The Prince(ss) and the Pee: Part One

long time ago, in a kingdom far, far away-

Oh, enough of the Star Wars crap - It won't make it any more interesting.

Yes. It's bad enough you couldn't get off your lazy arse and write this for Hallowe'en.

I had (and still have) Man Flu™!

That's as may be, but we all know Man Flu™ doesn't affect Gayers to the same degree as Breeder Men.

Yeah. Just get on with it.

Oh, be quiet!

* ahem *


ot so long ago - last night, in fact - a castle's kitchen was alive with bustle and swearing.

"Oh, forfucksakes! Get out there with that" the exasperated head chef hissed at the hapless waiter while pointing at a tray of complicated looking hors d'oeuvre.

"Yes, chef" mumbled the waiter.

"And you" the chef blasted, turning to face the flinching kitchen boy. "I want this place spotless when I come down to do dinner. I can feel one of my heads coming on, so you'll have to manage without me for an hour or so."

"Yes, chef."

"Don't fuck things up."

"Yes, chef" they both answered, trying not to cower too much.

When the highly strung and increasingly venomous chef had stormed out, they both sagged and turned to each other.

"Monsieur Queynte's in a right strop tonight. Did you break more dishes doing the washing up this morning, Beast?" the waiter accused.

"No!" the kitchen boy replied indignantly. "I thought you must've dropped yet another breakfast tray, Mr Frobisher?"

The two men glowered at each other through narrowed eyes before Frobisher flounced off with the hors d'oeuvre tray and Beast turned away with a sigh wondering where to begin in the untidy kitchen.

~ ~ ~

In the castle's grand ballroom, the fancy dress ball was in full swing. The guests were mingling, each dressed up according to their interpretation of the calendar theme. They made their way elegantly around the opulant ballroom, gliding from one group of gossiping party-goers to another, from the magnificent buffet tables to the dancefloor, and then on to the raised dais at the far end of the room to parade themselves before the royal family.
The crown prince, Eros, was surrounded by a gaggle of giggling girls. Not surprising really considering his costume. Or lack thereof. His fancy-dress consisted of a tiny pair of strawberry icecream-pink trunks and lashings of cream, chocolate sauce and icecream melting quickly over his tanned, muscular body.
At the other end of the room, the Willow Fairy, dressed as Wednesday Addams, and the court artist, dressed somewhat strangely, were talking.

"These hors d'oeuvres are quite delightful, don't you think?" the artist asked her companion.

"Um... Yes" was the somewhat distracted reply. "They're very... um... exotic. Look. I've been meaning to ask since you got here: Why are you dressed as a giant poo?"

The Poo coughed in shock. "I'm not a poo! I'm a date" she said, aghast. "You think I'm a poo?"

"Well... Yes."

"Oh my gods." The Date, nee Poo, was horrified. "Everyone else must think I'm a poo, too."

"I'm sure not everyone thinks that..." the Willow Fairy said attempting to console her. "Some might think you're a... a..." But before she could come up with a less insulting idea, the french doors behind them were flung open revealing a very handsome, but almost naked young man with a look of confused desperation in his eyes.

"Someone didn't get the revised invitation" the Willow Fairy whispered to the newly revealed Date before turning back to the, frankly stunning, man before them. Both pairs of eyes lowered involuntarily to the... Handkerchief, that was all that prevented the man from being indecent.

"The Greek Gods theme was cancelled" the Date said to him after she managed to look him in the face.

The man looked wildly around the room, then back at the Date. "Are you dressed as a poo?" he asked in confusion.

The Willow Fairy burst into peals of laughter as the Date sulked and the 'Greek God' disappeared into the crowded ballroom.




To be continued...

It's that time again

I'b siiiiiiiiiiiick...

... so my planned Hallowe'en post may be cancelled. I knew I shouldn't have left it until the last moment.

I'm going to bed.

Meh.

One Wonders

Another tag, another meme. This one is from the ever resourceful Tara of Eclectic Spaghetti. One has to answer one word questions, but not necessarily with one word answers. Shall we begin?

1 Clothes? Horse
2 Furniture? Polish
3 Sweet? Shop
4 City? Centre
5 Drink? Up
6 Music? Box
7 TV? Times
8 Film? Premiere
9 Workout? Side
10 Pastries? Cinnamon
11 Coffee? Almond flavour coffee cream creamer. This was genuinely the first thing that popped into my head. Just shows how much I love Pushing Daisies! For any of you that don't get it: You should watch the show, shouldn't you?!

Oh yeah, I wasn't supposed to answer with one word answers - Well, I didn't with 11, so at least I don't have to do that one again. Oh well, second time lucky. And I want a go, too:

1 Clothes? Jeans and sparkly orange T-shirt! Well, I prefer my deep plum flight suit with the dark emerald lining and matching cloak. Oh, and Hat, of course.
2 Furniture? Bed. But we still need to get a desk for Demon Box.
3 Sweet? Cadbury's Wispa. Mint Imperial. That's a bit insensitive - You know I was nearly killed by one of those, don't you?
Of course * cackles *
4 City? Norwich. Pandemonium.
5 Drink? White grape & peach jui- Uh, I mean, wine.
6 Music? Goldfrapp. I'd have to agree.
7 TV? At the moment, Desperate Housewives. But it'll be Pushing Daisies when it comes back on.
8 Film? The Incredibles. Gattaca.
9 Workout? Not unless I can possibly help it. Me neither. But I wouldn't mind watching Tim doing one...
10 Pastries? A cinnamon swirl on the odd occasion, but I'm not a big fan as they're so fatty.

Okay, now I have to tag some people, but I'm not going to because I think quite a few people have already done this one, and those that have been tagged by someone else, but have yet to do it, obviously don't want to, so I'm not going to bother.


EDIT 30/10/08: I've put in a link to information about the yummy Wispa, up there.

Items of Interest: Oh, it's not the menopause

Here is the second in the Items of Interest series. By the way, it's not me or my camera.


Or my fingers.


Or Apocalypse Oven.








Have you guessed what it is, yet?

Li'l ol' me.

In case any of you are interested, I have been interviewed by the adorable Dinah here.

As for my weekend, one of you guessed at least part of what I've been up to. The rest has been spent entertaining a friend, D, who travelled up from London on Friday evening. I met him at the station and we wandered into the city where we met another friend, N, at an Italian restaurant and had a lovely meal. That was followed by drinks in a pub where we met another friend, H, before returning to mine where D was staying. On Saturday, N & D went out for the day and I spent the afternoon... Well, that was the part one of you guessed. Then in the evening I joined N & D at N's house for a meal, some televisualising and card games.
I was up at the crack of dawn this morning because I had to go to work. Well, I didn't have to, but chose to for the extra money. And now I'm back having a quick catch up before doing the chores.

I hope you all had good weekends with your homosexuals, penis, work, dinner, birthday celebrations, shots, wee - sorry: wii - and sticky sulking?

Going down...

I mean 'coming down'...

* ahem *

Yes. I seem to be coming down with a serious affliction. I believe it's called 'a Life'. I'm not too concerned about it, though. My crystal ball indicated that I'd be over it by Sunday evening, so there's something to look forward to.

Anyway, I'm posting this just in case any of you wonder where I am over the weekend. I haven't fallen down the back of the sofa, or flung myself forward in time into a new host, or managed to turn Tim to the dark side and spend the weekend ensconced with him in a cosy hideaway, more's the pity. But you're still on for next weekend, hmm? Tim?

Actually, I expect you won't care where I am, as I'm sure you're all off having lives of your own this weekend, anyway.

...


...


...

Bwah hah hah hah hah hah ha!

* wipes eyes *

No. Really. What are you all doing this weekend? Answers in the comments, please.

Margaret 2.0

Before I begin the post proper, here are some facts about my 'house guest':

The original Margaret lived with the witch who owned the cafe where I used to work in my teens and early twenties. I cloned her before I left the North Norfolk Coast, and brought Margaret 2.0 with me to The Fine City Of Norwich. She's lived with me for the ten years that I've been here, so far. Now that she's in her teens, she's becoming more demanding and a little rough around the edges. She's even taken to drinking.

I give you: A Day In The Life Of Margaret 2.0

Here she is, staggering out of her pit first thing in the afternoon...
Putting on her slap...
Expecting me to chauffeur her around...
Here she is struggling with her shopping after a trip to Sainsbury's. Poor love doesn't have opposable leaves, so can't hold the bag properly...
And finally, after a hard hour shopping, here she is relaxing in the garden with a glass of chilled fertiliser. Lazy cow!

Items of Interest: The Towering Disco Inferno

This is the first in a series of posts as suggested by MJ here. Only I won't be so prolific as to post one household object per day. After all, you all know how lazy I am.

As you can see, on the left is the pictorial logo of this new series of Items of Interest. If I remember, I'll use this same logo for all subsequent posts in the series.

You will also see that, I have (and will continue to do so with future posts) photographed the Item from an unusual angle, and omitted to name it, thereby inviting you, the cherished reader/stalker*, to guess what it is. This first Item is an easy one seeing as it's the first of the series.





* I must have one, mustn't I? Anyone?

Fun at others expense

While I try and decide what to do next, in response to Tim's challenge, I give you Wonky-Mouthed Beaky:



Ha ha ha! Stupid little git!


P.S. Thank you for your suggestions from the last post. Anymore would be gratefully received.

Wake me up

I was having a look back at my posts from this time last year to find some inspiration. For you see, lately, I just haven't been arsed to post anything. As is evident.
It's not as if I haven't been doing things that merit posting about, it's just that I can't make those things as witty and engaging as, say Tim's posts, for example. Or as resourceful and entertaining as Dinah's, or as revealing and emotional as T-Bird's.

Or as downright filthy as MJ's.

Anyway, I looked back at October 2007's posts and discovered that I didn't post anything of any worth then, either. It seems October is not a month for productive blogging. At least not from myselves.

So, I'm not even going to try. Hopefully, inspiration will strike soon because Hallowe'en is rapidly approaching and I simply must post something of worth for that most revered of days. Until then, you'll have to put up with what ever I manage to churn out. Like this old tosh, for instance.

Unless you have any suggestions for me?

The makings of a witch

I was, for once, doing the dusting and not playing Word Twist on dratted Facebook. I'd already done the washing up and hung a load of washing out to dry, fending off Beaky while I was at it. He had another go for my eyes, you know. Oh, yes. Swooping down out of the cherry tree with not even a warning screech! I instinctively brought my arms up to fend him off, somewhat like Tippi Hedren in The Birds, but was too late. However, the evil little bugger had failed to notice that I was still wearing my reading glasses so his sharp little beak was deflected and he went careening off towards the rose bush shrieking in rage. The right lens is ruined - There's a big chip in the middle of it, much like a stone chip in a car windscreen.
Anyway, back to the dusting. I'd dusted everything except the sideboard, so I cleared the top, removing the lamp, vase and crystal ball, placing them on the dining room table. The crystal ball shimmered momentarily as I put it down. Now, not being one to ignore a quick shimmy, I sat down in front of it and booted it up.
A seated figure coalesced in the crystal depths. It looked remarkably like me and was reading a large, ancient looking, hardback book. I quickly became subsumed in the vision...

~ ~ ~

A small black shape flickered into existence near the inner spine of the book. Another flicker and it was gone. Thinking his mind was playing tricks on him, he continued reading but the corner of his eye kept tabs on the spine. Another shape formed and disappeared. Then another. More and more flashed into existence radiating out from the spine, random shapes, ink black, momentarily blocking out the text, overlapping each other as they appeared faster and faster and in greater numbers. Within seconds, the pages were completely black. Yet, in the blackness were words. These words, although as black as their surroundings, were easy to read. Far too easy. They practically leapt from the page and into his head, forcibly entering his mind. He stared in stifled shock as the inky darkness flickered over his fingertips where they rested on the pages.
His mind screamed at him to drop the book but his nerve impulses ignored the directive. his body wasn't listening to his brain's instructions. The irregular shapes fluttered across his skin, swarming up his arms and across his chest. He felt the tickle of them, like dry leaves, as they passed over his lips and into his mouth, drying it instantly. A final breath through his nose was tainted with an odd smell, then his vision faded and died. There was nothing but penetrating black, darker than shadows and even more silent. Even his thoughts were quiet and still.
Watching, as if from afar, he began to perceive something amidst the darkness. The thing stirred.

"Ah, good" it said in familiar voices. "You're in. Surprise! You've got guests!"

Whatever he once was put down the book and got up to get a glass of water.

~ ~ ~

I gasped and withdrew from the scene in the crystal ball. I'd just seen a past I didn't remember leading to a future I wanted to forget! I should have known not to look into the damn thing today, the third anniversary of my arrival in the 21st century.

Yes. And your arrival in me!

Oh, hush.