Sunday, 23 April 2006

Brown jelly babies

Oof! I'm back.

I dropped a penny the other day, turned and stooped to pick it up and accidently spun into a different universe. The one with the brown jelly babies!

The little bleeders were everywhere. It's sinister the way they creep up on a target and intimidate them before going in for the kill. Its a good job I had my wits about me - and working legs and arms, for that matter. There're no specials in that universe - they were among the first to be picked off, along with the elderly and infirm, unattended babies and toddlers and the self absorbed.

Such was the shock of ending up penny-less, that I fell over! Normally, I'm not so clumsy, but I was practically on my hands and knees anyway when I lost my balance after reaching for the penny that was left in this universe. At that point I hadn't realised exactly where I was or I wouldn't have done what I did next.

Mortified at the thought of being seen to have fallen over, like the clumsy, ham-fisted person I most definitely am not, I feigned unconsciousness/death. I hoped to be ignored by anyone that may have been around, just like anyone that falls in this universe is. Well, either that or laughed at. While I was lying there, I peered out through narrowed, squinting eyes, checking out my surroundings. I couldn't hear anyone and couldn't detect people-sized movement either so I opened my eyes wide and started to get up.

That's when I noticed them. Surrounding me were dozens of tiny brown creatures, some with patches of white on them. They were advancing on me incredibly slowly. Blinking a couple of times to focus better I saw what they were.

I have never moved so fast in my life! Luckily, the unbaptised boy fat was still coursing through my veins (actually, most of it had congealed in my arteries, threatening to give me a heart attack - another reason witches prefer assisted flight with brooms to non-assisted 'fat' flight) so I moved straight up.

The expressions on their evil little faces was lost on me at the distance I was from them but I could tell by their movements that they were less than pleased. Breathing a sigh of relief, I left the little sods and flew off to find a wide, open space to gather myself where they couldn't sneak up on me.

Anyway, the reason I've been away so long is that I didn't know the right anti-spin to get back here. I got to the Brown Jelly Baby Universe by accident so I had to recreate the spin that got me there then work out the anti-spin to leave it. It took days. And several unintended, unofficial visits to other, less bizarre, universes.

The moral of this story is: Don't bother picking up dropped pennies. They're not worth the hassle. Or is it: Be careful how you spin? Either one works...


  1. Yey, first.

    I love jelly babies, I didn't know there were evil ones, or brown for that matter. What do they taste like or shouldn't I ask?

  2. Anonymous23/4/06 21:25

    Brown jelly babies must taste like cola bottles, unless ....

    A jelly baby goes to the STD clinic where the Dr says "What's wrong with you?". The jelly baby drops his trousers and shows the Dr his tiny penis which is covered in coconut and liquorice.

    "What the hell's wrong with you?" exclaims the Dr.

    "Oooh I've been fucking allsorts."

    Ah thangoo vair much.

  3. Thanks for the warning, and very glad to hear your back. Risky business, that.

  4. On your hands and knees? What, and thats not a position your familiar with?

  5. Anonymous24/4/06 13:21

    Tickers: I've never eaten an evil jelly baby - luckily there are none in this universe. I imagine them to taste like treacle or sin...

    Convict: Bwah hah hah ha! I hate liquorice. Blech!

    Shifty: Risky indeed. Just becareful when you spin.

    Fuckkit: Cheek!

  6. Fuckkit doesn't seem to be active tonight, I think you're in with a chance.

  7. Pah, I'm just biding my time.

    *wanders off to bide time*

  8. If I wasn't me, I'd be first at my place.

    *shakes dandruff into cornflakes*

  9. What the fuck kind of time is that to be out of bed??

  10. Anonymous25/4/06 10:10

    Did Tom Baker's Doctor Who used evil brown jelly babies, or were his the normal kind?

    And give convict a biscuit for that joke - loved it!

  11. Oh his were the normal kind. Or, on some occasions, Liquorish Allsorts, when someone in the props dept forgot to go out and get some!

  12. Fuckkit, I was blogging after you went to bed and up earlier in the morning.

    *shakes head and mutters*


  13. I am afraid I am profoundly confused...

    Kind Regards

  14. I like sleeping. A lot.

  15. Well it looks like IDV is so slack ( I think that comes from being on all fours too often ) he's been beaten by you again at my place.

  16. i'll be sure to stay away from the brown jelly babies when i make my trek to the UK...

    don't know when that is, but the goal is Spring Break 2007

  17. Anonymous26/4/06 07:46

    I've just realised: I'm the only one here without an avatar.

    Must do something about this...

    * wanders off muttering about cheekiness of Tickers *

  18. thanks for the advice IDV. I thought for sure it would something more along the lines of watching out where you bend over.

  19. Holy. Shit.

    I have no idea what this blog is about, but I am a fan of anyone who can pull a Thomas Covenant with brown jelly babies.

    I am both confused and aroused, sir. And very glad I am wasting time blog surfing....

  20. Well Hello, Miss Haversham. So nice of you to drop by.

    I have no idea either - It ditched me and ran amuck ages ago. Glad you like it though. Yours is hilarious! Very entertaining : )

  21. Why thank you!

    It's an international love fest (all I know about Norfolk is Christopher Eccleston played the Earl in Elizabeth). I've been lurking at this page and a few of your friends for a while now. Thought I'd make it official.

    And I'm still strangely aroused by all those jelly babies. Did I mention confused to?

  22. You did mention confused, yes. I'm glad really, because being aroused by those evil little sods is confusing. And weird.

    I'd love to furnish you with more facts about Norfolk and its denizens but my mind has gone, inexplicably, blank! Another time, perhaps : )


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