Ms Scarlet was indignant.  "I've starred in dozens of these things.  I know how the story lines work.  Just how many have you featured in, hmm?"
 Mitzi scowled and remained silent while Carmen, oblivious to it all, picked up the last item and put it back on her tray with a satisfied, if somewhat vacant, smile.
 "I thought so."
 "We haven't got time for whatever you two are bickering about" the Very Mistress huffed as Carmen clambered over her and back onto the parcel shelf.  "Floor it!"
 Mitzi stamped on the acceleratrix and FAB 1 surged forward, pinning both her and her passengers to their seats, and Carmen to the rear window.


 "Drat!"  I cursed.  "They didn't stop for the poppies.  Now I'll have to come up with part three sooner than I expected..."

To be continued...


  1. Lordy. You've turned Mitzi into "Babs Cabs". Jx

    1. I did no such thing! Mitzi turned up like that from whatever the story was going to be before my meddling.

      Although... I might have had something to do with it, as I was watching The League of Gentlemen beforehand...

  2. Jon is going to save the day, isn't he? I've been in enough of these things to know that!

    1. I hope so, Ms Scarlet. And if not, Jon, then someone in this farce had better do some saving, as the storyline's nebulousity is no longer within my grasp!

  3. I can forgive the Babs Cabs but I cannot forgive you for making me sound Northern and common to boot 'chuck, Ta-ra' I speak with a RP accent (self taught) after all, I am a lady... and shit.

    1. I'm sorry, I have no idea where the accent came from? I think it might have been left laying around from the last time Tazzy was here? As you may have noticed, the budget for these things is severely lacking, so we have to make do with what we've got. We were lucking to get you FAB 1 to drive around in - at the expense of the costume budget, I might add. Which you'll notice when Jon and Maddie turn up in the next bit...

      Until then, as you are a lady, I'm sure we can find some ladies things that you can do to take your mind off this debacle. Because you are a lady, of course!

  4. You'd better never make me northern!
    Hold on, you mean you've been to Primark?

    1. Well, I walked past one once...

      And don't worry, Mitzi's was the only Northern accent I had left.

  5. Replies
    1. Oh, good! I hope you didn't get too hot in that green wig, and that your knees aren't hurting any more?

  6. I was rather hoping my bubble would take me up to Sheffield. I'd like to have a crack at "turning" that lovely gardener.
    sigh....I need more practice with my stick...

    1. Crikey! That's certainly some image you've planted with your stick and the lovely (now married - last Saturday) Rob! (Have you seen his Instagram? That's nt a euphemism)

    2. I looked at his Instagram via that link and there were no bridal images. O fizzlesticksandbojos! I've missed my chance! And now I'm stuck in bleedin' Sheffield. Good thing I have some bloggy buddies up there!

    3. I want to see what his husband looks like. He'd better be very bloody handsome, just like Rob.
      They had a nice cake, though!

  7. Hang on! These poppies...are they the legal crop in Tasmania? If so, you could all stop off at mine for tea and crumpet on the way.

    1. I'm sorry, no. We couldn't afford to go location shooting in Tasmania, so had to make do with a field down the road here. However, if you could conure a bubble big enough, we'd love to use it to come and see you!

    2. Doing my best, but there's an awful lot of smoke interference south of me so it could take a while...

  8. Replies
    1. At the clambering Carmen, or being the Scarecrone...?


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