Friday, 2 November 2007

Hallowe'en II: The gilded invitation

MJ descended the curving staircase to find not only Piggy, but Tazzy, CyberPete and IVD squabbling in the hall.

"There's enough for all of us-"

"But I don't know if it's such a good ide-"

"What shall I wear-"

"You can't wear that tank top, it's-"

"We'll have to-"

"Look, it's two against two. We'll hav-"

"Can we decide quickly, my feet hur-"

None of them had noticed her. Good. As she quietly crept down the remaining stairs, MJ's nostrils were assailed by the lingering vestiges of Piggy's fart. She silently gagged, swallowed and then shouted "What are you poofs arguing about?!"

Four heads suddenly snapped around, jaws dropped in surprise. Piggy was first to break the silence.

"Oh, it's only that Canuck Cunt, MJ" he stated, but with a smile. Tazzy grinned and I managed A Gay Wave™.

"Ooh, MJ! MJ!" CyberPete waved a handful of tickets in the air. "We're going to a ball and I'm going to shag the handsome prince and we'll live happily ever after but I'll need him to do something about the lack of electricity and these stone floors are too cold but-"

"Shut it, CyberCinders" I hissed, elbowing him in the ribs. CyberPete scowled and wrapped his curtain-cloak more tightly around himself.

"CyberCinders?" MJ asked with a puzzled look. Then realisation dawned. "Ah, so that must have been the wicked stepmother who I pushed down the lav, eh?" She looked around the hall. "So, where're the ugly sisters, then?"

"Piggy asphyxiated them with one of 'is killer farts" Tazzy answered glancing down at his Cute Wee Piggy who was looking very pleased with himself.

"I see" said MJ. "So we've taken the places of the characters from Cinderella?" Then she fixed her gaze on me. "And how did this happen?"

"How the Hell should I know?!"

"Well, you're our resident witch." Then she clocked the wand I'd retrieved from the crash site, "Or should I say Fairy Godmother?"

"Fairy's about right" Piggy whispered in Tazzy's ear, and they both sniggered to themselves.

"Quiet, you two!" I snapped, before turning back to MJ. "Look, I'm as much in the dark as everyone else. I was flying back from Indescribable's when I collided with a swan in some clouds. Broom lost power after some of it's bristles were knocked out, and I crash landed here, accidently squashing the real fairy godmother." MJ didn't look convinced, but she didn't say anything else about it.

Turning to CyberPete, she snatched the tickets from his grasp, and declared "Right. Let's go to this ball, then. But we can't go dressed in our own clothes as we'd stick out a mile, as I've already discovered. We'll have to wear whatever's a la mode here. Everyone get rifling through wardrobes!"

A little while later...

"Bwah hah hah ha! Look at the ugly sisters!"

"What do you look like?"

"They look like Brenda and Audrey from the Bounty adverts!"
Tazzy and Piggy, resplendant in bile and puce coloured frocks, stood sulking before us.
"These were the only things that fit!" Piggy whined.

"Bwah hah hah hah ha ha!"
"Well, you lot don't look that much better" Tazzy pointed out. He was right. MJ's halter-necked dress looked a bit school ma'am-ish, I was wearing the butler's clothes and CyberPete looked like he'd ransacked every room of its net curtains. "Can't you do something with that wand?" he asked.
"Urrgh! Don't get that warty thing out!" MJ squealed.
"Ha. Ha" I acknowledged. "Let's see what this wand can do, then." I gave the pink, sparkly thing a shake then directed it at our little group.


We all looked at each other. Not much had changed. Tazzy and Piggy were now wearing wigs. MJ's dress wasn't quite so staid and her fringe had disappeared to be replaced with a giant bouffant. The black bowtie I had hanging around my neck had been replaced with an orange tie, so now I looked like a giant penguin. And CyberPete looked like a fourth drag queen cast member of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert!

"I think this is as good as it's going to get" I sighed in defeat.

To be continued...


  1. I can easily solve this by pulling something out of my bouffant but I don't want to say what it is and spoil it for the others.

    In the meantime, please videotape yourself doing the Gay Wave™ and post it asap. A nation awaits.

  2. Very festive, 7 weeks to Crimbo!

  3. I second the gay wave motion!

    Also - write some more soon. I demand it!

  4. MJ: I dread to think...

    Frobi: Chrimbo can shit off.

    Although, Panto season is always good for a laugh.

    T-Bird & MJ: I'll see what I can do about the Gay Wave™, but, as always, don't hold your breath...


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?