Monday, 24 December 2007

Christmas Pant-O(h Hell! There's no 'O' in three...)

After ridding herself of the last peelings of crone make-up, the lady MJ stood in front of her mirror again.

"Looking glass upon the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

The mirror was silent.

Glaring at the unresponsive mirror, MJ asked it again, this time sounding more than a little peeved. "Looking glass upon the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

Just beyond her reflection, T-Bird and I materialised, wincing, back from various dressing rooms and barracks around the castle.

"Who'd've thought underwear could be so... Complicated?" T-Bird said.

"I know" I replied. I'm glad I'm not one of those guards. Did you see those knitted pants? They must be so scratc-"

"Shit! She's back and she looks mad!" T-Bird interrupted me. "Where do you think she's been? Has she 'killed' Dinah yet?"

"Umm... I don't know?" We started to panic, until I noticed a clue as to whereabouts we were in the story. "Look!" I practically yelled, pointing at MJ's neck. "There's a disgusting flap of wrinkly old skin. It must be a remnant of crone make-up."

T-Bird squinted out of the mirror. "Are you sure? It looks like her own skin. She is quite old, after all. Didn't SID once tell you she was over 100?"

"Well, yes, but I think he may have been joking. Or drunk."

"So if that's fake old skin, she must just be back from poisoning Snow White. I'd better tell her she's the fairest, then."

Just as MJ was about to ask the mirror for a third time (through gritted teeth), the mirror spoke.

"You, my Lady, are the fairest of them all."

MJ's hardened features relaxed, but only for a moment as her chamber door swung open to reveal her husband, the lord Sid.

"I've jus' heard tha' nancy T'm fr' tha' lowly sheep herder town's visi * burp * tin' us. Did you know 'bout this?" He slurred as he supported himself against the door frame.

"Of course I did, you drunken old sop" MJ replied. "If you weren't so inebriated, you'd remember that we spoke of this last week. And you'd better sober up and brush up on your diplomacy before he arrives. He is a prince of the kingdom, and should be treated as such, otherwise these trade talks will be for naught."

"Hmmmph. Diplomacy" Sid grunted. "Dun' we ha' diplomats fer tha' kind o' thing?"

"We did" said MJ with her hands on her hips, "until you got rid of them for suggesting you lay off the booze at official functions!"

- - -

A little while later, at the cottage in the clearing, six of the seven dwarfs stood around a hastily constructed, but quite elegant, glass coffin holding the, now rigor mortis-free Dinah.

"Well, it's a shame she's dead, but at least she cleaned the cottage out first" Piggy commented.

"Yeah. All except those splodges of bird shit" Moany added.

The other dwarfs nodded in agreement, then a noise from the edge of the clearing made them turn. It was Meany.

"I've put the sign up" he shouted as he made his way over to the coffin.

"Good" said Cunty, rubbing his hands together with glee. "We'll soon lure a good looking man here that we can have our wicked way with!"

The sign worked remarkably quickly, because just as the dwarfs were about to go inside, Poofy hesitated, sniffing the air.

"I... I can smell testosterone" he exclaimed. "A man is coming." He sniffed the air with his eyes closed, as if smelling a fine wine. "A hot man!"

"Quick!" yelled Stripey. "Into the house. We've got to prepare!"

No sooner had they scurried inside their cottage, than a very handsome and well dressed man astride a huge horse rode into the clearing. He dismounted and surveyed the area, his hand on his colossal sword. Catching sight of the glass coffin, he strode over to it and gasped as he saw the beautiful Snow White inside, as if asleep.

"Wow! Awesome!" He reached out, his fingers brushing the glass, when rustling in the undergrowth caught his attention.

It was at this point that T-Bird and I materialised in the reflections on the glass coffin.

"It's Tim!" T-Bird gasped. "And looking hotter than ever."

"Oh my gods. Look at the size of his sword - It's enormous!" I was beside myself.

Then we, too, were distracted by movement under the trees.

"Isn't that Piggy?" T-Bird asked, as a pale arse poked out of some shrubs at the opposite side of the clearing.

"I was about to ask the same, but about that" and I pointed to a tuft of ginger hair sticking out of a laurel tree. "Oh, no! The Piggy dwarfs have surrounded Tim. They must have come out the back door of their cottage."

Tim had spun around and hefted his mighty weapon. And not a moment too soon, because out of the surrounding forest came the dwarfs. They were, disgustingly, naked and had launched themselves at Tim, each in a state of arousal.

"They're like facehuggers, the way they're grasping for him as they fly through the air" T-Bird noted.

"Arsebuggerers, more like - They're not aiming for his face" I pointed out. "Ew! * gags * I think I saw that one's tiny little penis sticking out of it's ginger bush!"

Tim was parrying and thrusting with his massive sword. One of the dwarfs had already fallen beneath a crushing blow.

"Yaaahhh! Take that, you sickening little trolls!" Tim roared as he struck another one down. With a brutal up-thrust, he impaled Poofy through the starfish. The tip of his sword glinting in Poofy's open mouth, such was its length. At least Poofy died with a smile on his face.

T-Bird and I clung to each other with barely contained lust for Tim as he paraded around with his sword out.

"Look! Look!" T-Bird practically shrieked. "Another button on his shirt has come undone!"

"Ohh, that manly chest" I sighed.

One of the other dwarfs, possibly Piggy, had leapt upon his back as Tim plunged his blade into another - Meany, judging my the look on his face as he died. Horrified at what might be happening on his back, Tim reached over his shoulder with his free hand, grabbed Piggy and flung him away, tearing his shirt in the process.
Piggy crashed down next to the glass coffin, jarring it slightly. This movement was enough to dislodge the bite of apple from Dinah's throat. She coughed, the apple shot out of her mouth, ricocheted off the lid of the coffin and hit her in the forehead, rousing her. She opened her eyes slightly, just enough to see the fight in the clearing, and tutted.
Tim dived and rolled, avoiding a leaping dwarf before lunging forward, his sword out, impaling Stripey. Still in a crouching position, Tim spun around and chopped Cunty in half as he was attempting to sneak up from behind.

"You cunt" muttered the dwarf as his life left him.

- - -

Piggy, realising he didn't stand a chance against this determined fighter, ran off into the forest. As he ran out of the trees onto a track, he collided with someone.

"Eh, oop?" the someone said. It was the huntsman Tazzy.

"What the fu-" Piggy grunted but stopped as he looked up at the huntsman who'd obviously been spending too much time with his apprentice. Their eyes met gooily. A couple of tweeting bluebirds flew overhead, disturbed by the fight.
Further down the track, the apprentice who'd seen the whole thing, clasped his girlish hands to his chest and sighed in happiness for the couple.

- - -

Back in the clearing, Tim had vanquished the remaining dwarfs. He stood in the centre, his sword still aloft. Ripped and torn, his shirt hung in very revealing tatters from his heaving chest, and his hair was sexily tousled over his forehead.
He smiled as he surveyed the scene, "Aw, yeah!"

T-Bird and I were beside ourselves at this vision of sexy, sexy hotness. We were so preoccupied that we didn't notice Dinah climb out of the coffin.

"Well. I guess you took care of them" she said flatly. "Bravo."

"Huh?" Tim tensed and spun towards her, still primed with adrenaline. He relaxed a little when he saw Dinah, but then noticed the look on her face. Putting on a kicked puppy expression - that had T-Bird and I melting - he said, "But they were going to do unspeakable things to me and my muscular buttocks."

"That was no reason to kill them" Dinah objected. "Besides, their penises were so little that you likely wouldn't have noticed anything."

"Even so..." Tim countered, looking even more hurt. "Hmmph. I suppose you want rescuing from this place, hmmm?"

"Yes, actually. I don't exactly know where I am and need to get back to Lord Sid's castle. He's my father, you see. I am the Lady Dinah."

"Well, there's a coincidence. I was going there anyway for the trade talks - I'm Prince Tim."

"Charmed, I'm sure" Dinah said dismissively.

T-Bird roused from her Tim-induced stupor. "Crikey! We'd better get back to the mirror" she exclaimed and grabbed my arm, dematerialising us.

- - -

At the castle, the reception for the arriving prince was almost ready. Lady MJ had tried on dozens of dresses and finally picked a winner.
She smoothed it down as she stood before her mirror once more.

"Looking glass upon the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

"Tim, definitely" the mirror said in my voice.

"Shhhhh!!!" T-Bird clapped her hand over my mouth to prevent more outbursts from my delerium. MJ, momentarily puzzled, looked as if she was going to shake the mirror, until T-Bird spoke again. "My lady, thou art certainly fair, but Dinah is more so with her snow white skin and ebony hair."


"Shuthefucup" SID semiconsciously muttered from his drunken stupor, prone on the bed in the next room.

The sound of coach wheels crunching on gravel snapped MJ out of her rage. "He's here" she hissed to SID. "Get up!"

- - -

"Oh my dear, what a relief to see you" MJ gushed insincerely as Dinah walked into the entrance hall.

"Hmmph!" Dinah snorted as two guards quickly flanked MJ and grabbed her by the arms. The blacksmith then entered, carrying a pair of red hot iron shoes in his thick leather gloves.

"Wha... What are you doing?" MJ asked in bewilderment.

"We know you were behind Dinah's abduction and attempted murders" Tim stated as he strode into the hall after Dinah.

"You don't know anything" MJ spat, losing her composure as the iron shoes were brought closer to her. "Release me!"

"All in good time. But first, theres' some one you should meet."

From an anteroom, the apprentice huntsman was dragged in. "Oh, I'm so sorry" he slurred happily. "They made me * hic * champagne cocktails from the mini * hic * bar on the coach. I told them everything. Ooh, they were delicious * hic * Can I have another?"

MJ shrieked with rage, then pain as the iron shoes were forced upon her feet. The guards released her and she danced madly across the hall, screaming, until she collapsed in a smoking heap, quite dead.

The apprentice huntsman let out a banshee wail and threw himself on top of her, which was something of a mistake, as the still hot shoes ignited the alcohol fumes emanating from his body. The two of them were quickly incinerated by fierce blue flames.

"Would someone clear that up" Dinah sniffed. "The stench of burning flesh is most unpleasant."

"Come on." Tim took her arm. "Let me escort you to your chambers where you can rest and recuperate."

"No funny business, mind" she relented.

"Of course" he agreed, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

- - -

After leaving her in her room, Tim crossed the landing and peered in the room opposite as the door had been left ajar. There on the wall was a huge ornate mirror. Looking first left, then right, to ensure no one saw him, Tim entered the room and stood before the mirror.

He struck a pose, flexing his muscles.

"Rawr!" he grinned to himself. Or so he thought.

"Rawr, indeed" the mirror replied as two pairs of hands reached out and dragged him in...

The End

Snow White: A Tale Of Turmoil


Snow White ~ Dinah, from Dinah Says Nothing

The Wicked Stepmother ~ MJ, from the Infomaniac

Snow White's father ~ SID, from Stupid Irish Daddy

The Magic Mirror ~ T-Bird, from 20+10

The Seven Dwarfs ~ Piggy, from Tazzy and Piggy

The (very) Handsome Prince ~ Tim, from Sparky Malarkey

The Huntsman ~ Tazzy, from Tazzy and Piggy

The Apprentice Huntsman ~ CyberPete, from SayHey

Well. It's a Bah, Humbug! from me.
And a Bah, Humbug! from him.
We hope you all enjoy your holidays.
See you on New Year's Eve!


  1. Yay! First!


    *still laughing at the funniness that would be 'lady mj'. As if.*

    Runs of into the sunset with Huntsman Tazzy to live happily ever after*

  2. Excellent!

    Except why did I have to die?

    *haunts IDV especially at night when he is undressing for bed*

    Happy Christmas

  3. Yay! It's Crimbo!

    Is it too early to start drinking?

  4. This is awesome! I'm off to have my turkey, and then to come back and read it again (and again).

    Merry Christmas!

  5. Merry Christmas IDV!

    Ratso xxx

  6. BRAVO!

    But there's no door frame in the world sturdy enough to support SID's bulk.

    *still laffing at Piggy's "tiny little penis sticking out of it's ginger bush!"

    The Apprentice Huntsman was simply trying to rescue me from the fashion crime of wearing iron shoes.

    This tale is not complete until we find out what happens to The (Very) Handsome Prince on the other side of The Mirror.

  7. This is awesome. The best Christmas story ever!

  8. Holy crap - I'm a hero!!


  9. And a hot one at that Tim


  10. *wipes tears away*


    *returns to drunken bliss*

  11. Excellent stuff.

    Happy Hogswatch, BTW.

  12. Piggy & Tazzy: Thank you.

    And someone had to live happily ever after.

    Apart from me and T-Bird, of course.

    CyberPoo: I'm not sure seeing me undress would qualify as going to a better place after one's left this mortal coil?

    Dinah: Oh gods, don't read it a second time - the spelling mistakes and plot holes will become apparent!

    Frobi: I hope you were merry, too?

    MJ: The fate of the (Very) Handsome Prince is for my eyes only. He might not live happily ever after, but I certainly will!

    Dinah: Ah, so you didn't fall into a plot hole after all?

    Tim: You certainly are!

    CyberHo: Hey! Stop fluttering your eyelashes at my hero!

    Tell you what. As it's the season for goodwill to one's fellow man, and all that, you can have ErosWings and I'll stick with Tim.


    SID: Why, thank you.

    Spike: Thank yer(!).

    And a Happy Hogswatch to you too!

    In fact, I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas/Festive Period/Holiday/Whatever!

  13. I've never had a "Festive Period" in my life! And those TV commercials over here that say, "Have a happy period" can stuff it.

  14. So much word to that, MJ, I don't even know where to begin.

  15. That was so freakin' awesome! And I got to be a character in it!

    I have literally no words for magnitude of that awesomeness! I love you forever, IDV!

    That. Was. The. Coolest. EVAH!!

  16. YAY I get Bingowings!!!!


    Hey IDV in the spirit of giving could you do a new years fairytale too?

    That would be awesome!

  17. In your next fairytale, you could make Bingowings the hero and he has to rescue CyberHo from an evil demon.

    They fall in love, of course, and Bingowings rips Cyberho's bodice to shreds.

  18. MJ & Dinah: So I suppose wrapping it in tinsel and sprinkling it with glitter won't help?

    Magic Mirror: So you liked it then?

    I hoped you would.

    CyberHo: Well, I've already got something planned for New Year's Eve, but I'm sure we'll be visiting that world over The Cusp soon.

    Get your bodice ready!

    MJ: With his teeth!

  19. It's ready and I've even picked out the shoes

    bring it on dear!

  20. The Magic Mirror is wanting to know what other shenanigans can be wrought in the mirror world!

    Of course I loved it!

  21. How dare you try to keep me all for yourself! All should be free to appreciate the hero.

    Don't touch the merchandise though.

  22. *huff* It's just your reflection for goodness sake.

    It's not like I'll cause it any lasting psychological damage.

  23. CyberPoo: You're nothing if not prepared!
    Here's to a bodice-rippingly good time!

    T-Bird: All sorts of shenanigans may be wrought in the MirrorWorld.

    * evil cackle *

    Tim: Oops! Too late!

    Still, we'll let you out when you start to tire, so others can appreciate you then.

    We'll drag you back, though, so don't go thinking of escape.

    * more evil cackling *

    T-Bird: You tell him.

  24. The truth is finally revealed! MJ and IDV are writers for Harlequin Romance.

    This bodice, is it some kind of bag of potato chips?


  25. I am huffy at being looked over for a walk-on part. I memorised a soliloquy from Hamlet for the audition, you know.

    It was really very good indeed and highly entertaining, but I'm not going to tell you that now because I'm huffy.

  26. Bingowings: There is, in fact, a potato-related bodice but it's not for CyberHo.

    SID has a bodice made from a potato sack.

  27. Willow: It helps if you sleep with the director. But actually sleeping with him only gives you a tiny part and eventually gets you killed off apparently.

    It has nothing to do with talent, look at how MJ got a main part


  28. Tee hee - you said "tiny part!"

  29. well Tim we all know it would have been a *huge* part had it been you

  30. Cyberpete: no wonder I didn't get very far going down traditional audition routes, I should have been thinking outside the box. Next time I shall blackmail him and be done with it!!

  31. outside or give up your box

    whatever works for you Willow

  32. Tee hee - you said "box!"

    And in related news: have you been looking, Cyberpete, or has IDV been gossiping?

  33. BingoWings: MJ used to be Barbara Cartland's ghost writer.

    Well, she is old enough...

    WillowC: I hope you're still huffy because my reading glasses need a clean and I'm all out of huff!

    MJ: SID has a bodice made of five potato sacks.

    CyberPoo: Now don't you get huffy, too.
    I'm sure 'the director' only casts roles appropriate to the actor.

    Tim, CyberPoo, WillowC & CyberPoo: Sounds like you're sorting this casting business out between you, so I won't get involved.


    Tim: Now, I'm not one for gossip, but when there's a necessity to disclose certain pertinent infomation, I feel it is my civic duty to do the disclosing.

    Besides, something that *huge* can't be withheld for long!

  34. Look Tim, he said sacks!

  35. Tee hee - you said "sacks!"

  36. Oh excuse me...I was looking for SACKS 5th Avenue, not SACKS Norwich.

  37. Look Tim, MJ has a couple of sacks!

  38. It's only funny once.

  39. Happy 2008, IDV!!!

    *Does the Charlie Brown dance for IDV*

  40. And with that, this wins best comment thread 2007.


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