Sunday, 30 April 2006

Sister blister

"Christ All Mighty!"

"Switch it off! Switch it off!" I screeched. Indescribable was gripping the shaft so tight that her knuckles looked like they were about to pop out of her skin.

* CRASH! *

"Arrghh! My shin!" she yelled, letting go of the broom which shot across the room, smashed through the window and tore off into the sky. I stared after it, wide eyed.

"You silly, stupid cow" I said, turning towards her with my hands on my hips. Indescribable looked up at me and stuck her tongue out. It was yellow. She'd been eating pear drops again. "This is exactly why mum wouldn't let you have a broom, because you're a thoughtless, selfish, clumsy, oblivious shit! My left hand, controlled by Subconscious, started to make the sign of a hex. Unfortunately, Indescribable saw and bound it quickly. Cow! I rolled my eyes in a manoeuvre Fuckkit would be proud of.

Indescribable got up off the floor and untangled herself from the table leg she'd banged her shin on. "Can't you go after it? You've got another broom, haven't you?" she whined. Daggers practically leapt from my eyes.

"Yes I have. But by the time I get the ancient thing started the one you lost will be in orbit!"

"Well. You should take better care of your things" she mumbled quietly.

"WHAT?!" I shouted. Indescribable flinched. I had involuntarily opening a Hell Portal behind me, such was my anger.

Just inside the Portal sat Fekxzl, the demon from Norwich Union. I had forgotten they'd taken over the franchise. Tapping his foot impatiently, he asked " ar yar sendin' enywun in'r nut?"

"What?" Fekxzl wasn't very good with his speech and capital letters were a foreign concept to him. It took me a couple of seconds to work out what he was on about. "Oh. No. Sorry."

He looked Indescribable up and down and sneered. "ackk. y'can keep 'er." And with that, he closed the Portal and vanished.

Narrowing my eyes, I turned back to my sister. "I get charged for opening one of those now, you know. I should've chucked you in." Indescribable just shrugged.

Sighing, I tried to remember where I'd put my spare broom...



  1. Aaiii! We should all have such family troubles! My thoughts are with you, m'dear.

  2. I have 2 minutes of internet time to think of something clever and witty to say.


    Um.. yay... 2nd?

  3. Hee. I'm loving 'capital letters were a foreign concept to him.' And I wish I could convincingly use the phrase 'silly cow', but it's just not to be.

  4. sisters, can't kill 'em, can't send 'em to the demons. What's a guy to do?

    your stories are so dang good IdV. :-)

  5. Unfortunately, there's more to come, KG

    : Thank you.

    Fuckkit: That'll do!

    Dinah: As long as you put enough disdain into your voice, you'll do it.

  6. I will try to remember that.
    I laughed out loud when I saw that it was included on the post you left on my blog. Believe me, after the day I've had today, you have no idea how good it was to laugh. Thanks.

  7. Surely just opening a Hell portal is similar to checking your balance on an ATM? You don't actually get charged unless you make a proper transaction. If Hell is going to slam a fee on you just peering in i think you wanna change Underworlds...

  8. >"You silly, stupid cow"<

    Admirable restraint!
    Ah, little sisters- lovely, aren't they?
    I'm one myself, of course, but I'm a rare breed.

  9. That's the trouble with second vehicles, they're never really up to scratch.

    I liked the 'capitols' thing.

  10. Anonymous2/5/06 10:10

    Do Norwich Union only have one demon? I'm impressed. That last efficiency drive must have really worked wonders.

  11. Anonymous2/5/06 14:00

    JJ: I'm thinking of giving Hinduism a go. I've heard their Underworld is very plush.

    Imogen: I'm sure you'd win Best In Show ; )

    Tickers: You'd know better than any. Third, fourth & fifth vehicles, too. Do they get worse the lower down the pecking order they are?

    Qenny: NU have hundreds of the bleeders. Fekxzl is one of the few I know by name...

    Dinah: You're welcome. I hope today is going much better for you.

  12. Oh God yes. The best one is shit then it's all down hill.

  13. Motorised brooms are the worst - the smell of petrol makes me gag

  14. I thinks alcohol powered brooms swould suit us, most of us would only need to dangle a bleeding wrist over the petrol cap to re-fuel!

  15. Anonymous3/5/06 20:32

    Ickle Bro, you're one sick puppy.

    Mind you, I suppose if you will insist on putting lager in stew....


  16. Lager in stew? May I have the recipe?

  17. Anonymous4/5/06 17:03

    Increasingly, I feel like I need to be drunk when I visit here to make any sense of it all.

  18. Any excuse, Piggy, you old lush! : )

  19. Where's my Little Something?

    *jumps up and down*

  20. I came here for Fuckkit's presentation and what do I find.

    Fuck all.

    That's what.

    Maybe you rumbled him when you mentioned his flys.

  21. Anonymous5/5/06 07:53

    I don't understand? I posted it at 10:40 last night. I can see it right now...


  22. And I suppose the cheque is in the post.

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