Friday, 20 July 2007

Shades of grey

Bloody bastarding bugger!

I've been rushing around like a blue arsed fly getting shots of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts, taking pictures here, there and everywhere. I finally finish the reel of film - No, I don't have a digital camera. Yes, I know I'm a technological retard - and rush it off to Boots to be transferred on to a disc.

"Can I have it processed by this afternoon, or tomorrow?" I ask.

"No" says the man at the photography desk. "You see, this is a black and white film. We don't process these on site."

I'm momentarily stunned. I manage to look at the camera in horror. Then it occurs to me: It's not really a black and white film, the silly old fool just thinks it is because it's in a disposable camera that just happens to be black and white. Just as I'm about to tell him the error of his ways, he beats me to it.

"We've had this a lot" he says. "These black and white disposable cameras really do have black and white film in them. Look" and he points to a microscopic label on the back that confirms it.

"But... But I thought it was just the style" I almost whimpered. "Like those silver ones, or those lurid fuschia ones?"

"I'm afraid not, sir."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrghhhhhh! Queynting Hell!!! But I manage to hold that in and say: "Oh, I see" instead. Shit.

"If you're not in a hurry to get it developed, the black and white films are picked up on tuesday and taken away for processing. They'll be back in two weeks."

Two arsing weeks! Good gods! Doesn't he know how important The Freakin' Green - well, grey now, I suppose - Elf Shorts are? Imbecile!

I expect he saw my barely contained rage and wanted me out of the shop before toiletries started flying off shelves and light fittings exploded, showering customers in glass and shards of hot metal, so he suggested: "There are places in the city that can process it faster, sir."

I smiled over gritted teeth. "Thank you" was all I could manage before stalking out. I was so enraged that I didn't even look twice at the hot, T-shirt straining muscular skin-head by the door.



  1. Yay... I'm first.

    Retard! I'll probably be dead by then.

  2. I'm going into the city on Monday, with the hope of obtaining processed film and sorting out the FGES post by the end of the week. Do you reckon you'll still be alive then, Pissoff?

  3. Can't you just pop into a photo booth and get it over with?

  4. You don't have a camera phone and a mate who wants to snap away at you posing in the freaking green elf shorts?

    My friend would be queuing up for that laugh for sure.

    How can you not ogle the hot guy?

  5. MJ: A photo booth?! A place that hundreds of dirty, scabby commoners have been, leaving their germs and muck all over the place? Whatever next!

    Cyberpete: No, I don't have a camera phone - technological retardia strikes again! I do have friends that would would laugh at me, though!

  6. I'm shocked, how can you not have a camera phone

    It sounds to me the shorts and a photo booth go hand in hand

  7. Oh my god! No digital camera, and a black and white disposable that you were quite happy for the chavs in Tesco or wherever to develop for you, and thus see you in the filthy shorts. You dirty exhibitionist. What next - a clockwork computer?

    Get with the times, grandpa!

  8. Cyberpete: I keep meaning to get one, or a digital camera, but can't decide on which would be more beneficial.

    Tim: Tesco?! TESCO!?! How VERY dare you. Bloody Tesco, indeed. I grudgingly went to Boots (expensive bastards), but will now... ta k e . . . m y . . . b u i

    * creak squeak clunk creak squeak clunk creak squeak clunk *

    There. That's better. All wound up and ready for another couple of hours!

  9. Tesco, Boots, whatever!

    So, when you used this camera, was there a massive puff of smoke when the flash went off, y'know like you see in old Westerns? Mind you, I doubt it was the first time a load of old smoke came out when you flashed…

    What were the 1890s like?

  10. Anonymous20/7/07 20:44

    It wasn;t 'old smoke', Tim. It was visible odour.

    Oh, the shame.

  11. Tim: the only old Westerns IDV has seen is Chi Chi Larues "How the West was hung"

    I am almost tempted to donate my old camera phone IDV. It's almost too pathetic.

  12. Anonymous20/7/07 20:50

    And i bet he's stood on some street corner right now as I write this.

    In The Shorts.

    Lifting them fleetingly at passing car drivers.

    And trying very hard to flog his rancid mutton.

  13. "There are places in the city that can process it faster, sir."

    Yes IVD..we all know "those" type of "shops" for developing "those" types of photographs..

    Visit them alot do we?? Hmmmm???

    Filthy minx.

  14. Perhaps you can provide us with a daguerreotype.

  15. Oh my gods! I'm being maligned!

    What's worse is that I seem to be the common denominator as no one is sniping at anyone else, only me!

    Waaaaahhhh! I'm not common!! Or that old, you cheeky whippersnappers!

  16. Me: He he he he
    Son: What?
    Me: And trying very hard to flog his rancid mutton.
    Son: Okay? (he's 13 - isn't that cute?)

  17. Awww... Makes me feel so much better.

  18. Do you remember what it was like to be 13? Or is that shrouded in the mists of time too?

  19. Tough crowd in your comments! I for one am grateful that the lurid green shorts will appear only in black and white.

  20. I can't believe it would take two weeks for anything these days. I need immediate satisfaction!


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