Bloody bastarding bugger!
I've been rushing around like a blue arsed fly getting shots of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts, taking pictures here, there and everywhere. I finally finish the reel of film - No, I don't have a digital camera. Yes, I know I'm a technological retard - and rush it off to Boots to be transferred on to a disc.
"Can I have it processed by this afternoon, or tomorrow?" I ask.
"No" says the man at the photography desk. "You see, this is a black and white film. We don't process these on site."
I'm momentarily stunned. I manage to look at the camera in horror. Then it occurs to me: It's not really a black and white film, the silly old fool just thinks it is because it's in a disposable camera that just happens to be black and white. Just as I'm about to tell him the error of his ways, he beats me to it.
"We've had this a lot" he says. "These black and white disposable cameras really do have black and white film in them. Look" and he points to a microscopic label on the back that confirms it.
"But... But I thought it was just the style" I almost whimpered. "Like those silver ones, or those lurid fuschia ones?"
"I'm afraid not, sir."
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrghhhhhh! Queynting Hell!!! But I manage to hold that in and say: "Oh, I see" instead. Shit.
"If you're not in a hurry to get it developed, the black and white films are picked up on tuesday and taken away for processing. They'll be back in two weeks."
Two arsing weeks! Good gods! Doesn't he know how important The Freakin' Green - well, grey now, I suppose - Elf Shorts are? Imbecile!
I expect he saw my barely contained rage and wanted me out of the shop before toiletries started flying off shelves and light fittings exploded, showering customers in glass and shards of hot metal, so he suggested: "There are places in the city that can process it faster, sir."
I smiled over gritted teeth. "Thank you" was all I could manage before stalking out. I was so enraged that I didn't even look twice at the hot, T-shirt straining muscular skin-head by the door.