Christmas Pant-O(h Hell! There's no 'O' in three...)

After ridding herself of the last peelings of crone make-up, the lady MJ stood in front of her mirror again.

"Looking glass upon the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

The mirror was silent.

Glaring at the unresponsive mirror, MJ asked it again, this time sounding more than a little peeved. "Looking glass upon the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

Just beyond her reflection, T-Bird and I materialised, wincing, back from various dressing rooms and barracks around the castle.

"Who'd've thought underwear could be so... Complicated?" T-Bird said.

"I know" I replied. I'm glad I'm not one of those guards. Did you see those knitted pants? They must be so scratc-"

"Shit! She's back and she looks mad!" T-Bird interrupted me. "Where do you think she's been? Has she 'killed' Dinah yet?"

"Umm... I don't know?" We started to panic, until I noticed a clue as to whereabouts we were in the story. "Look!" I practically yelled, pointing at MJ's neck. "There's a disgusting flap of wrinkly old skin. It must be a remnant of crone make-up."

T-Bird squinted out of the mirror. "Are you sure? It looks like her own skin. She is quite old, after all. Didn't SID once tell you she was over 100?"

"Well, yes, but I think he may have been joking. Or drunk."

"So if that's fake old skin, she must just be back from poisoning Snow White. I'd better tell her she's the fairest, then."

Just as MJ was about to ask the mirror for a third time (through gritted teeth), the mirror spoke.

"You, my Lady, are the fairest of them all."

MJ's hardened features relaxed, but only for a moment as her chamber door swung open to reveal her husband, the lord Sid.

"I've jus' heard tha' nancy T'm fr' tha' lowly sheep herder town's visi * burp * tin' us. Did you know 'bout this?" He slurred as he supported himself against the door frame.

"Of course I did, you drunken old sop" MJ replied. "If you weren't so inebriated, you'd remember that we spoke of this last week. And you'd better sober up and brush up on your diplomacy before he arrives. He is a prince of the kingdom, and should be treated as such, otherwise these trade talks will be for naught."

"Hmmmph. Diplomacy" Sid grunted. "Dun' we ha' diplomats fer tha' kind o' thing?"

"We did" said MJ with her hands on her hips, "until you got rid of them for suggesting you lay off the booze at official functions!"

- - -

A little while later, at the cottage in the clearing, six of the seven dwarfs stood around a hastily constructed, but quite elegant, glass coffin holding the, now rigor mortis-free Dinah.

"Well, it's a shame she's dead, but at least she cleaned the cottage out first" Piggy commented.

"Yeah. All except those splodges of bird shit" Moany added.

The other dwarfs nodded in agreement, then a noise from the edge of the clearing made them turn. It was Meany.

"I've put the sign up" he shouted as he made his way over to the coffin.

"Good" said Cunty, rubbing his hands together with glee. "We'll soon lure a good looking man here that we can have our wicked way with!"

The sign worked remarkably quickly, because just as the dwarfs were about to go inside, Poofy hesitated, sniffing the air.

"I... I can smell testosterone" he exclaimed. "A man is coming." He sniffed the air with his eyes closed, as if smelling a fine wine. "A hot man!"

"Quick!" yelled Stripey. "Into the house. We've got to prepare!"

No sooner had they scurried inside their cottage, than a very handsome and well dressed man astride a huge horse rode into the clearing. He dismounted and surveyed the area, his hand on his colossal sword. Catching sight of the glass coffin, he strode over to it and gasped as he saw the beautiful Snow White inside, as if asleep.

"Wow! Awesome!" He reached out, his fingers brushing the glass, when rustling in the undergrowth caught his attention.

It was at this point that T-Bird and I materialised in the reflections on the glass coffin.

"It's Tim!" T-Bird gasped. "And looking hotter than ever."

"Oh my gods. Look at the size of his sword - It's enormous!" I was beside myself.

Then we, too, were distracted by movement under the trees.

"Isn't that Piggy?" T-Bird asked, as a pale arse poked out of some shrubs at the opposite side of the clearing.

"I was about to ask the same, but about that" and I pointed to a tuft of ginger hair sticking out of a laurel tree. "Oh, no! The Piggy dwarfs have surrounded Tim. They must have come out the back door of their cottage."

Tim had spun around and hefted his mighty weapon. And not a moment too soon, because out of the surrounding forest came the dwarfs. They were, disgustingly, naked and had launched themselves at Tim, each in a state of arousal.

"They're like facehuggers, the way they're grasping for him as they fly through the air" T-Bird noted.

"Arsebuggerers, more like - They're not aiming for his face" I pointed out. "Ew! * gags * I think I saw that one's tiny little penis sticking out of it's ginger bush!"

Tim was parrying and thrusting with his massive sword. One of the dwarfs had already fallen beneath a crushing blow.

"Yaaahhh! Take that, you sickening little trolls!" Tim roared as he struck another one down. With a brutal up-thrust, he impaled Poofy through the starfish. The tip of his sword glinting in Poofy's open mouth, such was its length. At least Poofy died with a smile on his face.

T-Bird and I clung to each other with barely contained lust for Tim as he paraded around with his sword out.

"Look! Look!" T-Bird practically shrieked. "Another button on his shirt has come undone!"

"Ohh, that manly chest" I sighed.

One of the other dwarfs, possibly Piggy, had leapt upon his back as Tim plunged his blade into another - Meany, judging my the look on his face as he died. Horrified at what might be happening on his back, Tim reached over his shoulder with his free hand, grabbed Piggy and flung him away, tearing his shirt in the process.
Piggy crashed down next to the glass coffin, jarring it slightly. This movement was enough to dislodge the bite of apple from Dinah's throat. She coughed, the apple shot out of her mouth, ricocheted off the lid of the coffin and hit her in the forehead, rousing her. She opened her eyes slightly, just enough to see the fight in the clearing, and tutted.
Tim dived and rolled, avoiding a leaping dwarf before lunging forward, his sword out, impaling Stripey. Still in a crouching position, Tim spun around and chopped Cunty in half as he was attempting to sneak up from behind.

"You cunt" muttered the dwarf as his life left him.

- - -

Piggy, realising he didn't stand a chance against this determined fighter, ran off into the forest. As he ran out of the trees onto a track, he collided with someone.

"Eh, oop?" the someone said. It was the huntsman Tazzy.

"What the fu-" Piggy grunted but stopped as he looked up at the huntsman who'd obviously been spending too much time with his apprentice. Their eyes met gooily. A couple of tweeting bluebirds flew overhead, disturbed by the fight.

Further down the track, the apprentice who'd seen the whole thing, clasped his girlish hands to his chest and sighed in happiness for the couple.

- - -

Back in the clearing, Tim had vanquished the remaining dwarfs. He stood in the centre, his sword still aloft. Ripped and torn, his shirt hung in very revealing tatters from his heaving chest, and his hair was sexily tousled over his forehead.
He smiled as he surveyed the scene, "Aw, yeah!"

T-Bird and I were beside ourselves at this vision of sexy, sexy hotness. We were so preoccupied that we didn't notice Dinah climb out of the coffin.

"Well. I guess you took care of them" she said flatly. "Bravo."

"Huh?" Tim tensed and spun towards her, still primed with adrenaline. He relaxed a little when he saw Dinah, but then noticed the look on her face. Putting on a kicked puppy expression - that had T-Bird and I melting - he said, "But they were going to do unspeakable things to me and my muscular buttocks."

"That was no reason to kill them" Dinah objected. "Besides, their penises were so little that you likely wouldn't have noticed anything."

"Even so..." Tim countered, looking even more hurt. "Hmmph. I suppose you want rescuing from this place, hmmm?"

"Yes, actually. I don't exactly know where I am and need to get back to Lord Sid's castle. He's my father, you see. I am the Lady Dinah."

"Well, there's a coincidence. I was going there anyway for the trade talks - I'm Prince Tim."

"Charmed, I'm sure" Dinah said dismissively.

T-Bird roused from her Tim-induced stupor. "Crikey! We'd better get back to the mirror" she exclaimed and grabbed my arm, dematerialising us.

- - -

At the castle, the reception for the arriving prince was almost ready. Lady MJ had tried on dozens of dresses and finally picked a winner.

She smoothed it down as she stood before her mirror once more.

"Looking glass upon the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

"Tim, definitely" the mirror said in my voice.

"Shhhhh!!!" T-Bird clapped her hand over my mouth to prevent more outbursts from my delerium. MJ, momentarily puzzled, looked as if she was going to shake the mirror, until T-Bird spoke again. "My lady, thou art certainly fair, but Dinah is more so with her snow white skin and ebony hair."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhhh!!"

"Shuthefucup" SID semiconsciously muttered from his drunken stupor, prone on the bed in the next room.

The sound of coach wheels crunching on gravel snapped MJ out of her rage. "He's here" she hissed to SID. "Get up!"

- - -

"Oh my dear, what a relief to see you" MJ gushed insincerely as Dinah walked into the entrance hall.

"Hmmph!" Dinah snorted as two guards quickly flanked MJ and grabbed her by the arms. The blacksmith then entered, carrying a pair of red hot iron shoes in his thick leather gloves.

"Wha... What are you doing?" MJ asked in bewilderment.

"We know you were behind Dinah's abduction and attempted murders" Tim stated as he strode into the hall after Dinah.

"You don't know anything" MJ spat, losing her composure as the iron shoes were brought closer to her. "Release me!"

"All in good time. But first, theres' some one you should meet."

From an anteroom, the apprentice huntsman was dragged in. "Oh, I'm so sorry" he slurred happily. "They made me * hic * champagne cocktails from the mini * hic * bar on the coach. I told them everything. Ooh, they were delicious * hic * Can I have another?"

MJ shrieked with rage, then pain as the iron shoes were forced upon her feet. The guards released her and she danced madly across the hall, screaming, until she collapsed in a smoking heap, quite dead.

The apprentice huntsman let out a banshee wail and threw himself on top of her, which was something of a mistake, as the still hot shoes ignited the alcohol fumes emanating from his body. The two of them were quickly incinerated by fierce blue flames.

"Would someone clear that up" Dinah sniffed. "The stench of burning flesh is most unpleasant."

"Come on." Tim took her arm. "Let me escort you to your chambers where you can rest and recuperate."

"No funny business, mind" she relented.

"Of course" he agreed, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

- - -

After leaving her in her room, Tim crossed the landing and peered in the room opposite as the door had been left ajar. There on the wall was a huge ornate mirror. Looking first left, then right, to ensure no one saw him, Tim entered the room and stood before the mirror.

He struck a pose, flexing his muscles.

"Rawr!" he grinned to himself. Or so he thought.

"Rawr, indeed" the mirror replied as two pairs of hands reached out and dragged him in...

The End

of

Snow White: A Tale Of Turmoil

Cast

Snow White ~ Dinah, from Dinah Says Nothing

The Wicked Stepmother ~ MJ, from the Infomaniac

Snow White's father ~ SID, from Stupid Irish Daddy

The Magic Mirror ~ T-Bird, from 20+10

The Seven Dwarfs ~ Piggy, from Tazzy and Piggy

The (very) Handsome Prince ~ Tim, from Sparky Malarkey

The Huntsman ~ Tazzy, from Tazzy and Piggy

The Apprentice Huntsman ~ CyberPete, from SayHey

Well. It's a Bah, Humbug! from me.

And a Bah, Humbug! from him.

We hope you all enjoy your holidays.

See you on New Year's Eve!