Thursday, 9 March 2006

Cheap impact

* szzpt stzzksssp zzzt *

What? Oh. Yes.

That's right. I was going to tell you the news about TGOC Parallel Universe's Earth. And the MASSIVE planetary disaster that befell it - see 01/03/06 two posts thataway V.

I'm not going to go into too much detail because, quite frankly, I can't be arsed. But, I said I'd tell you so tell you I shall.

There I was, last Friday - well, the one before last if I remember correctly - minding my own business watching Desperate Housewives ( I know it's not on on a Friday - I'd taped it), when the telly went on the blink. The picture went a bit fuzzy to begin with. Then those annoying horizontal lines started making their way slowly up the screen. A whistling then started to come from the insides making me think I had tinnitus. Finally, the picture gave way to violent static - kind of like Evil Edna on one of those days.

It could only be one of two things. One: The telly had packed up, or two: Someone was haunting it.

Having got all comfy in my chair, I struggled to my feet, biscuit crumbs flying all over the carpet (well, I like a nice Sainsbury's half chocolate coated coconut Taste The Difference cookie, or seven) as I lurched towards the tv.

I gave it a clout.

"Ow! Stop that" it said.

" - " I replied. "Edna? Is that you?"

"No it jolly well isn't" was the indignant response.

Oh sod. It was TGOC Parallel Universe. She never was any good at trans-universal spectralisation. It took us half an hour to get her out of the microwave at TGOC Future's at Christmas. Silly mare.

"Good grief. Get out of my television!"

"I'm trying. I think I'm caught in the tube..."

Sigh... "Hang on" I said, "I'll turn it off."

* click *

"Ooh. That's better" she said as she slowly spectralised in the bay window.

"Goodness Stinky (her nickname, from her initials: P U), you're a fright!" I exclaimed. And she was. Her dress was in tatters, no shoes, hair all over the shop and she was dripping ectoplasm all over my carpet!

"Well. You would be too if you'd been through what I've been through."

I rolled my eyes. Here we go. Drama queen central.

"We've been hit!"


"Earth. My Earth, has been hit by an asteroid" she proclaimed, eyelids fluttering in the manner of one who's given up being rational and decided that fainting is the only option left.

"By the look of things, it landed on you" I remarked, acidly.

Her eyes widened but her lids kept fluttering nineteen to the dozen. "Well, really" she managed to say. "Australia, New Zealand and half of Antarctica are gone. The Americas, Africa and most of Asia have been decimated." At this point, she really did look like she was going to faint. I would've slapped her but seeing as she was somewhat insubstantial, I didn't bother. "All that's left is some of Canada, Greenland, parts of Western Europe and the UQ (United Queendom - used to be matriarchal. Don't ask!) and they're in pretty bad shape."

Had it been earlier in the evening and had I not drunk a couple of glasses of wine, I might have reacted differently. But it wasn't. And I had. So I didn't.

"Umm... Would you mind hovering over the hearth as you're dripping ectoplasmic gunk all over my carpet"

I'll finish this another time. It doesn't half go on...


  1. Ahhh, that's what we like: love and understanding for our fellows in times of crisis.

    What's your opinion on ginger snaps and fig rolls?

  2. She would have found it easier to emerge from my T.V. 3 channels, 2 of them fuzzy and one in Welsh.
    Not much of a challenge.

  3. Anonymous10/3/06 07:52

    Tina, I love them both! Ginger snaps for dunking and fig rolls for a satisfying, yet healthy (I know they're not really) snack.

    SW: I'll let Stinky know. If she does end up rattling around your old box (!), switch over to ITV. She hates it! She thinks it's viewing for the proles...

  4. Anonymous10/3/06 12:53

    Fig rolls are the most disgusting thing ever put on this planet.

    Vile, vile, vile.

    I really like ginger, but I've never had any ginger snaps that actually taste of it.

  5. Anonymous10/3/06 13:10

    I'll tell you what's disgusting: Blancmange.

    Who in Hell's Name would want some pale, insipid, clot of wobbling puke?


  6. I'm with IDV. Worst of all, Blancmange with beetroot and olives.

    I hated my mums cooking.

  7. Anonymous10/3/06 17:37

    so glad Canada survived but I'm a bit worried about you all!

  8. Oh, don't worry KG. The important thing is we're still alive.

    Those smug Parallel Universe lot had it coming, I'm sure!

    I'll regale you all with the rest of the story in the next couple of days.

  9. Anonymous10/3/06 20:45

    I hear ectoplasm is good for the skin. Keeps one youthful apparently. I'd bottle that, may be worth a pretty penny...

  10. Anonymous13/3/06 19:01

    lady muck, I think you're thinking of semen, at least, that's what I heard!


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?