Monday, February 26, 2007

I'm a witch, not a landing strip

Last week's piloting episode made me think that perhaps I should look into getting a broom upgrade. Admittedly, not much more speed can be wrought out of Broom, but it could stand to be a bit more manoeuverable. The flyer from Dar Kart's Brooms & Hoes leant some pressure to my pondering. Well, that and nearly being flattened by a spaceship!

Yesterday evening, I was flying back from the pub - I'd only had one gin & tonic (Tanqueray, not hideous, chemically Gordon's) so I wasn't drunk - when I got the feeling that I wasn't alone.

"Dragon?" I called out, looking left. "Is that you?"

No answer. Perhaps it was that pegasus I've seen hanging around with Svaathor da Vjis?

"Oi! Birdbrain! Where are you?" I shouted, looking right.

Nothing.

Crap. It must be those Hoodies from Lakenham. Evil little sods have 'obtained' a warlock's hoe from somewhere. Tragically, their underdeveloped, delinquent minds are being developed by the hoe. I keep meaning to go over there and sort them out, but I just haven't had the time. That hoe has probably convinced them all that they're invincible warlocks by now. Actually, that would explain the recent increase in unsolved weird crimes.

"Oi, you little bleeders" I yelled as I looked up. And trailed off... "... Bugger."

A giant spaceship, the like of which I'd never seen before, was not three feet from the top of my head. And descending fast!

Jinkies!

I swerved to my left, opening up the acceleratrix. Broom lurched as it suddenly increased in speed. I lurched, too, and nearly brought up my lunch. Urrrgh. It wasn't that nice going down - I sure as Hell didn't want to taste it coming up as well.
As I swallowed, I felt a jarring shunt. Broom was suddenly pointing skywards and my back was pressed against warm metal.

Pushing off, Broom and I clattered up the side of the descending spaceship until we were left hovering as it headed down towards Carey's Meadow. Landing legs emerged from beneath the main body of the ship.

I stared in disbelief.

"Hey! You can't park there" I yelled after it. "That's a watermeadow. You'll sink!"

19 comments:

  1. Do you know? I just can't imagine you on a broom, whizzing through the air, flowing locks streaming behind you.

    No. I just can't visualise it, somehow.

    I can, however, very clearly see you on one of those wee sticks with a battery operated horses head that they sell in Asda at Crimbo time.

    You know the ones - those one's that make 'clip-clop' noises as you prance around the room 'Naying' whilst listening to the Black Beauty theme tune in the background.

    Yes.

    I think it's about time Broom joined the logs (the wooden variety) on a nice wee bonfire.

    You'd appreciate and nice horse-headed stick much more. And it has the added bonus of doubling up as a bed-time friend to fulfil your fantasies.

    You dirty cunt.

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  2. And shouldn't this post be entitled 'I'm a dirt track, not a landing strip for witches'?

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  3. I like Broom - Ive been catching up on his adventures! Why not bring him down to Devon?

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  4. Oh how I giggled.
    Now excuse me, I'm off to shuffle through your dusty back catalogue :-)

    Txxxxx

    One more thing. Jinkies. Jinkies? ... Jinkies.
    I think I'm getting it. But I think it needs an Aussie accent. xxx

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  5. With the rain we've had recently, I know this is going to end badly.

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  6. T-Bird: Boobs always arrive before other parts of ones anatomy. Go, Boobs!

    P&T: * shouts through the ether *

    Myra? Oh, Myra! I've got a couple of 'friends' I'd like you to meet.

    Before she gets here, I'd just like to say, I imagine you're speaking from experience - you and battery powered heads must have a long and sordid history.

    Pervy cunts.

    And, ASDA?

    Filthy, pikey cunts.

    And as for Dirt Track?

    Cheeky cunts.

    Mutley: Broom would like nothing better, but how will I get about in it's absence? And don't say "On Piggy's battery-powered horse"!

    Toby :You came!

    * clasps hands together with joy *

    Don't get lost in those archives, now. If you do, an exclamation of "Jinkies" - think Velma from Scooby Doo - will get you out!

    Love, IDV xx

    Tickers: 'Sunk without a trace' springs to mind...

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  7. A broom? Who do you think you are? Harry Potter?

    ;)

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  8. No 'cunts' in reply to Toby's comment?
    *grins* no surprises there :)

    This isn't, like, just my dirty mind, right?

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  9. Yes, Imogen, it is.

    You dirty, dirty cunt.

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  10. 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  11. Let me save on time and space....

    Dirty cunt x 22 million times.

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  12. Jingo: Harry Potter can shit off!

    Imogen: re Toby: I don't know what you mean.

    * fiddles with scarf and doesn't make eye contact *

    And I'm afraid that yes, as P&T, Tickers & SID rather eloqueyntely point out, it is your dirty mind.

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  13. Can I take it you'll be coming with us to see Harry on stage?

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  14. Have you ever been scared you'll be piloting Broom, turn your head back and a giant alien like in Aliens will be right behind you drooling?

    Aliens is on telly tonight!

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  15. *grins* I'll take whatever attention I can get.

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  16. skillz - I'm quite sure it won't be the first time IVF has had something resembling an alien dribbling some form of goo over him.

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  17. Frobi' that wouldn't be anything to do with Daniel having a fat cock would it?

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  18. Frobi: I must admit, he's not bad for a young'un. But, eww, no!

    Skillz: Well, there was that time when I was ferrying the gargoyle to Jewsons so he could pick out the right filler for his cracks. Honestly, you should've seen the state of Broom's shaft...

    Imogen: Hussy! ;-)

    Tazzy: If only they'd been a little bigger!

    Tickers: I didn't know he kept fowl?

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