Saturday, January 13, 2007

Dead or Alive?

Dead/alive status is determined by Lifeforce - No, not the film starring Patsy. Human beings are alive because they have Lifeforce, or Lf to give it its grammatical equation.*
Most people function between 0.9 and 1.2 Lf. Take me, the Host, for example. Before Witchface dropped in I was bobbing along quite happily at 1.2 Lf. It would have been more but SubConscious was too lazy to get past 0.2 Lf.

Anyway, IDV's arrival pushed us up to 3.7 Lf. However, after our Amalgamation, our Lf rating went up to 4.2! I attribute this to SubConscious pulling his finger out, what with IDV's SubConscious as competition. I think the two of them competed for SubC - I'm bored of writing the full word - dominance (as did I for Conscious dominance) which pushed our overall rating up by 0.5 Lf.

The SubC's have now levelled out at about 0.5 Lf's each, which is quite a high rating. After all, a SubC can never be 1.0 on the scale because then they'd be a Conscious, pushing the existing Conscious down a few points into the realms of SubC. More often than not, this isn't a pleasant experience because the ascending SubC doesn't get time to clean before achieving C - OK, I'm bored of writing Conscious now, too - , so the descending C is exposed to all those things that it has spent a lifetime keeping under wraps: skidding over on all those compressed little balls of bitterness, anger and spite; blundering headlong into those hideously embarrassing memories that were thought to have been forgotten; falling into the deep pools of loneliness.
Of course, there have been the odd occasions when the SubC is attractive** enough to ensnare its own SubC. A SubSubC, if you will. I don't know if Melanie Williams is involved in any part of it, but one can never tell. I certainly haven't seen her corporeal form around for some time...

I digress. Sometimes these SubSubC's take on a housekeeping role, locking things away, sweeping up dusty memories, taking Shake'n'Vac to the meta-carpets, that sort of thing. When this happens, a second decimal place is added to the equation/formula.***
I think I had a SubSubC once but it couldn't cope with SubC's attitude and mess so it took evening classes in etiquette and became a certified Autopolite. Although, at times, I think it should actually be certified...

Now, speaking of Autopilot (nearly), don't confuse it with SubC, or even SubSubC. Autopilot is more like a pet dog. It understands basic commands and can function on it's own. Although, if left switched on for any considerable length of time. it will revert to it's feral form; the Couch Potato - [a different analogy is needed here but SubC is too lazy to do any research].

Shit. I've gone off on one again. Christ only knows where this was going?

Perhaps I'll create a graph or something to show various Lf ratings?


* I don't know what it's really called - I'm not a bloody mathematician.
** As in a force, like gravity. Not nice eyes, cute bum, that kind of thing.
*** I already told you I'm not a bloody mathematician!


  1. I have no idea what you're on about, but I love it.

  2. Now I know how Homer felt when he was watching Twin Peaks for the first time.

  3. Oh man, I can't wait for Twin Peaks season 2 to come out on DVD.

  4. Grammatical equation???

    If you mean mathematical equation (i did note your wee asterisk acknowledging how thick a moment you were having) then 'Lifeforce' (Lf) can actually have any 'grammatical' notation you require.

    It can be 'Lf', 'lF' or 'LF' depending on your mood and state of mind.

    Anyway (fave word), I'd recheck your figures if I were you as you are clearly in a state of flux, which has affected your mathematical capabilities.

    Working things out, given your calculations, leaves a mean SubSubC of 0.2 which is less than healthy.

  5. what? can't we go back to perving peoples pecks? I find this all a bit confusing.

  6. IDV I feel the monkeys have escaped and are in need of catching and whipping....

    ...they are dazed and confused. Not a good combination.

  7. Dinah, Skillz & Tickers: * WHIP! WHIP! * Thank you, Dora.

    P&T: Ah, perhaps I should've mentioned IDV's C taking a nosedive after the Amalgamation while mine went up? Plus, there was some subpsionic ethereal drift to take into account...

    Or something.

  8. Why can't subC's have cute arses? Mine is all sad now. Although it'd probably complain it has nothing decent to wear and that its arse looks fat. If subc's did have arses, that is.

  9. T-Bird: I'm sure, if it concentrates enough, your SubC could create a lovely pert arse to shake about. If it has any spare imagination, it could always create a diaphanous garment to cover it, too.

    Come to think of it, there must be some kind of shopping system in Subconsciousville, so imagining something might not even be a problem.