Saturday, February 24, 2007

Pilots

It seems they'll let anyone be a pilot these days.

Not last week a yobbo on a magic carpet overtook me far too close for safety, never mind comfort. The leading edge of his 'carpet can't have been more than a hand's width from Broom's bristles as he pulled out. Needless to say, the thaumic fields of the two vehicles - and I give that description in the loosest sense of the word - clashed, causing Broom to stutter, the resulting feedback created a repulsor field, rather like that created when the positive poles of two magnets are brought together, which pushed Broom and 'carpet apart. The 'carpet pilot took off without so much as a wave of apology. The git.

Fuming, I gunned the acceleratrix, blasting out of the downward spin I found myself in before arcing around and executing an intercept course for the 'carpet. Magic carpets are renowned for their comfort and luxury, and the ability to carry multiple passengers in nothing less than opulence. What they are not known for is speed and manoeuverability. Probably because they are neither fast nor manoeuverable. Luckily.

As Broom and I closed in on our target, I obscured us, allowing a stealthy approach. Edging down Broom's shaft, I leaned forward and reached out. Another advantage of the Host being tall, is that I didn't have to bring Broom close enough to the 'carpet for the thaumic fields to touch again - the Host's arms were more than long enough to reach over and snag a thread from the trailing edge of the 'carpet. Having successfully caught the thread, I dropped back grinning as the 'carpet slowly unravelled. I descended, unobscuring, and came to a stop near the top of a Douglas fir where I wrapped the thread around the trunk a few times before tying it securely, keeping about six inches of the thread from the end.

Ascending, I accelerated, following the taut magic carpet thread. I caught up quickly, coming up from below in front of the 'carpet, of which only the front quarter was left - the stupid git pilot hadn't even realised what was going on behind him! Looking over my right shoulder, straight at him, I waved the thread in front of his face. His mouth made an 'o' of surprise.

Smiling sweetly evilly, I changed course suddenly, off to the right, deliberately grazing his 'carpet's thaumic field with Broom's, ready for the jolt.

"Oops! Sorry!" I called out as Madam Gravity took hold of him.

14 comments:

  1. I just hope appropriate hand signals were used.

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  2. One day, I'm going to set fire to that broom.

    Let's see how you'll cope when you have to use your feet to travel, you lazy cunt.

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  3. unravelling the carpet was a stroke of genius IDV. I'd have been trying to think of something effective to do with Shake and Vac'.

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  4. SID: Yes, this one {.I..} and this one {V..}

    Piggy: I have to use Broom because one of my feet is still stuck up your arse.

    Here: * hands over stinky fish * You can have your frozen kipper (smoked) back.

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  5. Ooh, Tickers, you gave me quite the fright!

    Shake'n'Vac, now there's an idea...

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  6. I'd quite like to see IVF eating the Shake and Vac.

    That'd be really amusing to watch.

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  7. Piggy's double entendre just about made my head explode in squeamishness then.

    I can't believe that boob forked out all that money on a magic carpet, but didn't bother to get fire, water, theft and acts of malevolence insurance on it.

    Serves him right!

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  8. P&T: Just for you, I'd don a blonde wig, A-line skirt and dance around the living room with a vacuum cleaner, Sake'n'Vac foaming out of my mouth!

    If some gets in your eyes, so much the better.

    T-Bird: Heh heh! Boob.

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  9. Sake'n'Vac being the Japanese equivalent...

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  10. Are you wearing frilly panties beneath the A-line skirt?

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  11. No. Bloomers and a petticoat!

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  12. That situation was just begging for an inverted dive where you flipped him the bird a-la Top Gun.

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  13. Just for us?

    You lying cunt! You do it every fucking Saturday down at the local poof pub.

    I've heard you look like Myra Hindley.

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  14. Skillz: I'll have to practise my diving...

    P&T: My "Myra" is truly a sight to behold.

    Especially when I channel her.

    In fact, maybe I'll do just that and come and pay you a visit. I hear the moors are pretty bleak and deserted at this time of year. I'm sure the disappearance couple of poofs will be a relief for your neighbourhood...

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