Sunday, 1 June 2008

Come Hell or highwater

Whilst out pottering around in the garden earlier, the demons Grnnthargl and Izzkt walked by. Well, when I say walked, I mean Grnnthargl made an effort at bipedal locomotion, only using his wings to balance himself occasionally, whereas Izzkt just buzzed in and out of existance keeping up. I find it most disconcerting seeing Izzkt in motion - it reminds me of the static from an untuned TV channel. Then there's the smell...

I looked up from my weeding when I heard the buzzing, but was too late to avert my gaze and prevent eye contact*, once I realised who they were. I thought I'd doomed myself to an interminably long and boring conversation with the two infamously dull demons, however, Grnnthargl almost immediately said he couldn't stop and chat. I was rejoicing inside, but couldn't help wondering why he was so uncharacteristically keen to move on. As three of his eyes were focused elsewhere, I followed their gaze, spying Beaky in the cherry tree, glaring down at us malevolently. Ah, so Beaky has a use after all. Even demons were terrified of him!

Anyway, according to Grnnthargl, it seems that the charge for opening Hell Portals is to increase significantly in the near future. So much so, in fact, that I may have to resort to more efficient but less convenient methods of transport to Hell. One of which is to go down the old 'Death' route again, but it would mean leaving my physical body here while I visit, and the reanimation process afterwards does take a while. I know I'm already a little bit dead, but that just won't cut it anymore.

I don't suppose anyone else has any sure-fire ways of getting to Hell?

* Of course, I could only make contact with two of Grnnthargl's five eyes.


  1. Anonymous1/6/08 18:31

    Yay! First!

    Sure-fire way of getting to hell?

    Just keep on the path you are already following, dear. Sure enough, you'll arrive there no trouble at all.

    Mind and hold the door open for us too.

    As it's almost guaranteed that MJ will be there well before the rest of us, perhaps she'd be kind enough to hold it open for all of us.

    Probably the first useful thing she'll ever have done.

  2. I … don't know what to say…

  3. P&T: Oh, I'm quite sure there's a special place reserved for you two in Hell. I have the plot next door, I think. I hope MJ's not too near, though.

    Tim: Well, I've got some ideas of things you could do, or have done to you, to allow you to join us?

  4. I'm not sure I want to know.

  5. No, wait - I'm absolutely certain I don't want to know!

  6. I've been instructed to prepare the initiation rites for you and P&T.

    See you in hell!

  7. Criticise a kitten, that'll do it.

  8. It's bad enough the price of gasoline is hiking up, now the price of entering Hell portals is gonna cost more too? Sheesh. Inflation stinks.

  9. There's a permanent place at the Haversham banquet table for you. The only problem is, you'll have to sit in between JFK and Rock Hudson.

    Just redeem your banquet invitation - it should be good for the next eternity.

  10. According to Reaper, find the nearest home improvement store. I'm sure you'll have no trouble recognizing the slackers/reapers that work there (the Devil!).

  11. Anonymous1/6/08 23:25

    Oh how could I have forgotten bingowings?

    MJ may have to hold the door open just a wee bit longer.

  12. Oh, now it would be very rude of me not to hold the door open for MJ. Though, I can't stay too long for the party...especially since I'm going to be reincarnated and all...assuming, of course, Heaven doesn't want me to be a peeping Tom, I mean, Guardian Angel...

    Oh, by the way, IDV, try the DMV; they usually have a direct portal to Hell...

  13. Can't you just wait your turn?

    We are all going to hell at one point. (some earlier than others)

    Can't you just use a Babylon Candle?

  14. Tim: OK, if you don't want to know, just close your eyes and don't look down...

    MJ: Will you produce a pamphlet, too?

    WillowC: I like the sound of that.

    "Spike II, you're a pathetic excuse for a feline! Your puny teeth and claws didn't even draw blood!"

    Tara: It's a good job the government doesn't know about Hell Portals otherwise they'd be taxed, too.

    T-Bird: Rock Hudson I can cope with. I'll have to hope one of the other guests can keep JFK amused.

    Eros: Fabulous idea! I'm off to Homebase now! Well, in a bit - I'd better finish these replies, first.

    P&T: Ooh, yes! I think we'll be in the very lowest levels once ErosWings arrives!

    Eros: The DMV? With Patty & Selma on the door? Ick!

    CyberPetra: I'm just impatient, that's all. I've got errands to run.
    I tried a Babylon Candle once but the wind ruined my hair.

  15. That's true, it does.

    You could put on a hat and fasten it with hat pins. Or better yet, a scarf.

    I'm sure the Audrey Hepburn look with the large black sunglasses would go over quite fabulously in Hell.

  16. Anonymous2/6/08 16:15

    Get the tube/bus/bicycle to Leicester Square and listen for the sound of demons scoffing boredom. I can lend you my electronic pass if you want. Dress appropriately, it is HOT in here!

  17. CyberPetra: What a fabulous idea! If I'm lucky, I might end up looking like Chuck from Pushing Daisies and have Ned The Pie Man beating down my door!

    W*P*D: Well, public transport is a no-no. And cycling 150 miles or so doesn't sound that enticing. However, I could drop in on Broom?

    * rifles around for floaty little number and huge dark glasses *

  18. Anonymous3/6/08 09:54

    Public transport is the portal to hell, but a broom is far more fashionable. The 150 miles of cycling sounds a little but like hell too... But brooms rock!


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