Monday, 10 December 2007


Some little brat tried to push me into my own oven today!

The cheek.

Apocalypse Oven had done its usual sterling job at burning my tea, so I opened the back door (opposite AO, in the kitchen) to let the smoke out. As I bent over to see what the infernal thing had done to my ciabatta, something shoved me from behind. And not in the good way.

Well, I stumbled forward, bashing my shin on the open oven door, and steadied myself by slamming my hand down on to the electric ring. Which was on, naturally.


I spun around, wincing as half the skin from my palm was left smoking on the ring, and there in the doorway was the brat in question, looking rather disappointed.

"Why you little..." I began, raising my left hand and pointing my already sparking index finger at her fat little face.

"You're a witch" she said, fearlessly. "I saw your broomstick in the garage."

"I beg your pardon!" Well, I didn't know what else to say. She had me momentarily flummoxed.

"My book says that witches should be pushed into their ovens" the irritating little brat declared. Then an adult hand came into view, grabbing the demon child by her left arm and pulling it firmly away from my door.

"Come along, Lilli" I heard a terse male voice say to her. I stepped out into the back passage to have a look at this errant guardian. The man, her father, I assumed, turned saying "What have I told you about going into other peoples gardens? Hmm?" The girl just pouted. "Let's leave the" and he looked up at me at this point in his, frankly rubbish, telling off of his daughter, his widening eyes mirroring my own, "nice man alone..." he trailed off.

Bloody Hell! He was stunning! I had a Hot Dad™ in my garden! "Oh... ummm... That's OK" I managed to utter, followed by a moronic little giggle. I could just feel the SubCs getting all worked up at his hotness and my ineptitude. Before they could take over and ruin everything, I managed to blurt out: "I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch."

Oh, yeah. Good going Witchface.

Shut up.


  1. YAY! FIRST!

    Monty Python, awesome.

    Great story witch.

  2. You spend a lot of time stepping into back passages, don't you?

  3. Damn! My child assassin failed me!!

  4. Ah the treasures to be found on YouTube!!!

  5. If you want a job doing well, Tim, you just gotta do it yourself.

    Or get me to do it?


    Pretty please?

    *readies basting tray and oven gloves*

  6. IDV, you should file trespassing and attempted murder charges against that kid and have her tried as an there a death penalty is the UK?

    Better yet, she gets sent to work in a toy factory in China, where her tiny hands can be put to better use making lead toys for the other children of the world...Santa needs all the help he can get.

  7. Tatas: Which great story?

    MJ: I wouldn't say stepping. More like sidling. Or squeezing. Most are quite narrow.

    Tim: Ha!

    Snooze: It's like Aladdin's cave.

    Fuckkit: Not if I get you first!

    * unleashes army of funnel web spiders *

    Eros: There isn't a death penalty any more, but I've never let a little thing like time thwart me!

  8. Fuckkit - I'll distract him, you whack him on the head with a frying pan.

    We could put it on youtube!

  9. If you distract me by wearing those Big Bang pants, I'll quite happily let Fuckkit whack me!

  10. You'd probably be whacking yourself…

  11. Oven.

    Gas or electric?

    These things are important.

  12. very entertaining all round!¬!

  13. Was it Fuckkits dad you were referring to IDV because he surely is fine

  14. SID: Electric.

    Gleds: Ta!

    CyberPoo: Do you know something the rest of us don't?

  15. You don't read her blog??

    Oh dear...

  16. Ciabatta? obviously baked with ham & cheese?

    1 ciabatta loaf
    4oz sliced honey roast ham
    7oz grated mozzarella cheese
    2 large tomatoes
    1tbsp extra virgin olive oil

    Slice loaf into 4 layers. Place the hame on the first layer, grated cheese on the second and tomato on the third. Drizzle oil over the top, wrap in foil and bake for 15-20 minutes at 200c or gas mark 6. Unwrap, cut into wedges and serve immediately.

  17. CyberPoo: Oh , I read it.

    I just don't perv over her family!

    (Although, he's not bad, despite the unfortunate resemblance to Tony Blair)

    Frobi: Oh, I've just eaten.


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?