Monday, November 05, 2007

Hallowe'en V: Midnight


CyberPete and I joined the others on the veranda. It was cool out in the night air. There were no clouds in the sky, so the stars were clearly visible, harshly glittering like broken glass. Their constellations were unfamiliar to us. Not that we were taking much notice as Piggy had our full attention. Again.
He was still whining about wanting to leave and was stamping his trotters in petulance. Tazzy had just opened his mouth, in what we hoped was going to be a telling off, but was interrupted by-

KERRASSHHH!

We spun around in time to see two figures fall through one of the large floor-to-ceiling windows that encircled the grand ballroom. They collapsed into the rose beds, showered with shards of glass. A few moments later, the rose bushes shook and expletives could be heard.

"Feck!"

"May you be struck - hic - down, you vile sinner, eh?"

Oh. It was only SID and MJ, pissed as farts. As usual. They rose, covered in greenery and compost, laced with small cuts and scratches - Though whether the injuries were from the fall, or from their bitch fighting, we didn't know. Or particularly care.
They teetered over to us, holding on to each other for what looked like dear life. MJ's bouffant had half collapsed with a rose bush poking out of it. SID was clutching an almost empty Jameson's bottle, swinging it around wildly.
As they were almost upon us, MJ faltered slightly, a confused half smile on her face. There was a squeaking noise, not unlike Nanette Newman checking the cleanliness of washing up by running her finger across a wet plate. She frowned slightly, cocked her head then looked relieved as a muffled crash emanated from under her skirts. As SID helped her forward, the remains of another Jameson's bottle could be seen coming into view as her hemline cleared it. Eww.
Before anyone could react with anymore than the horrified looks we had already slapped on, a dozen burly guards appeared from behind us. The captain cleared his throat, as the others surrounded us.

"You are all under arrest" he intoned.

"What?! What the fook for?" Tazzy demanded, somewhat threateningly.

"The charges are, amongst other things, for: Breaking and entering, failing to stop after squashing a minor deity, three counts of murder, impersonating VIPs, theft, witchcraft, driving a horseless carriage without due care and attention" The captain of the guard paused as he surveyed the broken window, "and willful destruction of private property" he added.
We all looked at each other, not knowing what to say or do until someone shouted:

"Run!"

I waved the wand at the guards in a panic. One of them exploded, showering the others with, strangely, cotton wool. Rather ominously, the palace clock started to chime midnight.

BONG!

"Quick! On the coach!" Frobi yelled, pointing to a nearby ornate coach.

BONG!

We dashed for the coach, leaving the stunned guards picking bits of cotton wool out of their helmets. The driver, who'd been watching, stood up muttering "Oh no you don't" as he picked up the reins. Rather thoughtlessly, I threw the only thing I had to hand at him: The wand. Not being an amazingly good shot, especially while running, the wand hit the guard rail instead of the driver. Luckily, it ricocheted off and clonked him in the forehead where it discharged on impact.

Ka-Zam!

"Ow, my head" moaned Convict.

BONG!

Shit!

BONG!

We all piled onto the coach as Convict rubbed his forehead, looking dazed and confused. MJ, having sobered up slightly - must've been the fresh air and running - scrambled into the front with him.

BONG!

"Hi Connie. Gimme those" and she snatched the reins from him, her eyes lingering a little too long on his nadular region from where she'd grabbed them. The reins, not his 'nads. "Shit. Tatas was right" she gasped. Convict just smiled enigmatically. "Everyone on board?" she called out, just as CyberPete was being manhandled into the coach by Tazzy and Piggy.

BONG!

"My shoe!" he moaned as he caught sight of the bloodied glass stiletto laying in the gravel, halfway between the coach and the rapidly approaching guards.

BONG!

"Never mind your shoe" I said. "It's how the story is supposed to go." Tazzy gave me a funny look. "OK" I relented, rolling my eyes. "Maybe not with us in it."

BONG!

"Oh, I dunno" Tazzy said, nudging me and indicating to where CyberPete had been dumped. He was slumped over SID's semi-conscious form in the corner. "Cinderella sleeping with the Prince?" Tazzy winked mischieviously and moved CyberCinder's unresisting hand so it slid down SID's arse crack. "All aboard!" He shouted, banging on the ceiling.

BONG!

"Yah!" MJ yelled at the horses as she expertly cracked the reins. They took off instantly, gravel scattered under their hooves and flew up from beneath the wheels, pebbledashing the guards.

BONG!

We galloped into the night to the sound of bells chiming midnight, probably pursued by all the King's horses and all the King's men.

BONG!

BONG!

glingle glingle Poof!



The end.

18 comments:

  1. Bravo!

    Now then...How about a fairy tale about the long necked goose that laid Golden Jameson Bottles?

    Oh hold on...you've included that one.

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  2. Very well done.

    I can't believe I read it all.

    Thank fuck it's over.

    Extremely entertaining though. A first class prize pig's trotter to you.

    And Tazzy loves the way you've captured a wee bit of him exactly - the 'fook' bit. Spot on!

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  3. Thank you SID. Ah, yes: The Golden Goose.

    Or should that be: The Brassy Goose?

    And thank you Piggy & Tazzy, too. Your podcasts were a valuable source of research for the 'fook's.

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  4. 'Bong' being the operative word. What *have* you been smoking?

    ReplyDelete
  5. BRAVO!!!

    *waves petticoats over head in appreciation*

    But I want more! MORE I TELL YOU!!!

    You've left us dangling. What happened to CyberCinders' arm? Last we saw it had disappeared up SID's gaping arse crack never to be seen again.

    We need closure!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tim: Haddock, mainly...

    MJ: Isn't it obvious? The rest of poor CyberCinders disappeared up there too!
    Well, have you seen or heard from him lately?

    ReplyDelete
  7. We want more bedtime stories!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Snooze: * curtsies *

    MJ: Now we've been there once, it'll be easier to get back. Whether we want to or not!

    I'm sure there'll be more...

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  9. You can't end there. It's a swizz.

    I got a bit part.

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  10. Your part got a bit, too!

    Perhaps I should've thrown the wand earlier on?

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  11. Yaaaaaay! That was awesome!

    I'm a little bit sad that it is over, actually.

    Is there perhaps another chapter up your, erm, nadular region?

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  12. You shot your bolt now?

    ReplyDelete
  13. T-Bird: Why, thank you!

    We'll see what happens on my way back from London...

    Connie: Well and truly.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Great job! Truly entertaining...will there be sequel? or perhaps a movie in the making?

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  15. BRAVO IDV!

    That was hilarious, except my hand up SIDs arse - we all know that's never going to happen

    More realistic would have been me in the corner being shagged by some uptight waiter guy

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  16. BingoWings: Naturally, I have been approached by all the big film studios, but I don't want to rush into anything too soon.

    That Rowling woman had better watch her back though!

    CyberPoo: You're alive!

    Well, for the sake of the story, I did leave out the obvious bits that people would take for granted. Although, now I come to think of it, there were two waiters weren't there?

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  17. And that guy in the coat closet

    it's not fair leaving out stuff that's essential to the plot and my character

    ReplyDelete