Wednesday, 1 August 2018

Not The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts


 Oh, dear.  The triumphant return of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts over at Rimpy's has encouraged a glut of imposters to try and nab the spotlight.  Be wary of Freakin' Green Elf Shorts wannabes.
 
 The poor sod on the right here was taken in by someone's claim that they were selling the original pair, but just look at them: 
 The first give away is that this pair of faux Freakin' Green Elf Shorts is clinging suggestively to the dim lunk's taut, muscular buttocks (gods, just look at his arse!).  If these were the real deal, they'd be around his ankles after having been stretched out of shape by second winner Jon's impressive package, and twelfth winner SID's fat arse (see The Very Mistress's Definitive History of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts for details).  Other clues as to their fakeness: no red waist band, the hemline zig-zags are too large, and his bells are too big!


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 Here are a few more of the pretenders to the porcelain throne:

 Walmart's knock-off Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are a surprisingly good copy, but their fakeness is illustrated by the fact that this is a garment for men.  The real Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are unisex, having been donned by Men (Donn!  Eros!), Women (The Very Mistress!  Ms Scarlet!), and those that are in between (Cyberpoof!).


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 Dailing For Dollars has got no hope.  "Condition: Brand new"???  Ha!  These things are nearly 14 years old!  And as for "Care: Machine wash" - Please. The stainage inherent in the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts can never be removed by a mere washing machine.



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 As for the fraudsters on ebay, aside from describing them as "ugly", they're obviously not even trying.  Five pairs to sell?  The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are unique!  There is only one pair-
 Well, actually, there are two, now.
 What?!
 Rimpy had Queen of the Elf Shorts, Andrea Knapp, clone a new pair because the originals somehow escaped from Princess's clutches.
I bet those vile and contemptible gnomes were to blame...
I think you're right.  Anyway, "Mens" - No!  ""Brand-new, unused, and unworn" - Absolutely not!  "Free of defects, stains, and rips" - Ha ha ha ha haaaa!
The seller did mention "Bottom size: M(assive) L(eviathan) X(traordinarily)L(arge), though...



oOo

 Let's leave the fake-Os and get on with the real deal, shall we?  Below, we have Rimpy Rimpington (and friend) modelling the actual (cloned) Freakin' Green Elf Shorts for the latest caption competition - being held now over at his place!


 If you'd like to feel those detestable polyestables and their suspect stains chafing between your thighs or up your bum crack, go and leave a caption at Rimpy's and you never know: The next winner of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts could be you!

 Good luck!

20 comments:

  1. Sometime in the distant far off future, archeologists will find the Shorts in the post apocalyptic ruins of our world and wonder, "How did these shiny shorts survive the nuclear apocalypse, the alien invasion, and the second coming of Jesus?"

    "...And what are these stains?..." Will be the last words as a super contagion born and bred in the Shorts spreads and wipes off humanity...



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  2. Wait......you had me at Jon impressive package.....really......

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  3. I submitted one caption with absolutely no hope that I might win! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, submit some more. Submit some more!

      Wait. Unless... You don't want to win them?

      *doesn't understand*

      Delete
  4. eBay? So THAT'S what Princess has done with them!

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    Replies
    1. And for there to be at least five pairs, the 'Shorts must have been breeding. Oh, gods. They're going to take over the world!

      Delete
  5. Thanks for your research into this important topic. Accept no substitutes! (except for my cloned pair, of course)

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    1. I thought it was about time for an in-depth exposé on the matter. In fact, I'm waiting for my Pulitzer Prize as we speak (well, type).

      Delete
  6. That is quite some bum. And back.
    I must confess to always wondering what the freakin' green elf shorts would feel like next to the skin. But since they do look like Rimpy isn't wearing anything underneath I won't join in the caption competition and risk finding out!

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    Replies
    1. But finding out is almost the whole point! You clearly missed my magazine article on the subject. It even came with a scratch-n-sniff chart! (not pictured)
      You should enter some captions. And if you do win them, you could always protect yourself with some more tin foil undercrackers!

      Delete
  7. Okay, full disclosure: when I first received the Shorts, I took a whore's shower and then tried them on with nothing underneath. Unfortunately, they were a Medium, and I'm at least an XL (in the waist), so stuff was popping out in all the wrong places. For the picture, I wore women's underwear and wore them backwards so the blue-green of the undies wouldn't protrude through the fly. Caveat emptor. Please caption.

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    Replies
    1. These are exactly the kinds of tid-bits that will draw pervs- I mean people, to the 'Shorts. "Whore's shower", "tried them on with nothing underneath", "popping out in all the wrong places", "I wore women's underwear", "protrude through the fly" - all FGES gold! It'll be like flies around shit!

      Delete
    2. Food for thought here.

      1. Rimpy tried on The Shorts with nothing on underneath.

      2. For the photo, Rimpy wore women's underwear underneath.

      Just let those two thoughts sink in, Bitches.

      Delete
    3. And take note future winners: This is the start for how you should all mean to go on!

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  8. This is all a but much for a refained lady like moi. Not used to being hot and bothered so early in the day.I shall pop back later if I come up with a suitable caption.

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    Replies
    1. I detect a bit of Joan Sims about this...

      Delete

Tickle my fancy, why don't you?