Monday 24 September 2007

Why, I do declare...

this Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition is finally over!

I have decided on a winner. But before that, let's peruse the 'also-ran's'...

First of all, let's get MJ and SID out of the way. Not because they were rubbish - Far from it, in fact. No, their captions had me giggling like a school girl. Here're some of my favourites:

MJ said...
Bright legs at night, sailors delight.
Replacement for Portland Bill Lighthouse found in Norwich.
Tranny stuck in cranny.News at eleven.Smunty the postie is delighted to find IVD’s installed a new mail slot.

S.I.D. said...
RSPCA arrest man for trying to attract badgers for night time pleasures

IVD's parents congratulate themselves on their first attempt at precision shed dropping

Right. That's those two taken care of. Here are my favourite entries from everyone who isn't SID and MJ:

Krissteen's -
If I could just click my fucking heels I would be fine, but no.... some stupid twat made me drink the wretched fluid in the yellow tub and now I can't move at all.

Piggy and Tazzy's -
As dunking was out of the question due to yet another water shortage, the good folks of Norwich decided just to chop the skinny cunt in half with the garden gate with the rusty hinges.

The open mouthed kids thought it was much better than the planned Punch and Judy show.

Kim's, from Elf Shorts history on Ms. Mac's Behalf -
SID's 'Whore Trap' caught more than he bargained for.

Convict thwarted Frobisher with his limbo themed caption -
Anorexic Dorothy wannabe found dead in limbo tragedy. 

And Tatas left this -
One day a hydra was loosed
and elves had been seduced
The hydra, a terrible serpent
his demeanor ever so ferment

Heads six had he
and terrified me
seven inch fangs
and spittle that hangs

Truly a darkened day
when elves could not go play
The dark elves had trained them to kill
they laughed for it gave them a thrill

So I took up my sword and ran for the cave
trying to be, an elf that was brave
I swung my blade and off with a head
then I kept swinging until he was dead

So home I returned to my peers
basking in elfin cheers.

And finally, Coven member extraordinaire and teeterer atop the Hag Pillar, T-Bird, left this caption -
Host: That spell was supposed to give me a torso like a brick shithouse!
IDV: *snigger*

Now, this lot either don't want to win, or don't have a blog, so can't win. Idiots.

CyberPete's -
IDV came home a little bit miffy

Went to the henhouse and smelled something iffy
Thought the shorts must have gone a little bit whiffy
But not as smelly as his own little stiffy

He then realised his mistake, trying to rectify it as follows:

As for the little stiffy comment, I bet you are hung like a horse but you can't really tell from the picture. Please send evidence.

Personally I believe he is massive.

He's right.

While we're on the subject, Tim left this comment, which is just begging to be turned into a caption: 
 I just realised - this picture looks like a publicity photo from a low-budget straight to DVD sequel to Mannequin, in which Kim Cattrall's whory old dummy ends up at a branch of B&Q where she's subsequently crushed by fence panelling.

Good lord, by the looks of those legs, Kim Cattrall's really let herself go.

Tim's reason for not wanting to be part of the FGESCC? There is no way on Earth I am going to let those shorts get anywhere near my awesome man-parts. 
Well, Tim, we only have your word on your 'parts awesomeness. Perhaps I could inspect them to verify said awesomeness? I'll even give you a certificate.

The prolific and hilarious YNF, who could have won six times over, left these gems:
Dr Who season premiere: The Tardis lands in Oz.

Instead of welcoming committee, IDV thought he was asked to be the welcoming mat--still, many visitors enjoyed his spread.

More than meets the eye, IDV begins his transformation into Trailertron, the mobile home autobot.

To the dismay of CSI agents, the black light revealed the victims legs were completely covered in semen, creating a list of suspects thicker than the first 3 volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Deceptively coy, the insatiable Venus fly trap spreads itself wide open, eagerly anticipating it's next piece of meat.

I particularly like this ditty:

Ho, a queer, a fem-like dear
Ray, his legs bright as the sun
Me, I'm afraid of the shorts myself
Far, away I should run
So, they say he gives great head
La Femme Fatale he is they said
Tea bagging in his shoes of red
and that'll bring us back to
Ho Ho Ho Ho...

So, it gives me great pleasure to announce that the winner of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts is -

What the...?

Drat! I knew I shouldn't have extended the deadline for this thing. For there's been a last minute change. Someone snuck in and ruined this carefully crafted post that I'd been working on all Sunday afternoon. You see, I was not expecting any great epiphanies from anyone - I'd assumed you were all utterly spent. While that in itself has not been proven incorrect - Tim, I can assess you for this, too, if you disagree - the person in question changed their eligibility.

Although, in a way, I'm glad they did. You see, I was having great difficulty choosing a winner. I'd got it down to three finalists, and just became a big indecisive mess. I mean, I even started drinking at ten o'clock in the morning!

Suffice it to say:

SID, with: After six hours waiting, IVD realised that his desire to be poked by a munchkin, was highly unlikely

Piggy & Tazzy's: "Mummy! Mummy! Look what the cat's dragging in!"

First Nations, with: Dorothy recoiled in horror and backed away slowly....'Screw Auntie Em and the horse she rode in on, Glinda. YOU wear 'em.'

The commenter-formally-known-as-YNF, Eroswings, with:

IDV thighs,
IDV thighs,
Every morning you greet me.
Long and White,
Smooth and Bright,
You look horny to meet me.

Blossom among Hoes
May you Bloom and Glow,
Bloom and Glow forever.

IDV thighs,
IDV thighs,
Be STD free forever.

Congratulations Eroswings! You are the next wearer of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts, you stupid sod. Fancy getting a blog...

Phew! I'm exhausted now. Thank gods it's over with. Eroswings: It's over to you!


  1. Yay! I'm first to congratulate you!!!

  2. How badly stained are The Shorts since you've rubbed your bits all over them?

  3. Let's just say I'll be sending a chisel along with them...

  4. Fix!

    It's a fix!

  5. PIGGY: You may have a valid point.

    IVD got wind that Eros is a looker and he wants to shag him.

    I've warned Eros about IVD's warty wand.

  6. The fool, the fool, the mad impetuous fool.

    Still, we won't have to keep looking at those bleached legs.

  7. And suddenly your blog just goes back to people insulting you. Yay!

  8. *sings*

    "Another cunt bites the dust"

    Well done Euroswinger!

    I feel your pain.

    And well done IVD on making it a truly filthy compo.


  9. Eroswings/Euroswinger! Congratulations!

    I simply can't wait for the next caption comp!

  10. I wonder how mony months we'll have to wait for

    a) IVD to post the shorts off

    b) for the new recipient to actually do anything with them (it surely can't be any longer than IVD took).

    c) start this whole process all over again.

  11. I wonder how many months we'll have to wait for IVD to TAKE the shorts off.

  12. EuroSwinger: Where do you live?

    We want to know which city and country The Shorts are heading to next.

  13. He's certainly starting off slow, isn't he MJ? Is this what we have to look forward to? Slow, S l o w, S l o w?

    BingoWings - Come along now, spill the beans. We need your fall name, date of birth, cock size and your bank account number and sort code.

  14. Yes, cock size is essential information.

    I've asked BingoWings-EuroSwinger for a photo of his bare arse as well but it's still forthcoming.

    Do you suppose he's gone into hiding?

    Is he ashamed to sport The Shorts?

    Ooo..this is like a beauty pageant. The first runner-up will have to take over the winner's duties. SID!!!

  15. EuroSwinger ashamed to sport the shorts? Not if he is as attractive as he leads us to believe on his blog!

    Get the postage organised IDV!!!

  16. P&T: The captions were fairly assessed. I can assure you, it wasn't a fix.
    I'm glad Eros did suddenly produce a blog, as I dread to think what horrific pose you would have done with The 'Shorts!

    MJ: I just realised that I only have Eros' word that he's stunningly handsome. He could be a pathological liar!
    I think I'll stick with tried & tested Tim as he'll only get jealous.

    Connie: I totally agree.

    On both points.

    Tried & Tested: But people insulted me even more so during TFGESCC, didn't they?

    MJ: He is. He's ignoring me.

    SID: Glad I could oblige.

    T-Bird: I can't wait either. My turn to inflict venomous captions!

    P&T: a) As soon as I get a mailing address for Eros, those 'Shorts are outta here.

    b) It 'only' took me just over 2 months to do once I'd received The 'Shorts.

    c) Not soon enough.

    MJ: They're already off and hermetically sealed awaiting postalisation.

    The next three comments seem to aimed at BingoWings so I'll jump straight to T-Bird: See my second reply to Piggy & Tazzy.

    CyberPoo: Was that a shudder with relief?

  17. I'm stunned! Here I am ready to hop in the shower and go to bed after work. Suffice to say, I'm honored and horrified at the same time.

    Rest assured, the Shorts shall make their trek across the ocean to the United States of America, where we take other countries refuse and turn them into citizens. I'm in the great state of Texas! Where everything is BIG in Texas--and that should answer all other pertinent questions.

    P&T, I don't have a fall name, but I've always wanted a winter name ;)

  18. Ha ha! I missed that one. Piggy's a twat - fancy mispelling 'full'...

  19. Ooooh - I was out of town and am only catching up now on the final captions. IDV, you made this into brilliant fun. Good for you and I'm sorry that you must now part with the shorts for which you seem to have developed a special love.

  20. Piggy are you enjoying the full,now the leaves are falling??







  21. MJ - I'm still trying to think of a decent insult, but I've stalled at 'spindly-legged slag.'

    And IDV, how damn-well dare you call me 'tried and tested!' Good lord! Makes me sound like a second hand car.

  22. Snooze: I think my relationship with The 'Shorts can be summed up with Love To Hate You by Erasure.

    SID: Oh













    T&T: Sold As Seen?

    Offer On Arrival?

    Or Near Offer?

    Taxed & Tested?

  23. Yes, a shudder of relief

    thank goodness you didn't make good of your threat

  24. I think 'taxed' is a suitable word…

  25. He said Texas.

    I didn't get past anything other than Texas.

  26. congratulations Texas Bingowings! eroswings! euroswinger! whatever!

    (oh thank you god - a bullet dodged again!)
    don't you worry, inexplicaboy...he'll take good care of them. let go of the shorts now.

    let GO of the shorts, idv.


  27. I still would like to see proof that you are indeed massive

  28. Cyberpete, we are all living in hope...

  29. You'd think he would be very proud of how massive it is

    that he would show it to us, when he's sharing it with anyone riding the tube

  30. And dockside, of course.

    And the The Baths.

    And the street corner.

    And the parking lot at Tesco's.

  31. That IDV certainly is one wonderful host to share himself so freely with strangers...Truly a saint, that one.

  32. IDV does Norwich

    out soon in an adult cinema near you

  33. MJ DVD or not, it still won't play on your Betamax machine.

  34. As everyones already been there, done that, the DVD will hit the bargain bins two weeks after the movie closes

  35. *prod*

    Is it *cough* new *cough* post time yet?

    Lazy skinny cunt.

  36. I've thought up a caption!

    Bollocks, too late.


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?