Saturday, 3 November 2007

Hallowe'en III: The carriage of No Horse Drawn

"Right. Well, now we've got to get to this Crystal Ball."

"And don't even mention walking, because there's no way I'm walking anywhere in these!" CyberPete moaned.

All eyes fixed firmly on me.

"I believe this is your department, IVF" said Piggy.

"I guess we'd better start looking for a pumpkin, then" I replied.

After a few minutes of searching, all we'd come up with was a couple of sprouting potatoes, a bunch of grapes and a lemon.

"No pumpkin?" I was aghast. "Did someone check the yard?"

"Yep. No sign of any pumpkins. However," and Tazzy held up a squirming rodent by its tail, "I did find this. We're gonna need a driver for when you do turn something into a coach, aren't we?"

Oh gods! "OK. Bring that" and I pointed at the dangling rat "and the lemon to the courtyard out front."

The lemon was placed in the centre of the courtyard. Tazzy stood next to it holding the rat.

"Right. When I say so, drop the rat and run for cover, Tazzy" I instructed. "Everyone else stand back!" Taking a couple of deep breaths, I felt the wand charging through my fingertips. I swung my arm back then threw it forward, pointing the wand at the lemon. "Run!" I yelled.

Tazzy dropped the rat and scarpered across the paving as quickly as he could in a full length frock, and dived behind a rose bush.

Glingle glingle Poof!

When the pink smoke had cleared sufficiently, we all gasped. It had worked! Perhaps not in the way we were expecting, after all, there wasn't a beautiful gilded coach complete with driver. Instead, a stretched Citroen C6, still wreathed in tendrils of smoke and-

"Frobi!" Piggy exclaimed.

Uh oh.

"What the...?" the confused Frobisher stuttered. "What happened?"

"I... Uh... I'm not quite sure" I admitted.

"Oh, who cares" CyberPete said. "At least we've got transport and a driver. C'mon everyone, into the car. We're off!"

After much pushing and shoving, we were all inside. I was up front with Frobi. CyberPete and MJ had very quickly found the mini-bar and Tazzy and Piggy were arguing over who had the worst dress on.

"Where are we going?" Frobi asked.

"The palace. To the Crystal Ball."

"Where's that then?"

"Umm... Surely this thing must have sat nav?" I muttered, flailing at buttons on the dashboard. A compartment flipped open to reveal a starling.

"Where to, Guv?" it said, in a surprisingly baritone voice.

"Um. Er. The Palace?"

"Righto. Follow me, then." The starling looked up. "You'll have to open the sunroof first, Guv."

Frobi thumbed the switch and the sunroof slid back exposing the evening sky. The starling took off through it and started flying low in front of the car.

"Follow that bird!" someone yelled.

Frobi gave a shrug and gunned the accelerator. The car leapt forward pinning everyone in their seats. In the back, champagne sloshed out of glasses. Luckily, MJ's long flexible neck had snapped back with the g-force and the flying champers went straight into her open mouth. CyberPete looked on in envy as most of it had sloshed out of his glass. Piggy and Tazzy just whispered to each other before bursting out laughing. MJ crossed her arms and frowned at them as she swallowed.

We were soon at the palace. Frobi sped through the gates, narrowly missing a couple of guards. I waved our tickets at them out of the window as we roared up the drive. As we came to a skidding halt, someone opened one of the back doors and CyberPete fell out onto the gravel, still clutching a glass of champagne, expertly held so not a drop was spilt.

"Ouch" he mumbled.

MJ got out, surprisingly ladylike without showing any snatch, and stepped over his prone form. "Get up, you silly little poof" she sneered. CyberPete just burped and giggled.

Tazzy and Piggy, now also out of the car, grabbed an arm each and hoisted him to his feet. "C'mon 'Cinders" Tazzy said. "Let's go." Piggy oinked in agreement.

We all followed MJ as she stalked up the steps to the grand entrance of the palace. The sound of gossip, laughter and music rolled out - It sounded like the ball was well under way.

A tap on my shoulder made me turn. "'Ere. You can't leave that there" a vertically challenged guard said.

"Oh, for gods sakes" I sighed, pointing the wand at the Citroen.


It reverted to its previous form and I carried on up the steps leaving the guard with a stunned look on his face.

to be continued...


  1. POOF!, indeed!

    Why does that filthy Frobisher get HIS name highlighted while the rest of us remain unlink-ed?

    AND he's the star attraction today over at the Yorkshire Poofs.

    He's getting more than his 15 minutes of fame.

    *snaps neck back into place, turns on stilettoed heel and exits*

  2. Because this is his first appearance in the Hallowe'en saga. Everyone else has been linked in the previous two episodes.
    Besides, I couldn't be arsed!

    Frobi certainly looks like he's seen better days, judging by the pic Tazzy & Piggy have displayed.

  3. I quite like Citroen C6s.

  4. Me too. Very distinctive.

    Especially when filled to capacity with bouffants and cross-dressers!

  5. Anonymous3/11/07 19:50

    "To be continued..."

    Oh fuck. Does it have to be?

  6. Anonymous3/11/07 19:50

    And Frobi has never had better days.

    Thats as good as it gets.

  7. Yes, it does have to be continued. If only so everyone can read how you get your comeuppance!

    Only two more parts to go.

  8. My favourite part of this one was the starling. You made me snort juice out of my nose!

    More more more!!

  9. Anonymous4/11/07 00:30


    But we've been nice to you recently!

  10. Two more parts? You wish.

  11. I wish more things went Ka-Zam! on a day to day basis.

  12. "Luckily, MJ's long flexible neck had snapped back with the g-force and the flying champers went straight into her open mouth."


  13. SID: Did that statement excite your "swelling little manclit"?

    Nice, Smunty! Ta for that!

  14. Anonymous4/11/07 15:33

    "Luckily, MJ's long flexible neck had snapped back with the g-force and the flying champers went straight into her open mouth."

    You forgot to mention the bit where her false teeth took fright, leaprt from her mouth to escape the increasing G-forces, scampered through the cat-flap with the cat in tow and then got crushed under the wheels of a passing lorry.

  15. Anonymous4/11/07 15:34

    'leaprt' is slang for 'leapt' somewhere.

  16. I love the fact that you all were trailing AFTER MJ. As it should be. Go MJ!

  17. In retrospect, I should have shown some snatch as I stood over CyberSlut.

  18. T-Bird: That starling wasn't half an uppity little sod.

    P&T: Does the absence of being horrid equal being nice, though?

    And did you "AAAAAAaaaaaaargh!" because there'll be two more parts, or because of your comeuppance?

    Tim: What if I said one of those parts was yours?

    Dinah: I'll send you the wand, so your wish can come true. But as the saying goes: Be careful what you wish for...

    SID: I wondered what purpose it served, and now we know.

    MJ: I bet it did!

    P&T: And you forgot the bit where those teeth snagged her colostomy bag on the way past, flooding the inside of the car with her rancid piss.

    P&T: South Africa?

    Snooze: Well, she is a very forward woman.

    MJ: He certainly wouldn't've giggled then!


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?